Francois Beauchemin has a lacerated spleen

When reached for comment, Phil Kessel said: "Pussy."

I had a joke forwarded to me-

If you write a hockey blog, you get stuff sent to you from time to time.

So I got this joke today. It's kind of an old one, pretty gross, not that funny, and they got the punchline wrong.

Still, it's nice to be thought of.

Here's the joke:

>Q: What's the difference between Wayne Gretzky and Courtney Love?
>
>A: Wayne takes a shower after three periods.

Can you see the error in the punchline? Here's how it's supposed to go:

>Q: What's the difference between Wayne Gretzky and Courtney Love?
>
>A:Courtney Love has coached an NHL franchise to 13 fewer wins this season.

But that wasn't all I got sent over the past week. The fine folks behind the movie "In the Crease" were good enough to send me a screener of their film. I'll watch it over the next few days and let you know what I think- but the trailer looks really good- Check it out:

AHF's "Buy me a Beer Challenge!"

A total failure.

I was at the Devils/Sabres game last night, and the only person who chose to participate in the buying me a beer challenge is the one writing this.

To be fair, though- we were pretty far up in the cheap seats, and attendance was, shall we say, light. I'll wait to see how Ben's pictures came out, but the entire lower bowl was terribly, embarrassingly empty.

UPDATE: Check it out:

They were celebrating the 25th anniversary of the Devils organization, and apparently felt that the best way to do so was to replicate the turnout from 1987.

Still, the Devils played a heck of a last 60 seconds, it's just a shame the crowd had to sit through the first 59. Buffalo didn't look great, but I'll tell you, when that Briere kid starts skating with the puck, things happen. Ultimately, two systems collided for 3 periods, and unsurprisingly, the Sabres were just a little bit better at taking advantage of their odd-man rushes.

Still, a bad night of NHL hockey still beats a good night of quite a few other activities, and I'm not quite ready to accept that the "Buy me a Beer Challenge" is an unworkable concept. After all, I still enjoy hockey, hockey fans still enjoy this blog, and I still enjoy beer.

Goddamnit, there's got to be a way we can make this work.

I'll be at the Bruins/Habs game on December 23rd.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

The American Hockey Fan "Buy Me a Beer Challenge!"

OK- here's how it works, people.

Myself, Ben from Unleashed , and Jack from Kukoda.com are attending the Devils/Sabres game this Tuesday December 12th at the Meadowlands. Ben is a Devils fan, Jack is a Sabres fan, and I'm a fan of great hockey and frosty beer.

Seeing as the Devils have just won five straight, ( including a 5-1 manhandling of the Boston Bruins this weekend ,) and the Sabres are one of the top three teams in the NHL this year, it looks like I'll be guaranteed at least one of those things.

It's up to you, dear reader, to provide the other.

You heard me.

If you're a fan of what I do on this blog, well, it's the holiday season, and this is your chance to give back. Remember, I write this blog for free, and present it to you commercial free, intentionally forgoing the literally tens of dollars a year I could be pulling in from Google Ads. Therefore, if you enjoy this blog, and are either attending the Devils-Sabres game or know someone who will be who is willing to act as your representative, read on:

The first fan of this blog (or their representative) to bring a cold draft beer to me, Ritch Duncan, at Section 206, row 11, seats 3-6, (I will be wearing a black Boston Bruins sweatshirt) at any time during the Devils Sabres game on December 12th, 2006 will win the following (optional) prizes:

1) At least one (1) picture with me (that will be published on this blog) .

2) At least one (1) paragraph (published on this blog) of effusive, genuine praise, saluting you (or your business or project) for your courage, good taste and strength of character.

3) The thanks of a grateful nation.

The second fan of this blog (or their representative) who brings a cold draft beer to me at Section 206, row 11, seats 3-6, will win the following prizes:

1) At least one (1) picture with me (that will be published on this blog) .

2) At least one (1) paragraph (published on this blog) of effusive, genuine praise, saluting you (or your business or project) for your courage, good taste and strength of character.

3) The thanks of a grateful nation.

The third fan of this blog (or their representative) who brings a cold draft beer to me at Section 206, row 11, seats 3-6, will win the following prizes:

1) At least one (1) picture with me (that will be published on this blog) .

2) At least one (1) paragraph (published on this blog) of effusive, genuine praise, saluting you (or your business or project) for your courage, good taste and strength of character.

3) The thanks of a grateful nation.

Lather, rinse and repeat, folks.

I'll be there all night.

NOTE: If you are not attending Tuesday's Devils game and do not know anyone who is, the American Hockey Fan "Buy me a Beer Challenge" will be repeated December 23rd at 7:00 PM at the TD Banknorth Garden in Boston. Seat location will be given out closer to gametime, provided that this potentially wonderful scam bear fruit.

And by fruit, I mean, of course, free beer.

Stop by!

It'll be fun to see you.

Hello, "Chris Pronger Rumors" people.

I've had a TON of hits, over the past few days, the way I always do when Edmonton plays Anaheim, but this time, it's moreso, seeing as Pronger is back in Edmonton tonight. In fact, the flurry of hits was so intense that I thought for second I'd missed the game.

Any predictions?

I don't have much to add, but for those people who liked the original post, or the follow up (from the last time this happened) here's a fun note from Ty Conklin's player info page, under assets:

Has plenty of confidence in the crease, and is a capable puck-handler. Works extremely hard at improving his game.

Well, I should hope so.

Well, while you're here folks, here are a few greatest hits:

Brind'Amour's Cup Smooch

Candle in the Wind: An Interpretive Dance

The sad lack of good books about hockey.

There might be better ones, bit I'm tired-

Oh, and if you want my predicton, I'd say 6-4 Anaheim, with a goal by Lupul and a goal and 2 assists from Pronger.

UPDATE: Thorton v Savard!

The Forechecker played my song!!


In a post earlier today (scroll down), I suggested that the excellent hockey stats site The Forechecker look a little deeper into Kevin Paul DuPont's assertion that Bruins fans shouldn't be living in the past, as Marc Savard is outperforming Joe Thornton this year.

Well, he did!.

How awesome is that?!

Of course, he proved DuPont right, which honestly, should come as a surprise to none of us.

Good times.

Maxim Magazine

OK- While my thoughts about Maxim Magazine are well documented, I think that their most recent outrage is worth discussing, especially in light of my problems with the people responsible for marketing the game of hockey in America. My views on this were articulated recently by a morose Flyers fan who plays on my beer league ice hockey team.

"They just don't get hockey," he said.

We had been rained out of our second game a few weeks ago, (We play in a killer outdoor rink at the North End of Central Park) and had decided to meet up at a midtown watering hole to, shall we say, increase team morale. Naturally, the conversation shifted to NHL hockey, and the fact that on a Monday night, how every TV in the bar was tuned to the football game; not one was on the Ranger game. I mean, sure, I get it that the NFL is big in this country, and Monday Night Football is an institution, but the fact is, if you are in a hometown bar, the hometown team should be on the TV. At least one of them. To a casual sports fan in this country, hockey doesn't exist, and in my mind, that's the fault of the marketing. My teammate took another sip and shook his head- "I mean, the things they value, the parts of the game that are great- they just don't get it."

To see a red hot example of this, take a gander at Maxim Magazine's recent slideshow Hockey's Toughest Bastards , which was emailed to me from Ben. I'm pretty sure he knew I'd flip out when I read it, and he loves to bait me.

While there are people on that list who are noble choices, their choice for number one was so asinine that I screamed aloud at my computer screen. I'll take a break and allow you to read the list. I guarantee you, you won't guess who number one is.

Spoilers after the break.




















#1 MARIO LEMIEUX

What?!!

The toughest bastard in hockey?!!

And how about this: "Tough Guy Cred: He beat cancer."

Wow.

So, what exactly do these dickheads think Saku Koivu beat, bird flu?

I mean, Jesus.

And while I understand that these lists are created to start controversy, that's just ignorance. I mean, if they would have picked Messier (who went #2) I guess I could have lived with it, but still, the stated "tough guy cred" is making the prediction of winning game 6 against the Devils? Great leadership, yes. Tough guy behavior, no. How about bringing up the fact that Messier shattered a guy's jaw with one punch? How about the time he cross checked Doug Gilmour in the face and changed the flow of a playoff series? That's the kind of controversy I expect. But to put Mario Lemieux on that list at all, not to mention at number one, shows that "they just don't get it."

Kevin Paul DuPont had some decent views in this week's Globe on how to improve the game as well.

By the way, I love DuPont, but that dude hates Joe Thornton. He was the columnist who called for Big Joe to give up the "C" after not talking to the media during his last big Bruin playoff collapse, and he makes the point this week about how Marc Savard is doing better than Big Joe so far this season, on a Points per game basis. I'd be interested in breaking down that comparison a little closer with some different stats- Hey Forechecker are you listening?
----------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE! Nov. 27 4:22 PM: HE WAS LISTENING!
------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, and just for fun, maybe some of the real hockey fans out there could leave a comment with their suggestion of a better number one on Maxim's little list. I can think of four right off the top of my head, none of which are mentioned. That list is to hockey knowledge what Maxim is to pornography.

Close, but far from getting the job done.

Well, the B's pulled it out last night-

- in a shootout.

While it wasn't the massacre I'd hoped it would be, it still was fun to imagine Gary Bettman telling Ted Leonsis what a great thing the shootout is for the game just as his Caps fell to 0-4 in that category. Although who knows? Maybe it wasn't such a bad night for Ted. There's a chance that his kids took some serious steps towards becoming self-actualized individuals all while staying loving within the family.

(See # 11 on Ted's 101 list)

If the B's can keep the ball rolling in Toronto tonight, there will be cause for optimism.

Oh, and I got another humor piece published, coinciding with the release of the new Bond movie. It ain't about hockey, but Jason Vorhees makes a cameo in a hockey mask, so that's close enough. You can read it here.

Happy Thursday People!

HERE WE GO BRUINS- HERE WE GO!

OK- based on how the Boston Bruins have performed this year, it's safe to say that my expectations for tonight's game against the Wasington Capitals are low.

However, today, on my run through the hockey blogs, I found myself over on the blog of Ted Leonsis , billionaire AOL executive and owner of the Washington Capitals. He's been linked over there on the sidebar as a prominent douchebag for quite a while.

Oh, and I know that he has a good relationship with hockey blogs, and has been one of the frontrunners of advancing expanded access of bloggers as journalists, but despite that, believe me when I tell you that this guy is a douche. Yes, he's opening doors for bloggers, but think about where he's coming from:

a) He works for an internet company, which means expanding the scope of the internet helps his business.

b)He owns the Washington Capitals, who have sucked so hard in recent years that if I owned them, I'd be reaching out to dudes who flyer windshields, for fuck's sake.

I mean, it's great that he's using blogs, but what are his other options?

The Washington Post?

But still, in case you're even a little bit on the fence about what a MAMMOTH douchebag this guy is, and the large cartoon version of his own head that adorns his blog (Ted's Take!) isn't enough for you, the creme de la creme of utter pomposity combined with sheer douchebaggery, has got to go to Ted's 101 list.

If you didn't click that link (and you should) this is a list of "Life Goals" that Ted has published on his blog, so all the little people can see all the great accomplishments of all things Ted. It's not hidden on the blog either, it's advertised prominently on the sidebar, with a flashy "check-box" graphic.

Let's get into this a little:

It starts off OK, with nice, normal things:

1 Fall in love and get married (check)
2 Have a healthy son (check)
3 Have a healthy daughter (check)

Great, right?

Well then it starts to get a little weird:

13 Net worth of ten million dollars, after taxes (check)
14 Net worth of one hundred million dollars, after taxes (check)
15 Net worth of one billion dollars, after taxes (Not checked yet?!)

Awww, C'mon, Ted, you can do it!

Let's all root for TED and his billion dollars AFTER taxes! Hooray for Ted, and his ability to achieve his goals!

And this goes on, and on and on.

23 Own a beach home that stays in family (check)
24 Own a jet (check)
25 Own a yacht (check)
26 Own a convertible Porsche or Mercedes Benz (check)
27 Own a mountain home that stays in the family (Not checked yet!? C'mon Ted!)
28 Own a great piece of art (check)
29 Own a great personal collection of watches (check)
30 Own a Ferrari (check)
31 Restore an antique auto (check)
32 Own a restaurant or club (check)
33 Support someone who makes a great breakthrough in science or art (Not checked)

How can this be? Ted is so refined and sophisticated! Surely this will be checked in a matter of time. Perhaps the cure for AIDS? Maybe a revolutionary breakthrough with stem cell research? I know- the common cold. Or could it be art? You can do it, Ted. We're all rooting for you. Of course, if you wanted to do something artistic, you might want to start with a hockey arena that doesn't look like a generic box, but Oh-wait- I forgot- sports owners don't finance arenas, taxpayers do.

My bad.

Either way, I digress.

Jesus, that guy sucks.

But as I was reading over Ted's blog, I stumbled across this little gem of information:

On Wednesday, Gary Bettman, the NHL Commissioner, will be coming to DC, where he and I will do some press work together and then attend the Caps vs Bruins game. It would be nice if our fans came out and showed their support for the Capitals in front of the Commissioner. :-)

you like the way he phrased that?

"Attend" the game- let no one ever accuse Bettman of actually WATCHING a hockey game. But still- Ted Leonsis and Gary Bettman- working together on "press."

I can see it now...


Gary:

We need to publicize the league- any ideas?


Ted:

How about a large series of Easter Island statues of my head?

Gary
Hmmm- can we make it LESS about hockey? I mean you're a hockey team owner, and people might actually make that connection and perceive it as being helpful to the game. Also, we're phasing out fighting entirely, and I don't like the "cementhead" thing. Maybe we can get OLN to change their name again?

Ted

Great idea! How about T.E.D.?

Gary

I like it!


And- Scene.

Either way, if I've ever wanted the Bruins to succeed, and I have, I want them to succeed tremendously tonight, if only to embarrass the crap out of Ted in front of Bettman.

C'mon, B's- I know there ain't a lot to play for when you're in the basement like this, but how about a 6-2 rout with a good old fashioned donnybrook at the end?

How about pulling one out for all of us who don't brag about owning "a great personal collection of watches?"

I mean, is there anything LESS hockey that that?

Do it up, boys.

Do it up.

Rumsfeld steps down-

- so why can't we do anything about Gary Bettman?

Anyway, a game to watch for tonight is Toronto/Boston, as player of the month Andrew Raycroft takes on his old team, the Boston Bruins, a team he was traded from because management was afraid he might tell the new guys in the locker room that Joe Thornton was a pretty good player.

Hannu Toivennen was sent to the minors yesterday too, so it'll be Thomas in net for the B's, a guy who despite never being the "goalie of the future," is a competitor who will play with some pride, seeing as it was he who rose to the challenge last year for the B's, and played well when Raycroft was injured.

It would be a pretty good game to watch, if I could watch it.

I initially gave the edge to the Leafs, as Peca is a bit of a Bruin killer, but upon further reflection, Glen Murray has been playing pretty well these days, and I bet he remembers where some soft spots on Raycroft are.

Prediction: 3-2 Bruins, with 5 minutes left in the 3rd period.

With these Bruins, anything after that is a coin flip, but I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that they will at least play well enough to have a lead to blow at the end.

You know me, I accentuate the positives.

1,000 words.

I got nothing today, people.

Well, except this, which should be the Third Jersey for the Blues::





You think John Davidson has a copy of Blizzard of Ozz?

I doubt it.

Oh, and by the way, I found that picture here .

The Reason I'm Not Watching Game 6 of the 1974 Stanley Cup Final between the Bruins and Flyers

Well, because I'm at work, and I actually have a lot to do today.

What's your excuse?


NHL games, both old and new, are now available on Google video.

For free.

Get your ass over there!

Brendan Shanahan-

Jesus, is this guy a hockey player.

I'm up late again, watching the Sharks and the Rangers, and this guy, down a goal with less than a minute left, blocks a shot with his chest and it hurts him. He stays in, stays in position, then manages to dive in the zone and slap a bank shot off the boards and into the empty net, making him the NHL's leading goalscorer and tying him with Bobby Hull on the all time goal scoring list.

Oh, and he also assisted on Cullen's goal.

And how about this Hollweg kid?

Putting the John Kerry Incident in perspective:

OK- I don't really like to talk politics on this blog, but watch this- I can tie it into hockey.

At this point, anybody with a television knows about the "botched joke" incident that has kept John Kerry in the headlines for the past two days. I won't run you all the way around the merry-go-round again, but to briefly recap, there's been a lot of talk about whether Kerry:

a) even said what he said
b) meant to say what he said
c) should apologize for being misinterpreted
d) Should have not have called Rush Limbaugh "doughy"
and e) f), g), and h), whatever the fuck they all are.

Either way, with the political spin machines angled the way they are, it was a clear cut victory for Republicans over the past few days. I mean, think about it- with a week to go before a tremendously important election, and with nobody that can think of a single goddamn thing that Republicans don't suck at, they seemed to be up against a wall. All of a sudden, BOOM- they are reminded of one thing they're actually great at- making John Kerry look like an asshole.

Not like that's really difficult, and I wouldn't run on it, but the Republicans don't have a lot of cards to play, and on this hand, they ran the table with a pair of twos.

But lets bring it back to hockey.

John Kerry, if you will remember, is a hockey player. To really understand what went down here, it's time to go back to the classics, and yes, I'm talking about Slap Shot.

In this situation, George Bush and the Republican party are Reggie Dunlop and the Charlestown Chiefs, and John Kerry, sadly, is Hanrahan. Player-coach Reg Dunlop is an affable guy, bit of a black sheep, who everyone agrees would be fun to have a beer with. But when the mill closes, and the fans start losing their jobs, Dunlop decides it's time to play dirty. Knowing that Hanrahan had flown off the handle after hearing that his wife was having sex with women, Dunlop taunts him with it again during a game, and sure enough, it works. Hanrahan goes nuts, attacks Dunlop, and the Chiefs score. As Ned Braden said, "It was a bullshit goal- a bullshit win."

Afterwards, in the locker room, Morris, one of the finest characters in American cinema by the way, asks Dunlop what he said to him, and Dunlop told him, saying "he's a stupid ape, I knew it would piss the shit out of him!"

If there is one thing guaranteed to piss the shit out of John Kerry, and make him act like a stupid ape, it's to accuse him of not supporting the troops, something he never responded to well during the campaign. I'm sure it still burns his ass that Bush and Cheney, two guys who avoided combat, used the swiftboat issue to paint a decorated combat veteran as anti-military, and have it actually work. I guess what I'm saying is, if you're confused how Tony Snow has the balls to stand up and say that "he isn't sure that Kerry wasn't insulting the intelligence of the troops" it makes a lot more sense if you just imagine him skating up behind the right goalpost, stopping behind Kerry's ear and and yelling "Suzanne sucks pussy!"

Cause that's what's going on there.

Oh, and apologies to you Canadians who regularly visit this site. I know it might be lame for you to sit through this tirade on American politics, but I don't want to hear any shit about it until your politicians stop fucking Tie Domi.

I mean, Jesus.

Watching the Rangers/Kings-

The game is on right now, and even though I was eagerly looking forward to the Ranger's west coast swing, daylight savings time is kinda kicking my ass-

Dang- Shanahan just blocked a shot, came in on a partial breakaway and just barely got denied.

What a great pickup for the Rangers.

I gotta say that I like the way the Kings are playing, when you shoot the puck from anywhere, a lot, good things happen. Still, the Rangers have been playing really sloppy in their defensive zone, and my guess is, daylight savings time isn't doing them any favors either, especially after playing a game in Phoenix two days ago. Remember, for them, that game is starting at 11:30.

It's nice to see Kopitar again, the kid seems to have some skills, and this game also marks the first time I've really gotten a good look at Sean Avery. I'm not sure what all the hubbub is about, on the ice he seems like a real hard nosed, tough, skilled hockey player. I guess he shoots his mouth off, and is obnoxious, but shit- he looked pretty good out there to me.

I'm looking forward to some good hockey this week as Lord knows, I love a late game and the Rangers have both the Ducks and the Sharks coming up. From what I read, those seem to be the two teams that the rest of the league is using as a barometer, so it should be fun.

Boom- Shanahan just scored, maybe tied for the league lead in goalscoring now?

I think so.

Yep.

Damn.

They may still have life.

Oh, and before I go, a big shoutout to my street hockey team, the Mighty Squirrels of the Blacktop Street Hockey League , who finished up our season on Sunday with a big 1-0 win. We were a far shot from a winning record, but that never affected the temperature of the beer at the bar afterwards, and everybody on the team played hard, with a good attitude. Hockey is supposed to be fun, and by that barometer, we were undefeated. But it still was fun to go out with a win.

BANG!
And there's Avery answering for LA!

Can I call it, or what?

4-1 Kings, and I'm guessing Jagr's done skating for the night.

We'll see.

Either way, I think I'm heading to bed.

Big ups to the Squirrels.



Go Nuts!

Sunday, sunday sunday.

Well, it's Sunday today, and if you're a serious hockey fan in America you gotta love Sunday, as it's pretty much the only day of the week that you can count on a small dose of extended, thoughtful hockey coverage in your local newspapers.

Hockey journalism in conventional newspapers is slipping fast, with many papers relying on AP feeds and many refusing to even send reporters to road games. The logical response to this by levelheaded hockey folks all over the country is to embrace hockey bloggers, which, I admit, makes a good deal of sense. Guys like Eric over at Off Wing and Paul over at Kukla's Korner have picked up that banner and run with it nobly, with both the excellent blogs they maintain and the cherry gigs they've picked up over at NBC Sports and NHL.com respectively. And while that's great news for both those guys personally and for fans of the game everywhere, at the same time, I'm a bit of a conservative, and I weep for the loss of newsprint.

So on the one hand, while I feel uniquely blessed that live in a world where I can pop over to the Battle of California and watch Derek Boogard cleaning Todd Fedoruk's fucking clock, I'm also painfully aware that I can't really do so while taking a shit.

So it's Sunday today, and I give thanks for both Larry Brooks and Kevin Paul DuPont.

in fact. I'm gonna print both of those out right now, and recuse myself for, oh- say, 15 to 20 minutes.

It's Sunday- and a man cannot be rushed.

Don't worry, I'll light a match.

1.2 seconds?

Really?

Sigh.

Played hockey last night.

You heard me.

Ice Hockey.

Boards, goalies, sticks and pucks all on a killer outside rink in the northern most part of Central Park. I haven't played ice hockey for a couple of years, it's tough to get the ice time and the legalities sorted out here in New York City, but god damn is it worth it when you do.

I'll tell you, if there is a better sensation than hitting the ice, taking a few hard strides for the first skate of the season and hearing and feeling that nice thick, heavy smack of a fast hockey puck hitting your tape with a fast moving pass, I don't know what it is.

Wait.

Lemme rephrase that.

I'll tell you, if there are two better sensations than hitting the ice, taking a few hard strides for the first skate of the season and hearing and feeling that nice thick, heavy smack of a fast hockey puck hitting your tape with a fast moving pass, I don't know what the second one is.

I can think of one, but I'll thank you to remember, I'm a gentleman.

So, I'll probably get a ton of new readers today, as Pronger played the Ducks last night, and everybody will be googling him and his wife again. Those posts, are here and here if you're concerned, but if you're interested in the present, any predictions for the Atlanta/Buffalo game on Saturday?

That should be a barn burner.

The Buffalo Sabres-

-are for real.

I mean, no joke here, and I know it's early, but I saw the game on Versus tonight, and they were superior to the Montreal Canadiens in every way possible.

But before I get too sloppy about the Sabres, (and I'll let my buddy Jack and the guys from Bflo blog do the gloating for now) can we take a moment and address this "Versus" shit?

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they are there, it was nice to hear former Bruin Andy Brickley doing a Yeoman's job from the broadcast booth, and I was thrilled to get a look at the hottest team in hockey right now.

But I swear to God, who in the name of Christ thought that renaming your network "Versus" was a good idea?

I know, I've railed against this before , but what I forgot in that last post was the fact that if you are looking for a game on "Versus," if you do the natural thing and google some variation of "vs. hockey schedule" look at what you get.

That's right, every single internet mention of every game mentioned on the internet that is listed with the word "vs."

Which is everything.

All hockey games.

Ever.

Including field hockey, for Christ's sake.

This season, last season, everything.

I mean, I love this game more than any other, so much so that I'm even reluctantly willing to enjoy the success of a Buffalo sports team , and I know that others feel the same way I do.

So why is it, that at every turn, this league makes marketing decisions that literally make it difficult for people who already want to watch to do so? I mean, if it's difficult for people who already want to watch, what are your chances for new viewers?

Here's a radical idea NHL- a nightly wrapup show.

Every night when there are more then 2 games, rent a studio, get a few talking heads and syndicate it on Fox Sports.
I'm getting email after email from people out there who want to put this blog on people's iPods, and I'm drunk for half the posts I put up. So here's a radical idea, put some hockey on television. And make it easy to find on Google.

I mean Jesus, Christ, "Versus?"

They might as well have named it the "And" network.

Damn- I'm amazed that this shit still riles me up.

Did you know that on Halloween, Conan is doing an all skeleton show?

How sweet is that?

Sweeter than anything the NHL has done to promote itself in 30 years, I can tell you that much.

Well, the bastards got me again.

Yes, of course, I'm talking about the Boston Bruins, the team of my youth, the team that taught me to love the game, and the team who has never won a Stanley Cup in my entire fucking lifetime. Anyway, yeah- the same Bruins who won their home opener last night against the Calgary Flames and who, according to my brother, reportedly looked pretty good.

I'll tell you though- if they woulda got beat, it would have been a tall order to keep me interested.

I didn't watch the game of course, as if you've been reading lately, I can't get the goddamn hockey package this season. I'd keep bitching about it, but the humor of the situation has matured into a deep, lasting sadness. Regardless, last night was a must win for the B's, and as they'd already blown leads this year, I watched the score update live during the 3rd period on the Yahoo ticker with baited breath.

I don't know if you've ever tried to monitor a hockey score like that, but it's updated really sporadically. Yahoo broadcasts some games live, but never the games I want to see of course. What do you guys think about someone from the Boston area taping the whole game plus pregame and postgame, and putting it up on YouTube for a late broadcast? I think that would be fucking totally sweet, and I might have an inkling of guilt over it if the NHL and the Center Ice Package weren't as well known for never missing a opportunity to miss an opportunity. Seriously, as much fun as the porno music is, if you're a hometown fan, you not only want to see the pre and post game, but if you have an inkling of a life, it's nice to catch the game on a late night replay.

I'm not saying I DO have an inkling of a life, but- you know?

Still, it's hard to say- if the YouTube was choppy it could make the game hard to follow. I'd appreciate any ideas on this problem.

Anyway, the B's had a one goal lead, and as the time agonizingly slid away on the ticker, I was relieved to see them hold out for the win; two goals from Glen Murray was nice to see as well.

On the other hand, Kevin Paul DuPont over at the Globe had my mouth watering a bit with his suggestion of Murray and a high draft pick going to the Sharks for Nabakov. They know that Murray and Joe work well together, and they have two goalies hanging around.

Plus, in one of the lamer scheduling decisions this season, they don't play each other this year, or at least not in Boston, which as stupid a decision as that is by the league, at least clears the decks for players coming back to hurt them.

Oh, and having Joe Thornton not come back to Boston this year is a stupid, stupid move by a league almost legendary for it's stupid moves. Lemme walk you through it:

- Joe Thornton got traded by the B's last year
- gets scapegoated for the losing season
- goes to San Jose and catches fire
- came back to Boston once last year, but got pitched out in the first minute for boarding Hal Gill
- wins the MVP in San Jose

Now they don't have him back in Boston the next season?

At all?

And why? So there can be more intra-conference games, to quote "build rivalries."

Because Joe Thornton and the Bruins doesn't qualify as a rivalry at all.

I'm sure that extra game against Toronto is totally going to be worth it.

But, for a real rivalry, I'll pull the Youtube that Doogie stuck in my comments section this week and really deserves to be out here in a post for all to see:

As he said in the comment, if you want to skip the interviews and get right to the uninterrupted hatred, skip ahead to the four minute mark, but I recommend the entire thing.

Enjoy:

Goddamn, I'm tired.

-and a little drunk, too.

I had that big second glass of scotch tonight, you know the one?

The one where you have one glass of scotch, and it treats you right, so when you go for the second, the glass fills up to the proper level, and there is so little left in the bottle that you think, "Well, Christ- I can't leave that little in there, it's a waste."

So you top it off, and damned if that isn't too much scotch.

It's funny how with milk, that tiny amount always ends up back in the fridge, but with scotch, it's in your belly.

Ah, well.

Anyway, I'm drunk, and when I made a move for the wine my girlfriend got angry, so now I'm pissed off for two reasons, one that I can't have another drink, and two that she's totally right that I shouldn't have another drink.

Fuck, me.

My new job started last week, and it's not that it's that hard, but it's just new, andthat costs a certain amount of mental energy. Also, with the Bruins sucking and all, I haven't really had the energy for much hockey blogging.

Still, despite my exhaustion, inactivity and relative intoxication, I do have the energy to let you know that none of these obstacles in my path have deterred, even for a moment, my passionate belief that the Montreal Canadiens are immoral bags of human filth.

While I'm at it, I continue to hate the Penguins as well, just on general principle. I hope they don't move, if for no other reason than if they head to Canada, I'll end up rooting for them. That's the good thing about hockey, it gives you a venue to displace the hate in your life.

Anyway, I went to the garden last night and saw the Rangers beat the Devils 4-2, thanks to my pal Eric, a corporate lawyer with great company hockey seats and the spirit of an old school Blueseats brawler. It was him that made the comment that the famous "Blue Seats" in Madison Square Garden are now painted a shade of light purple. I mean, that's a problem, right?

I'll tell you, there aren't enough Ranger fans like him, especially in the corporate seats. Did you know that when you sit down there, they have a lady that will bring you beers in your seat? It's awesome, but based on the company in the corporate seats, including several unmolested Devils fans, I suspect that some of those dudes could learn a thing or two from the conversation in the beer line. Still, Eric does it right. I had the pleasure of watching the game with another friend of his, an old timer who was in the building back when Bobby Orr won the cup over the Rangers in 1970.

I'll tell you, the original six teams have some fans who go back, boy.

It's a shame that the NHL can't market that.

Time for bed, kids.

Gotta get up for work in the morning.

Hockey doesn't live here anymore- The RCN Chronicles (Part Two)

10/07/06: Day Four without the hockey package.

It's Saturday, so I wake up early and head to my teaching gig on Staten Island. I am mocked by a teenaged teacher's assistant and Devils fan who knows I like the Bruins, and was aware of the massacre on opening night. I graciously accept the mocking. One of hockey's great benefits is the way it allows you to befriend others by making them feel bad. I admit that I've been nervous about how many penalties Chara will draw in a league more dependent on speed than size, and we discuss it. I know that Chara has skills, but I'm still nervous after watching him in a preseason game against the Rangers. They shouldn't even put preseason games on TV- the urge to watch them is too strong.

I arrive home after a full day of teaching, and can't watch the Bruins play the Lightning. Instead, the lady and I go out to celebrate our good fortunes with a nice dinner at Churrascaria Plataforma, a Brazilian restaurant where you pay a flat fee, and waiters with swords walk up and slice huge pieces of meat right onto your plate. It's all you can eat, and by the time the guy came around with chicken wrapped in bacon, I thought I would die of joy. Or gluttony. It's easy to confuse those two sometimes.

On the one hand, I missed the the Bruins beating the Lightning, but on the other hand, I ate skirt steak off a bloody sword.

I'd call it a draw.



I ate this. All of it.


















Still, I'm damn curious how Kessel played. He picked up his first assist of the season, and I'm looking forward to watching this kid.

I contemplated this the next day as well, while taking a nine pound dump.

They play the Islanders next week.

I'll get my chance.

Welcome to New York, Shanny.

A funny comic and writer pal of mine named Jonathan Corbett used to have a bit about how nobody ever says the words "Welcome to New York" in this city sincerely. The only time you ever hear it is right after something awful, disgusting and embarrassing has just happened. Step off the bus, suitcase in hand and a car drives through a nearby puddle, soaking you with oily, disgusting water?

"Welcome to New York, dickhead!"

Get used to it.

I was lucky enough to score a ticket to the home opener of the New York Rangers last night, and for new blueshirt Brendan Shanahan, the same principle did not apply. The Madison Square Garden faithful greeted him with a huge ovation, and after Jagr showed everyone in the building that he deserved to wear the C, scoring in the first 30 seconds, it seemed like- Shanahan took over, knotching two goals, the 599th and 600th of his career.

Just like that, New York City had a new favorite son.

I can't think of a better start of the season for Ranger fans, who've had a pretty tough decade. In fact, it's been a pretty hard 10 years for pretty much every original 6 team that didn't have, well- Brendan Shanahan. Either way, Madison Square Garden was rocking, the Potvin family was once again put in it's place, and there even was a chant of "We want the cup" towards the end, which I still feel is kind of optimistic considering that the team they defeated was the lowly Washington Capitals, who all seemed to be trying to win the game by themselves. Still, it was fun to see Ovechkin skate, and I'll tell you, it's even more impressive to see this kid live, mainly because (and this is a skill he shares with Crosby) he just never gives up on an offensive bid. When the play is on his off wing, he hovers- waiting for an opportunity, timing his rhythmic loops like Pat LaFontaine used to do, hoping to be in the right place at the right time to grab a loose puck.

But unlike LaFontaine, who mostly did this in the offensive zone, and scored innumerable goals by just hanging around the back door and knocking it in, Ovechkin does it all over the ice. He lays back, doesn't expend energy, then explodes. When he gets the puck the air goes out of the arena, and everybody just watches. He breaks down the ice, and doesn't so much beat guys as just outwork them. If they sweepcheck it from him, he follows the puck and gets there first. If they hit him, he absorbs it, rolls off and stays with it. Then when he is surrounded by players, he time and time again makes something out of nothing. Miraculously, he gets off a shot or a pass where for the average player, there was nothing.

Sadly, for him, he's on a line with two other average players, and they, and him, had nothing last night.

But the Rangers looked good.

I won't say that the Rangers are "back" until you walk around that building and start seeing fans wearing jerseys of players who actually still play there, (It's still a sea of Richter's Messiers, Graves', Leetches and Gretzky's) but I feel that Shanahan's tour de force performance will do quite a lot to change that.

Tonight we see if the Bruins can climb off the mat as well.

Christ, I wish I could watch that game.

F- You RCN Cable.

Two out of three ain't bad-

Well, I got a minor shock last night as I sat down to watch hockey, and discovered that my well thought out plan to flip between the OLN (I'm still having a trouble calling them "Versus") coverage of the 'Canes and Sabres and the free preview on NHL's center ice package (which featured the Sens and Leafs last night) was not to be.

This is because I am a subscriber of RCN Cable here in Manhattan, a system that my girlfriend already had when I moved in last January, and they do not offer the NHL package.

You heard me.

1000 channels, at least 15 of which are exclusively devoted to Korean folk music, but nope, you can't get a goddamn hockey game.

I always watch the free preview of the NHL Center Ice package, and based on how much I love it, and how much the Bruins suck that year, I decide if I will buy it right then, or wait until the all star break, when you can get it for half off.

So I called RCN, and asked why I couldn't seem to find the channel that had the NHL package, and surprise- they passed the buck.

"Well, it looks like the NHL was unable to get this deal done."

Yeah, with you!

What a prick.

Oh, and I'd love to change cable systems if RCN didn't already do our phone, cable TV, internet service, and two email addresses that my girlfriend uses for work.

I'm sick about this.

I mean- I really wish I could do something about it, but the argument with my girlfriend goes like this:

"Yeah, we should totally go through the hassle of canceling and resigning up with 3 utilities and two email addresses, which entails a lot of time, energy, waiting on hold with faceless scumbag companies and composing and sending out 2 large group emails. Why? Well for one thing, I'm pretty sure that Chara and Savard are gonna turn the B's around this year. Oh, and when we do this, I'll also be watching hockey almost every night, even the teams I don't really care that much about, and will get a pained expression on my face everytime you suggest we just 'pop in something we got from netflix tonight because let's remember we're paying for that too.'"

The bottom line, is I'm fucked.
If anybody has a good idea on who I can blame for this, I'm all ears.

How about the NHL?

Let's try it:

It just vexes me that the NHL would let this happen. Of all the fans you could potentially lose, I wouldn't have thought they would have lost me. I mean, fuck- I have a blog called American Hockey Fan for Christ's sake- yet the NHL has found a way to even lose my 150 bucks.

Amazing.

They have just enough money to paint "Thank You Fans" on the bluelines, but not enough to MAKE THE GAMES AVAILABLE TO PEOPLE WHO ALREADY WANT TO WATCH!

I mean, Christ!

These assholes never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.

Anyway, I'm only as pissed as a guy can be who not only saw some great hockey last night, (what an ending of the Stars-Avs game!), but is heading to Madison Square garden tonight to see Alex Ovetchkin and the Caps take on Brendon Shanahan and the Rangers for opening night. There was a brief "I might not be able to get the tickets" scare yesterday, but my pal Eric came through, God bless him.

Also, if you have to go without the hockey package, New York city isn't a bad market to do it in- I have all the OLN games as well as all the Rangers, Isles and Devils games on basic cable for nothing. That oughta be good for at least 20 Bruins games this season.

Sigh.

Oh, and one other thing: When your favorite team is not involved, shootouts are boring.

I know the point is important, blah blah blah, but during the first half who cares? One team will get one extra point, and one won't. Huzzah. When you see 8 breakaways in a row they start to lose their effect, which in turn takes some of the thrill out of watching a real penalty shot, which is a shame, as there are few things as awesome as a penalty shot.

Like what you ask?

Oh, I dunno- how about having a cable system that allows me to pay money and watch hockey games?

Seriously, nice work RCN.

No really, you're doing a great job.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to flip over to channel 643, where RCN's got the Spanish language edition of the making of the Gus Van Sandt remake of "Psycho."

F#*K YOU, FANS!

Hockey starts tonight-

But before all that, Steven Colbert marked the beginning of the season last night on his show with the teaser "I'll give you a reason to watch hockey- and it's not the hockey."

I can't find a current clip, but basically, what was suggested in this clip from his show from a while back has come to pass:



It was announced on Colbert's show last night that the Mascot of the Ontario Hockey League club Saginaw Spirit has been named for Colbert. The new mascot, "Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle" is notable for me, mostly for the bitter, drunken hate mail Steagle is sure to recieve from the recently unemployed "Wild Wing Duck" from the formally Mighty Ducks of Anaheim.


Wild Wing: Distraught


The only current NHLer to skate for Saginaw is Chris Thorburn, who was put on wiavers by Buffalo last year and was just picked up by the Pittsburgh Penguins yesterday.

It looks to be a cup of coffee with the big club for Thorburn, but who knows? If the Penguins perform anywhere near last year's record of 22-46-14, well- wherever Thorburn ends up, my guess is it'll be funny.

The Colbert Report re-run, with it's "Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle" footage, airs today on Comedy Central at 10:30 AM and 2:30 PM and 8:30 PM.

I heartily recommend checking out the first two.

At 8:30, I'll be watching hockey.

You know, for the hockey.

Penultimate.

Well, here we are- the day before the hockey season starts, and it's going to be a fun, fun week.

I just got word that I've been invited to opening night over at Madison Square Garden Thursday, so this week will progress very nicely for me.

Here's how the week is shaping up:

Wednesday: A great opening night double header on the couch, with the Hurricanes and Sabres game 7 rematch early and Colorado and Dallas late, divided nicely by the season premiere of South Park on Comedy Central. A better night of television is hard to imagine.

Thursday: A nice, up-close and personal look at both Alex Ovechkin and Brendan Shanahan in a Rangers sweater live at the garden with my pal and Street hockey compatriot Eric Breitman. Bless his heart for thinking of me.

Friday: Back to the couch for the debut of my new look, "Post-Joe" Boston Bruins. I'll be keeping a special eye on Zdeno "Brand New Captain" Chara, Phil "Great New hope?" Kessel, and Marc "Christ, I hope he can set up someone besides Kovalchuck" Savard.

I'm also very much looking forward to seeing how hockey friendly the new Tony Luke's is going to be.

If you're in New York City, Tony Luke's has, hands down, the best fucking cheesesteak in town, a sandwich easily good enough that it was well worth heading to their off-the-beaten-path location behind the Port Authority Bus Terminal and enduring a decor that made me long for the charm of a urine soaked Off Track Betting outlet.

Tony Luke's rules.

Reportedly, they ship all of their ingredients up I-95 from Philly every day, and here's how good they are: They're not paying me to write this, although it occurs to me that maybe I should ask them to, if for no other reason than some store credit. Jesus, they make a good sandwich.

Now, having the best cheesesteak in New York City is awesome enough, just on general principle, but now, just in time for hockey season, they have FULLY RENOVATED their space, cleaned it up, added 3 huge HDTV's, a bar, buffalo wings, and a motherfucking happy hour cheap enough to be in accordance with a bar behind a bus station. What I'm saying is, the best sports food you've ever had, in a great environment with booze and HDTV's, all out of the way enough that it might not be too crowded. Sure you might get stabbed stumbling out of a bar behind the bus station in New York City at 11:30 PM, but I'm here to tell you, you'll get stabbed happy.

I'm sure they'll be busy on Sundays and Mondays with football, and probably while the Yankees and Mets are in the playoffs there won't be much chance of getting a hockey game on, but I'll keep checking in.

If they don't mind putting a hockey game on, there is a chance this could be the best hockey bar in town, and if someone knows a better one, you better already be thinking about posting a comment or sending me an email.

The thing is, it's always been tough to watch hockey in New York. Deep down, despite how much New York likes a winner, and yes, they loved their '94 Rangers and their Islander dynasty, but New York City has always been a basketball town. I've seen it happen- this city gets more excited about the Knicks getting close to winning than the Yankees winning it all three years straight. This is good for hockey fans because from what little I understand about basketball, Isaiah Thomas has fucked up the Knicks so badly that it might actually be possible to get a hockey game on in a bar in this town.

You know, once the baseball playoffs are over.

And if there isn't a football game on.

Or, you know- a US Open tennis re-run.

*Sigh*

Either way, today, Tuesday October 3rd, 2006, marks the last time I will be even remotely giving a fuck about baseball until a week or so after the Stanley cup is raised in mid-June.

So in that spirit, enjoy my pal Sully's great baseball blog today, as he breaks down the playoffs for you. If you're a fan of the Red Sox, or HBO sports, you may recognize him as the guy from those "Curse of the Bambino" and Reverse of the Curse of the Bambino" documentaries on HBO. Plus he's funny as hell, and his blog features one of the best fan photos I've ever seen, a picture he took himself, which I have pilfered from his blog and reproduce here. I hope you enjoy it:



Hockey starts tomorrow, kids.

Enjoy the season.

The NHL is back- Um, again.

But what does it all mean?

This Wednesday, as the Buffalo Sabres and Carolina Hurricanes open the 2006-2007 National Hockey League season with a rematch of the Eastern Conference finals, it makes sense to look back and reflect on what it means that hockey is back.

Really, this time.

Of course, nothing will compare to last season, when the phrase, "hockey is back" meant "back from the lockout," "back from the grave," or possibly even, "back from the grave?" Despite the return to action, we wondered at the time, was hockey really on the way back, or was it merely a sport without an audience gasping for one more chance to redeem itself? All things considered, the game made some splendid strides forward last season, especially seeing that at this time last year, (and pardon me as I lay yet another two-hander across the spine of one of sports journalism's favorite dead horses) the National Hockey League was on very thin ice.

As fans prepared for the opening of the season last year, times were dark indeed. The game that we loved to play and watch above all others had inexplicably cancelled an entire season due to a labor dispute, had been dropped from it's television contract on ABC and ESPN, and was only to be shown nationally in America on OLN, a virtually unknown basic cable network best known for bicycle racing, Survivor re-runs and a reality show starring Ted Nugent. Worst of all, the mainstream sports media here in America relished in telling us over and over again that not only did the majority of American sports fans not miss hockey, but they didn't even notice it was gone.

It was discouraging, but to the true fan, there was reason for optimism. As the new salary cap system came into effect, fans were treated to the most exciting free agency period in the history of the game, superstars swapped teams, exciting new rules appeared for debate and the lowly Pittsburgh Penguins were awarded the most heralded first overall draft pick in years in Sidney Crosby. There were also some
typically ham-fisted attempts at public relations, first and foremost, the "Thank You Fans" messages, written large enough on the bluelines to be seen even from the building's cheapest seats, whose prices had been reduced from 2003's "ludicrously expensive" down to merely "ridiculously expensive." When compared to how hockey fans felt at having an entire season cancelled, it was a pitiful, empty gesture.
But we'd take what we could get; we missed our game and it had been returned to us.

So, on October 5th, 2005, as we collectively huddled around our TV sets or filed into arenas to watch all 30 NHL teams return from the longest, coldest off-season in history, there was joy and relief, but along with it came anxiety. There had been a lot of tough talk from the league about how scoring would be up, shootouts would be thrilling and the much maligned "clutch and grab" would be banished forever. Which was fine, but there were also quite a few purists, myself included, who thought- "Well, they score a lot in the NBA, and that sport sucks." So yes, while it was great to see the Boston Bruins angling up for an opening face off against the Montreal Canadiens, a match-up we'd seen hundreds of times in the past; we wondered- would we recognize it?

As it turned out, it took a while.

In the first weeks of the 2005-'06 NHL season, there was a parade to the penalty box like nothing we had ever seen. Players, coaches, officials and fans debated what was a penalty and what wasn't, what was holding and what wasn't, and how to correct a growing epidemic of diving so insidious it seemed like every player in the NHL had the number 66 on his back.

Yeah, I said it.

Oh, c'mon Penguin fans, I'm not saying Mario wasn't one of the greatest ever, I'm just saying in addition to the Calder, Hart, Ross and Smythe Trophies he's won, he's embellished his way into enough calls over the years that his trophy case might not be diminished by, say, a daytime Emmy or two.

Admit it, you'll feel better.

Either way, my point is, it took a while for the "New NHL" to find it's legs, a task made even more difficult by the rash of groin, ankle and back injuries, an unforeseen casualty of the long layoff. With the exception of the Ottawa Senators, who seemingly couldn't lose in the first half, the game limped along through the end of 2005, and in January 2006 was denied what could have been a great opportunity to sell itself at the Olympics when uninspired play and a horribly timed
gambling scandal combined to embarrass hockey in the national spotlight once again.

Then, all of a sudden, it happened.

As we got into February and March, hockey got it's footing. Yeah, there were some new rules we might quibble with, but overall, the game had improved for the better. But where was the line? When and how exactly did the NHL turn things around? I guess to use a player as a metaphor, one might logically say that the NHL, both last season and now, is Patrick Elias.

Sidelined for most of last season with Hepatitis, Elias, like the NHL, was sick with something that no one had ever seen before and there wasn't a hell of a lot of confidence that either of them would be the same. The illness lasted through the entire first half of the season, but when Elias returned for the final 38 games, everything started to turn around. He went on a tear, scoring 16 goals and 29
assists, averaging just under 2 points a game.

As this was happening, the national scene began to realize players like Eric Staal, Dion Phaneuf and Cristobal Huet were for real, playing thrilling hockey and making the game exciting again. As the race for playoff spots began, we started watching as speed became king, and young, fast teams like the Hurricanes and Sabres exploited the new rules to their advantage. We watched a rejuvenated Joe Thornton make Boston fans ache as he turned Jonathan Cheechoo from a second line winger into the Richard trophy winner, and we were thrilled to watch Miikka Kiprusoff rack up shutout after shutout up in Calgary. OK- we didn't actually "watch" Kiprusoff, OLN was pretty light on the Flames games out east, but you know what I mean. We read about him, and wished we could have watched.

It was a thrilling spring.

Meanwhile, the Devils were being led by Elias on a stunning 16 game winning streak down the stretch run, adapting and excelling under a system of new rules that were pretty much designed to stop the New Jersey Devils. And it didn't work. Any American hockey fan should be proud as hell of the Devils, and if you're the kind of person who bitches about how the trap was "boring," I'll tell you this- you'd
love it if your team was as consistently good as them.

And then- the Stanley Cup Playoffs. What can one say about the Stanley Cup playoffs? I've never done heroin, but I've known people who have, and the way they describe it, they say it's just the most exhilarating, intense rush of pure joy they have ever experienced.

Of course, they also don't wash much.

It's a toss up.

But let's be clear- I'm not advocating heroin; at 33 years of age, I'm a little old for new drugs. Still, I will go so far as to say that if I ever heard about an illicit substance that made me feel half as good as I feel watching playoff hockey, well- you couldn't watch the sensationalistic evening news story on this dangerous new street drug, because I would have already broken into your house and stolen your TV to buy more of it. The Stanley Cup playoffs are something special, and last season, they did not disappoint.

Elias, like the NHL, stormed into the playoffs with a head full of steam, fueled by the conviction that even though the future was a question mark at the beginning of the season, hard work, passion and drive can turn things around. In the first round of the playoffs, Elias faced a much-improved New York Ranger team full of his own
countrymen, and was the best Czech player on the ice. The Devils dominated the slumping Rangers and the injured Jaromir Jagr, beating them in four games, and despite being swept by a regional rival, the fantastic hometown hockey fans in New York stood and applauded their team. The Rangers had been an embarrassing mess for far too long, and last year their team turned it around and made the playoffs, giving a great fan base something to cheer for the first time in the new
millennium. Remember, the fans had plenty to boo that team for given their play down the stretch run, but when the season was over, they didn't. They rose as one and thanked the team for the year.

As for Elias and the Devils, well, they were eliminated in 5 by the eventual
Stanley Cup champs. But it didn't matter, the ball was rolling, hockey was back, and the playoffs had moments as memorable as any in history. We had R.J. Umberger getting his bell rung, Michael Peca dislodging the net with his throat against the Ducks, Dwayne Roloson in double overtime catching a bullet of a slap shot from Jonathan Cheechoo in the slot, and Steve Yzerman's last game in the NHL.

In the finals, we had Fernando Pisani's shorthanded OT game winner, Ty Conklin's Steve Smith moment, and Rod Brind'Amour making out with the Stanley Cup. It was a great final series, and a great win for the Hurricanes, particularly for veteran D-man Glen Wesley, who was not only the last active player from the great Boston Bruin
teams who challenged for the cup in '88 and '90, but was also the only man left on the 'Canes who had made the original trip down south from the Hartford Whalers, giving three great American sports cities a reason to cheer.

And as for hockey, where are we now, as opposed to where we were? We're in much better shape. Patrick Elias is as healthy as ever, and ready to start the season strong. And hockey is right there with him.

Welcome back hockey, We missed you.

Again.

This is pretty sweet.

If you can't see it here, check out The Smoking Gun for the big image.





Thanks to Ben for the find.

Did anybody consider-

-that the Bruins might have picked up Paul Mara and Zdeno Chara this off season mainly because they have the most fun names in the NHL to to yell in a Boston accent?

Say Chara, Frenchy! Say it right! Come back here, I'm not through demeaning you!

By the way, that link should last a week, tops. Enjoy it while you can.

John Buccigross-

-is back in action today over at ESPN.com, and it's good to have him back.

My link over there on the sidebar doesn't seem to get you anywhere, but here's the direct link.

I emailed John back before I started this blog about opportunities to write about hockey, and he was kind enough to email me back, which was a pleasant surprise. He didn't have too much advice other then "start writing," which I certainly knew already, but I did appreciate the response. And I know he's an ESPN guy, which is tantamount to treason for most hockey fans, given the limited coverage and outright scorn the game receives from most of those clowns over at Sportcenter, but if you read his column on a regular basis I think you'll find a smart, thoughtful, humorous dude who really cares about the game and is fighting for all American hockey fans from the belly of the beast.

So I thank him for that.

That's not to say I agree with everything he says, (Gonchar will have a good year? Really?) and as much as he knows about the NHL, which is a great deal, he is sadly misinformed about how much the average hockey fan likes indy rock.

I get it, you have eclectic musical taste. Now stop telling me that the Ottawa Senators are like a Ben Folds Five song.

Christ.

Either way, welcome back John-

Now can you pull some strings and get us a nightly hockey wrapup show again?

Pretty busy today-

So in lieu of a real post, I offer up this Youtube of Steve Carell's hockey sketch from the old Dana Carvey show.



And you know what?

While I'm at it, from the same show, the wonderful "Waiters who are nauseated by food."



Nine days till hockey.

I got nothing today.

Well, almost nothing.

I do have this picture I found on the internet of Martin Luther King playing goal for the Washington Capitals.






Umm,

Yeah.

So- how are you guys today?

I'm not the only one who has noticed this, right?

Boston Bruins Goaltender Hannu Toivonen















The St. Pauli Girl










Wait- hold on.

Crap.

Did I label those wrong?


That's not to say it's a problem, if the Bruins find a goaltender who can maintain a G.A.A. lower than a 2.60 next season, I don't give a fuck if he looks like Mrs. Butterworth's:







The future of the B's














(thanks, Groggie !)





Come to think of it, if I was shopping for a goaltender among the realm of female mascots of corporate food chains, I'd probably start with the Land O'Lakes butter maiden, based on her clear mastery of the butterfly style of goaltending:








Uncanny, no?















Plus, for those of us out there who were dirty perverts in the third grade, we're well aware of the butter maiden's impressive ability to twist both of her knees behind her back, which could come in handy for a goaltender in trouble. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, I congratulate you.

More importantly, Chara's foot is going to be fine.

Just keep repeating that, until it's true.

You got a better plan?

I'm all ears.

My head hurts.

The comedy show went well yesterday night, and me and the lads stayed out late for a drop or five.

So I'll keep this short except to give a tip of the hat to Kukla for linking me up on NHL.com.

For those of you who are new to the site, well, hello, welcome, and feel free to poke around the site a little.

Keep in mind, though, I'm a little hung over today, so not so loud, OK?

A good place to start might be the Tie Domi retirement, a situation I called weeks ago .

We'll miss you Tie.

I'd write more, but my head feels like I just fell into the penalty box with you .

If you're in New York-

-check out Warning Shot Comedy the stand-up showcase I'm hosting tonight that Time Out New York named their "Don't Miss" comedy show.

Of course, if you're not in New York, there are plenty of other options for quality comedy tonight.

Like, say- Dancing with the Stars, which I have written about (read: shit on) before here.

Or, you could check out my pal Chris Deluca's very funny new blog talking about how much this show (and a great many other things) suck:

As he says:

Do you realize you're watching Tucker Carlson dance?

I mean, that's a compelling question, America.

You're actually watching someone who isn't even good at doing the job he is hired to do, doing something that he is even less good at doing.

Be strong America, hockey's only 2 weeks away.

Once again, here's the details for the show:

WARNING SHOT COMEDY
Dillon's
245 W 54th St
(Bway & 8th Ave)
Tuesday, September 19th
8:00 PM
$5 cover + $10 food/drink minimum

"Candle in the Wind" An Interpretive Dance: (Performed by Bill McCreary, Rob Schick, Kerry Fraser, Greg Kimmerly, Pierre Champoux and Paul Stewart.)

Goodbye Norma Jean, Though I never knew you at all-



You had the grace to hold yourself-



While those around you crawled.




They crawled out of the woodwork-




And they whispered into your brain




They set you on the treadmill-



And they made you change your name.



And it seems to me you lived your life-



Like a candle in the wind;



Never knowing who to cling to-



When the rain set in.



And I would have liked to have known you-



But I was just a kid.



Your candle burned out long before-



Your legend ever did.




I say, your candle burned out long before-



Your legend ever di- i- i- i -id.






Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin
Available on the album Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
© 1973 Dick James Music Limited

Bruins Sign Wacey Rabbit.

You heard me.

Wacey Rabbit .

Whoops-

My bad.

Here's the real story.

Still.

Wow.

I guess I owe Hakan Loob an apology.

Still, I just did a player search, and there is nobody in the NHL with the last name of Cagney, so there goes my letter writing campaign begging the Bruins to complete the "Cagney and Wacey" line. Still, they should have no trouble motivating him, as while I'm not sure what the stick should be, I'm pretty sure about the carrot.

I can't wait until he scores three in a game, and we get to see the articles about pulling a hat out of a Rabbit.

Hockey starts in less than a month, but if you're jonesing to see what the Bruins are gonna look like there's always this .

There's a John Updike joke to be made somewhere here too, but I'll be damned if I know what it is.

This one isn't about hockey.

For those of you who are comedy fans, and live in New York City, I'll be hosting a live, stand-up comedy show next week that I shit you not, will be really, really good.

This is a killer lineup, and will be a lot of fun.

Here's the details:

WARNING SHOT COMEDY
Dillon's
245 W 54th St
(Bway & 8th Ave)
Tuesday, September 19th
8:00 PM
$5 cover + $10 food/drink minimum

Hosted by Ritch Duncan (Writer: Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, Jest Magazine, American Hockey Fan)
Musical Director: Steve Rosenthal

Featuring:

Christian Finnegan : (Best Week Ever, Chappelle's Show, Comedy Central Presents)
Liam McEneaney: (Premium Blend, Best Week Ever)
Dan Cronin: (Conan O'Brien)
Ophira Eisenberg: (VH1, Premium Blend)
Eric Kirchberger: (Premium Blend)
Amanda Melson (Stand Up Nation with Greg Giraldo)

A reminder of why hockey is the best sport in the world.

So- how long did it take you to get over your excitement over the NFL's opening weekend?

It's five past noon here in New York City, I've watched the opening of both the NFL pregame shows on CBS and Fox, and I'm already bored.

CBS started out with a slick, well produced hype package detailing the offseason moves, including Adam Vinatieri putting on a Colts jersey and (surprise!) Terrell Owens making a funny face. Then they went to that insufferable panel that every sports broadcast feels the need to have in America these days. This one was special because James Brown was hosting, after moving from Fox. Anyway, the big reveal turned out to be that he has moved to CBS to do- wait for it- exactly the same thing he did on Fox!

Not impressed yet?

OK- hold on- this time, JB is chatting with a DIFFERENT panel of braying idiots! Oh, fellas- keep impressing us with your devastating combination of halfassed football analysis along with witty barbs about each other's clothing choices and foibles during your playing days!

So I flipped over to Fox, where things seemed more promising. I was treated to an animated montage, already in progress, of a giant robot in metal shoulder pads smashing through other giant robots and scoring a touchdown before transforming, METALLURG MAGNITOGORSK style, into the logo for Fox NFL Sunday. From there, there it screenwiped into a smooth steadycam shot panning tit-level across a line of about 20 Jacksonville Jaguar cheerleaders.

Now I'm on board.

After all, my affinity for both giant robots and tits is well documented, so I'm sticking with Fox for now.

So we cut to the new analyst, Joe Buck, who is a pretty good baseball guy, you know- if you swing that way, and guess what he's doing?

Chatting with his own panel of braying idiots!

Yes, it's Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long, and Jimmy Johnson, a lineup of entertainment heavyweights whose value can be summed up by the stellar resume highlights Failure to Launch , Firestorm and The Waterboy alone.

I mean, Christ.

I don't mind football, in fact, I'd consider myself a fan, especially when the playoffs roll around, but Jesus, is it that hard to find someone even mildly fucking clever to do the broadcasts?

Apparently, yes.

So instead, I popped in the DVD of the Homecoming episode of the Showtime series Masters of Horror, and was blown away by it. Opinionated, courageous, unflinching and fun, it's political propaganda the way it's supposed to be done- with a horde of angry zombies.

George Romero would be proud.

Plus I got it on Netflix, and Ultimate Gretzky is coming next.

I'm hoping that by "Ultimate," they mean "something other than "watching Wayne's 802nd goal for the motherfucking 802nd time."

Stay tuned for that.

As for me, I'm off to play some hockey.

It's a beautiful day.

After all of this Evgeni Mallkin nonsense-

-no one has seemed to mention perhaps the saddest part of this whole ridiculous story, mainly that he is stepping away from a Russian team with just about the bitchin-est name I've ever heard for a hockey team in my life.

I mean, what the hell is your problem when you no longer want to suit up for METALLURG MAGNITOGORSK?

What do you mean you don't want to play for METALLURG MAGNITOGORSK!?

If you're playing for Metallurg Magnitogorsk, you aren't just a hockey player, you're a legend, a monster, a 60 foot robot striding confidently through the smoldering wreckage of your enemies, crushing with your metal fists everything you didn't eliminate at long range with your fully automatic, shoulder-mounted hellfire missiles.

I just did some internet research, and check out this bio:

For millions of years, METALLURG MAGNITOGORSK has led fanatical legions of evil DECEPTICONS in a single-minded desire for the enslavement of the Universe. It's intellect, ego and talent for deception are second to none, and it rules with an iron-fisted combination of fear and force of personality. Driven by a nearly insane lust for power, METALLURG MAGNITOGORSK managed not only to survive the catastrophic implosion of UNICRON, but absorbed much of his power. Now, wearing salvaged pieces of the ancient destroyer's armor, the awesomely powerful METALLURG MAGNITOGORSK is determined to beat OPTIMUS PRIME and the AUTOBOTS to the lost Planet Keys.

Actually, that's Megatron , but you get my point- you're gonna leave all that to become a "Penguin?"

Somewhere, Ivan Drago is weeping.

Feel better, Dickie.

For those of you who don't know already, Dickie "Digger" Moore, Hockey Hall of Famer, six time Cup winner with the Montreal Canadiens and two time Art Ross trophy winner as the NHL's leading scorer, got roughed up pretty badly when his car was smashed into by a truck.

Apparently, Moore, who is 75 years old, suffered very serious back and neck injuries along with a few broken ribs on Sunday, damage which back in his playing days would have justified sitting out at least the second period, and maybe half the third, if the score wasn't close.

But in all seriousness, I'd like to wish Digger a speedy and safe recovery, and to be assured that he is in the thoughts of thousands of hockey fans.

That said, and my affection and concern for the well being of a seriously injured 75 year-old notwithstanding, it bears mentioning that this incident has done nothing to dilute my passionate hate for the Montreal Canadiens.

Christ, I hate those bastards.

In fact, this unfortunate episode seems to me to be a perfect opportunity for me to examine the depth of my hatred for the Canadiens, something I have never really looked into before. I mean, surely, I hate them, but HOW much?

It seems an odd question.

I mean, does one ever ask "how wet is the water?" or "how livegiving the sun?" Of course one doesn't. It seems foolish to question absolutes such as these- the water is simply wet, the sun is ingenuously lifegiving, and the Montreal Canadiens are black-livered bastards who wouldn't think twice about gutting their own mothers with a crepe knife.

I'll be honest with you.

Hockey's better with a little hate.

That said, there are certain incidents in which the rhetoric can be put aside.

Serious, life-threatening injuries, received either on or off the ice, are nothing that any real hockey fan should ever root for, even in his worst on-ice rival.

Non life-threatening injuries, on the other hand, injuries that a player can recover from without threatening his long term well being or livelihood are all good, no matter how painful they may be in the short term.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, not only do I wish that Dickie Moore has a speedy recovery and a long life, but also that Mike Ribero misses a week of training camp after getting a testicle caught in a set of impact tested accordion shutters.

That's not incompatible, right?

Hey all- sorry for the long absence.

It's been a crazy week, I flew to Florida and back, had a bunch of freelance assignments, and I guess I just figured that the number one priority in my life during the last week of August was not hockey, or a hockey related blog.

Fucked up, I know.

So, did I miss anything exciting?

Did Evgeni Malkin wake up, stretch his legs and maybe decide to play a little golf?!

For Christ's sake people, keep me involved on every little thing about this kid!

I predict he'll have a crappy year. NHL rookies are a hit or miss bunch under normal circumstances, and with rare exceptions (Sid the Kid) huge media pressure and fan expectations does exactly nothing to make them excel.

Plus, I hate the goddamn Penguins, and enjoy rooting for the misery of their fans. Don't get me wrong, I don't want the team to move, that's too much misery. The best case scenario in my mind is that they stay in Pittsburgh and continue to suck, in humiliating fashion.

By the way, if you only read hockey news, you might not be aware that the Penguins aren't the only big operation threatening to move out of Pittsburgh. Apparently, this guy Nelson Peltz, a billionaire investor with a reputation for costcutting (read: gutting) companies has had his sites set on Pittsburgh's Heinz company for quite a while now. From what I've read, if members of his group gain a majority on the board, they claim they won't move the company, but no one buys it. The vote was this week, and they've been stalling the announcement, saying it could take weeks to count all the votes properly.

To quote Nick Braden from Slap Shot:

"When they close the mill, the Chiefs'll fold...These people are gonna be broke. They're not gonna be going to hockey games."

We'll see.

On a brighter note, huge congrats to my pals Chris Regan and Eric Drysdale , who did their best 1980's New York Islanders impression with their fourth emmy win in a row last Sunday for their excellent work as writers on the Daily Show. Drysdale's site, by the way, is where I found the link to the Rick Moranis album from the last post, and is a funny, funny dude, currently working over at the Colbert Report. If you're bored at work, I highly reccomend his "items of some interest," along the right margin, if for no other reason, the sublime Seven Doug Hennings in a Station Wagon.

Happy August, everybody.