So- how long did it take you to get over your excitement over the NFL's opening weekend?
It's five past noon here in New York City, I've watched the opening of both the NFL pregame shows on CBS and Fox, and I'm already bored.
CBS started out with a slick, well produced hype package detailing the offseason moves, including Adam Vinatieri putting on a Colts jersey and (surprise!) Terrell Owens making a funny face. Then they went to that insufferable panel that every sports broadcast feels the need to have in America these days. This one was special because James Brown was hosting, after moving from Fox. Anyway, the big reveal turned out to be that he has moved to CBS to do- wait for it- exactly the same thing he did on Fox!
Not impressed yet?
OK- hold on- this time, JB is chatting with a DIFFERENT panel of braying idiots! Oh, fellas- keep impressing us with your devastating combination of halfassed football analysis along with witty barbs about each other's clothing choices and foibles during your playing days!
So I flipped over to Fox, where things seemed more promising. I was treated to an animated montage, already in progress, of a giant robot in metal shoulder pads smashing through other giant robots and scoring a touchdown before transforming, METALLURG MAGNITOGORSK style, into the logo for Fox NFL Sunday. From there, there it screenwiped into a smooth steadycam shot panning tit-level across a line of about 20 Jacksonville Jaguar cheerleaders.
Now I'm on board.
After all, my affinity for both giant robots and tits is well documented, so I'm sticking with Fox for now.
So we cut to the new analyst, Joe Buck, who is a pretty good baseball guy, you know- if you swing that way, and guess what he's doing?
Chatting with his own panel of braying idiots!
Yes, it's Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long, and Jimmy Johnson, a lineup of entertainment heavyweights whose value can be summed up by the stellar resume highlights Failure to Launch , Firestorm and The Waterboy alone.
I mean, Christ.
I don't mind football, in fact, I'd consider myself a fan, especially when the playoffs roll around, but Jesus, is it that hard to find someone even mildly fucking clever to do the broadcasts?
So instead, I popped in the DVD of the Homecoming episode of the Showtime series Masters of Horror, and was blown away by it. Opinionated, courageous, unflinching and fun, it's political propaganda the way it's supposed to be done- with a horde of angry zombies.
George Romero would be proud.
Plus I got it on Netflix, and Ultimate Gretzky is coming next.
I'm hoping that by "Ultimate," they mean "something other than "watching Wayne's 802nd goal for the motherfucking 802nd time."
Stay tuned for that.
As for me, I'm off to play some hockey.
It's a beautiful day.