Wednesday, November 15, 2006


OK- based on how the Boston Bruins have performed this year, it's safe to say that my expectations for tonight's game against the Wasington Capitals are low.

However, today, on my run through the hockey blogs, I found myself over on the blog of Ted Leonsis , billionaire AOL executive and owner of the Washington Capitals. He's been linked over there on the sidebar as a prominent douchebag for quite a while.

Oh, and I know that he has a good relationship with hockey blogs, and has been one of the frontrunners of advancing expanded access of bloggers as journalists, but despite that, believe me when I tell you that this guy is a douche. Yes, he's opening doors for bloggers, but think about where he's coming from:

a) He works for an internet company, which means expanding the scope of the internet helps his business.

b)He owns the Washington Capitals, who have sucked so hard in recent years that if I owned them, I'd be reaching out to dudes who flyer windshields, for fuck's sake.

I mean, it's great that he's using blogs, but what are his other options?

The Washington Post?

But still, in case you're even a little bit on the fence about what a MAMMOTH douchebag this guy is, and the large cartoon version of his own head that adorns his blog (Ted's Take!) isn't enough for you, the creme de la creme of utter pomposity combined with sheer douchebaggery, has got to go to Ted's 101 list.

If you didn't click that link (and you should) this is a list of "Life Goals" that Ted has published on his blog, so all the little people can see all the great accomplishments of all things Ted. It's not hidden on the blog either, it's advertised prominently on the sidebar, with a flashy "check-box" graphic.

Let's get into this a little:

It starts off OK, with nice, normal things:

1 Fall in love and get married (check)
2 Have a healthy son (check)
3 Have a healthy daughter (check)

Great, right?

Well then it starts to get a little weird:

13 Net worth of ten million dollars, after taxes (check)
14 Net worth of one hundred million dollars, after taxes (check)
15 Net worth of one billion dollars, after taxes (Not checked yet?!)

Awww, C'mon, Ted, you can do it!

Let's all root for TED and his billion dollars AFTER taxes! Hooray for Ted, and his ability to achieve his goals!

And this goes on, and on and on.

23 Own a beach home that stays in family (check)
24 Own a jet (check)
25 Own a yacht (check)
26 Own a convertible Porsche or Mercedes Benz (check)
27 Own a mountain home that stays in the family (Not checked yet!? C'mon Ted!)
28 Own a great piece of art (check)
29 Own a great personal collection of watches (check)
30 Own a Ferrari (check)
31 Restore an antique auto (check)
32 Own a restaurant or club (check)
33 Support someone who makes a great breakthrough in science or art (Not checked)

How can this be? Ted is so refined and sophisticated! Surely this will be checked in a matter of time. Perhaps the cure for AIDS? Maybe a revolutionary breakthrough with stem cell research? I know- the common cold. Or could it be art? You can do it, Ted. We're all rooting for you. Of course, if you wanted to do something artistic, you might want to start with a hockey arena that doesn't look like a generic box, but Oh-wait- I forgot- sports owners don't finance arenas, taxpayers do.

My bad.

Either way, I digress.

Jesus, that guy sucks.

But as I was reading over Ted's blog, I stumbled across this little gem of information:

On Wednesday, Gary Bettman, the NHL Commissioner, will be coming to DC, where he and I will do some press work together and then attend the Caps vs Bruins game. It would be nice if our fans came out and showed their support for the Capitals in front of the Commissioner. :-)

you like the way he phrased that?

"Attend" the game- let no one ever accuse Bettman of actually WATCHING a hockey game. But still- Ted Leonsis and Gary Bettman- working together on "press."

I can see it now...


We need to publicize the league- any ideas?


How about a large series of Easter Island statues of my head?

Hmmm- can we make it LESS about hockey? I mean you're a hockey team owner, and people might actually make that connection and perceive it as being helpful to the game. Also, we're phasing out fighting entirely, and I don't like the "cementhead" thing. Maybe we can get OLN to change their name again?


Great idea! How about T.E.D.?


I like it!

And- Scene.

Either way, if I've ever wanted the Bruins to succeed, and I have, I want them to succeed tremendously tonight, if only to embarrass the crap out of Ted in front of Bettman.

C'mon, B's- I know there ain't a lot to play for when you're in the basement like this, but how about a 6-2 rout with a good old fashioned donnybrook at the end?

How about pulling one out for all of us who don't brag about owning "a great personal collection of watches?"

I mean, is there anything LESS hockey that that?

Do it up, boys.

Do it up.


Anonymous said...

From ted's 101

41 Win a world championship

It certainly doesn't look like Ted's trying to accomplish #41 very hard.

I suggest he try #90

90 Swim with Great White sharks

Ben said...

#102 - Facilitate the introduction of a mixture of vinegar and water into the body for medical or hygienic reasons.


Anonymous said...

What strikes me is that it's so pedestrian. It's all about how much money he makes and what he owns. The things that are left are so plainly doable - play St. Andrews, attend World Cup of Soccer - that I could do them on 1/1000000000th of his annual income. Except fly into space, that is. Once he checks them all off, does he make a new list or gas himself?

Anonymous said...

Not only are they all pedestrian goals, but anyone who makes "falling in love" a life goal makes me nervous. I've known FAR too many people who forced things because they thought time was running out and settled on someone acceptable. Result-a miserable time of it.