Sunday, April 30, 2006


Well. the first casualities have hit the bricks, (or the links, as it were) as both the Tampa Bay Lighting and the New York Rangers made hasty exits from the postseason in a whirlwind total of nine games. Notable among the eliminated:

-Jaromir Jagr and Sean Burke:
OK- you know how everybody kind of thinks that Sean Burke stinks? Even though every two years or so he’ll play really great for a stretch? Guess what? Jagr is the same way. Why can’t we see clearly on this! Jaromir Jagr is a brilliant one-on-one player who will not help your team win in the playoffs on his own. He’s got the two cup rings from the Mario years, an Olympic Gold medal he won with Hasek in his prime, a pantry full of KitKat bars, and a vagina full of sand. And don’t tell me he was “playing injured.” We’re talking about a guy who only got injured when he tried to bitch-slap someone and failed. I mean, I hate A-Rod as much as the next good Boston fan, but at least when he slapped the baseball out of that guy’s glove in the ALCS a couple years back he didn’t dislocate a shoulder doing it. Talk to a Penguins fan. They’ll tell you. Jaromir Jagr doesn’t deserve to hold a warm glass of Willis Reed’s piss. And I’m a hockey fan so I don’t even really know who Willis Reed is. I guess he effectively played hurt once or something, which is more than I can say for Jagr. So far, no NHL team that has relied on #68 as their primary offensive talent has ever still been excited in mid-may.

-Marty St. Louis:
A great, great player that I’m sorry that I won’t be able to watch for the rest of the playoffs. I’ll just have to console myself with the knowledge that Daniel Briere is the Marty St. Louis of 2006.
You heard it here first.

-The fans of the New York Rangers:
All class. As the Rangers wrapped up their embarrassing performance on home ice after limping into the playoffs and being swept by a regional rival, the hometown Ranger fans STOOD AND APPLAUDED THEIR TEAM. The Rangers have been an embarrassing mess for far too long, and this year their team turned it around and made the playoffs, giving a great fanbase something to cheer for the first time in the new millennium. The fans had plenty to boo this team for given the play over the last month, but they didn’t. They rose as one and thanked the team for the year. Good for them.

Oh, and in case you guys don’t read the comments section- here are two gems from Ben Z, who posted the following, disputing my assertion that Bob Gainey resembled Monk:

He so does NOT look like Monk...though I concede that he may still lead the league in it.
However, there is still only one undisputed leader in looking like Dan Aykroyd.

But why stop there? Check out this one.

Friday, April 28, 2006

A compelling reason to root for the Carolina Hurricanes and a compelling reason not to.

A Compelling Reason to Root for the Hurricanes:

Back in the spring of 2001, Ray Bourque, former longtime captain of the Boston Bruins was in his second campaign with the Colorado Avalanche, making what would almost certainly be his final run at a Stanley Cup championship after an amazing 20+ year career. He had led to the Bruins to the finals twice, in 1988 and 1990 but ran into the Edmonton Oilers both times, who were wrapping up their dynasty as the decade came to a close.

But this time it was Bourque's year, and his quest was embraced not only by fans in Colorado, but also in Boston and Bourque's native Quebec, where the Nordiques (the team that would move to Colorado and become the Avalanche) had once played. When he finally raised the cup, three cities, and all true fans of the game cheered Ray Bourque.

Which brings me to the story of the Carolina Hurricanes, who back in Bourque’s Bruin glory days were known as the “forever .500” Hartford Whalers. Back in those days, they were well known for being better than, well- pretty much only the Quebec Nordiques, who skipped town in 1995 to become the Avalanche, an idea that nobody found stupid because they immediately won the Stanley Cup. The Whale, figuring there was success to be found in a new city with a team named after a natural disaster, followed suit two years later and the Carolina Hurricanes were born.

Back to the present.

The ‘Canes are currently trailing the Montreal Canadiens 2 games to 1 in the first round of the playoffs. The story of the series so far has been the serious eye injury to Saku Koivu, and the dramatic return I am predicting he will make for game 5 if the series is tied tonight, which I also predict it will be.

But does anyone outside of Raleigh care about the Hurricanes?

I know, Eric Staal is fun to watch, they're fast and stuff, and they won a lot of games- but the only people who are really excited about that are 'Canes fans, which I suppose they have every right to be.

All eight of them.

Well, I'll tell you who ELSE should be excited about this team.

Every single fan of Ray Bourque's efforts on his runs to the cup finals with Boston, and every single heartbroken Hartford Whalers fan that saw their favorite, forever-.500's pack up their things and move down to North Carolina after the 1997 season should be full throated Cane-iacs right now.


There is only one active player left in the NHL who went to the Stanley Cup finals with Ray Bourque in both 1988 and 1990.

There is also only one active player left on the roster of the Carolina Hurricanes who was a member of the Whalers when they moved to out of Hartford.

That player is Glen Wesley.

So far, he's an unimpressive minus two, with two penalty minutes and three shots on goal. But he's never won a cup, these Hurricanes are a damn good squad, and he knows that this could be his last shot. I'll tell you one thing, he's definately going to be leaving it all out on the ice.

So if you ever rooted for the great Bruin teams that featured Ray Bourque, Cam Neely, Andy Moog and Reggie Lemelin; or if you ever wept for your Hartford Whalers on the day they moved away, Glen Wesley is YOUR last shot as well.

Go Glen, go Bruins, go Whalers, and go Hurricanes.

Oh wait- I almost forgot.

A Compelling Reason Not To Root for the Hurricanes:

Stormy the Ice Hog.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Long day today.

I watched playoff hockey in the bar Wednesday night, and worked all day today, both the video store and the teaching gig.

It's 11:20 right now, and I just got home.

I promise I'll have a longer post tomorrow, but for now, you'll have to be content with my observation that Montreal GM Bob Gainey not only won 5 Stanley Cups, The Conn Smythe Trophy, and has distinguished himself as a player, coach and General Manger; he also currently leads the National Hockey League in resembling Monk.


That motherfucker looks like Monk.

That's all I got.

It's been a long day.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

More game threes-

Tonight we have:

Montreal-Carolina (Montreal leads 2-0)
New Jersey- New York (New York leads 2-0)
Buffalo at Philadelphia (Buffalo leads 2-0)
Dallas at Colorado (Colorado leads 2-0)

That said, here's what the NHL's crack television package has to offer us here in Manhattan:

(Thanks to for the listings)

Channel 31 (MSG):

Stanley Cup Playoff
Game 3: Devils at Rangers (Sports, Hockey, Playoffs, Pro)
Wed. April 26 @ 7:00 PM (3:00hr.)

Channel 32( FSNY-1):

Stanley Cup Playoff
Game 3: Devils at Rangers (Sports, Hockey, Playoffs, Pro)
Wed. April 26 @ 7:00 PM (2:30hr.)

Channel 177 (OLN):

Stanley Cup Playoff
Game 3: Devils at Rangers (Sports, Hockey, Playoffs, Pro)
Wed. April 26 @ 7:00 PM (2:30hr.)

Fuck me.

Here's some other suggestions:

Channel 63 (FOODTV)
Good Eats
Wed. April 26 @ 7:00 PM (0:30hr.)
TV show, Cooking, Food, How-To, Made For Cable

'Circle of Life' (episode #EA1H04)
Alton Brown prepares homemade doughnuts. (TV show, Cooking, Food, How-To, Made For Cable)

I know this is a tough one.
At this time last year, I would have slowly driven a thumbtack into my left testicle just to watch one period of playoff hockey, but with the way this Rangers-Devs series is going, I might actually rather watch doughnuts cooking.



OK, maybe not.

What else is on?

Channel 150 (NGN-E):

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Wed. April 26 @ 7:00 PM (0:30hr.)
TV show, Comedy, Family, Sitcom

'Winner Takes Off' (episode #63)
When Will and Carlton play a prank on Geoffrey, he quits his job thinking he's won the lottery.
Will: Will Smith. Carlton: Alfonso Ribeiro. Philippe: Jack Heller. (TV show, Comedy, Family, Sitcom)

OK- Now I'm actually kind of excited.
I didn't really watch the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air that much, but I'm pretty sure that Geoffrey is the butler, right? So if I'm reading this correctly, two over-privileged rich kids are tricking the help into thinking that he doesn't have to live a life of subservience- but then- wait for it- it turns out that he does!


I can't wait for episode #64. Lemme see if it's on tomorrow, and I can dig up a description: Oh- here we go:

Channel 150 (NGN-E):

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Thu. April 27 @ 7:00 PM (0:30hr.)
TV show, Comedy, Family, Sitcom

'You're Fired!' (episode #64)
Will and Carlton find a wise homeless man on their block, but offended by his odor, they break his knees with a pitching wedge. Amusing themselves at first by merely burning up hundred dollar bills in front of his face, they quickly decide "more than money will burn tonight." Geoffrey is NOT amused.
Will: Will Smith. Carlton: Alfonso Ribeiro. Ol' Mutton Chops: Dick Gregory (TV show, Comedy, Family, Sitcom)

Or maybe I'll just go to a bar and try to catch the Buffalo-Philly game on satellite.

Or not.

You know.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

I didn't watch the games last night.

OK- I watched the last 10 minutes and OT of the Stars-Avs game.

Good stuff.

I was doing standup comedy last night at the College of New Jersey (Near Trenton, I believe) and I got home late to find my beautiful girlfriend in the middle of watching Ocean's 12 on HBO.

Now even though I haven't seen it, I'm fully aware that Ocean's 12 sucked. I know this because in addition to my tremendously lucrative (read: not that lucrative) career doing comedy one-nighters at lower echelon institutions of higher learning across the United States, I still work one day a week at a video store, and I can smell a crappy sequel a mile away. You can always tell if a sequel to a good movie* is crap by what customers say about it, and here's what they said about Ocean's 12:


Yep, nothing.

When people say absolutely nothing about a sequel, there is generally a very good reason for that. Still, she was casually watching it while doing some tinkering on her computer and that movie is perfect for that. I figured she was happy, and there was no reason I needed to ask her to turn it off just so I could watch all of game two between the Stars and Avalanche. Plus, I've been doing nothing all week but watching playoff hockey, and incessantly yapping about it for about the last month, so I figured that I could relax and not make a big deal out of it. Especially since, you know- I'm gonna want to have a little bit of good will in the bank when the games start getting decisive. As it turned out, she went to bed when the movie was over and I got to watch the OT, which is always awesome.

Which brings me to my point. As hockey fans, we're just now entering that stretch of playoffs where we've seen all the teams, gotten a feel for what the series are going to be like, and are starting to figure out who's gonna roll over (My guess: The Rangers) and who's gonna make a series out of it (I say the 'Canes). Either way, if you're team isn't directly involved, it's kind of boring.

I'm speaking of course, of game three syndrome.

Game three is always the most useless game of any series- if a series is tied 1-1, well- who cares what happens in game three? The winners still have to win two more, and the losers have a chance to tie it up the next night. If a team is up 2-0, again, who cares? Watching a team get a 3-0 lead pretty much means it's over, and if the team with it's back against the wall manages a win, well- OK, I'll tune back in if they force a game 6.

Games one and two are fun just to see the teams get to know each other, and Game 4 is fun because when it's over, either one team will be facing elimination or both teams will be tied with the possibility of a game seven looming.

But game 3?

Fuck it, who cares.

I guess what I'm saying to you loyal American hockey fans is that the game 3's are starting, and if your prospective spouses are not huge hockey fans, give them control of the remote NOW, and let the pendulum swing their way for day or so.

Cause if you don't, and you're a selfish prick about watching game 3 tonight, you just may find that in a few days, your loved one will be sick and tired of watching nothing but hockey. Then, God forbid, on the night of a game seven of a Stanley Cup playoff, the most exciting event in sports, your stupid ass will be sitting on the couch watching Jerry Rice in a pirate shirt doing some kind of fucking step-ball change with a Russian immigrant.

I'm fairly sure you don't want that to happen.

Game 3's start tonight.

Choose wisely.

*Oh c'mon, Ocean's 11 was fun.

Monday, April 24, 2006

It occurs to me,

That I haven't really discussed the Montreal Canadiens on this blog, so maybe today's the day.

I hate the Montreal Canadiens.

It's not that I have anything against the city or people of Montreal, or any of the players, coaches or staff that are on the Canadiens, It's just that I was born and raised in the Boston area, and was raised right. You grow up a Boston sports fan, you hate the Yankees, Canadiens, and Lakers, and that's that. I don't even like basketball, and I hate the Lakers.

Is it irrational?


Fuck it, I hate the Canadiens, and if I see someone rooting for the Canadiens, they immediately have a strike against them. That's not to say that I can't hang out with them or even become their friend, but I gotta tell you, when I hear that they root for the Habs, it's sort of like hearing someone make a casual racial slur. I mean- they might redeem themselves later, but right off the bat- I hear you say that, and boom- you're a dick.

Come to think of it, you know how I said that I didn't have anything against anyone who's on the Canadiens?

Scratch that.

Alexei Kovalev is a whiny bitch.

I hate that guy.

At any rate, I made a big deal about not making any predictions as to who would win the cup, because honestly, it's a fool's game. Every single blogger, columnist or broadcaster that covers hockey is expected to make predictions, and they always just end up picking one of the teams that won the most games. That way they can cover their ass when they are wrong. I've heard people picking the Wings, Stars, Senators and Hurricanes, all cause they won a lot of games, but absolutely NO ONE has picked Montreal to win the Stanley Cup this year, which is why I just did it.

You heard me.

The Montreal Canadiens will win the Stanley Cup this year, and nobody is more sick about it than I am.

Here's why:

The Canes are a young team without a steady goaltender and Montreal seems to have a magical ability to win the Stanley Cup at least once a decade. And it's been 12 years.

Just sayin.'

Ghosts are out there, and this Huet kid seems to be for real. Also, Saku Koivu?

You think he can't beat the Carolina Hurricanes?
You know what this motherfucker beat?


He beat CANCER!

Don't count the Habs out.

Just don't expect me to be happy about it.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

The Stanley Cup-

-Was on Tim Russert's desk this morning at the end of Meet the Press.

He finished his interview, unfurled a Sabres jersey and said that the cup was coming back to Buffalo. While on the one hand it was nice to see the Stanley Cup somewhere other than on top of a fucking waterfall or inches from the maw of a bellowing grizzly bear, I have to admit, it was a little jarring to think of Tim Russert as a fan of Buffalo sports teams. This may be because I've never seen him standing drunk and shirtless in the back of a pickup truck screaming the word 'faggot' at an 8 year old in a Tom Brady jersey.

You know how Philly has a reputation for being the new sad sacks of sports teams, with the Sixers, Flyers and Eagles always coming close but never winning it all? Those fans are afraid of Buffalo fans- those motherfuckers are NASTY. You think the Eagles had it hard? Tell it to Marv Levy. You think the Flyers have had bad luck? Did Brett Hull kick the puck into their net to win the cup? It happened to Buffalo. Sports fans in Buffalo are like pre-2004 Boston Red Sox fans without the benefit of literacy. Honestly- the only other way to create a character as foul-minded as a Buffalo sports fan would be to raise up Andrew Dice Clay in a Dickens novel.

And I hate to say it, but this might be their year.

Game one of the Sabres and Flyers last night was absolutely EVERYTHING that playoff hockey should be, great goals, HUGE saves, thrilling overtime, and if anyone still thinks that Bettman's warnings to the officials are taking the bang out of playoff hockey, tell it to R.J. Umberger's mother. I bet she's a sweet lady, but she had a hard night last night after her big strong son got his bell rung so loudly that half the Buffalo fans got out of their seats thinking lunchtime was over and it was time to head back to work.

As an American Hockey Fan, I'm rooting for this one to go seven, with overtime all the way- if I had to make a call, I'd say Sabres in 6.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Late night.

So- do you ever have one of those nights?

You know, the ones where instead of writing insightful hockey commentary you just end up getting drunk and taking digital photos of the cat?

I guess what I'm saying is you're all lucky I can't find that cable that lets me upload photos from the camera.

What I can do is show you this:

I mean, holy crap.

The really great thing about YouTube is that when you got nothing, you can direct attention to something far more entertaining than your blog.

In terms of tonight's action, (That I could watch, anyway- I only have OLN) both teams that were expected to win (Wings, Flames) did, and both underdogs lost in overtime. Also, both the Ducks and the Oilers had some lucky bounces to even get there, so I can't say I feel good about their chances.

I love the heart of the Oilers, and Shawn Horcoff might be the most underrated player in the NHL right now, but they're gonna get beat up in a long series. I mean, really- Michael Peca takes the net off it's moorings with his fucking throat and they still lose?

That's a lot to overcome.

Roloson has NOTHING to be ashamed of either. What a game, especially when he played a little possum there to give his team a breather.

In terms of the Ducks, I'm sorry if you like them, but I still just can't find any room in my heart to root for a team named after a fucking Emilio Estevez movie.

And the thing that kills me about that is even if you were going to name an NHL franchise after an Emilio Estevez movie (WHICH YOU SHOULDN'T), there are so many other Emilio Estevez movies that would make better team names.

I guess what I'm saying is I wouldn't have any objections to rooting for the Anaheim Repo Men.

Or, say- the Vancouver Men at Work.

Dallas Young Guns?

Fuck it.

It's quarter to 2:00 and I have to work in the morning.

Let's go get sushi and not pay.

Friday, April 21, 2006

OK- So Bettman's "cracking down."

Apparently, Gary Bettman said today that any official that "puts away his whistle" during the playoffs tonight will be sent home for the rest of the playoffs.

While fans of "letting the boys play" (like myself) might be temped to criticize the fine commissioner for these statements, I won't. In order for their to be any integrity in the league, you have to call the playoffs the way you call the regular season, at least on paper, and if his statements represent anything, it's at least a little extra press for the league. I mean, if it wasn't a PR move, why didn't he just pick up the phone? I'm pretty sure he's got the phone numbers of the officials. Honestly, it's only the player reps that he won't talk to. So he got a little PR, fine. What else was he supposed to do? Put a bounty on the head of Tim McCracken?

He's doing what he can.

Still, while I won't criticize Bettman for that, there are a few things that I will criticize him for, mainly almost completely ruining hockey, and having buttery little man tits.

Seriously, he looks like Michael Brown in a training bra.

OK, I admit it.

I'm an adult, and it's a little immature to make fun of a grown man's man-mams, but you know what's also immature? Deciding that when you don't get your way that you're taking your ball and going home, which I'm still pissed at Bettman about.

But not to worry, if there is one thing that hockey fans have gotten really, really good at over the past 22 months, it's looking at awesome old videotape. If you tune into the Wings/Oilers tonight and feel like they're just running a dance floor out there, watch this little gem between periods:

It'll buck you right up.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Stanley Cup playoffs start tomorrow


Let’s just allow that to sink in.

After the longest, coldest winter in the history of hockey, the playoffs are finally, finally going to start.

Yesterday, I got a comment that asked me what my predictions were for the playoffs. Well, I have my opinions on who might win, who might lose and which teams in my view are most likely to pull off upsets, but you can get that shit anywhere on the on the internet, it takes forever to read, and those predictions are ALWAYS wrong.

The only prediction I can give you that’s really worth spit is this:

I predict that at 7:00 PM Eastern Standard Time, I’m going to be sitting on my couch, cracking open a motherfucking beer and watching the first playoff hockey I’ve seen since John Kerry had a shot at the Presidency.

It's been far, far too long.

Tomorrow, everyone wins.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006


How about those Devils?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what a game last night, what a stretch of wins, what a story.

I'd love to say that I called it on Ken Daneyko night (when they KILLED the Bruins) and that I've been saying all along you can't count out the Devils, but- hey, wait a minute! I just started this blog a few days ago, so there's no way you could know that I haven't been. Screw it.


Ever since Ken Daneyko night, the Devils have been playing like a team possessed by, well- the Devil. Let's not forget, the Devils have the best playoff goaltender of the past 10 years and (maybe the history) of the NHL, and every other team in the East has a goaltender that five years ago, probably owned all his own equipment.

Which is something. I mean, that stuff is expensive, and there's a lot of it to buy.

The only thing that's a shame about the whole thing is that I live in New York, and it would have been nice to have 2 complete first round series televised plus the OLN and NBC coverage. The way it stands, the national game will be Jersey and the Rangers every time they can manage it, and I'll get to see the same game on three channels.


Still, it's my own fault, as I didn't get the hockey package this year. I held off in the first half cause the new rules insured that every game had roughly 40 seconds of five on five hockey. I figured I'd wait for the second half of the season when I could get a price break and the officials settled down. Of course, I'm a die-hard Bruins fan, and by January, the idea of watching that meltdown up close was too unpleasant to contemplate. I mean, that's an underrated trauma, and one that I'll perhaps address in the future, the idea that after the lockout, some fans were so happy to have their game back at all that they hadn't at all prepared themselves for the contingency that their favorite team might suck.

By the way, you know what that phenomenon is called?

It’s called Bruins.

I’d say it probably sucks for fans of pretty much every team that didn’t make the playoffs, but in particular, I’d say fans of the Canucks, Bruins and Penguins fell the hardest this year. Who am I forgetting? I’ll leave the Saint Louis Blues out of it for now, as Scott Burnside wrote a great series of articles on them on, and if I tried it, I’d be far too tempted to just write fat jokes about Keith Tkachuk the whole time.

OK- I’ll do one: Hey- did you hear that the new NHL rules actually gave Keith Tkachuk a penalty during a warm-up skate? Yeah, he got 2 minutes for “Too much man on the ice.”

Sorry about that.

The point is, I didn’t get the package this year, so the first round is gonna be all about Rangers Devils for me. Still, for all I bitch about hockey coverage on TV, New York is a damn good place for hockey, as having local coverage of Devils, Rangers and Isles plus the national games is a pretty good East Coast hockey package without having to pay a dime. And you wonder why the New York media doesn't watch the West Coast games.

Either way, the Devils are now highly favored against the slumping Rangers, but I say don’t count the Rangers out. Lundqvist may be young, but he’s a gold medal winner and in my opinion, the real deal. Also, the fact that for some bizarre fucking reason, the Rangers have always been more popular than the Devils in this town, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see The Meadowlands filled up with Ranger fans. Ultimately though, if I run through the roster, just off the top of my head, the Rangers have Jagr, Straka, Nylander and I dunno, Petr Prucha? The Devils have Madden, Elias, Brodeur, Langenbrunner and Gionta. That’s fucking scary, especially in April and May, and even more so if they’re playing well, and- they are playing out of their heads right now.

Lundquist will steal a game or two for them, and Jagr will do his best, but mark my words- he’ll get anywhere from 7-10 points in the series yet end up (at least) minus 2. Plus, I fucking love the fact that the New Jersey Devils managed to adapt and excel under a system of new rules that were pretty much DESIGNED TO STOP THE NEW JERSEY DEVILS. And it didn’t work. Any American Hockey Fan should be proud as hell of the New Jersey Devils, and if you’re the kind of person who bitches about how the trap was “so boring,” I’ll tell you this- you’d fucking LOVE it if your team was as good as them.

If I had just three words to say about the Devils, it’d be these: God Bless Them.


Tuesday, April 18, 2006

It could be I owe OLN an apology.

In my last post, I referred to OLN as a station that was most famous for bike riding, Survivor re-runs, and a reality show starring Ted Nugent.

After watching their doubleheader last night (Detroit/Dallas and Sharks/Kings) I feel I may have misjudged them. OLN has a lot more to offer and by a lot, I mean Bull Riding.

Oh yes.

Most sports are fun to watch cause you get a chance to see professionals doing something you can do yourself, like shooting a hockey puck or throwing a football, just WAY better than you can. Incidentally, this explains some of the appeal of cooking shows and pornography, but that's a different blog altogether.

PBR, (Professional Bull Riding) is fucking extraordinary, mainly because it's a sport that literally NO ONE can do, even the professionals.


These fucking guys just keep on climbing on top of bulls and getting thrown off in a matter of seconds. The guys who are really, really good are the ones who take LONGER to fail at it, and by longer I mean, well- 8 seconds.

But they keep on trying.

It's kind of inspirational in a totally ridiculous way, mainly because it's the only sport I can think of where you are actually encouraged to do the impossible. Yes, hockey is hard. It's a sport of large, dangerous men travelling very fast in a space that's too small for them. Hitting, scoring, shotblocking, goaltending and defense aside, it's also really fucking slippery out there, and most people can't even stand up on ice skates, much less concentrate on a piece of rubber smaller than their fist travelling 90-plus miles an hour.

But still, if you want to be a professional hockey player, you better start when you're 2 years old, and play almost every single day of your life.

Wanna be a professional bullrider?

Grow a pair of balls cowboy, and fill out the fucking form .


Anybody who thinks that hockey fighting is brutal oughta thank their lucky stars that we don't send Tie Domi out to center ice between periods, tighten a leather flankstrap around his nutsack and see how long it takes him to pitch a midget off his shoulders.

Come to think of it, I'd pay good money to see that, provided the midget was willing and well compensated.

Honestly, though- OLN did a pretty good job last night in a pair of meaningless games- great comeback by the Wings in the third period, and it was fun watching Jumbo Joe in San Jose, even if they did keep him off the board. Also, Pierre Maguire continues to prove himself as one of the best commentators in the game. I just googled the guy and couldn't find a regular column for him, which is a damn shame. Good thing the NHL gave Elisha Cuthbert a hockey blog. I tried to do a direct link, and the NHL site won't let me, but it's there, I swear to you. Go to blogs, and scroll down to see the "celebrity bloggers."

You know why baseball is America's pastime? In part, because Major League Baseball hires good writers with an exceptional knowlege of the game. You know why hockey isn't? Because the NHL is handing out columns to people whose sole credentials appear to be playing bass for Godsmack or having sexual intercourse with Sean Avery, two behaviors that in my humble opinion, should not be rewarded.

Tomorrow I'll talk playoffs, cause all we know so far is Sharks-Nashville and Detroit-Edmonton, and you'd have to be a jackass to pick either the Preds or Oilers. Argue with me if you want, but if either team wins it's an upset, so batting around the fact that the Preds are bettter with Vokoun bores me.

By this time tomorrow, we should know most of our matchups, so tune back in then, and if you know Sean Avery, have him drop me a line- I need all the help I can get.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Kickin' it off-

Greetings hockey fans, and by hockey fans, I mean my buddy Duben, my brother Alec, and possibly the guys in my fantasy hockey league. Still- the greatest endeavors often come from humble beginnings, and if you're a fan of the game of hockey- well, times are humble as a motherfucker right now. I'll keep it brief, but the incontrovertible facts of the situation are these:

Hockey, already at one of its lowest points in it's history, made national headlines for:

a) An incident in which a dirty hit from behind resulted in a player with a broken neck.

b) Losing an entire season to a labor dispute, which was sad because no other sport has ever done this, but sadder because so few American sports fans missed it.

c) Having it's contract dropped by ESPN and ABC.

d) Being picked up nationally on a basic cable channel best known for Bicycle racing, "Survivor" re-runs and a reality show starring Ted Nugent.

e) A gambling scandal, notable only for it's timing, as coverage of the scandal overshadowed the Winter Olympics, a spectacle that second to the Stanley Cup finals (which they cancelled), could have stood as one of the finest showcases of the sport.

It is my passionate belief that the decline in the popularity of hockey has nothing to do with the product being put out on the ice, it is a direct result of staggeringly stupid business decisions, incompetent marketing, and a steady erosion of everything that makes hockey special and unique, all in the name of "bringing in new viewers."

I mean, for Christ's sake people, The National Hockey League, the sport of Gordie Howe, Wayne Gretzky, Bobby Orr, Mark Messier and Raymond Bourque is now less popular in this country than cars driving in circles.


If this keeps up- the only way we’ll keep this game on television is to start running commercials featuring rednecks rooting for the Zamboni.

I'm going to do my best to keep these posts relatively short, so I'll wrap this up with this thought.

There are educated American Hockey Fans out there, who are sick of being treated like the red haired step children of the major sports. This blog is for them.

Monday, April 10, 2006


Hey there- AHF here- pulling on the skates and taking a glide around the fresh sheet.

Bring me the Head of Ulfredo Garcia