Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Putting the John Kerry Incident in perspective:

OK- I don't really like to talk politics on this blog, but watch this- I can tie it into hockey.

At this point, anybody with a television knows about the "botched joke" incident that has kept John Kerry in the headlines for the past two days. I won't run you all the way around the merry-go-round again, but to briefly recap, there's been a lot of talk about whether Kerry:

a) even said what he said
b) meant to say what he said
c) should apologize for being misinterpreted
d) Should have not have called Rush Limbaugh "doughy"
and e) f), g), and h), whatever the fuck they all are.

Either way, with the political spin machines angled the way they are, it was a clear cut victory for Republicans over the past few days. I mean, think about it- with a week to go before a tremendously important election, and with nobody that can think of a single goddamn thing that Republicans don't suck at, they seemed to be up against a wall. All of a sudden, BOOM- they are reminded of one thing they're actually great at- making John Kerry look like an asshole.

Not like that's really difficult, and I wouldn't run on it, but the Republicans don't have a lot of cards to play, and on this hand, they ran the table with a pair of twos.

But lets bring it back to hockey.

John Kerry, if you will remember, is a hockey player. To really understand what went down here, it's time to go back to the classics, and yes, I'm talking about Slap Shot.

In this situation, George Bush and the Republican party are Reggie Dunlop and the Charlestown Chiefs, and John Kerry, sadly, is Hanrahan. Player-coach Reg Dunlop is an affable guy, bit of a black sheep, who everyone agrees would be fun to have a beer with. But when the mill closes, and the fans start losing their jobs, Dunlop decides it's time to play dirty. Knowing that Hanrahan had flown off the handle after hearing that his wife was having sex with women, Dunlop taunts him with it again during a game, and sure enough, it works. Hanrahan goes nuts, attacks Dunlop, and the Chiefs score. As Ned Braden said, "It was a bullshit goal- a bullshit win."

Afterwards, in the locker room, Morris, one of the finest characters in American cinema by the way, asks Dunlop what he said to him, and Dunlop told him, saying "he's a stupid ape, I knew it would piss the shit out of him!"

If there is one thing guaranteed to piss the shit out of John Kerry, and make him act like a stupid ape, it's to accuse him of not supporting the troops, something he never responded to well during the campaign. I'm sure it still burns his ass that Bush and Cheney, two guys who avoided combat, used the swiftboat issue to paint a decorated combat veteran as anti-military, and have it actually work. I guess what I'm saying is, if you're confused how Tony Snow has the balls to stand up and say that "he isn't sure that Kerry wasn't insulting the intelligence of the troops" it makes a lot more sense if you just imagine him skating up behind the right goalpost, stopping behind Kerry's ear and and yelling "Suzanne sucks pussy!"

Cause that's what's going on there.

Oh, and apologies to you Canadians who regularly visit this site. I know it might be lame for you to sit through this tirade on American politics, but I don't want to hear any shit about it until your politicians stop fucking Tie Domi.

I mean, Jesus.


Anonymous said...


Well how could he have been talking about Bush, because when they released his academic transcripts Kerry actually did worse at Yale than Bush did! Wouldn't make much sense to insult somebody for being stupid or uneducated when they did better than you at the same school, right?

Ritch said...

Jesus, dude- are you actually trying to spin this debate on a hockey blog?

Fucking republicans, man.

While I'm aware that you're a douche, and rising to the bait isn't advisable, I'll do it anyway ,cause I'm a hockey fan, and I don't mind an ill advised scrap from time to time.

First off, while it's true that Kerry and Bush had similar grades while at Yale, that information was not widely reported, as Kerry blocked the release of his grades until after the election, when nobody gave a fuck anymore.

The full story is here:

So to answer your asinine question, why would someone insult somebody for being stupid or uneducated when they did better at the same school?

Maybe because very few people knew that the two men had similar records at Yale, and Kerry figured that and in terms of making uneducated, uninformed and stupid decisions, Bush has been pretty high profile about it for going on 7 solid years now.

The fact that Kerry is exactly the kind of dick who would not only pluck low hanging fruit, but then fuck it up should come as a surprise to no one.

But this bullshit spin is exactly that- bullshit.


Anonymous said...


vh2k6 said...

I fully assumed there was going to be another 9/11 conspiracy post when there were already 3 comments in here.

Ben said...

You know, when you said Canadian politicians were fucking Tie Domi, I assumed that he was being made a scapegoat about violence in sports or that he got pinched in some kind of tax evasion thing, or some such.

But no.

You meant they were literally fucking Tie Domi.

O, Canada.

Rick said...

There's no way to spin an election where you lose control of at least one chamber of Congress.

Unless Bush can pull Osama out of his butt before Tuesday, the gavel is going to Pelosi, and the subpoenas will flow like cash into Tom DeLay's slush funds.

It's over. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with Republicans, but this current crop has gone too far, fucked up too much, and gone against their own principles (gay pedophilia, budget debt, etc) to survive.

Now, for a real controversial comment: the Rangers are the Bushies of hockey.

chanuck said...

Enjoyed the post. Found it interesting. I do agree with you ritch, this crop of Republicians are way too over the top.

Go Caps, Go Sens.