Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Devils GM Lou Lamoriello fires maid, citing "spotless house."

Tuesday, April 3, 2007


EAST RUTHERFORD -- When Lou Lamoriello walked into his servants quarters at noon Monday, none of his team of cooks and butlers could have guessed what the president and general manager of the Devils was about to tell them.

Lamoriello calmly announced that he had fired head maid Claudette Julien, blaming her for the "spotless" appearance of his home.

"Jaws dropped," butler Jeeves Brodeur said. "It was kind of 'Wow.' You start thinking, 'What did we do wrong?' "

When American Hockey Fan contacted Lamoriello, he was busy squeezing his pasty white thighs into a set of black mesh tights, and was observed holding a tight fitting black-and-white maid's outfit up against his body, in a display that this reporter found difficult to watch.

"Sure, the place is immaculate, but it's not good enough- Claudette HAD to go. Oh, and do you think this outfit will make my ass look fat?"

The more pertinent question might be, "What did Julien do wrong?"

The Lamoriello mansion is prominently featured on the first page of "Atlantic Home and Garden" magazine's "cleanest homes" issue and is number two on the list of cleanest homes in the East, behind the sparkling mansion of Buffalo Billionaire Tom Golisano.

"I don't think that my cleaning staff is at a point of being ready for the [level of] scrubbing that is going to be necessary going into the cleanoffs," Lamoriello said, adorably accentuating his point with a imported French feather duster.

The cleanoffs, of course, are the annual spring cleaning exercises that many wealthy homeowners throughout the United States and Canada go through each spring, although to be honest, it's been been quite a while since a Canadian homeowner has put in the the elbow grease to be the tidiest. It's odd that Lamoriello would take this much interest in cleaning, especially seeing as Boston homeowner Jeremy Jacobs has expressed confidence in his maid, despite the fact that she left his home in a state of fetid, repulsive, squalor, the second year in a row this has happened.

This isn't the first time that Lamoriello has taken the cleaning of his palatial mansion into his own hands, but it is odd that he did so when the house seemed to be so lemony-fresh. "I'm not saying that it's going to change, but there has to be a better focus going forward. And if at all possible, I'd like to find a Parisian Maid's outfit that accentuates my curves a bit better. Maybe something in a sheer, open-cup babydoll with matching apron and G-string."

The press conference was scheduled to continue for another 15 minutes, but this reporter left early when Lamoriello finished applying his makeup, pooched his mottled, white buttcheeks out of the miniskirt he was wearing and started making pouty-faces into his full size mirror, which, like the rest of his home, was spotless.

(Thanks to Tom Gulitti for the template.)

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