Tuesday, April 10, 2007

American Hockey Fan Expert Playoff Predictions (Round One): Jack Kukoda

Reminder: These Stanley Cup Playoffs picks were decided on Monday by coin flip, and assigned to our writers, who were told to justify them. Without further ado, Buffalo Sabres Fan Jack Kukoda :


So I've accepted Ritch's proverbial 30 pieces of silver to pick against my beloved Sabres, but only for the purpose of this site. I would never betray the Sabres in real life, at least not for a bag of silver. To buy my loyalty, it would take at least a million dollars and a guarantee that the Bills would win the Super Bowl for the next five years. But I digress, here are the picks I was given:

EAST

Islanders over Sabres
How/why this will happen:

There are three ways the Isles can pull this one off:
1) Miller gets hurt, leaving Ty Conklin to play hide and seek with the goal crease for the duration of the series.
2)The Sabres bus gets lost on the way to Nassau Colisseum, forcing them to forfeit.
3)Drew Bledsoe quarterbacks the power play.

Lightning over Devils
How/why this will happen:

Well, the Lightning did win the regular season series 3-1, I think, but I'm not about to bother looking it up. Lack of face-painters at Continental Airlines Arena disheartens Devils, Lightning win in 6.

Senators over Penguins

How/why this will happen:
Bryan Murray gives the Braveheart speech with his adorable speech impediment, inspiring the Senators. Sadly, the bar is set so low up there that winning one playoff series is the Stanley Cup for those guys. Go plan your parade, you hosers, 'cause you're not going past the second round.

Thrashers over Rangers
How/why this will happen:

Jaromir Jagr has a change of heart and decides he doesn't want to actually try this year, after all. In an attempt to fire up his team, Sean Avery picks a fight with the Atlanta mascot but gets his ass kicked after an enraged "Thrash" accuses him of uttering a racial slur against anthropomorphic brown thrashers. Despite winning the hearts of foul-mouthed ornithologists all over the State of Georgia, Avery and the Rangers fall in 6 games.

WEST

Flames over Red Wings

How/why this will happen:

Hasek something something groin something something crybaby something something choke artists.

Wild over Ducks

How/why this will happen:

Jacques LeMaire's teams are way too high scoring and dynamic to be stopped. I say they put up at least 75 goals in this series.

Sharks over Predators
How/why this will happen:

The series that will finally decide America's true hotbed of hockey: Northern California or Central Tennessee. The Sharks put the Predators out of their misery in 6 games, setting in motion a chain of events that moves the franchise to Kansas City, but which will eventually move and move again. Gary Bettman, in his infinite wisdom, sends the franchise to six other Missouri cities by the 2011-2012 season as part of his "I'm Going To Make These Southerners Like Hockey Even If It Fucking Kills Me" program.

Canucks over Stars
How/why this will happen:

Fuck you, Mike Modano, and your stupid giant teeth. Don't think I forgot you were there in '99, too. You'll never be half the American-born center LaFontaine was. Luongo wins this one single-handed.

2 comments:

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Mike said...

I made the same comment about Modano yesterday...good to see I wasn't alone on it!