Reminder: These Stanley Cup Playoffs picks were decided yesterday by coin flip, and assigned to our writers, who must justify them. Without further ado, newbie American Hockey Fan and Sabres enthusiast Jen Adams:
A couple of things to start.
1. Random coin flip, my ass. I didn't think the laws of physics allow for a one-sided coin designated solely to crappier teams, but hey, I'm new at this.
2. No, seriously. I mean, come on. Look at these friggin' picks.
3. I'm doing this entirely without research, since the whole green thing is my angle, so keep in mind that most of what I say will be pure bullshit, unless I'm right, in which case, bow before my omniscience.
Isles over Sabres
How/why this will happen: Hell freezes over, the sky opens from above, cats and dogs living together.
Lightning over Devils
How/why this will happen: After straining a muscle during a routine dismissal of a girl from his bed, Marty Brodeur has to sit out the series. Much like a unicorn without its horn, in his absence, not only do the Devils not play well, but they actually cease to exist.
Rangers over Thrashers
How/why this will happen:Brendan Shanahan's concussion imbued him with a temporary Charlie Gordon-like ability to calculate velocities and angles, singlehandedly leading the team to an upset. Also, he speaks in a French accent now. Weird.
Penguins over Senators
How/why this will happen: The Penguins decide to do away with any sort of offensive formation, choosing instead to station four men around the rink with the instructions to "Defend Sid to the Death." They do, and at least two good Canadians are lost.
Red Wings over Flames
How/why this will happen: Over the course of a seven game series, Detroit puts the puck into Calgary's net more times than Calgary does in a corresponding manner. That was easy.
Ducks over Wild
How/why this will happen: The home ice advantage plays a large role in this matchup, as the majority of the Wild roster has never spent more than 48 consecutive hours in above 58 degree weather. Native Swede Kim Johnsson actually melts.
Sharks over Predators
How/why this will happen: Realizing that between the two teams, no more than a total of 64 people--most of them relatives--care about this matchup, the teams meet up at a local bar and settle the series with a raucous game of Rock Paper Scissors.
Stars over Canucks
How/why this will happen: Realizing that they've already won the race purely by dint of not having to live and practice in Texas, Vancouver puts on a couple Harlem Globetrotter-style exhibition games to showcase their little-known slapstick skills, before turning the win over to Dallas in a show of good sportsmanship.