American Hockey Fan Expert Playoff Predictions (Round One): Ritch Duncan

Reminder: These Stanley Cup Playoffs picks were decided on Monday by coin flip, and assigned to our writers, who were told to justify them. Without further ado, Boston Bruins fan and dude who is uncomfortable about writing about himself in the 3rd person, Ritch Duncan :

Wait, crap. That link from my name just comes right back here.

Just trying to be consistent.

Let's get to it.

EAST

Sabres over Islanders
How/why this will happen:
Some people might say that the Sabres will edge the Islanders thanks to superior team speed, ability to roll four lines, sublime team chemistry, more wins than anyone in the NHL this year and a goaltender who will be challenging for the Vezina. But, as William Peterson, Professor Emeritus of Mathematics at Oxford University and longtime Buffalo sports enthusiast puts it, "Those people are fags." Then he threw a full beer can at my head and tried to grab my girlfriend's boob.

No, for true students of the game, the reason the Isles will fail is clearly head coach Ted Nolan, whose amazing leadership brought an Islander team that was expected to finish last back from the brink, into an improbable playoff run and miraculous finish. As Buffalo fans well know, when Ted Nolan does a good job as a coach, he is immediately fired, which I'm expecting will happen sometime around Thursday afternoon, making it the 11th wackiest decision of Charles Wang's career. The rudderless Islanders will lose all four games, but won't really mind, as they'll have the entire offseason to hang around with General Manager Garth Snow, who has the magical ability to make chesty blonde girls kiss each other. Yes, the Islanders lose this series, but ultimately, everybody wins.


Devils over Lightning
How/why this will happen:

The Tampa Bay Lightning have given up 23 goals in their last five games, a glaring weakness that will will certainly be exploited by the offensive firepower of- oh wait a minute...fuck. Still, goaltending wins games, and Marty Brodeur is still the best in the world. The Devils in 6. Not games, mind you, the Devils win the series despite the fact that only 6 goals are scored by both sides, in the entire series, which somehow lasts seven games. Don't ask, it's kind of a mystery.


Rangers over Thrashers
How/why this will happen:

This will be a tight, tight series and the Thrashers will take a three games to two lead. Always the agitator, Sean Avery will arrive at Madison Square Garden for game six covered in savory BBQ sauce. Keith Tkachuk (who has struggled with weight issues) will lose control and eat him. The ensuing outcry over whether head shots in the NHL leads to cannabalism will cause hockey fans around the US and Canada to root against the Thrashers. Atlanta fans, who never really liked hockey that much to begin with, skip game seven and instead fill up the legendary Atlanta drive in restaurant The Varsity, who has just unveiled their new sensation: "Avery Dogs." Tkachuk joins them, orders 30, and weeps while eating.


Senators over Penguins
How/why this will happen:

The Penguins leap out to a three game-to-none lead based on one of the single most amazing playoff performances in the history of the tournament by Sidney Crosby, who scores 9 goals and 14 points over the first three contests. The NHL, the city of Pittsburgh, and NBC are all thrilled at what hockey can become as this young star comes into his own on the national stage. Then, on the evening of game four, Crosby is tragically killed by NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, who slits the young phemom's belly open to quote "get all the golden eggs out." Crosby dies in the hospital, the Senators rally back and win the next four and Bettman is repeatedly raped in prison by former NHL agent David Frost. Hockey fans rejoice.


WEST

Flames over Red Wings
How/why this will happen:

Calgary jumps out to an early lead in the series by starting game one in those weird third jerseys that look like firebreathing boars. The Red Wings see the jerseys and get confused, thinking they accidentally stumbled into an indoor soccer match or arena football game. This is really embarrassing seeing as game one is being played in Detroit. They wander outside and are found in the parking lot by Stevie Y, who leads them all back inside, or at least all of them but Dominick Haskek, who decides that instead of playing hockey, he would rather sit splay-legged in a park, thinking about unicorns.



The Ducks over the Wild
How/why this will happen:

The Minnesota Wild are back in the playoffs for the first time since 2003, and once again, they are staring down the the team that eliminated them way back then, the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim, who are no longer "Mighty." Actually, scratch that. They're mightier. Plus, they have the added advantage of not having jerseys that are a total laughingstock. Ducks in 5.


Sharks over Predators
How/why this will happen:

This series becomes the most DVR'd programs in NHL history as everyone in America records it thinking that it's actually a companion piece to the Discovery Channel's "Planet Earth." The are not disappointed when San Jose Shark Kyle McLaren leaps in the air, seizes Predator coach Barry Trotz's neck in his jaws and does a full 360 degree flip, tearing his head off. McLaren is fined, but seeing as it wasn't as bad as what he did to Richard Zednick a few years back, officials look the other way. Without the wisdom of Trotz, the Predators fade quickly.

Canucks over Stars
How/why this will happen:

As a concession to Canadian hockey fans, who are justifably livid over Gary Bettman's decision to deny the CBC the Penguins/Senators game in primetime for hockey night in Canada, the Canucks are given a bye in the first round. Mike Ribero sniffles a little over it, but no one else much cares.