American Hockey Fan Expert Playoff Predictions (Round One): Ben Zelevansky

Reminder: These Stanley Cup Playoffs picks were decided yesterday by coin flip, and assigned to our writers, who must justify them. Without further ado, New Jersey Devils Fan Ben Zelevansky :

EAST

Sabres over Islanders
How/why this will happen: Duh.

Lightning over Devils
How/why this will happen: New Jersey's overwhelming commitment to team defense prevents their forwards from entering the offensive zone for the duration of the series. Each of Tampa's four GWG in this sweep deflects in off the ass of a different Devils defenseman.

Thrashers over Rangers
How/why this will happen: Despite Bobby Holik's reluctance to offend the club that paid him 8 figures to win faceoffs, the Thrashers take the series, eliciting a collective "Wait, what?" from the city of Atlanta. Side prediction: Sean Avery will bitch to the media about something.

Penguins over Senators
How/why this will happen: The Sens take it to the Pens, but the Pens keep the Sens penned in their own end. Eventually, as Fleury tends, the Pens fend off the Sens, and despite some breaks and bends, the players mend and remain friends in the end.

WEST

Calgary over Red Wings
How/why this will happen: Wait, there's still a Western Conference? So why haven't I seen them on TV this year?

Ducks over Wild
How/why this will happen: Fueled by pure shame despite a name and logo change, the Ducks sweep Minnesota just so they can change back into street clothes as quickly as possible.

Sharks over Predators
How/why this will happen: This is a tough call, since I think Predator could probably beat a Shark…after all, he had a pretty good showing against Alien. Whoever wins, we lose.

Canucks over Stars
How/why this will happen: This one's a no-brainer. Wait, are we talking about the NHL playoffs or a Goaltenders-only John Turturro Lookalike Contest?