At least they bothered to correct it.

With apologies to Alan Muir, who wrote a great article recently about spending Superbowl Sunday "poring over two-week-old game film of 16-year-old hockey phenom John Tavares" we all know that Sports Illustrated really isn't the place for hockey.

Check out what ran in the corrections section of the February 12th issue of Sports Illustrated (pictured.)










I get it, guys- you like football.

Sheesh.

I don't want to say that hockey gets no respect, but a girl phoned hockey the other day and said... "Come on over, there's nobody home." Hockey went over. Nobody was home.

Incidentally, this was pointed out to me by one of the guys who works over at The Smoking Gun. They have a little bit of experience ferreting out these kinds of errors, like this classic "Dewey Defeats Truman" moment from the Tampa Tribune, published the day after the Lightning won the Stanley Cup. TSG also has a lot of good background on Anna Nicole Smith today.

All I have on the subject are tasteless jokes that probably won't be purchased by TV shows- like this gem:

39 year old Anna Nicole Smith died Thursday after collapsing at a Florida hotel. The hotel is in stable condition.

I'll be here all week!

More evidence that hockey is not the number one sport among speakers of Portuguese:

Exhibit A:



And Exhibit B:


What gives?

I'll say this to you, people of Portugal, Brazil, São Tomé e Príncipe, Angola, Cape Verde, Mozambique, East Timor, Goa and Macau.

Smarten up.

You're getting screwed by the man.

Mail Bag!

So I got an email from my pal Eric today, a passionate Rangers fan who watched the game against the Devils last night. We had a little back and forth that I thought was interesting enough to reprint here. Here's the highlights of the game in case you didn't catch it:



By the way, I asked him if he was OK with me publishing this, and he said he had no problem with it, so long as he wasn't "disparaged." I immediately agreed, which is why I have selectively edited out all of his statements detailing his love for German fecal-porn.

Kidding.

Eric is actually a very knowledgeable hockey fan and a smart guy. I have no evidence that he has any disposition towards fecal porn of any kind, German or otherwise. Still, I will say that if he was into fecal porn, it would probably be German, seeing as he's the kind of guy who appreciates the best things in life. From wine to beer to food to music to sports to art, he's a class act, and if I applied his appreciation for the other passions he has in life to fecal porn, I'd think he'd go German. I'm just saying that from what little I know about the subject, if you're going to go for fecal porn, the German variety is pretty much universally considered top of the line.

But he's not into fecal porn.

As far as I know.

That's not disparaging, is it?

But I digress- here's his original email:

Subject: Numbers Game

12--The number of shootouts that the Devils have participated in this season. So they play 65 minutes of conservative, "not to lose" hockey so that their hall-of-fame goalie can win them an extra point.

27-The number of consecutive non-sellouts (including last night's game vs. the Rangers) at the Continental Airlines Arena.


Think there's a correlation??


Just asking.

Here's my response:

I dunno- I was in and out of the room, but I thought last night's game
was a pretty good one.

In terms of playing "not to lose hockey" and the negative effect on
turnout, you're playing a bit of a rhetorical game there. I mean, sure
"playing not to lose" sounds boring, but "playing a tough defensive
game with great goaltending" sounds pretty good to me.

I only bring this up because I am against troop buildups in Iraq, yet
am pro-"surge."

Plus, if anything, the Devils defense, at least along the blue line,
has been weaker than it's been in years. When Jagr came out of the
corner on the power play in the last two minutes of overtime and
Brodeur laid down and stopped him, it was every bit as exciting as a
two-on-one break the other way would have been.

(NOTE: That play was inexplicably omitted in that highlight package I found above. Get your heads out of your asses, NHL.)

And, yeah- the Devils don't score much, but they're using what they
have, which is a great goalie. Gauging by the amount of fan jerseys
with goaltenders names on the back around the league, it's hard to
argue that winning with a great goalie is something fans dislike. I
think it's a damn risky strategy, but they seem to have the goalie to
pull it off in the regular season. Whether that's enough to win four
playoff rounds is entirely another.

If I had to pick one factor that negatively effects the gate, it's
probably the fact that the game has officiated out some of the
intimidation that makes it feel just a little bit dangerous.

There were two factors that made me excited to tune in last night, and
it was the addition of Sean Avery and Cam Janssen in the line-ups.

Fights and violence in hockey are the naked pictures in the early
years of Playboy. The fantastic athleticism, grace, speed, finesse,
passing and goal-scoring are the great articles. So- do I read Playboy
for the articles? Yes, I do. But I picked it up for the pictures.

That said, I hear you that losing a game like that in a shootout has
got to be frustrating as hell, and I certainly don't like the way the
points are handed out in the OT/shootout.

Intuitively, it seems to me that there should be only two points up
for grabs in every NHL game. Just as they once argued that a team that
loses in overtime deserves a bit more than a team that gets blown out,
shouldn't a team that wins in overtime get a bit less than a team that
gets it done in 60 minutes? If two teams play to a tie, they each get
half of one point. If there are only two points awarded in every game,
then at the end of regulation, one of the points is gone. OT and the
shootout if necessary, allows them to play for the remaining point.

Therefore, an OT win is not as good as a regular season win, as it's
only worth a point and a half. A team who loses in OT doesn't go home
totally empty. They get half a point.

Thoughts?

And he replied:

I thought that Jagr's move out of the corner was his best stuff of the season and that last night's game was pretty darn good, as was the game against Buffalo.

However, would you pay $65 a night to see a team play cautious offense and stifling defense? Great goaltending is only great if the goalie is forced to face quality shots.

I think that three points should be put up for grabs. Win in regulation, get three points. Win in OT or a shootout, get two, with the loser getting one. Make teams play for wins. Or, just play overtime until someone wins, like baseball or basketball.

I'm sure Ben (Devils fan) has something to add to this, and I'm curious about others thoughts on the OT extra point issue. Any ideas, comments, or links to exterior articles or blog posts on the subject are welcome.

PS: Thanks to the Forechecker for giving us props on his Heavy Hitters of the hockey blog list. Also to Jes Golbez, who tagged me on a thread that I didn't have time to respond to. If you're not reading his site, you're missing out.

"Conserve your precious hatred for the game."

Hey all.

There was only one game on last night, so today is a pretty good day to get some suggestions for Jen, our burgeoning American hockey fan. The category she's writing on this week is "hockey movies and television shows she needs to see."

Obviously, the big two are Slap Shot and Youngblood, but what else is out there?

Anybody remember that two-on-none breakaway from the opening credits of the Hogan Family?


This used to piss the shit out of me as a kid- watch Jason Bateman and some other asshole slam dunk it on this poor goalie.



Where in God's name was the defense?

He clearly wasn't skating hard enough to break a sweat, or even mess up his hair under the helmet, so I suspect he was playing against very young children, or the developmentally disabled.

What a dick.

By the way, the example that Bateman's Dad sets by leaping out of his seat and roaring his approval for such an obvious mismatch could very well have laid the foundation for the rash of violent, thuggish hockey dads that made news in the decades to follow.

Nice work, Hogan family.

There is blood on your hands.

Certainly, this early Simpsons episode has got to be on the list.



Suggestions?

Coaches Corner with Don Cherry- Feb 3

Hey all- I found a Youtube account that is posting Coaches Corner on YouTube, so those of us in the States can see it.

By the way, I feel like I must have said this before, but I'll say it again. Wanna improve TV ratings for hockey in the States?

I have three words for you:

Hire Don Cherry.



Huge thank you to joeyjohnson992

Strange things happen around the Buffalo crease

And apparently, not all of them are because of Brett Hull.

Well, Jen, it looks like it's not all peaches and cream being a Sabres fan. Saturday night's matchup against the Devils was a good one. Historically, the Devils have had Buffalo's number, but this year's Sabres are a whole other story. They embarassed New Jersey a couple of months ago in a 3-2 win (coincidentally the same night as the inaugural AHF Buy Me a Beer Challenge) that wasn't nearly as close as that score indicates, so I was really excited to see a fast-paced, tightly-defended game that had a lot of fire, and even more controversy. If this is the eventual conference final, I say bring it on.

First, on Elias' alleged no-goal...come on. That thing was in. No matter where the puck happened to hit Miller's glove (and replays showed it up near the webbing), almost the entire glove was over the line before Miller snapped it back out again. And the resulting closeups of Miller's face showed a man with a secret...those were guilty eyes if I've ever seen them. I don't know why there was no review of the play:

"We all said something right away, that they should go upstairs, but they were threatening delay of game," Scott Gomez said.

Oh, that's right. Because the NHL hates the Devils.

And as for Madden's goal, Miller's argument was basically that he should have gotten a quicker whistle. That's a pretty tough sell. Watch the replay, and count out 1...2...3. It's not even close. Was I pissed when Evgeni Malkin scored his first NHL goal on Marty Brodeur that way? Yes, I was pissed. Did the goal count? Yes, it did:



If the Sabres are going to go all the way this year, Ryan Miller is the key. He is crazy talented, with lightning fast hands, but he's still just a kid, and he needs to work on his temperment. Watch the way Brodeur reacted to Malkin's garbage goal, and compare it to Miller's freakout, and subsequent dressing room bitch-and-moan. Yeah, it hurts to give one up like that, but there was still plenty of hockey left to play. After that goal in the Pittsburgh game, Brodeur didn't give up another, not to Malkin or even Jesus Chr--I mean, Sidney Crosby.

And that's the difference between a rookie and a veteran.

You know, if I had the hockey package:

I'm prety sure I'd know how to pronounce Ouellet .

"Oo-Lett?"

"Oo-Lay?"

"Ellett?"

"Owl-eh?"

Beats the hell out of me.

I guess what I'm saying is I'm not watching the Penguins and the Caps right now.

The only upside is I won't have to see that dreadful Ovechkin/Leonisis at the snack machine ad another 5 times.

Look! The billionaire has his hand stuffed up the snack machine!

Hilarious!

I hate to tell you assholes, but the only five words you need with a hockey player and a snack machine are as follows:

"Fuckin' machine took my quarter!"

I mean, for crying out loud.

Why is it that the All Star game gets all the hype with Ovechkin and Crosby playing together, and this game doesn't get on national TV?

I hate RCN cable with every pore of my being.

I'm in a mood.

Birth of an American Hockey Fan Week Two: The First Sabres Game

(Editor's note: Jen is being added as an author, but Blogger's being difficult- here's her post, please ignore the fact that it says I wrote it)



Sitting down with Ritch at a sports bar in front of our own private flatscreen, it became pretty obvious that the Bruins were playing a different game than they had been all week, namely, one in which they appeared to have brushed up on the basic tenets of the sport before taking the ice. By the end of the first period, the Bruins were up by one, and I was confused; with all of the talk surrounding Buffalo’s innate awesomeness, I had expected them to maybe, perhaps, take possession of the puck at some point, but I’m an outsider here, and figured it was just a lack of expertise on my part.


After a second beer and my eleventh explanation of icing—my only idea as to why I am still unable to grasp the concept is that I was raped by a linesman as a child and have since repressed anything to do with zone violations—the Sabres came to, and I was back in the shittalking business. Tim Thomas did some neat trick in which he momentarily removed his arms from their sockets, and Ritch called garbage goal, but I assumed that was because he was losing. At one point Buffalo scored a goal so quickly after the faceoff that I wondered that maybe they’d just left it there from the last one? I’d have asked Ritch, but the discovery of a foot-long hair in his spinach dip had officially moved him to “man while he’s down” status, so I refrained.


Since my love of hockey fights and injuries is rooted in grainy movie and TV memories from the Cold War era, I had been worried that the general uptightedness of the new millennium had dulled the gore, but watching the replay footage of Andrew Alberts taking a puck to the eye on HD, I actually saw the individual capillaries bursting, and as it always does, technology allayed any fears. When the fight broke out, I felt my heart burst with joy at the exact moment that the ref kicked the helmet out of the way, and when Sturm got a stick in the face and blood hit the ice—so red! so clearly defined!-- I was riled up like it was the Thunderdome. Team victory, a fight, a grievous-ish injury, an unexpectedly long happy hour special, and a worthy receptacle for my trash talk right beside me? Happy friggin’ birthday to me.


I have to admit, it was more than a little heartbreaking to see the Bruins do such a sexy little dance for Ritch before blueballing him in the second and third periods, but hockey’s not a game of sympathetic condolences, and in the end, he had to know that choosing a team based solely on geographic proximity to his birthplace might not be such a hot idea next time; also, making a man cry in a sports bar is always a special treat.


Birthing status: Contractions

I don't even want to talk about that Bruins game last night.

I watched it with Jen, and she's taking to this whole "Sabres fan" thing like a fish to water, in that she was talking a lot of shit without really knowing what she was talking about.

More later on that, from both of us.

I will say that the best moment of the night, (for me at least)was Brad Boyes getting in the first fight of his NHL career, and with the crowd roaring, they cut away to a local commerical featuring a contest where you can win a trip to a "Friendly's" ice cream parlour with, wait for it- Brad Boyes!
It was pretty sweet.

When I was growing up, if I wanted somebody to punch me in the mouth and then take me out for ice cream, I'd have to accidentally break a dish in front of my dad.

What?

You see, that's funny becuase I was an abused child.

Oh, and as a follow up to yesterday's hopefulness for hockey on ESPN News, I got the following in an email from my pal Eric, who's the big Ranger fan:

>>Took your advice last night and tuned in (To ESPN NEWS) at 10.

>>They covered:
>>College Basketball
>>NBA All-Star Game Reserves
>>Non-Stories from the Super Bowl
>>College Basketball
>>NBA

>>Then it was 11 and I turned to the Daily Show....

Ahh well, can't say I'm really surprised...

Hockey Thursday Night on ESPN News?

After my blustery, pro-fighting post yesterday, I did a little research on the fighting debates, and found an interesting tidbit that I'd missed in a John Buccigross column from a couple of weeks back- it has nothing to do with fighting, but for American hockey fans looking for some coverage, it's worth checking out:

NHL hockey is primarily what I watch at home and what I watch at work while preparing for "SportsCenter" or ESPNEWS on Thursday Nights from 10 p.m. to 12 a.m. ET when we talk lots of hockey.

Really?

Lots of hockey?

Anybody seen this?

I'm skeptical, but I'll tell ya, for people who have written off watching ESPN entirely, (read, me) Buccigross keeps the tiny light burning. I'll give him a chance this Thursday. If it pans out, it could be a good thing. Still, even if it turns out to be a bust, reading that collumn was worth it if only for the anecdote of hanging out with Tony Twist at a bar, and seeing him do a shot through his nose.

That's a tough guy right there.

For reminder of what kind of damage Tony Twist was capable of, check this out:



Whoop, my bad. Here he is-Tony Twist.



Goddamnit.

Alright, no foolin now- Tony doesn't win this one, per se, but it's worthwhile for that great old Penguins announcer and the Twister's effort. He may not win the fight but he pops right back up, and then tries to blast through two officials, dragging one of them across the ice by his leg.



It's funny, I'm not normally this bloodthirsty.

Let's bring it down a notch, shall we?

Christ, Jesus.

I just read the box score of the Boston/Buffalo game, and at this point, I'm fairly convinced that if you put on a blindfold and whack the Boston Bruins with a stick, candy will come out.

They have given up 13 goals in two games and have exactly one fighting major.

One?!

I mean, good for you, Wayne Primeau- but as for the rest of you, I'm ashamed.

I have half a mind to pay the 80 bucks just to boo you in person.

There was an article in the Globe after yesterday's debacle against the Rangers that mentioned the Bruins were looking at videotape to correct the situation.

Well guess what, douchebags, it's not videotape you should be watching.

It's YouTube.



Watch and learn guys, and pay particular attention at the 1:31 remaining mark for the gloves flying off so fast that it looks like they're making popcorn out there.

The only silver lining about all this is that I didn't go and watch the game tonight with Jen, who is in training to become an American Hockey Fan, and has chosen the Sabres as her team. In a moment of weakness I almost certainly would have brought up Brett Hull's fate, uh- oh, I'm sorry, did I say fate? I meant "skate," which is out of line. Of course, maybe that wouldn't have been so bad. I'm not sure she knows about that yet.

Well, click that link, Jen, if you're gonna be a Sabres fan, these are things you'll need to learn.

The only silver lining to all this is that these teams meet again on Thursday night, this time on Boston ice. The great Dan Wetzel article that I linked to yesterday mentions that Bettman has arranged more home-and-home series this season, but adds the great point that with fighting and aggression systematically officiated out of the game, a home-and-home series is like drinking a non-alcoholic beer.

But fighting's not completely gone.

Add the fact that the Bruins have been embarrassed twice in a row now, once on home ice, and now again on the road. On Thursday night, they get to meet the team who handed them their most recent humiliation, this time in front of their own fans. Do they want to extend that streak of humiliation to three? Do they want to show what is arguably the best team in the East that they are willing to lie down twice in a row, this time in their own rink? Do they want to show the world that the Boston Bruins are most definitely not a playoff team?

Or do they want to throw a motherfucking punch?

They got a win against the Sabres not long ago, and they way they did it was by slowing them down. They hit them, and hit them, and hit them again. Add some good hustle, quality shots, and good goaltending and the Bruins can beat that team. I don't know if the Bruins (or for that matter, anybody) can beat them four times in April, but here's their shot at legitimacy.

I certainly am the furthest thing from a Bettman apologist, and I'm no fan of the altered schedule, but I gotta say this.

That schedule has set up a contest this Thursday that IS the Boston Bruins season.

They have been humiliated twice, they are on their home ice, and they are facing not only a leading contender to win the Stanley Cup this year, but the architects of their most recent disgrace.

You wanna prove you're a playoff team?

Beat a contender.

The Buffalo Sabres have one of the best road records in the league.

The Bruins are reeling.

You wanna stop the bleeding with an exclamation point, or get blown out again by a real hockey team and limp your way through the second half?

Put up or shut up.

Fuck, I wish I had the hockey package.

If I could write anything better than this I'd do it.

Kudos to Dan Wetzel, and this terrific column about Gary Bettman's 14th anniversary as NHL commissioner and the disasters he wrought.

The Birth of an American Hockey Fan- Chapter one.

Check out the next post for the debut of Jen Adams, as she begins her quest, from knowing nothing about the sport, to become an American Hockey Fan.

This is what she wrote about the All Star Game, and I think we have a chance with this girl- she, like any decent hockey fan, thought it was boring.

Read on!

Birth of an American Hockey Fan Week One: The All Star Game

I decided to partake of my first game from the confines of a sports bar, hoping the din of perpetually disappointed Knicks fans would drown out the constant string of Eastern European names that passes for hockey commentating. Possible interesting future experiment to try on drunken Canadiens fans: turn down the volume, read the Minsk phone book, and see how long until/if they notice.

For a group of guys named to be the best in the league, and for the wattage of the spotlights they were using, no one really looked all that psyched to be in Dallas. I’m sure Rory Fitzpatrick didn’t begrudge the opportunity to kick back and watch the game without being overwhelmed by the smell of barbecue. It’s not the sort of thing one can usually determine with the sound off, but the level of enthusiasm in the Center looked to be less “deafening roar,” and more “Peanuts, get your peanuts!”

I’d been warned that I should in no way judge all professional hockey based on the All-Star game, which was just as well, as right from the start, I found the night lacking in bloodthirstiness. Not knowing or really giving a shit about any of the players yet, I tried to acquire the basics of the game with the help of my resident expert, the Earl of Rochester. Still, without any sort of penalties, strategy, or any actual desire on the part of either team to win, there wasn’t a lot to work with. By the time the first period break came around, if there was any doubt into my mind that hockey was the red-headed stepchild of the sports world, the hiring of The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus (was the scraping of nails against a blackboard already taken as a band name?) as the headliners pretty much sewed it all up.

This isn’t to say the night was completely devoid of momentary delights; I believe I actually giggled like a schoolchild when the first mini digital hockey player was superimposed on the screen during play, even though the Earl immediately informed me that I would grow plenty distasteful of the “ghetto VS graphics used by Popup Video ten years ago.” I also recognized both the name and team of Martin Brodeur, whom Ben had described to me, wide-eyed, using the term “second coming” in entirely serious tones. After a couple of periods I decided to make a go of it at my own apartment, in part due to the bar’s decision to change the channel to what appeared to be an amateur cricket match, giving me a small glimpse into the kind of adversity I’m facing in the next few months if I don’t suck it up and get Time Warner’s Center Ice package.

Back at home, after a mere nine minutes of play time with sound, the name Shanahan was like a gentle lullaby to my Anglo ears. Not much more excitement was to be found, and when Dion Phaneuf—geseundheit—scored a goal the same way that one wins a stuffed Spongebob at the county fair quarter toss, I think we were all pretty well set to call it a night. All in all, some foundation was laid, but until I see blood on the ice, I’m not feeling quite born as a hockey fan yet. So for this week:

Birthing Status: Mild labor pains.

Tips of the hat:

1) To the Forechecker, who once again, played my request.
I'm more than a little proud, by the way, that my gut instinct ended up being justified by two spreadsheets. Seriously, if you serious hockey fans aren't checking out the Forechecker, you're missing some GREAT hockey number-crunching. In fact, I'm such a big fan- one day I vow to learn his real name.

2) To the recap program FSN's Final Score.
It's like Sportscenter, except- oh, I don't know- they show you the fucking clips! It's a wonderful, much needed, sports highlight show, with no catchphrases, no egos, and oh yeah- hockey highlights! Add a sweet "Pardon the Interuption" type ticker on the side that lets you know what game highlights are coming up, and you have a happy hockey fan.

All Star Thoughts:

Well, despite my misgivings and bitching about the All Star game, I still watched it.

Or at least the intros, first period, part of the second and the final minutes.

Here's some thoughts:

The intros:

-Former Devil, Oiler, Bruin, and Dallas Star Bill Guerin gets a real nice ovation from the Dallas crowd. He didn't do so well in Dallas, or at least not as well as he did on a line with Joe Thornton in Boston, but the crowd really gave it up for him. I suspect this is becuase he was always the kind of player who'd skate hard, provide offense, throw a hit or two, drop the gloves if the time was right and provide leadership. It was a class act by the Dallas fans and the grin on Guerin's face showed he wasn't expecting it. I know Billy G won a cup with the Devils way back when, but I hope he can get out of St. Louis and get back into the playoffs one more time.

-During the National Anthem, the Dallas fans shout "STARS" really loud when the lyric "Stars" or "Star" is sung during the "Star Spangled Banner." I love this. Organic, fan based chants are one of the things that make this league great. The fact that they treated Billy Guerin the way they did, and really got into the singing of the national anthem that way is a pretty strong argument to the folks who say hockey will never work in non-conventional hockey cities.

-Wow, Ed Jovonoski is still in the league? I had no idea.

-I'll tell you, no offense to the guy, but it's really nice to hold an All Star game and not see Eric Lindros. After all the hype, after all the noise, that guy had exactly two good years, and was never dominant. Come to think of it, it was great to have an All Star game that doesn't end up with half the guys pulling on Rangers jerseys the next fall, and skating about as hard as they did at the All Star game.

-Ovechkin is introduced and we cut to the crowd. Two people are clapping, the rest look bored.

-Joe Thornton gives up #19 in deference to Joe Sakic. I'd like to say this is a class move by Joe, but I wonder if it was regulation, that the older player gets the number. Either way, the right decision was made. We all should be appreciating Joe Sakic these days. Also, I hear the announcers say that Joe doesn't take many warmup shots, but does take pictures with Bill Guerin and Brian Rolston. Jesus, that was a good Bruins team.

The game:

-Where the hell is Sidney Crosby? Seriously- what gives?

-A Deflection goal ties the score. Wow- so the NHL cooks the books to prevent Rory Fitzpatrick from taking a few shifts, but they're cool with their showcase of the elite featuring a puck bouncing in off fucking Yanic Perrault?

-Luongo gets his mask knocked off. This reminds me of the last fifteen minutes of the movie Predator "You are one ugly motherfucker."

-Wow- When is the last time you've watched 10 minutes of NHL hockey without a penalty? It takes you 15 games to see that these days.

-Looks like the officials are also being lax on offsides calls. If they aren't going to call it, why don't we just let a fan be the ref? Or fuck it, get Paul Newman. We know he can skate, and if you miked him up, it'd be awesome. Plus, you know Brendon Shanahan would skate up to him and tell him that he was "too fuckin' old to play this game." It'd be great.

-Great job by Emerick bringing up the Al Mcinnis quote on why he brought three sticks instead of five to the hardest shot contest back in the day: "You only bring three becuase the sticks might get jealous."

Where's Crosby? wow.

St Louis just scored on a pass from Lecavlier. So fast I couldn't see it. Jeez, you'd think that guys who've played together before are more fun to watch.

Justin Williams to Staal and another goal. What did I just say?

Again, they ignored an obviously offside play.

Brian Rolston just scored and it looked like he split the puck in half- it turned out he just broke Brodeur's microphone. That'd be great if the last thing they heard on the mike was Brodeur saying "Awww Fu-"

Well, I've lost interest. I kept an eye on the game throughout, but with apologies to Blues and Flyers fans, it ain't much fun to watch two hockey teams that aren't trying very hard. I was talking to my brother about this, and we came up with a neat idea.

Why not have the best Powerplay in the league face off against the best PK? Who would that be, I wonder? San Jose vs. Montreal, maybe? Perhaps the Forechecker will come to my aid again.

Anyway, there'll be some real hockey on Saturday.

See you then.

Jen Adams: in her own words.

Hi folks, Ritch here, giving the aforementioned Jen Adams
an opportunity to tell you what she's all about as we, (along with 14 other people in America) are busy taking in the NHL All Star Game.

Jen was chosen for this gig based on several important factors, mainly:

-Her interest in the game of hockey

-Her lack of experience with the game of hockey

-Her proven ability to write funny

-Her very common first and last name, which we figure will drive traffic to the site from the thousands of lonely drunks around the world who once had a crush on a girl named Jen Adams and decided to "just Google her name and see if I could find her." Oh, and if that's you, well- this is probaby a different Jen Adams. But just to honor that lost, unrequited love you had for that Jen Adams, howabout you read what this one has to say about the game of hockey?

I mean screw it, you obviously aren't that busy.

Give her a hearty welcome, will ya?

Here she is:




Hey all, I'm Jen-

Midtwenties, literate, and on the cusp of hockey fandom.

As if it's not hard enough to become a hockey fan within US borders, I have the added challenge of a full set of lady bits. Despite having never played the game and only even seen one professional hockey game in my life , I do hail from extremely northern New York (near the Canadian border), which imbues me with an innate knowledge of cold weather sport, survival tactics, and an abiding love for crappy beers.

I think I've got the basics of the game down- get the little black disc in the net more often than the other guys, throw a punch, repeat- but over the course of the rest of the season, I have several goals:

-learn enough to be able to use the term "five hole" without snickering

-convincingly utter the phrase "Bobby Orr is the greatest hockey playah of all TIME" at the appropriate juncture/bar.

After much forethought and some shameless anti-Rangers grovelling on Ben's part, I've chosen the Buffalo Sabres as my team. After a lifetime spent getting my heart broken by the Bills, I grew more than familiar with the tough love batterings that upstate sports offer and the accompanying "fell-into-a-doorknob" rationalizations that fans must ready themselves with, so imagine my surprise when Ritch informed me that the Sabres were not only not a shitty team, but possibly even a good one.

Though I have yet to see any proof of this non-suckitude, I look forward to chronicling the highs, lows, and confusions that come with the birthing of an American Hockey Fan.

See you Monday,

Jen

Besides the fact that it's the only hockey on this week

Why are we watching the All Star Game?

• It's our first chance to shit on the new uniforms


• We'll get to see the skills competition, which only happens once a year (or when the score is tied at the end of overtime)


• It's the only hockey on this week (crap, sorry!)


• Debuting our new drinking game, where every time Gary Bettman insincerly praises the fans, we drink


• The sublime assistant coaching of Barry Trotz




• It's the only hockey on this week (OK, OK- Jesus!)


• Where else are you going to see Thornton and Cheechoo on the same line?


• To be able to witness, if only for one day, a hockey game that discourages hitting, fighting, incidental contact, hooking, holding, and gives Ovechkin and Crosby room to stand in front of the net unmolested


• It's the only hockey on this week

What, do you have a better reason?

We're all ears.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The birth of an American Hockey Fan.

Ritch Duncan here, founder of American Hockey Fan, announcing the first of several new steps intended to expand and enhance the experience of reading this blog.

I am honored to introduce you to Jen Adams.

I'll give her the opportunity to speak for herself in a moment, but for now, it's enough to say that she is a tremendously talented and funny writer currently working in New York City.

Despite little to no prior knowledge of the game of hockey, she has been interested enough to adapt the Buffalo Sabres as her home team, follow them through the rest of the season and playoffs, and do her best to chronicle her emergence as an American Hockey Fan.

As evidence of her willingness to try new things- well, duck and cover motherfuckers, this chick has, with an open mind, eaten Pupperoni.

Under the tutilage of myself, AHF co-contributor Ben Zelevansky, and other friends of American Hockey Fan, she will be pointed towards great games, rituals, past video clips, movies, and events that we feel are integral parts of enjoying the game of hockey.

She will be posting new original material here every Monday through the cup finals, and God knows what she'll write.

People say that hockey is hard to follow, and new viewers need new uniforms, glowing pucks, a league free of fighting and a host of new rules and regulations that open the game up to a new audience.

We'll see if that's the case.

I mean sure, it's an angle, but you gotta admit, it's at least as entertaining as the All Star Game, right?

Stay tuned.

A couple of great goals for a Monday.

First off, from my pal Jack, here's a goal that Maxim Afinogenov pulled off a few years back that is kind of jaw dropping.



Up next, the Brian Rolston slap shot.

God, I love this goal.



Oh, and stay tuned over the next week.

AHF is going to be going through some changes....

24 degrees in New York tonight-

-and I'm off to play hockey on an outdoor rink.

If anyone has anything to say to my testicles, they'll be emerging again around March.

The Nickname Conundrum

As fans of hockey on any level know, there is nothing so important to team chemistry as the nickname. I always imagine a sacred ritual in the dressing room like the scene from Animal House, where Belushi is randomly assigning noms de frat to the new pledges:



He's clearly wasted, so the nicknames don't make much sense. But in hockey, there is a system so simple that even a drunken former star of Saturday Night Live could master it. Consult the official AHF template provided below as a guide, and make hockey nicknames for you and all your friends:

Martin St. Louis = Marty
Rod Brind'Amour = Roddy
Patrick Marleau = Patty

Or, you can switch it up and use last names:

Brendan Shanahan = Shanny
Colin White = Whitey
Daniel Alfredsson = Alfie

The only known exception is Scott. No matter what your last name is, you're Scotty. End of discussion.

Anyway, this system is damn near foolproof, and has stood the test of time since the days of Gordon Howe (you probably know him as "Gordie"). There's just one problem...the Kings' new goalie.

Not a lot of great options there.

Martin Luther King Day.

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I spent my Martin Luther King day watching the Buffalo/Boston game this afternoon, judging the Buffalo Sabres not by the color of their jerseys, but the content of their character. Thanks to worth1000.com for the pic. The Sabres played a good game, but the Bruins edged them in the shootout, only after holding them at bay by hitting them CONSTANTLY.

I think that's the only way to beat the Sabres, just keep on forechecking and hitting them before they can get any speed going. Oh, and just to be safe, it can't hurt to score seven goals.

The fact that I still haven't been asked to become an NHL coach is amazing to me.

Oh, and if you haven't seen Ryan Miller's save on the 3 on 1 play yet- well, wait, because you're going to.

If you even think about watching the All Star Game, that save is going to be the headliner of his highlight reel.

Just to put it in perspective, it's better than this one:



Of course, the clip of the save he made this afternoon didn't include someone screaming "Holy Macinaw," which evens the scales a bit.

But even more miraculous than Miller's save?

The fact that the Bruins didn't blow it in the 3rd period.

Oh, and as a side note, I caught some of the Sharks dominating the Colorado Avs in the late game. With Stevie Y gone, all hockey fans should be doing their best to appreciate Joe Sakic, who won't be around forever, but ripped off a great goal with that classic wrist shot of his like it was 1993.

Kiefer Sutherland explains hockey

Well, in honor of the debut of 24 tonight, I give you:

"Kiefer Sutherland explains hockey"



Now, if someone could just explain 24 to me...

(Yes, that's a shamless plug)

Things could always be worse

Kids, always remember that no matter how bad things seem, there's always someone worse off than you. Take Patrick Stefan, for example.

After all, what could be more humiliating than flubbing your backhand attempt on an empty net, then watching in horror as the other team skates the puck up ice and ties the game with 2 seconds left to go:



Pretty bad, right? Hard to be more embarrassed than that, isn't it? I mean, there's no way to botch a play any worse, is there?

Well, as it turns out, yes there is:



The good news is, the kid's got a tryout with the Stars...they're looking for someone who can score on an empty net.

Another reason hockey is better than other sports:

The baseball hall of fame.

I mean, seriously- can we take it easy?

Please?

Ooooo- Mark McGuire didn't make it in?!

Let's wring our hands and have a debate!

Fuck you guys.

I'll make it simple for you- wanna be in the hall of fame?

Be famous.

That's it.

Be a drunk , be a gambler , be a cheater , be a racist, just be famous.

We'll write the flaws on your plaque.

All Star Balloting is in-

And as much as I normally hate the All-Star game, I gotta say, the NHL did one thing right on their website, allowing you to click individual players and see examples of their recent goals and highlights.

Sidney Crosby's page is particularly great, as it really shows off his extraordinary ability to just not quit on a puck, and Alexander Ovechkin's is similarly amazing, especially in the way you really get to see, over and over again, how fluid and lightning quick his shot is.

But perhaps most extraordinary, is Daniel Briere's page, which is different from Crosby's and Ovechkin's in that his highlight reels, over and over again, feature at least 3 or four teammates touching the puck, moving it around and creating chances.

While Crosby and Ovechkin are world-class players, the Buffalo Sabres are a world-class team. That's not to say that Briere is going to do badly at the All Star game- I could skate on a line with Ovechkin and Crosby and finish with 4 points. But I do think it's interesting that the NHL still feels the need to promote itself on the single player NBA superstar model and not by promoting the electrifying lines, and most effective special teams units.

Also, it's sad that Rory Fitzpatrick didn't make it in. For those conspiracy theorists out there, who think that the NHL put in the fix, you think the fact that it might be difficult to put together a highlight page for Rory along the lines of Crosby's and Ovechkin's above?

I think they could have done it.

In fact, it's probably a matter of time before one of those nutty Vancouver hockey bloggers puts one together. Lemme know if you see one, I'll link it up.

Anyway, I'm off to play some real hockey tonight.

It's a chilly one tonight in Central Park- time to find the longjohns.

Wacey Rabbit is on the move

Jesus, I love this.

Here we go:

Former Boston Bruins prospect and perennial American Hockey Fan favorite Wacey Rabbit has been traded to the Vancouver Giants.

So heads up Vancouver- get ready for a giant wabbit.



Pictured here with his agent J.P. Barry, Wabbit appears ready to take Vancouver by storm.

I know I've shown this before, and it may be played out, but I laugh every time I watch this.

Godspeed, Wacey Rabbit.

Godspeed.

Once again, I find myself upset with the St. Louis Blues.

One of the totally sweet "benefits" that is included with their partial season ticket plans:


~ Right to purchase Stanley Cup Playoff tickets packages before they go on sale to the public

Wow- Really!?

So when do you think that will that be?

2009?

Join the Revolution!

(Last updated October 6th, 2006)

In the Crease

Hey- any of you guys remember when I told you that the producers of the movie In the Crease were kind enough to send me a DVD screener copy?

UPDATE: They are promoting and distributing the movie themselves, so if you want to see it, buy it here.

Anyway, I watched it last week, and all I can say is this: if you love the game of hockey, you will love this documentary.

OK- I can say a little more.

I posted the trailer back on December 28th- a post that is also worth reading for the motivation it has obviously given to the Phoenix Coyotes since that date, but I digress.

The film follows a California Bantam AAA hockey team as it pushes towards the national championships, and while I won't give away what happens, I will tell you that this film is not about winning or losing. What makes this film matter is the fact that the producers of this film truly "get" hockey.

I'll put it this way- have you seen the movie "The Mighty Ducks?"

Yeah, that one. With Emilio Estevez.

That movie's flaw is, it's just a sports movie with kids in it. It could be about a baseball team, a basketball team, a soccer team or whatever, and the plot wouldn't really change. The Mighty Ducks is a kids movie that happens to be about hockey.

In the Crease is a hockey movie that happens to be about kids.

And it's hockey that permeates all the characters in the film, from the NHL stars that provide cameos, to the players obsessed with nationals, to the terrific coach, to the sets of parents who span the spectrum from cool to crazy- just like in real hockey. If there was one thing missing from the movie, it was portrayals of the goalies, who go through a completely different experience. It would have been nice to have seen a bit of how goaltenders this young shoulder some of the stress of the position. For whatever reason, that wasn't included, which was a shame.

But ultimately the greatness of this movie was its ability to take you back to the memories of youth hockey:

- the weird feeling of walking in your socks across the padded floor after taking off your skates

- that totally unique, semi-sweet, semi-funky smell of every hockey rink I've ever been in, and how having that smell around somehow makes hot chocolate taste better

- the twin booms of a stick slapping the puck and the puck hitting the boards as both sounds echo over each other and throughout the building

And while it might seem ridiculous that a movie could make you remember a smell, this movie does it. It takes you there, and if you've been there before, it takes you back.

So pick it up, buy it, rent it, and hope your asses off that these are the guys who get to make the ice hockey version of Friday Night Lights.

Oh, and if they are- I know a certain hockey blogger who would be interested in showing them a spec script.

QUICK! Watching TV after midnight?

Catch Comedian Eddie Pepitone on Jimmy Kimmel Live RIGHT NOW!

He's a tremendously funny man, a lifelong Ranger fan, and here's his website

I'll make it short- tune in to ABC if you're online, before 1:30 AM eastern time!

BREAKING NEWS FOR HOCKEY FANS:

OK- if you're like me, and maybe you watch other sports but you're a hockey fan above all else, I have some seriously big news for you.

Are you ready for this?

Check it out.

Herm Edwards and Tony Dungy are not, repeat NOT the same guy.

Seriously!

Check it out!

(Not a scene from Double Impact.)

I mean, Holy shit!

Whether they in fact, kissed after this photo was taken is unknown, but what is known is, they are not, as I had previously assumed, the same guy, who despite getting fired a lot, always seemed to have a job coaching someplace or another.

Oh, but you know who are the same guy?

These two.

I should write for Letterman.

And Now-Tonight's Top Ten List, from the home office at the TD Banknorth Garden in Boston Massachusetts:












Top Ten Reasons The Boston Bruins Sucked Ass Last Night

Number 10:

Johnny Pohl on the power play, with his 6th of the year - assists from Boyd Devereaux and Pavel Kubina

Number 9:

Bates Battaglia with his 5th of the year, with assists from Ian White and Johnny Pohl

Number 8:

Alexander Steen with his 5th of the year, with assists from Ian White, and Andrew Raycroft, (for the love of God)

Number 7:

Bates Battaglia with his second of the evening, with assists from Johnny Pohl and Boyd Devereaux

Number 6:

Alexander Steen with his second of the evening with assists from Jeff O'Neill and Mats Sundin

Number 5:

Kris Newbury with his 2nd of the year with assists from Alexander Steen and Matthew Stajan

Number 4:

Matthew Stajan with his 7th of the year with assists from Tomas Kaberle and Boyd Devereaux

Number 3:

Alexander Steen completing the hat trick with an assist from Hal Gill

Number 2:

Matthew Stajan with his 2nd of the night, this one shorthanded, with assists from Alexander Steen and Tomas Kaberle

And Number 1 :

It's Chad Kilger with his 7th of the year with assists from Kris Newbury and Matthew Stajan!

Thank you- thank you very much!
And standing right over there, is your musical director, Mr. Rene Rancourt!


(And, scene.)

Now can someone kill me?

Please?

Funnier All Star campaigns than "Vote for Rory"

Well, even though I never officially weighed in on the whole Vote for Rory phenomenon, I will say that I'm disappointed that he probably won't be starting at the All Star Game.

I was proud as hell of the effort, and voted for him twice.

Many people have criticized it, Don Cherry among them, who said "the league is not a joke, and this is a joke." To that, I respectfully disagree, especially seeing as Grapes happens to be a personal hero of mine.

Look- while Vote for Rory might be funny, it's not JUST a joke. It's a legitimate effort to insert some new blood into the NHL All Star game, and reward a player who has worked his ass off to stay in this league. If some people want to laugh, fine. But has baseball, basketball or football ever suggested anything this cool? Still, as a comedy writer, I feel like if I am going on record that the Vote for Rory campaign is not a joke, it's my responsibility to put out some write in campaigns that clearly are. Therefore, I'm proud to present the following:

Write in Campaigns that are Funnier than "Vote for Rory."

1) Vote for Miroslav Satan, Wade Redden (#6) as a winger, and pull Mario Lemieux (#66) out of retirement for an all-star starting line up of jersey numbers reading: "Satan 666." That's funny.

2) Vote Cory Stillman, along with Rick Nash and Sidney Crosby for the "Crosby, Stillman and Nash" line. Even funnier? Substitute Tyson Nash.

3) Sending Islanders owner Charles Wang thousands of letters demanding not only that Rick DiPetro receive a 15 year contract extension but that his backup, Garth Snow, be given the GM job. That would be HILARIOUS. Oh, wait. Forget it.


4) Writing in Gilbert Brule and Steve Sullivan to form the Gilbert and Sullivan line, with the delicate, temperamental flower Jaromir Jagr playing alongside them as "My little buttercup."



You see?

Those are jokes.

Rory isn't.

And on a terribly serious note, does the NHL have any business ignoring the wishes of it's fans? Do I need to show the picture again?

Stevie Y

Well, what a night.

Steve Yzerman, truly one of the NHL's greatest players, had his number retired last night at the Joe. I'm a little torn by Versus's (Versuses?) decision to show the ceremony then cut away to the Blackhawks/Blues game, but I suppose I'm glad that there was a media group out there who realized that to American hockey fans all over the country, Stevie Y was a big deal. Check out what I wrote about him on the eve of his last game in the NHL.

He was quiet, unassuming, reserved, and humble everywhere but on the ice, where he was quiet, unassuming, reserved and lethal.

For the best coverage of the night, go see Christy's photos (she took the one I have there) over at Behind The Jersey. Honorable mention goes to Abel to Yzerman, who I didn't even know was back (I've been a little AWOL for the past month) , who writes with tremendous eloquence about not only Yzerman, but the pain that all hockey fans feel when something HUGE happens in the world of hockey and the sports media ignores it. Oh, and he hipped me to Christy's great coverage too. She was all over this night, and she even got Don Cherry's autograph, which I must admit I'm a little pissed off about.

I mean, you don't get to have lower bowl seats to Steve Yzerman's retirement game AND get Don Cherry's autograph on the same day. It's just too much joy. It's like hearing that you'll get a chance to drink from the Stanley Cup, and when you get there, the liquid they're pouring into it is Johnny Walker Blue. I mean, for fuck's sake Christy, even if we keep it within the realm of the NHL, let's do a little comparison:

Christy: Hanging out at Stevie Y night and getting Don Cherry's autograph

Phil Kessel: At home with ball cancer.

See what I'm saying here?

Spread it around, doll.

Francois Beauchemin has a lacerated spleen

When reached for comment, Phil Kessel said: "Pussy."

I had a joke forwarded to me-

If you write a hockey blog, you get stuff sent to you from time to time.

So I got this joke today. It's kind of an old one, pretty gross, not that funny, and they got the punchline wrong.

Still, it's nice to be thought of.

Here's the joke:

>Q: What's the difference between Wayne Gretzky and Courtney Love?
>
>A: Wayne takes a shower after three periods.

Can you see the error in the punchline? Here's how it's supposed to go:

>Q: What's the difference between Wayne Gretzky and Courtney Love?
>
>A:Courtney Love has coached an NHL franchise to 13 fewer wins this season.

But that wasn't all I got sent over the past week. The fine folks behind the movie "In the Crease" were good enough to send me a screener of their film. I'll watch it over the next few days and let you know what I think- but the trailer looks really good- Check it out:

AHF's "Buy me a Beer Challenge!"

A total failure.

I was at the Devils/Sabres game last night, and the only person who chose to participate in the buying me a beer challenge is the one writing this.

To be fair, though- we were pretty far up in the cheap seats, and attendance was, shall we say, light. I'll wait to see how Ben's pictures came out, but the entire lower bowl was terribly, embarrassingly empty.

UPDATE: Check it out:

They were celebrating the 25th anniversary of the Devils organization, and apparently felt that the best way to do so was to replicate the turnout from 1987.

Still, the Devils played a heck of a last 60 seconds, it's just a shame the crowd had to sit through the first 59. Buffalo didn't look great, but I'll tell you, when that Briere kid starts skating with the puck, things happen. Ultimately, two systems collided for 3 periods, and unsurprisingly, the Sabres were just a little bit better at taking advantage of their odd-man rushes.

Still, a bad night of NHL hockey still beats a good night of quite a few other activities, and I'm not quite ready to accept that the "Buy me a Beer Challenge" is an unworkable concept. After all, I still enjoy hockey, hockey fans still enjoy this blog, and I still enjoy beer.

Goddamnit, there's got to be a way we can make this work.

I'll be at the Bruins/Habs game on December 23rd.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

The American Hockey Fan "Buy Me a Beer Challenge!"

OK- here's how it works, people.

Myself, Ben from Unleashed , and Jack from Kukoda.com are attending the Devils/Sabres game this Tuesday December 12th at the Meadowlands. Ben is a Devils fan, Jack is a Sabres fan, and I'm a fan of great hockey and frosty beer.

Seeing as the Devils have just won five straight, ( including a 5-1 manhandling of the Boston Bruins this weekend ,) and the Sabres are one of the top three teams in the NHL this year, it looks like I'll be guaranteed at least one of those things.

It's up to you, dear reader, to provide the other.

You heard me.

If you're a fan of what I do on this blog, well, it's the holiday season, and this is your chance to give back. Remember, I write this blog for free, and present it to you commercial free, intentionally forgoing the literally tens of dollars a year I could be pulling in from Google Ads. Therefore, if you enjoy this blog, and are either attending the Devils-Sabres game or know someone who will be who is willing to act as your representative, read on:

The first fan of this blog (or their representative) to bring a cold draft beer to me, Ritch Duncan, at Section 206, row 11, seats 3-6, (I will be wearing a black Boston Bruins sweatshirt) at any time during the Devils Sabres game on December 12th, 2006 will win the following (optional) prizes:

1) At least one (1) picture with me (that will be published on this blog) .

2) At least one (1) paragraph (published on this blog) of effusive, genuine praise, saluting you (or your business or project) for your courage, good taste and strength of character.

3) The thanks of a grateful nation.

The second fan of this blog (or their representative) who brings a cold draft beer to me at Section 206, row 11, seats 3-6, will win the following prizes:

1) At least one (1) picture with me (that will be published on this blog) .

2) At least one (1) paragraph (published on this blog) of effusive, genuine praise, saluting you (or your business or project) for your courage, good taste and strength of character.

3) The thanks of a grateful nation.

The third fan of this blog (or their representative) who brings a cold draft beer to me at Section 206, row 11, seats 3-6, will win the following prizes:

1) At least one (1) picture with me (that will be published on this blog) .

2) At least one (1) paragraph (published on this blog) of effusive, genuine praise, saluting you (or your business or project) for your courage, good taste and strength of character.

3) The thanks of a grateful nation.

Lather, rinse and repeat, folks.

I'll be there all night.

NOTE: If you are not attending Tuesday's Devils game and do not know anyone who is, the American Hockey Fan "Buy me a Beer Challenge" will be repeated December 23rd at 7:00 PM at the TD Banknorth Garden in Boston. Seat location will be given out closer to gametime, provided that this potentially wonderful scam bear fruit.

And by fruit, I mean, of course, free beer.

Stop by!

It'll be fun to see you.

Hello, "Chris Pronger Rumors" people.

I've had a TON of hits, over the past few days, the way I always do when Edmonton plays Anaheim, but this time, it's moreso, seeing as Pronger is back in Edmonton tonight. In fact, the flurry of hits was so intense that I thought for second I'd missed the game.

Any predictions?

I don't have much to add, but for those people who liked the original post, or the follow up (from the last time this happened) here's a fun note from Ty Conklin's player info page, under assets:

Has plenty of confidence in the crease, and is a capable puck-handler. Works extremely hard at improving his game.

Well, I should hope so.

Well, while you're here folks, here are a few greatest hits:

Brind'Amour's Cup Smooch

Candle in the Wind: An Interpretive Dance

The sad lack of good books about hockey.

There might be better ones, bit I'm tired-

Oh, and if you want my predicton, I'd say 6-4 Anaheim, with a goal by Lupul and a goal and 2 assists from Pronger.

UPDATE: Thorton v Savard!

The Forechecker played my song!!


In a post earlier today (scroll down), I suggested that the excellent hockey stats site The Forechecker look a little deeper into Kevin Paul DuPont's assertion that Bruins fans shouldn't be living in the past, as Marc Savard is outperforming Joe Thornton this year.

Well, he did!.

How awesome is that?!

Of course, he proved DuPont right, which honestly, should come as a surprise to none of us.

Good times.

Maxim Magazine

OK- While my thoughts about Maxim Magazine are well documented, I think that their most recent outrage is worth discussing, especially in light of my problems with the people responsible for marketing the game of hockey in America. My views on this were articulated recently by a morose Flyers fan who plays on my beer league ice hockey team.

"They just don't get hockey," he said.

We had been rained out of our second game a few weeks ago, (We play in a killer outdoor rink at the North End of Central Park) and had decided to meet up at a midtown watering hole to, shall we say, increase team morale. Naturally, the conversation shifted to NHL hockey, and the fact that on a Monday night, how every TV in the bar was tuned to the football game; not one was on the Ranger game. I mean, sure, I get it that the NFL is big in this country, and Monday Night Football is an institution, but the fact is, if you are in a hometown bar, the hometown team should be on the TV. At least one of them. To a casual sports fan in this country, hockey doesn't exist, and in my mind, that's the fault of the marketing. My teammate took another sip and shook his head- "I mean, the things they value, the parts of the game that are great- they just don't get it."

To see a red hot example of this, take a gander at Maxim Magazine's recent slideshow Hockey's Toughest Bastards , which was emailed to me from Ben. I'm pretty sure he knew I'd flip out when I read it, and he loves to bait me.

While there are people on that list who are noble choices, their choice for number one was so asinine that I screamed aloud at my computer screen. I'll take a break and allow you to read the list. I guarantee you, you won't guess who number one is.

Spoilers after the break.




















#1 MARIO LEMIEUX

What?!!

The toughest bastard in hockey?!!

And how about this: "Tough Guy Cred: He beat cancer."

Wow.

So, what exactly do these dickheads think Saku Koivu beat, bird flu?

I mean, Jesus.

And while I understand that these lists are created to start controversy, that's just ignorance. I mean, if they would have picked Messier (who went #2) I guess I could have lived with it, but still, the stated "tough guy cred" is making the prediction of winning game 6 against the Devils? Great leadership, yes. Tough guy behavior, no. How about bringing up the fact that Messier shattered a guy's jaw with one punch? How about the time he cross checked Doug Gilmour in the face and changed the flow of a playoff series? That's the kind of controversy I expect. But to put Mario Lemieux on that list at all, not to mention at number one, shows that "they just don't get it."

Kevin Paul DuPont had some decent views in this week's Globe on how to improve the game as well.

By the way, I love DuPont, but that dude hates Joe Thornton. He was the columnist who called for Big Joe to give up the "C" after not talking to the media during his last big Bruin playoff collapse, and he makes the point this week about how Marc Savard is doing better than Big Joe so far this season, on a Points per game basis. I'd be interested in breaking down that comparison a little closer with some different stats- Hey Forechecker are you listening?
----------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE! Nov. 27 4:22 PM: HE WAS LISTENING!
------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, and just for fun, maybe some of the real hockey fans out there could leave a comment with their suggestion of a better number one on Maxim's little list. I can think of four right off the top of my head, none of which are mentioned. That list is to hockey knowledge what Maxim is to pornography.

Close, but far from getting the job done.

Well, the B's pulled it out last night-

- in a shootout.

While it wasn't the massacre I'd hoped it would be, it still was fun to imagine Gary Bettman telling Ted Leonsis what a great thing the shootout is for the game just as his Caps fell to 0-4 in that category. Although who knows? Maybe it wasn't such a bad night for Ted. There's a chance that his kids took some serious steps towards becoming self-actualized individuals all while staying loving within the family.

(See # 11 on Ted's 101 list)

If the B's can keep the ball rolling in Toronto tonight, there will be cause for optimism.

Oh, and I got another humor piece published, coinciding with the release of the new Bond movie. It ain't about hockey, but Jason Vorhees makes a cameo in a hockey mask, so that's close enough. You can read it here.

Happy Thursday People!

HERE WE GO BRUINS- HERE WE GO!

OK- based on how the Boston Bruins have performed this year, it's safe to say that my expectations for tonight's game against the Wasington Capitals are low.

However, today, on my run through the hockey blogs, I found myself over on the blog of Ted Leonsis , billionaire AOL executive and owner of the Washington Capitals. He's been linked over there on the sidebar as a prominent douchebag for quite a while.

Oh, and I know that he has a good relationship with hockey blogs, and has been one of the frontrunners of advancing expanded access of bloggers as journalists, but despite that, believe me when I tell you that this guy is a douche. Yes, he's opening doors for bloggers, but think about where he's coming from:

a) He works for an internet company, which means expanding the scope of the internet helps his business.

b)He owns the Washington Capitals, who have sucked so hard in recent years that if I owned them, I'd be reaching out to dudes who flyer windshields, for fuck's sake.

I mean, it's great that he's using blogs, but what are his other options?

The Washington Post?

But still, in case you're even a little bit on the fence about what a MAMMOTH douchebag this guy is, and the large cartoon version of his own head that adorns his blog (Ted's Take!) isn't enough for you, the creme de la creme of utter pomposity combined with sheer douchebaggery, has got to go to Ted's 101 list.

If you didn't click that link (and you should) this is a list of "Life Goals" that Ted has published on his blog, so all the little people can see all the great accomplishments of all things Ted. It's not hidden on the blog either, it's advertised prominently on the sidebar, with a flashy "check-box" graphic.

Let's get into this a little:

It starts off OK, with nice, normal things:

1 Fall in love and get married (check)
2 Have a healthy son (check)
3 Have a healthy daughter (check)

Great, right?

Well then it starts to get a little weird:

13 Net worth of ten million dollars, after taxes (check)
14 Net worth of one hundred million dollars, after taxes (check)
15 Net worth of one billion dollars, after taxes (Not checked yet?!)

Awww, C'mon, Ted, you can do it!

Let's all root for TED and his billion dollars AFTER taxes! Hooray for Ted, and his ability to achieve his goals!

And this goes on, and on and on.

23 Own a beach home that stays in family (check)
24 Own a jet (check)
25 Own a yacht (check)
26 Own a convertible Porsche or Mercedes Benz (check)
27 Own a mountain home that stays in the family (Not checked yet!? C'mon Ted!)
28 Own a great piece of art (check)
29 Own a great personal collection of watches (check)
30 Own a Ferrari (check)
31 Restore an antique auto (check)
32 Own a restaurant or club (check)
33 Support someone who makes a great breakthrough in science or art (Not checked)

How can this be? Ted is so refined and sophisticated! Surely this will be checked in a matter of time. Perhaps the cure for AIDS? Maybe a revolutionary breakthrough with stem cell research? I know- the common cold. Or could it be art? You can do it, Ted. We're all rooting for you. Of course, if you wanted to do something artistic, you might want to start with a hockey arena that doesn't look like a generic box, but Oh-wait- I forgot- sports owners don't finance arenas, taxpayers do.

My bad.

Either way, I digress.

Jesus, that guy sucks.

But as I was reading over Ted's blog, I stumbled across this little gem of information:

On Wednesday, Gary Bettman, the NHL Commissioner, will be coming to DC, where he and I will do some press work together and then attend the Caps vs Bruins game. It would be nice if our fans came out and showed their support for the Capitals in front of the Commissioner. :-)

you like the way he phrased that?

"Attend" the game- let no one ever accuse Bettman of actually WATCHING a hockey game. But still- Ted Leonsis and Gary Bettman- working together on "press."

I can see it now...


Gary:

We need to publicize the league- any ideas?


Ted:

How about a large series of Easter Island statues of my head?

Gary
Hmmm- can we make it LESS about hockey? I mean you're a hockey team owner, and people might actually make that connection and perceive it as being helpful to the game. Also, we're phasing out fighting entirely, and I don't like the "cementhead" thing. Maybe we can get OLN to change their name again?

Ted

Great idea! How about T.E.D.?

Gary

I like it!


And- Scene.

Either way, if I've ever wanted the Bruins to succeed, and I have, I want them to succeed tremendously tonight, if only to embarrass the crap out of Ted in front of Bettman.

C'mon, B's- I know there ain't a lot to play for when you're in the basement like this, but how about a 6-2 rout with a good old fashioned donnybrook at the end?

How about pulling one out for all of us who don't brag about owning "a great personal collection of watches?"

I mean, is there anything LESS hockey that that?

Do it up, boys.

Do it up.

Rumsfeld steps down-

- so why can't we do anything about Gary Bettman?

Anyway, a game to watch for tonight is Toronto/Boston, as player of the month Andrew Raycroft takes on his old team, the Boston Bruins, a team he was traded from because management was afraid he might tell the new guys in the locker room that Joe Thornton was a pretty good player.

Hannu Toivennen was sent to the minors yesterday too, so it'll be Thomas in net for the B's, a guy who despite never being the "goalie of the future," is a competitor who will play with some pride, seeing as it was he who rose to the challenge last year for the B's, and played well when Raycroft was injured.

It would be a pretty good game to watch, if I could watch it.

I initially gave the edge to the Leafs, as Peca is a bit of a Bruin killer, but upon further reflection, Glen Murray has been playing pretty well these days, and I bet he remembers where some soft spots on Raycroft are.

Prediction: 3-2 Bruins, with 5 minutes left in the 3rd period.

With these Bruins, anything after that is a coin flip, but I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that they will at least play well enough to have a lead to blow at the end.

You know me, I accentuate the positives.

1,000 words.

I got nothing today, people.

Well, except this, which should be the Third Jersey for the Blues::





You think John Davidson has a copy of Blizzard of Ozz?

I doubt it.

Oh, and by the way, I found that picture here .

The Reason I'm Not Watching Game 6 of the 1974 Stanley Cup Final between the Bruins and Flyers

Well, because I'm at work, and I actually have a lot to do today.

What's your excuse?


NHL games, both old and new, are now available on Google video.

For free.

Get your ass over there!

Brendan Shanahan-

Jesus, is this guy a hockey player.

I'm up late again, watching the Sharks and the Rangers, and this guy, down a goal with less than a minute left, blocks a shot with his chest and it hurts him. He stays in, stays in position, then manages to dive in the zone and slap a bank shot off the boards and into the empty net, making him the NHL's leading goalscorer and tying him with Bobby Hull on the all time goal scoring list.

Oh, and he also assisted on Cullen's goal.

And how about this Hollweg kid?

Putting the John Kerry Incident in perspective:

OK- I don't really like to talk politics on this blog, but watch this- I can tie it into hockey.

At this point, anybody with a television knows about the "botched joke" incident that has kept John Kerry in the headlines for the past two days. I won't run you all the way around the merry-go-round again, but to briefly recap, there's been a lot of talk about whether Kerry:

a) even said what he said
b) meant to say what he said
c) should apologize for being misinterpreted
d) Should have not have called Rush Limbaugh "doughy"
and e) f), g), and h), whatever the fuck they all are.

Either way, with the political spin machines angled the way they are, it was a clear cut victory for Republicans over the past few days. I mean, think about it- with a week to go before a tremendously important election, and with nobody that can think of a single goddamn thing that Republicans don't suck at, they seemed to be up against a wall. All of a sudden, BOOM- they are reminded of one thing they're actually great at- making John Kerry look like an asshole.

Not like that's really difficult, and I wouldn't run on it, but the Republicans don't have a lot of cards to play, and on this hand, they ran the table with a pair of twos.

But lets bring it back to hockey.

John Kerry, if you will remember, is a hockey player. To really understand what went down here, it's time to go back to the classics, and yes, I'm talking about Slap Shot.

In this situation, George Bush and the Republican party are Reggie Dunlop and the Charlestown Chiefs, and John Kerry, sadly, is Hanrahan. Player-coach Reg Dunlop is an affable guy, bit of a black sheep, who everyone agrees would be fun to have a beer with. But when the mill closes, and the fans start losing their jobs, Dunlop decides it's time to play dirty. Knowing that Hanrahan had flown off the handle after hearing that his wife was having sex with women, Dunlop taunts him with it again during a game, and sure enough, it works. Hanrahan goes nuts, attacks Dunlop, and the Chiefs score. As Ned Braden said, "It was a bullshit goal- a bullshit win."

Afterwards, in the locker room, Morris, one of the finest characters in American cinema by the way, asks Dunlop what he said to him, and Dunlop told him, saying "he's a stupid ape, I knew it would piss the shit out of him!"

If there is one thing guaranteed to piss the shit out of John Kerry, and make him act like a stupid ape, it's to accuse him of not supporting the troops, something he never responded to well during the campaign. I'm sure it still burns his ass that Bush and Cheney, two guys who avoided combat, used the swiftboat issue to paint a decorated combat veteran as anti-military, and have it actually work. I guess what I'm saying is, if you're confused how Tony Snow has the balls to stand up and say that "he isn't sure that Kerry wasn't insulting the intelligence of the troops" it makes a lot more sense if you just imagine him skating up behind the right goalpost, stopping behind Kerry's ear and and yelling "Suzanne sucks pussy!"

Cause that's what's going on there.

Oh, and apologies to you Canadians who regularly visit this site. I know it might be lame for you to sit through this tirade on American politics, but I don't want to hear any shit about it until your politicians stop fucking Tie Domi.

I mean, Jesus.