Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Not to harp on it too much,

But if the Carolina Hurricanes win tonight, Glen Wesley will be heading to his third Stanley Cup final against the Edmonton Oilers.

Could the third time be a charm?

I dunno- I kinda think Buffalo is gonna win two straight, and then sit back and watch as Mike Peca kicks it into the net for the cup-winning goal.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006


That's kind of how I feel today, after a trip to Border's books, and the embarrassingly pathetic "ice-hockey" section.

Seriously, in case you ever feel like interest in hockey in this country is on the upswing, take a little stroll thought the sports section of any chain bookstore. Obviously, baseball is the king of the sports books section, mainly because it's the only sport you can actually watch WHILE reading. Basketball and football have large sections of their own as well, and you'd think that hockey might be next, right?

Fuck no, compadre, it's time to buckle down for the golf section.

Don't get me wrong, golf is a fun game, but the writing inspired by it is a HUGE industry, far bigger than it has any business being. This is mainly because a lot of the men who play golf tend to be exactly the boring types of bastards whose families have no idea how to shop for them. I mean, they go to work, come home, love their families in their typical way, and they're pretty much interested in Golf, Patrick O'Brian novels , scotch, and pornography.

Then, once they’ve gotten through all the O'Brian and have 12 bottles of single malt behind the bar, their families have just two options left, and most of them tend to pick the one where they don’t have to say “Happy Father’s Day, Dad- it’s a subscription to BangBus!” So… sorry about that Pop, here's another book about Golf. I love you, OK? Now please don't hang yourself.

And then, finally- after you work your way through the smaller sections, demarcated usually with a plastic signs extending off the shelves reading “NASCAR,” “Olympics,” or “Action Sports” (usually skateboarding, snowboarding and in-line skating) you get to...

could it be....



It’s "Outdoor Sports" a section packed with books on skiing, hunting, biking, mountain climbing, and the memoirs of idiot “sportsmen” whose appendages were frozen off , were trapped under heavy things, or were at the very least menaced, but in some cases either partially or completely devoured by, everything from bears to sharks to Arctic wolves.

Then- finally, finally- you see a small section, usually half a shelf, this one without even a plastic sign of it’s own, but instead just a series of letters at the center of the shelf, in a font so small that the writing on the spines of the books themselves are bigger than what is faintly spelling out the words “Ice Hockey.”

And there isn’t a lot to offer. You’ll see, oh- I don't know, an NHL Yearbook maybe, and a few kids books with lots of glossy pictures and grammatically incorrect exclamation points in the titles. Stuff like "So- you want to play in the NHL!" or "Seeking the Silver! 8 Stories of Lord Stanley's Cup." Then if you're lucky- very lucky, you might find a lone, dusty copy of George Plimpton's Open Net , which if you haven't read, you should buy immediately. It's incredible.

There also will be at least 12 books about the 1980 Olympic Hockey team, which chronicles the Miracle on Ice, the miracle being that the citizens of the United States all actually enjoyed a hockey game, mostly because it introduced them to a storyline that would one day be adapted into the screenplay for Rocky 4 .

As Don Cherry once wrote “Let’s face it, Americans would rather watch ‘The Rifleman’ than a hockey game.” And I know he said that because it was in the book next to the 12 copies of the Miracle on Ice book, a 6-inch paperback entitled “Hockey’s most hilarious one-liners!”

It's just a little depressing, the ice hockey shelf.

You should check it out.

It's right above the one labeled "Soccer."

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Lazy Sunday.

Well, I've made a change on the sidebar there.

Yeah, you see the one- it's over there on the right.

Right about....

Here: -------------------------------------------------------------------->

It used to be that if you clicked "The Truth" you would be linked to the CBC hockey page, and "The Beauty" would send you to Don Cherry's Coaches Corner video page. While Grapes is still entertaining as all hell, I've found that the CBC's webpage isn't the most user-friendly way to get hockey stats and info. They still are the best game in town for a live broadcast, but for one-stop hockey stats, opinion, and player profiles, I've found the info on Sportsnet.ca much better, so I've officially replaced them as "The Truth."

For a quick example, check out the differences between the respective site's player profiles; we'll use American Hockey Fan's inspirational player of the 2006 playoffs Glen Wesley as an example.

Here's his profile page from the CBC .

Now here's his profile page from Sportsnet .

You'll see that there is a lot of the same information, and both of them are MUCH better than your typical American internet sports site , but the Sportsline one is a little better organized, easier to look at, and has plenty of sidebar material and items of interest to the fan.

I'm also gonna poke around Blogger today to see if I can figure out how to add categories to the sidebar, so you can access archived posts about your favorite players, teams or hosts of Meet the Press at the click of a mouse.

We'll see how it goes.

As always, if you guys have favorite sites, blogs or hockey columnists, let me know, I'll link 'em up.

I mean, it's best if they are about hockey, but stuff like this is always welcome too.

Aim for the head.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

The Great White Way!

Well, I didn't watch any hockey last night.

No, when Edmonton and Anaheim were facing off at 9:00 PM Eastern Time, officially kicking off the Western Conference finals, I was guzzling a vodka tonic in the lobby of the Al Hirschfeld Theater, steeling myself to go back into the theater for the second act of "The Wedding Singer," the Broadway show based on the Adam Sandler movie of the same name.

I know.

Just take it easy here, people.

I know it's tempting, but before you blow up the comments section with a series of crude accusations challenging not only my taste in nightlife, but my future eligibility in the armed services, I implore you to hang in there for the circumstances that got me there.

First off, my girlfriend's mother is in town all weekend for her birthday, and she loves to go to Broadway shows.

Second, my old comedy pal Stephen Lynch plays the lead, and I was thrilled to see him make good.

Third, my girlfriend's ex-roommate, a smart, talented guy named Matt Sklar, wrote all the music and we got to hang around with him after and watch all the actors come by and kiss his ass.

It was pretty sweet.

And the show?

Well, it was a Broadway remake of an Adam Sandler movie, and if there's one thing I dislike more than Broadway remakes, it's Adam Sandler movies, so needless to say, I went in with low expectations. As a result, I actually enjoyed it, but that may have been because I know people who were involved, and I am always a huge fan of any show that hires my friends. That said, the crowd loved it, Steven was great, and it was definitely less embarrassing than the jerseys of the Mighty Ducks. I could have done without the foul mouthed old lady, but you can read about that here .

I caught the second and third period of game one of Carolina-Buffalo today, and it was exactly what I expected, with Buffalo dominating the second period, and Carolina refusing to roll over and fighting to the very end. Either team could win this series and I'll be watching as much of it as I can.

Still, thank God it was a day game.

Tonight, we see The Drowsy Chaperone .

Friday, May 19, 2006

Edmonton versus Anaheim

Well, the Western Conference finals start tonight, between the Oilers, (whose logo reminds me of my shattered teenage dreams of a Stanley Cup for the Bruins in 1988 and '90) and the Mighty Ducks, (whose logo reminds me of the pajamas my little brother was wearing at the time.)

Seriously, the only thing that could make the Mighty Ducks any more adorable would be if instead of skateguards, they had adult-sized footies that came down over their blades for the walk out to the ice.

In terms of the series, for Christ's sake people- it's the Western Conference final, both teams are good, and anything could happen. Still, I'm inclined to pick the Oilers, not only because they are riding a hot streak, but also they actually lead the Ducks in a category that no self-respecting duck should trail in. That's right, beaks.

Yeah, I said it- the Edmonton Oilers are a bunch of big-nosed motherfuckers.

When I see a honker as mammoth as Horcoff's is in that picture, I fully expect to see Cary Grant dangling from it. And in case you think that it's just an unflattering angle, click it again and take a look at the shadow his visor casts across that nine pound booger machine.

And if you think Horcoff's honker is prodidious, check out the coke dealer's dream that's hard at work making Igor Ulanov's eyes look tiny, or that mammoth slab of flesh on Ryan Smyth's face that he could rent out every summer for children's pony rides.

Christ, I bet his sunglasses weigh more than Daniel Briere.

So you want a prediction for this series?

Here ya go:

Edmonton- by a nose.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Well, I didn't see that coming.

A shutout.


Well, I didn't get my game seven, but I did get quite a game, and when a team plays that hard, you have to give full marks to the Edmonton Oilers.

While the critics will still grumble about Joe Thornton in the playoffs, the fact is, you can't pin this on Joe. If anything, I'm curious to see the extent of Cheechoo's injurys. You have to credit the team defense of Edmonton for playing their hearts out, not relying on any one guy and backchecking like their very lives depended on it.

Add that to the fact that Dwayne Roloson has the best save of the tournament, and Michael Peca now has the best goal of the tournament, well- the Edmonton Oilers now have everything but the best hit of the tournament, which belongs to...Buffalo.


Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Game 6 is here-

- and it represents Joe Thorton's second to last chance to avoid the "playoff choker" handle that keeps getting whispered around the league. Obviously, if the Sharks lose tonight, he has a fresh season to silence the critics without the distraction of being the centerpiece of the most lopsided trade of the year. But if he chokes tonight, the whispers will continue.

As a long time Bruins fan, I think one of two things will happen tonight.

1) Joe will come through with at least a three point performance, including at least one goal and the Sharks will win in overtime, I'm going to say by a final score of 4-3. Nils Ekman will get the game winner.

2) Joe gets frustrated, gets 2 points but takes at least one REALLY stupid penalty and the Sharks lose.

The key to the game is the penalties, and the team that can stay out of the box and play disciplined is going to win this game. By the way, I'm including playing smart on the power play, as a shorthanded goal could be the difference here. I've watched Joe Thornton a lot over the past 5 years, and I can tell you- if he keeps his temper and does what he does, good things will happen. If he doesn't- well, remember, this is a guy who got thrown out of his return to Boston in the first two minutes for a high hit on one of his best friends, Hal Gill. When he gets emotional, he gets out of control.

While I'm at it, as a longtime Bruins fan, I also have the following predictions:

-Sergei Samnsov will speed into the zone, make your jaw drop with some fantastic stickhandling, and then fall down and slide into the corner. He also will sit on the bench chewing on his mouthguard like a tiny Russian cow.

-After an exhausting shift, Kyle Mclaren (San Jose's D-man with the yellow visor) will sit on the bench vigorously mouth-breathing. All of a sudden, a wierd spasm will cause his head to jerk down from his neck like a pez dispenser on electroshock. It's like part sneeze, part snort. Seriously, watch for it- he does that. Me and my buddy Duben used to have a killer impression of it.

But let's hope that the Sharks pull through- we've only had one game seven this whole playoffs, and it was a stinker of a no-show by the Calgary Flames. This has been a great series, and I'd like to see it go the distance.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Despite the chants from yesterday's movie-

Carolina does not in fact, suck.

They two remaining teams in the East match up pretty well, but I'd give the initial advantage to Buffalo, as they hit a little harder, and as I saw in game 4 of Carolina/Devils, hitting the 'Canes early and often can slow them down.

Yet, for a beleaguered Bruins fan living in the New York metropolitan area, I'm sorry to see the Devils go, and not just because I'm always in favor of a longer playoff series. For one thing, The Devils have been a hell of a lot of fun to watch over the past month. Those who say that the Devils are still a boring, trapping team obviously never saw Patrick Elias pulling off a toe-heel drag deke on the power play or saw Cam Janssen smashing an opponent into the boards so hard that the little cartoon birds circling his head are clearly visible to those watching on HDTV.

Ultimately, I think the Devils just burned too hot, too fast, and with Jagr's injury and the Rangers' subsequent collapse leading to a week-long layoff, you had a team on a winning streak forced to sit around too long, and they just lost the hot hand. Conversely, the Hurricanes couldn't have been better prepared by dropping the first two games to a vastly weaker Montreal squad, and the adversity caused them to come together and jump all over the Devils early. Add a couple of lucky bounces and a few goals where they just refused to stop pressing, and they were ultimately the better club.

Still, I gotta tell you, after attending a Devils playoff game, for a team that has been as consistently excellent over the past 10 years, I was surprised to hear the repeated chant of "Rangers Suck,” of all things. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm from Boston, and I understand what it is to have a sports inferiority complex, but the Rangers actually DO suck. At least when we pre-2004 Boston fans chanted "Yankees Suck” it was because they beat us all the time. Or, more specifically, they may have beaten us on the scoreboard, but in a larger, more philosophical sense, we beat them- we were superior parents, had better public schools, and were big enough people to root for them after 9/11. And why were we so certain of our superiority?

Because they SUCK.

So there.

OK- it doesn't make much sense, but this is sports, not life, and it's a good thing to have at least one thing remaining in society where adults can revel in some sour grapes. It’s fun to have a forum where you can say, for example, “even though you're better you STILL suck, and the reason is because I say so, you fat fucking douchebag Yankee fan. And while I’m at it, fuck Derek Jeter and that goofy-ass little bat waggle he's got.”

But why the sour grapes when you're so obviously, clearly better? I know it must be frustrating for Devils fans to have Ranger fans coming into their building all the time, but c'mon, Devils fans, you've won more playoff games in the last 8 days than the New York Rangers have won in the past 8 years. The Rangers DO suck, and when you chant it all the time, especially after you already swept them, it makes you look more than a little pathetic.

Now the only thing to hope for in the immediate future is that the Sharks-Oilers go seven.

Here's some fun fan pics from the guys over at Covered in Oil, they've been fun to read this week as they have risen from misery to elation as the Oilers fought back to take a 3-2 lead- my favorite pic is the one about Cheechoo's panties.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

More later-

But for now, your fearless author, towel in hand:

Many thanks to my buddy Ben , who made it all happen.

Friday, May 12, 2006

The goddamn Mighty Ducks.

I haven't been able to watch much of this series, not because of the players, it's just that goddamn name, and that goddamn logo. It's worse than awful, it's offensive. I mean, using corporate logos in the stadiums is bad enough, do we have to blend marketing into the team names too? It's awful, and an embarrassment to the league. The good news is things seem to be changing.

Thanks to new owner Henry Samueli, who bought the team from Disney last year, they are dropping the adjective next season, and they may be changing the logo, but damn- it makes me wish they could have waited until next year to go deep in the playoffs. They're playing good hockey, but it ruins the experience for me when every guy on the team is dressed like the fucking mascot. Take the Carolina Hurricanes logo- it's unimpressive, but still better then having the cartoon face of Stormy the Ice Hog on the front of their shirts. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, the only way the Mighty Ducks could have pulled off that logo would have been to pack their team with goons, and lead the league in hits and fighting majors. People are less likely to criticize a cartoonish logo when there's blood all over it. Kind of a "Boy named Sue" mentality, if you will. Come to think of it, that would have been a better name than the Mighty Ducks: "The Anaheim Boys Named Sue." But don't fret, if early June rolls around and we're seeing grown men hoist the cup wearing jerseys that look like children's pajamas, at least we have this to look forward to.

Still, progress is being made, and I shouldn't bitch so much. OLN has gotten much better at presenting hockey games, actually doing what I've been saying the American national broadcasting companies should have been doing for years- letting the Canadians do it. And the supplementary programming has been better as well- the documentaries and legends of hockey shows have been great, they did an excellent special on the history and travels of the Stanley Cup, and devoted far more airtime to promoting and selling hockey than ESPN or ABC would ever be willing to do.

And as small time as OLN is, walking away from Walt Disney entirely is the best thing possible for the NHL.
A guitar player once told me " We must be vigilant, or we'll all end up working for Disney."
The NHL is a grown up's game.
Fuck the Mouse.

Now the only challenge is asking a bartender if they can put on OLN, and not getting the same look as if you'd asked them to borrow a match so you could light up a fart. Seriously, try it. You'll have better luck asking them to do math.

Either way, the Devils fight for survival tomorrow at the meadowlands, and I'll be there.

Here's hoping it'll be a good game.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Well- I guess I got to watch some hockey after all.

Hokey Smokes!

That Roloson glove save on Thornton and Cheechoo halfway through the second OT was as good and as clutch as any save I've EVER seen.

Oh, and anybody remember this post?

I''ll remind you.

From April 22:

"I love the heart of the Oilers, and Shawn Horcoff might be the most underrated player in the NHL right now, but they're gonna get beat up in a long series." I still believe that, by the way, but wow- what a game. Aww- go ahead and click the link if you didn't- it'll give you a good excuse to watch the Cam Neely video again.

Or if you want another link, here's another guy who's pissed at Shawn Horcoff.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Well, I'm working tonight.

Which sucks, cause it means I won't be able to watch any hockey.

It's maybe not the worst thing, thanks to game three syndrome, but it still would be nice to cheer on the Devils, as I'm going to the game 4 on Saturday, and I'd love to watch the Devils try to tie up the series.

I actually like both the Hurricanes and the Devils, but I'll root for the Devils in their own building, and I'm just excited to see some playoff hockey. I'm a Bruins fan at heart, but it's been a tough playoffs for B's fans, especially for those watching the Oilers-Sharks series, where Sergei Samsonov and Joe Thorton traded goals for their respective clubs. Of course, when I say "those watching" television, I mean, specifically, Jeremy Jacobs, Harry Sinden, Mike O'Connell, Marty Reasoner, Yan Stasny, Brad Stewart, Marco Sturm, Wayne Primeau and me.

I'm just kidding.

There is no fucking way that Jeremy Jacobs was watching hockey.

I suspect he's been inconsolable since Paris was sent packing on American Idol.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Anaheim and Colorado tonight.


I know, I should get excited about this game, what with the shutout record on the line and all, but I'm more than a little depressed about the traffic this site has been getting.

Lemme explain.

Thanks to a recent post in which I wrote about Tim Russert, drunk, shirtless and screaming at a child, along with my multiple mentions of hockey players' names, my site appears prominently on the results pages of 3 odd google searches, one for "Michael Peca Shirtless" and two, count 'em two- for "Eric Staal shirtless."

I've had this problem before, when I did my werewolf blog, a fictional web journal from the perspective of a guy who got bitten by a werewolf- some dude in the comments section wrote something about a site which features graphic pictures of people having sex with animals, and then everybody looking for that came straight to me, and well- let's just say I got some interesting email. You know- the kind that makes you want to smash your harddrive to bits before the feds break down your door. Here's one of my responses to them. You'll note I'm not mentioning the site again, because then I'll have the same problem all over again, only this time it won't just be people googling for bestiality, it will be people looking for a QuickTime movie of a shirtless Michael Peca boning a Saint Bernard.

Well, now I've gone and done it again.

Screw it.

You know, come to think of it, if such a movie existed, I'd post it.

I mean, I wouldn't get off on it or anything, and would definitely add a disclaimer, but lemme tell you, that St. Bernard certainly wouldn't be happy about it's situation. That's a big dog, and would fight like hell, but Peca is such a tenacious little forechecker, I'd imagine he could stay on the back of that pooch longer than most men. It'd be an impressive display of athleticism from both man and beast, is all I'm saying.

Of course, now that I've repeatedly mentioned it, it will only get worse, so I would like to address, if I could- a few of the people who are seeking out shirtless NHL stars.

Hi, Sailor.

How's your search for shirtless NHL stars going?

Not so good I bet.

You know why?

Well, I'd reckon it's because we're talking about a bunch of dudes who have spent most of their natural lives indoors. Sure they're athletes, but if they made the NHL, these are guys who since the age of about 2, have spent a sum total of about 13 days a year not playing hockey, and they do this inside, under a bank of fluorescent lights, and a good two inches of thick padding. Hockey may be dangerous, but the primary concern ain't skin cancer.

You wanna know what Eric Staal and Michael Peca look like without a shirt? Open up a container of fresh tofu, and draw some nipples on it. If that ain't working, maybe you should google yourself up a little gay albino porn, and photoshop the hockey player heads onto the milky torsos.

Now you're in the ballpark.

Anyway, the game starts in a half an hour.

Something tells me I'm gonna be coming up on a whole new level of interesting google searches.

Well, anything's better than having to constantly look up the proper spelling of Bryzgalov.


Monday, May 08, 2006

If this bunny can be tough-

Why not the Mighty Ducks?

In the words of San Jose Sharks captain Patrick Marleau:

"I like whatever brings the meat loaf to the table."

That's right.

Patrick Marleau likes whatever brings the meat loaf to the table, and said so in response to a question asking him if he preferred hitting to scoring.

OK- while I don't really know what the hell he's talking about either- I love this for several reasons:

1) Patrick Marleau is a multi-millionaire, first round draft pick, captain of his team and a leader of men, and here he is talking about Meat Loaf. The man could have, and deserves, filet mignon, but he wants Meat Loaf. Why could this be? Well for one thing, there just ain't a lot of filet mignon in Aneroid, Saskatchewan, the village where Marleau is from. Not to put too fine a point on it, but the website I got Aneroid's population info from is a site called e-podunk.com. Oh, and as for the info itself, as of the year 2001, Aneroid had a population of 56. Not fifty-six thousand- Fifty-six. As in people. Just to put that in perspective, that means that when Patrick Marleau was drafted in 1997 and moved out of Aneroid, the total population dropped by almost 2 percent. If that kind of population dent were to happen in New York City, the San Jose Sharks would need to have stretched their #1 draft pick out to select 160,000 people, or roughly the entire population of the Lower East Side and Chinatown, which would have been stupid, cause none of those people can skate worth a damn.

2) This metaphor is cloudy- at best. I mean- what is the "meat loaf" in this scenario? Is it the Stanley Cup? Is it winning the game or the series? is it just dominating the play? We don't know. And what's in a meat loaf anyway? ground beef? pork? Worcestershire sauce? And where is the "Table" that the loaf is drawn closer too with each of Marleau's big goals or hits? Is it San Jose? The Shark Tank? While I don't know the answer to any of these questions, I know I'm getting hungry.

3) Patrick Marleau, is himself- meat loaf. While this is certainly not what he meant when he said it, the comparison is apt: Both Meat Loaf and Marleau can be accuratley described using the same two words: underrated and awesome. Meat Loaf is a down-home, unpretentious staple of a foodstuff that is great hot, but if you don't want to finish it for dinner, well, throw it between some bread and have a killer sandwich for lunch the next day. The kids might not like it as much as the foods with the flashier packages, but let them cry and wail if they don't get that box of sugar-coated Cheechoos, their mom knows that Meat Loaf is what's for dinner.

4) If I had tickets to the shark tank tonight, I'd buy a package of ground beef and pitch it on the ice for Marleau. Detroit had their octopus , and Mellanby had his Rat Trick, but those times are past, and it's time for a new tradition. So belly up Sharks fans and get ready throw throw some beef- it's time you gave the Captain his meat loaf.

Just make sure it’s still good. They don’t like to waste food in Aneroid.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

The game ones are almost over,

and we have quite a set of goaltending duels on our hands.

And sure, we could crap all over Marty Brodeur on his birthday, but let's remember, the 6 goals he allowed would still have been enough to take either Buffalo or Ottawa to overtime in their game one. And yes, I know- Cam Ward got a shutout, which makes the mean goals-against-average of Ward, Brodeur, Emery and Miller a flabbergastingly shitty 4.75.

So, sure, Marty didn't have his best game, but the Devils had a 15 game winning streak going when they were forced to take a week off becuase of the sweep. Plus, C'mon, everybody else was letting in 6 goals in their game one. This might be the only 6 goal deficit in NHL history that can be chalked up to peer pressure.

I watched the sports double-header of Devils-Canes game and the Kentucky Derby on NBC Sports yesterday in an afternoon of sports they were calling NBC's "Wide World of White People."

More importantly, I'll be playing some hockey today, as my Mighty Squirrels take on Henry Motion at Corlears park in Manhattan. It's a beautiful day for some hockey.
My predicition?

Squirrels by 6

Saturday, May 06, 2006

In the long run-

Hockey doesn't matter.

Sure, the Buffalo Sabres won a game tonight, and so did the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim.

But what of it?

You may have come here for hockey, but that's just it. hockey is awesome, but let's be honest- there's other shit going on.

Earlier today, I went to the Museum of Modern Art, which has free admission on Fridays, and I saw the exhibit on Edward Munch, which dealt with the evolution of the human soul. For those of you who are not familar with Munch, he is most famous for his painting The Scream(now stolen), a work designed to show how dehumanizing the utter horror of the universe can be, an sensation well known by Buffalo sports fans.

Munch, widely considered one of the best Norwegian artists of all time, felt that the modern life of the soul went though many stages- "birth, innocence, love, sexual passion, melancholy, anger, jealousy, despair, anxiety, illness, and death."

I guess what I'm trying to say to you here is that art can do a great many things.

For me, a hockey fan, it brought up the memory of Espen Knutsen, widely considered one of the best Norwegian ice hockey players of all time, but more popularly known as the guy whose deflected shot hit 13-year old Brittanie Cecil, an injury that ultimately resulted in her death.

He retired "due to injury" in 2005.

Don't tell me that guy's soul hasn't gone through the motions.


Maybe I should stick to wisecracks.

Fucking Norwegians, man.

Fucking Norwegians.

Friday, May 05, 2006

There was no hockey last night.

Yep- no hockey at all.

It was like- what was it like?

Oh-I know!


OK, it wasn't that bad. I mean, not only will there be some great hockey on tonight, but there also isn't a piece of crap calling itself a Star Wars movie about to come out, raising my expectations then throwing a glass of hot urine in the face of my childhood memories.

Let's be honest, 2005 sucked.

Lemme put it this way: If you time traveled back to 1991 and told the 17 year old version of me that not only had the Stanley Cup playoffs been cancelled in 2005, but there were three new Star Wars movies out that all totally sucked; well- I'm not sure how I would have reacted.

It wouldn't have been good.

By the time you told me that Ray Bourque had won the Stanley Cup by joining the Quebec Nordiques, (who had since moved to another city and become the best team in the NHL) and that Metallica was in a documentary film where they all went to therapy and just talked about their feelings for two hours, I would have stabbed you in the throat with a ball point pen just to make the lies stop.

And as you used your last breath to gurgle the information that the President's name was STILL George Bush, and we were at war in Iraq AGAIN, I would have grabbed the pen and twisted it, snapping your windpipe and filling it with blood before you could even get to the information that this man had been elected governor of California.

I mean, for fuck's sake- I was a decent kid, but that's a lot to take, all at once like that.

No worries though, I'm OK with all that now.


So- anybody out there also think Buffalo has a chance?

I hate to say it, but I'm kinda...well, rooting for them.

Just don't tell my 1991 self.
He's got a lot on his plate right now.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

The Eastern Conference-

-is all set up for the second round, and with it, down the toilet goes my Stanley Cup prediction.

I couldn't be happier.

Jesus Christ, it's sweet to see the Habs go down, and even sweeter that one of the guys responsible is Glen Wesley, who according to CBS sportsline logged 14:12 of icetime and came out even in the plus-minus.

Yeah, I just linked myself twice, you wanna start something about it?

Still, I don't feel too bad about my call that the Canadiens would win it all, especially seeing as some other people's predictions ( Barry Melrose: Dallas) are far less original and just as wrong. Plus, I hate the Canadiens like poison, and I'm glad to see the French bastards weep. Don Cherry was right- block shots with your body, not your stick.

By the way, I know I'll get sick of mentioning this after a while, but Sportscenter is a useless source for NHL information. I've been watching for 25 minutes, and I've seen clips of John Kruk doing” fact or fiction" about the Detroit Tigers, 3 year old clips of Pedro Martinez tossing Don Zimmer to the turf, (cause it was raining during the Red Sox Yankees), and- I shit you not, an anonymous interview with a Duke Lacrosse player who (Gasp!) says that there was no rape going on. There's a commercial on now for Mission Impossible 3.

One would think that by the time they'd pulled off two "impossible" missions, maybe the third one wouldn't seem quite so daunting?

I guess what I'm saying is, I've been drinking.

It happens people- I worked late, and there you go.

Either way, it's a shame to see the Flyers go out like that, but Buffalo was the better squad from the beginning.

Peter Forsberg is the only thing that made it interesting. It's a shame he left the Avalanche, because the man is a Sasquatch, plain and simple, and that footprint on their shoulder pads might as well be Forsberg's fingerprint. A shaved Yeti with a Five O'clock shadow, pulled from the wilderness, handed a hockey stick and set loose on the rink to dominate, Forsberg was, is and will continue to be the best player in the National Hockey League.

The man could grow a playoff beard between periods, and I'm sorry to see him go.

In terms of predictions for the east, I'll hold off until we watch game seven tomorrow.

Game sevens always have precedence.

Go Flames.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Movie Night!

Hey all-

It looks like I got my Stevie Y tribute in just under the wire, and in terms of past predictions, the only thing I've been off on has been Saku Koivu not coming back for game 5.

But you can't blame him- you come back from an eye injury whan you can see. It's not really a matter of guts. Pretty much at this stage of the playoffs I'm rooting for as many game sevens as possible, and so should you. Still, if you're interested, I found this film of a rare angle of the Koivu eye injury:



OK, sorry about that.

While I'm at it, here's a video my friend Andres did, and I'm in.

I play the guy on the couch and the guy playing cards.

It's funny.

Enjoy, everyone!

Monday, May 01, 2006

First things first.

OK- we've had a few more eliminations yesterday, (Nashville and Dallas) and if I had the chops and the resources, I'd put together a video of the best daggers in the heart from the first round set to the 80's metal classic "Elimination" by Overkill.

Maybe I'll still do that, or at least figure out if my buddy Duben can.

Jesus, that would be sweet.

Why in God's name will no one give me a job in hockey?

I mean, apart from the facts that:

- I've never applied for a job in hockey

- I do not have the slightest inkling as to where I might go to do so

- There aren't any jobs in hockey today that call for my particular skills, namely bringing up interesting, humorous and undeniable facts, like- for example, that Michal Handzus looks like the Bass player from Europe on Human Growth Hormone.

I'm not saying that people wouldn't pay for that, I'm just saying I'm not sure what the proper venue would be for them to enjoy that information.

Come to think of it, maybe you're reading it right now.


But, as the subject of this post indicates, first things first, and I just went off and forgot the most important thing to remember today, and YES- THIS IS IMPORTANT.

If The Oilers eliminate the Detroit Red Wings tonight, and Steve Yzerman does not play, it will mean that the longest serving captain in NHL history, (and a Red Wing his entire career) will have already played his last National Hockey League game, and left without a bit of fanfare, which would be a damn shame.

He was out the past two games with a back injury, and as of this posting, it isn't clear if he will play tonight or not. For a more comprehensive look at what he has done, check him out on Wikipedia or for a less statistical, more emotional look- just watch this- arguably the second greatest goal in National Hockey League history:

So if Stevie Y isn't playing tonight, you should be rooting on the Wings tonight, even if you're a die-hard Oiler fan. If he is playing, watch him. It could be your last chance.

I may not be rooting for the Wings to win another cup, but goddamn if Stevie Y doesn't deserve his curtain call.

Thanks a lot, Steve.

We'll miss you.