I didn't watch the games last night.

OK- I watched the last 10 minutes and OT of the Stars-Avs game.

Good stuff.

I was doing standup comedy last night at the College of New Jersey (Near Trenton, I believe) and I got home late to find my beautiful girlfriend in the middle of watching Ocean's 12 on HBO.

Now even though I haven't seen it, I'm fully aware that Ocean's 12 sucked. I know this because in addition to my tremendously lucrative (read: not that lucrative) career doing comedy one-nighters at lower echelon institutions of higher learning across the United States, I still work one day a week at a video store, and I can smell a crappy sequel a mile away. You can always tell if a sequel to a good movie* is crap by what customers say about it, and here's what they said about Ocean's 12:

Nothing.

Yep, nothing.

When people say absolutely nothing about a sequel, there is generally a very good reason for that. Still, she was casually watching it while doing some tinkering on her computer and that movie is perfect for that. I figured she was happy, and there was no reason I needed to ask her to turn it off just so I could watch all of game two between the Stars and Avalanche. Plus, I've been doing nothing all week but watching playoff hockey, and incessantly yapping about it for about the last month, so I figured that I could relax and not make a big deal out of it. Especially since, you know- I'm gonna want to have a little bit of good will in the bank when the games start getting decisive. As it turned out, she went to bed when the movie was over and I got to watch the OT, which is always awesome.

Which brings me to my point. As hockey fans, we're just now entering that stretch of playoffs where we've seen all the teams, gotten a feel for what the series are going to be like, and are starting to figure out who's gonna roll over (My guess: The Rangers) and who's gonna make a series out of it (I say the 'Canes). Either way, if you're team isn't directly involved, it's kind of boring.

I'm speaking of course, of game three syndrome.

Game three is always the most useless game of any series- if a series is tied 1-1, well- who cares what happens in game three? The winners still have to win two more, and the losers have a chance to tie it up the next night. If a team is up 2-0, again, who cares? Watching a team get a 3-0 lead pretty much means it's over, and if the team with it's back against the wall manages a win, well- OK, I'll tune back in if they force a game 6.

Games one and two are fun just to see the teams get to know each other, and Game 4 is fun because when it's over, either one team will be facing elimination or both teams will be tied with the possibility of a game seven looming.

But game 3?

Fuck it, who cares.

I guess what I'm saying to you loyal American hockey fans is that the game 3's are starting, and if your prospective spouses are not huge hockey fans, give them control of the remote NOW, and let the pendulum swing their way for day or so.

Cause if you don't, and you're a selfish prick about watching game 3 tonight, you just may find that in a few days, your loved one will be sick and tired of watching nothing but hockey. Then, God forbid, on the night of a game seven of a Stanley Cup playoff, the most exciting event in sports, your stupid ass will be sitting on the couch watching Jerry Rice in a pirate shirt doing some kind of fucking step-ball change with a Russian immigrant.

I'm fairly sure you don't want that to happen.

Game 3's start tonight.

Choose wisely.











*Oh c'mon, Ocean's 11 was fun.