Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Anaheim and Colorado tonight.


I know, I should get excited about this game, what with the shutout record on the line and all, but I'm more than a little depressed about the traffic this site has been getting.

Lemme explain.

Thanks to a recent post in which I wrote about Tim Russert, drunk, shirtless and screaming at a child, along with my multiple mentions of hockey players' names, my site appears prominently on the results pages of 3 odd google searches, one for "Michael Peca Shirtless" and two, count 'em two- for "Eric Staal shirtless."

I've had this problem before, when I did my werewolf blog, a fictional web journal from the perspective of a guy who got bitten by a werewolf- some dude in the comments section wrote something about a site which features graphic pictures of people having sex with animals, and then everybody looking for that came straight to me, and well- let's just say I got some interesting email. You know- the kind that makes you want to smash your harddrive to bits before the feds break down your door. Here's one of my responses to them. You'll note I'm not mentioning the site again, because then I'll have the same problem all over again, only this time it won't just be people googling for bestiality, it will be people looking for a QuickTime movie of a shirtless Michael Peca boning a Saint Bernard.

Well, now I've gone and done it again.

Screw it.

You know, come to think of it, if such a movie existed, I'd post it.

I mean, I wouldn't get off on it or anything, and would definitely add a disclaimer, but lemme tell you, that St. Bernard certainly wouldn't be happy about it's situation. That's a big dog, and would fight like hell, but Peca is such a tenacious little forechecker, I'd imagine he could stay on the back of that pooch longer than most men. It'd be an impressive display of athleticism from both man and beast, is all I'm saying.

Of course, now that I've repeatedly mentioned it, it will only get worse, so I would like to address, if I could- a few of the people who are seeking out shirtless NHL stars.

Hi, Sailor.

How's your search for shirtless NHL stars going?

Not so good I bet.

You know why?

Well, I'd reckon it's because we're talking about a bunch of dudes who have spent most of their natural lives indoors. Sure they're athletes, but if they made the NHL, these are guys who since the age of about 2, have spent a sum total of about 13 days a year not playing hockey, and they do this inside, under a bank of fluorescent lights, and a good two inches of thick padding. Hockey may be dangerous, but the primary concern ain't skin cancer.

You wanna know what Eric Staal and Michael Peca look like without a shirt? Open up a container of fresh tofu, and draw some nipples on it. If that ain't working, maybe you should google yourself up a little gay albino porn, and photoshop the hockey player heads onto the milky torsos.

Now you're in the ballpark.

Anyway, the game starts in a half an hour.

Something tells me I'm gonna be coming up on a whole new level of interesting google searches.

Well, anything's better than having to constantly look up the proper spelling of Bryzgalov.



Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

Very pretty design! Keep up the good work. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

damn you google. what i was looking for was shirtless pictures of jagr!