Lauren Pronger is busting OUT!

(LATEST UPDATE 11/28/06: Click here for Ritch's prediction for Pronger's return to Edmonton!)



Yeah, you heard me.

I got about 200 hits before lunchtime this morning, all thanks to a post I wrote last month making fun of the flurry of rumors surrounding Chris Pronger, his wife, and- (well, I wasn't going to repeat it, but screw it), that TV reporter chick he supposedly knocked up.

The whole rumor was kind of stupid, but it had to do with both sex and an NHL all star, which in Edmonton is better than, well- it's the best thing they have going out there. I mean, not to knock Edmonton, I'm sure it's a swell town, but once you've seen a game and taken a picture in front of the Gretzky statue, what are you doing all day? I'll tell you, if I lived up there, I'd probably be obsessing about Chris Pronger and his various "Prongees" as well. And yeah, I know that's a crass thing to say, but just imagine what I could have written if this had happened to Fernando Pisani.

Maybe it's just indicative of the fact that there really is nothing going on in the hockey world right now, but ever since I wrote that post I've been getting a steady stream of visitors, all through various search engines. But the floodgates broke this morning when a hockey columnist in Saint Louis wrote this:

"But there was plenty of amateur rumor mongering after Pronger abruptly requested a trade from the Edmonton Oilers this summer. When you do a Google search on his wife, Lauren Pronger, you come up with some curious stuff. "

Anybody curious exactly what you get?

Well, you get me, St. Louis.

How's it going, assholes?

And while I have you here, how's that whole hire a blowhard announcer for a GM thing going for you? By the way, there are two words that separate you guys from being the most baffling GM decision made this off-season, and those two words are "Garth" and "Snow."

Oh yeah, any new updates on that fake blog that was intended to look like it was written by fans but was really created by an ad agency?

Oh, and one more thing- is it true that if you press your ear against the St Louis Arch during the hockey offseason, you can hear Keith Tkachuck eating?

Get back to me when you can on these important issues.

Still, the only thing that makes me really sad about this whole mess is that it has distracted the hockey community from the stories that are truly important, like Health Magazine naming Dominic Hasek's "Dominator Spirit Pant" the Best Fitness Pant of 2006.



Congratulations on that Spirit Pant, there Dom.

Oh, and your one year deal with the Wings.

But mostly the Spirit pant.

Nice job, buddy.

WOW!

Get on over to Vancouver Canucks Op Ed.

She's hockey blogging for charity.

Go there and give her some money.

I mean, Christ.

I haven't been posting too frequently of late, frankly because there isn't anything going on in hockey right now, and to force the issue seems a little pathetic. But still, I figure I need to post at least one a week, so- I figure, what the hell? And I churn out my 'Miami Vice' entry.

I'm thinking, yeah man- fuck....why not? It's mid summer, we're all having fun here out by the pool!

Let's bust a movie star's balls!

I'm having a great time, I look on the sitemeter and-

-BOOM-

Vancouver Canucks Op Ed
is blogging for starving kids or something.

I mean, Christ.

Really?

Damn.

Still, I do believe that Colin Farrell, in the movie Miami Vice, looked like the love child of Burt Lahr as the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz, and Patrick Swayze in Road House.



You heard me.

If the Cowardly fucking Lion leapt out of the underbrush and ass-raped Patrick Swayze's character from Road House, and through some unholy magic, caused an ass-pregnancy in the newly created womb of Swayze- then that child, that combination of man, beast, hairspray and latex chin skin makeup would emerge from Swayze's dripping gash and grow to be-

Yes,

Colin Farrell in Miami Vice.

I mean, look at this motherfucker:



Are you kidding me?


But, um- yeah- Vancouver Canucks Op Ed
is raising some money.

I'm ashamed of myself.

So give Vancouver Canucks Op Ed
some money.

Pronto, OK?

A few thoughts on the Miami Vice movie, which will come back around to hockey at the end

Hi all.

I just got back from watching the new Miami Vice remake, and- it's not bad, for a summer shoot-em up. I'll tell ya, that Michael Mann knows how to film a dude getting shot.

Still, though- Colin Farrell, man- that guy is the worst. Look at this picture of him from the film:



I mean, for God's sake.

I'd be enjoying the movie, digging on a bit of witty repartee and stylized violence from Tubbs and some blonde paramilitary cop chick, when all of a sudden, this blob of anti-charisma would lumber onscreen, and I'd think-"OK- so what exactly does that hot Asian chick see in this lead singer from a Ratt cover band?" Or, maybe, "Boy! That overweight used car dealer from Buffalo sure seems to have a fast speedboat!" I mean, he's sporting some bad hair and a bad mustache right there. And don't tell me it was set in the 80's, cause they were all over the high tech cell phones.

But honestly, if you're not making a comedy, should Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice really look like The Paul Rudd character from Anchorman? I guess what I'm saying is look at these pictures of people with similar hair as Colin Farrell, under which I have placed some actual dialogue delivered by Farrell in the movie, and you decide if this should have been a drama or a comedy.







"“I'’m a fiend for mojitos"








"Do you understand the meaning of the word 'foreboding', as in badness is happening right now? "







"Probability is like gravity. And you can't argue with gravity."






I told you it would come back around to hockey.

Cut me some slack, we're in late July over here.

Ask Tie Domi

OK- so by this time, we all know that Tie Domi has been bought out of his contract by the Maple Leafs, and in all likelihood, will not be picked up by another team. We'll see. And while he's no Steve Yzerman, I'm sad to see him go for what he has been for the game. He's the kind of guy who I'm tempted to say "love him or hate him," but to be honest, I can't think of anybody who hates him.

OK, other than, say- John Kordic, who I single out here for being the recipient of Domi's wrath in this short clip that allows us to ask the question: "How many solid, unblocked shots to the face do you think one man can land in less than 12 seconds?"



I counted at least seven, and fell even deeper in love with YouTube.

OK- even if you hated him, I bet you'd admit that you at least loved to hate him, and hockey, more than almost any other sport, is best enjoyed with a villain or two.

So here's to Tie Domi.

C'mon! look at the little fella!



Anyway, I was perusing his website today, (where I found the Santa hat pictures) when I came across this Tie Domi FAQ (Frequently asked questions) section. Apparently, he likes Italian food and his favorite band is the Eagles.

Am I crazy, or are these nowhere near the kinds of questions that you would like to see Tie Domi answer?

I've complied a list of questions that I would be more interested in seeing Tie answer, but as I'm fairly sure they won't be asked very frequently, I've included my own answers.

ASK TIE DOMI:

Question#1: Dear Tie, who do you think would win in a fight between you and a Lion?

My answer: The Lion.

It would attack you, tear you up with its claws, and then devour you in messy chunks. Still, you'd get some shots in, and let's be honest, Donald Brashear wouldn't fare much better. It definitely wouldn't be the Lion's easiest day. I do think that you could kick a leopard's ass though.

Question#2: Who do you think would win in a fight between you and a Lion with no claws or teeth?

My answer: You.

The Lion would pounce on you, and try to bite, but just end up gumming that bullet-shaped head of yours for a while. It would be sloppy work, but that's when you would start working the Lion's ribs with a series of devastating lefts and rights. The Lion would eventually relent, and you'd have a beer together. Or, you'd have a beer, and the Lion would have a tall glass of finely pureed gazelle meat.

Question #3: Who do you think would win in a fight between you and a Lion with teeth but no claws?

My answer: A toss up. This could be the greatest fight in recorded history. It would come down to diet and training on both sides. Honestly, I feel that the Lion could sink his teeth at least 2 inches into your head, and I still wouldn't count you out. It would be epic.

Question #4: Is it true that your skeleton is laced with Adamantium, the strongest metal ever forged?

My answer: No

Just because you are small, hairy, Canadian and fierce does not necessarily mean that you were transformed into a crazed assassin with retractable claws in your wrists by the government, and driven half mad with bloodlust before coming to stay at Professor Xavier's school for gifted youngsters. But if you had been, you would have been really, really good at it.

Question #5: Really? The Eagles? I mean, goddamnit, man- the fucking Eagles? Really?

Answer: (sigh) Yeah, probably.

Garth Snow is the GM of the Islanders.

OK- I know that this is kind of old news, it was announced a few days ago, but I guess after I jumped the gun on the announcement that Phil Kessel was going back to play in Minnesota, I've been kind of sitting around waiting for an official press release reading something like this:

PRESS RELEASE

ISLANDERS OWNERSHIP BUSTS OUT LAUGHING ABOUT FALSE GM RUMOR; "OF COURSE WE WERE JUST FUCKIN' WITH YOU!"

7/21/2006- Managing owner of the New York Islanders approached a podium for his weekly address to the media this afternoon and toppled over in a fit of "the giggles" after being barraged with questions about former backup goaltender Garth Snow being named General Manager of the club this week. "Garth Snow?! The GM? Of course we were just fuckin' with you! We've been fucking with Islander fans for years! I mean, show of hands- how many here actually thought my real name was Wang?!"

And so, the second largest practical joke ever foisted on the fans and followers of the National Hockey League came to an end after Doug Peterson, the Islanders owner who had apparently been telling reporters for years now that he was named "Charles Wang" stood giggling like an idiot on a podium. "Yeah- sure that was my name. Hi, I'm Mister Charles Wang, and this my assistant, Chubby McBallsack!"

The assembled throng of reporters waited politely as the owner formerly known as Wang continued to guffaw at his own joke.

"I mean, I thought it was funny enough when I started calling myself Wang, but none of you got it, so I put the Gorton's fisherman on the jerseys!" When nobody got that, I hired a GM who was best known for beating a fan with his own shoe, and traded Bertuzzi and McCabe for Linden! Can you imagine?! We were pissing our pants at that one, but again, nobody laughed! So we sent Zdeno Chara and a number one pick that would become Jason Spezza to Ottawa for Alexei Yashin. And you thought we were serious?! When we shipped out Luongo and Jokinen for Parrish and Kvasha I was sure SOMEBODY would get that we were fucking with you, but no! Anyway, I figured screw it, why don't we tell them that the new GM is...hold on wait for it...Garth Snow! I mean, Christ- he isn't even that good at playing hockey! We were practically dying with laughter up here. But yeah- it's a joke. So- we're sorry."

As the flashbulbs popped off in Peterson's face, he giggled some more, and took a sip of water.

"Christ," he moaned, "my fucking sides hurt over here- can somebody hand me a towel?"

Of course, the first largest practical joke in NHL history wrapped up several months ago, when Anaheim Mighty Ducks officially dropped the "Mighty," and removed the Donald Duck logo from their jerseys, saying (rather similarly) "What- we were going to name an NHL franchise after an Emilio Estevez movie? Of course we were fuckin' with you!"

And indeed they were.


Contact:

Ritch Duncan
Rduncan357@gmail.com
(234) 578-9152477

Source: Syndicated News, Inc.

The hottest hockey ticket of 2006-07.

Golden Gophers hockey.

They'll have #1 overall pick Eric Johnson (St. Louis) and #5 overall pick Phil Kessel (Boston Bruins) both returning to play for the University of Minnesota. Johnson is old news, but the Minneapolis Star Tribune ran a story about Kessel's decision yesterday, and the Boston Globe picked it up today. Scroll down, it's in there.

Christ, if there was ever a time to get into college hockey, this is it.

UPDATE: It seems that Kessel's situation is still unclear - the Star Tribune jumped the gun. Click the link for the full story from the Globe. I'll tell you, if you're in doubt about a hockey rumor, go with DuPont's version. I get the sense he's a bit of a prick, but the real deal, certainly.

Hey "Versus" network- (I still can't get used to that name, and wrote about it here.) are you listening?

Cause if you really "believe in hockey," you should know that any respectable hockey fan would LOVE to see Kessel and Johnson playing together. And you think the opposition won't be up for it? Anybody know how to get tickets? Drop me a line, cause I wanna go.

Oh, and if there are people from "Versus" watching this, do us all a favor and check out this . It's Sportsnet Canada's list of games to watch for this season. Now, I know that your ratings get a little boost when you show big market games like the Rangers playing Philly, but real hockey fans would much rather see a game like the 'Canes home opener against Buffalo on October 4th. The rematch of game seven of the Eastern Conference final is the game everybody wants to see, and there's sure to be a surly contingent of Sabres fans making the trip. Remember, Sabres fans hate Hurricanes more than the entire city of New Orleans.

On the other side of things, you might never see a more effusive lovefest for a returning/visiting player than on January 7th when Todd Bertuzzi returns to Vancouver as a member of the Florida Panthers. It will be a wonderful display of affection marred only by an incident in which, and you heard it here first, Bertuzzi will break Markus Naslund's neck.

Talk about awkward.

While the crowd reaction will be anybody's guess on December 9th when Zdeno Chara returns to Ottawa in a Bruins sweater, The Edmonton crowd reaction will be a bit easier to predict on November 28th when Chris Pronger comes back. I'll go ahead and assume Lauren will be staying in Anaheim for that one. The mightiest ducks of all will be shown off by Pronger, who'll be ducking questions like crazy at the post-game press conference. And yes, please show us the press conference.

A few others that aren't on the list:

Nov 2: NY Rangers at San Jose Sharks
Jagr and Thornton, who battled over the scoring lead and the Hart trophy all season face off for the only time next season, in a battle of the big men. Yes, they both choke in the playoffs, but THIS ISN'T THE PLAYOFFS.
Should be a good one.

October 18th: Canadiens at Blackhawks:
OK- I know, but c'mon! Original six! Plus, the Hawks added Havlat and Smolinski, you never see the Blackhawks on TV anymore, and if the Hawks were good this year, it'd be fun to see it early. Plus, Mike Ribeiro is back with the Canadiens, and I love to root for somebody to punch that guy in the mouth. Seriously, what a little weasel. I hate the Canadiens. I even wrote about it once. Thank God my prediction was wrong.

Multiple dates: Colorado Avalanche at (anywhere)

These will not be as interesting for the games themselves, but just to see if while the Avs are on the road, goalie Jose Theodore stays at the Hilton.
(snicker, snicker)

Am I missing anything?

Probably.

Oh, but seriously, I want Golden Gopher tickets.

Tell me how.

Nuff said.

Only 6 months 'till Christmas!

And here it is, fresh from eBay, the Clint Marlarchuk severed throat action figure!



Thanks to Jack for the find.

And while I'm sharing things, I found this on the stinging nettle:

Look-it's the 1980's Wendy's Grill Tutorial Rap!



Or for some entertainment you can laugh a little more with than at, check out my buddy Ben's new animation project Unleashed .

Funny, short, bite-sized cartoons.

Who has a problem with that?

They have nothing to do with hockey, but I'll tell you, after that Malarchuk doll, I owe you guys exactly dick.

Enjoy the week, people.

Top 40

So- have you ever been to the Battle of California blog?

It's devoted to the rivalries between the Ducks, Sharks and Kings, and is a fun read. Anyway, this kid James, who's one of the authors of that site, left a comment yesterday saying I'm hilarious, so I immediately visited his site to see what else this man of obvious wisdom and good taste had to offer.

He had some good stuff today about what San Jose got out of the Havlat deal, which they were involved in along with Chicago and Ottawa. But before I knew it, thanks to a link he had in another post that mentioned Chris Pronger, I found myself back on the site where pretty much anybody who fancies themselves a humorous sportswriter ends up eventually, the Bill Simmons page at ESPN's Page 2. As far as cracking wise about sports goes, it seems his career is pretty much the pinnacle, in that he's funny, knows his shit, and people actually read him.

Anyway, he had a column up there about the 40 best valued players in the NBA, which to me, was sobering, as I am so willfully ignorant about basketball that reading the boldface names listed on the front page of the article was an experience somewhat akin to perusing an online generator of baby names. I mean, they were perfectly nice names, I guess, but they meant absolutely nothing to me.

Here are the first few names I saw:

Al Jefferson:

You know who that is? I sure don't. He sounds like a plumber to me. Like the kind of guy who would answer his phone at work by saying "Jeffersons, this is Al. "

Zach Randolph:

Again, a total fucking blank. If I was pressed on this name in say, a quiz show environment, I might say that he was the actor who played the lead in Gremlins. OK I just looked it up on IMBD, and that was Zach Galligan. The point I'm making is, basketball is not my game.

Still, as Bill Simmons is pretty much the man when it comes to this online funny sports writing thing I'm doing, I thought It might behoove me to at least try to test my ability to do what he does. Of course, I don't know anything about basketball, so I thought I'd be upfront about it.

And so, without any further ado:

THE AMERICAN HOCKEY FAN PRESENTS:

The Top 40 players in the NBA (in that that I have heard of them):

(NOTE: this list is being done without googling these guys or referring back to Simmons or any column. I'm going from memory here, and will do my damndest to get all the way to 40. Let's see how it goes!)

1) Allen Iverson- I liked him. I like the small guys. His nickname is A.I. which is also an awful Steven Spielberg movie. If there were a guy in the NBA whose nickname was "Hook" I'd probably remember him too.

2)Ben Wallace-Huge dude, huge afro. Can you dig it? I can.

3)Paul Pierce- He's on the Celtics and is good, but not good enough right?

4)Antoine Walker-He was on the Celtics, and then wasn't, then was again, then wasn't. Where is he now? I dunno. Eating something, is my guess. He was a heavy man.

5)Vince Carter- He was on the Raptors, and then maybe the Knicks? I dunno. He used to be pretty good at dunking.

6)Shaquille O Neal- Duh. Shaq Fu. I don't believe it took me this long to come up with this one.

7)Dwayne Wade- yeah, little guy on Shaq's team, kinda awesome I think. Did he play with a cold? I think so.

8) Bill Bradley- Presidential candidate. Was on the Knicks once. Can you tell we're getting near the bottom of my knowledge? (Ok- I'll admit, guys who have retired don't count.) I'll do 8 again.

8) Isn't there a European guy named "Shinobly" or something? Yeah- it's like "Chertoff Chinobly?" Something like that. Well, that guy. You know who I mean.

9) Does Vlade Divac (pronounced Dee-Vatch) still play? How about him? Fuck it, I'm counting him.

10) Tim Duncan! Has my last name. Almost forgot about that guy. Looks like the Snuggle bear. You know, from the commercials? I'm right about that.

11) How about David Robinson- he still in the league? I know him too.

12) Alright, now I'm just trying to run through the cast of the movie Space Jam, and I think those dudes are all retired. Lemme see. Uh- fuck. 40 is a lot of guys. I'm tempted to ask my girlfriend. No- no I won't, I'm standing firm. Think, Duncan, think. Who else is in the NBA? WAIT! What's that dude in Minnesota? Kevin Garnett? Is that right? Cool. Kevin Garnett. He's tall.

13) OK- There's Kevin Garnett, and that made me think there might be a guy who has a segmented nickname, like A-rod. Wait- that just made me think of a long name. Stodimeire? There's a guy named Stodimire, right? Is first name is exotic, I'm pretty pure, something like "Amare." Yeah- Amare Stodimeyer. Maybe. I'm going with that.

14) OK- only 27 more. Only 27 more, and the only thing I can think of is Manute Bol. Fuck. I'm out.


Oh well.

Lemme restate the premise, clean up and republish- here goes:

THE AMERICAN HOCKEY FAN PRESENTS:

THE TOP 13 PLAYERS IN THE NBA!

1) Allen Iverson
2) Ben Wallace
3) Paul Pierce
4) Antoine Walker
5) Vince Carter
6) Shaquille O Neal
7) Dwayne Wade
8) Chertoff Shinobly
9) Vlade Divac
10) Tim Duncan
11) David Robinson
12) Kevin Garnett.
13) Amare Stodimeyer.


Fuck it, I'm sticking to hockey.

And don't even get me started on this World Cup bullshit.

Glen Sather's off the wagon.

Well, how long did he last?

How many long months, how many meetings did he attend?

I can see it now:

INT: A church basement, New York, NY sometime in late 2005. Pictures of Bill Guerinon the Stars, Marty Lapointe on the Bruins and Sergei Federov on the Ducks cover the walls with the slogan "DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!" A crowd of overweight, whitehaired Canadians are assembled in wooden folding chairs. GLEN SATHER, GM of the New York Rangers approaches the podium, clears his throat and begins to speak.

GLEN SATHER: "Hi- I'm Glen, and I'm a free agent-a-holic"

ASSEMBLED GM'S: "HI, GLEN"!

GLEN SATHER: I Don't know how it started, I mean, I used to be with the Edmonton Oliers in the 1980's, and I mean- we just couldn't lose.Those players, that squad- they had to put it in their own net to lose cups. I had them once, and when it ended, I needed to get the team back together. I needed it. I got to New York, and once I saw how pretty Messier looked in Ranger blue... and that all it took was money, not even MY money, well- I, I just had to have them. All of them.
(Sobs are heard from the audience. Sather pauses as several GM's attend to a visibly distraught Bobby Clarke)

BOBBY CLARKE: I know. I know...(inaudible as sobs increase)

But I got better. I hit bottom, we locked out the players, got the financial setup we wanted, actually a financial system better than we could even have dreamed. I kept a star player and surrounded him with youth and members of his home country. And now, coming up on the Olympic break, it seems the Rangers are approaching respectability. Of course, both myself and this organization could never have gotten to this point without the help and support of both my higher power, my sponsor and the wisdom I gain from these meetings.

ASSEMBLED GM'S: KEEP COMING!

GLEN SATHER: Thank you. Thank you all. One day at a time.

FLASH FORWARD TO JULY, 2006. SATHER IS IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION, WATCHING A REPEATED LOOP OF ZDENO CHARA PULLING ON A BRUINS JERSEY. HIS HANDS ARE SHAKING. HE TAKES A LARGE DRINKING GLASS OFF THE SHELF, AND FILLS IT TO THE TOP WITH SCOTCH, WHICH HE HANDILY DRAINS. HE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS.

GLEN SATHER: Hi- Is this Brendon Shanahan? Glen Sather- New York Rangers. Do I have an deal for you....

The REAL Chris Pronger rumors!

(LATEST UPDATE 11/28/06: Click here for Ritch's prediction for Pronger's return to Edmonton!)



OK- you've heard the rumor, right?

In case you're still in the dark about this, there has been quite a bit of speculation on the internet of late about the Chris Pronger trade, as a particularly salacious and sexual rumor has surfaced over the past few days. As all parties involved have denied it, it's fair to say that the matter is closed, and I'll refrain from mentioning any names or details of this particular rumor.

What I can do is share with you several other rumors I've heard that have not as yet been denied by either the Pronger family or those directly involved.

The truth is out there...


(UPDATE 7/31/06: Click here to see AHF's latest on the Lauren Pronger saga: Lauren Pronger is Busting OUT! )

RUMOR #1

Last fall, Chris Pronger's wife Lauren was surprised and thrilled when she got a phone call from the pop star Phil Collins offering her a front row ticket for his upcoming concert at Rexall place in Edmonton. As both of the Prongers are huge fans of the Academy Award winning song You'll be in My Heart , from the animated smash Tarzan, they graciously accepted. Then, at the show, when Phil went into his 1981 hit "In the Air Tonight" he not only sang it directly to Pronger's wife, but a harsh, bright spotlight blasted her while Phil crooned the lyrics: "I was there and I know what you did." Mortified, Pronger's wife demands a trade from Edmonton.

RUMOR #2

Before game one of this year's Stanley Cup finals, Lauren Pronger found herself without a ticket to one of the biggest games of her husband's life. Not wanting to break her husband's concentration by bothering him with a ticket request, she burst into tears on the way out of the Oilers practice facility. Her breakdown was noticed by Oilers backup goaltender Ty Conklin, who tried to cheer her up by saying he had always liked the SUV she drove. Lauren told Ty the whole story and they came up with a plan. Lauren would dress up in Conklin's helmet and pads, as there was practically no chance he would play that night with starting goaltender Dwayne Roloson en route to an MVP performance. She would watch the game undetected from the bench, and in exchange, would give him her SUV. After agreeing to the deal, Lauren threw her car keys to Conklin, who mishandled and dropped them. All went as planned until late in the final period, when the unthinkable happened. Roloson suffered a series-ending knee injury in a collision, and was replaced by Lauren Pronger in Conklin's uniform. With 32 seconds to go in regulation, Lauren misplayed the puck, and Rod Brind'Amour easily jammed it in for the win. Embarrassed by not only the fact that she had cost her husband and the Oilers the game, but also that anyone as ugly as Brind'Amour had ever actually scored with her, Lauren demanded her husband be traded. As a postscript, Ty Conklin was so embarrassed that he asked to go somewhere where "he would never be seen again." He settled for the Columbus Blue Jackets.

RUMOR #3

Lauren demanded her husband be traded to America after the following email was intercepted by a Federal Fraud Investigator in Canada:

FROM:
LAUREN PRONGER
Edmonton, Alberta
FAX NO: xxx x xxxxxxx

ATTN.: THE MANAGING DIRECTOR / C. E. O.

REQUEST FOR URGENT (CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP OF THE TRANSFER OF US $45,560,000.00 (FORTY FIVE MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED AND SIXTY THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY).

I hope this letter will not embarrass you since we have not had any previous communication. My name is Lauren Pronger and I am the wife of the NHL superstar Chris Pronger. I got your reference from your country's trade department under private enquiry that is not related to my aim of writing you this letter and went further to have it confirmed by the Canadian Exports Promotion Council (CEPC).

We as holders of official positions in various player's wives committees, discovered some contracts that were grossly over-invoiced, either by omission or commission. Also we discovered that the sum of $65,560,000.00 (Sixty-Five Million, Five Hundred and Sixty Thousand United States Dollars Only) was lying in a suspense account, although the American contractors were fully paid their entitlements after executing the said contracts. We all agreed that the over-invoiced amount be transferred (for our own use) into a bank account provided by a foreign partner, as the code of conduct of the Federal Civil Service does not allow us to operate foreign accounts.

We are therefore seeking your assistance based on the balance amount of US$45.560M, which can be speedily processed and fully remitted into your nominated bank account. On successful remittance of the fund into your account, you will be compensated with 25% of the amount for assistance and services and 5% set aside for expenses contingency.

This transaction is closely knitted and in view of our SENSITIVE POSITION we cannot afford a slip, I assure you that this transaction is 100% risk free. I am at your disposition to entertain any question(s) from you in respect of this transaction, so contact me immediately through the above private e-mail addresses and fax number. Please note that the DEAL needs utmost confidentiality and your immediate response will be highly appreciated and we will use our own share of the money to establish a lucrative business in your country.

Please you should contact me immediately with your private fax and telephone numbers where further details in respect to this transaction would be sent. Please you can also contact me on yahoo at XXXXX.

Yours truly,
LAUREN PRONGER

Obviously, she had to skip town.


RUMOR #4
She's a spoiled rich chick married to a professional athlete and would rather be living in California, where it's sunny and nice, than Edmonton, where it's cold and shitty.


Actually, you know what citizens of Edmonton?
Forget that that last one, that's WAY too far fetched.

I'm gonna go with the Phil Collins thing.

So long screwy, see you in St. Louis!

There's a little vintage Bugs Bunny for you, and it's all for John Davidson.

We all know John Davidson, right?

Recently named president of the St. Louis Blues, Former NHL broadcaster, Rangers color-man, ceaseless yammerer of the whatever the NHL or MSG company line happens to be at the time?

Yeah- you know, JD!

John Davidson is "The "Good ol' Charlie Brown" of the NHL, in that millions of people seem to enjoy him despite the fact that he's an obvious blockhead. I wanted to pull my hair out watching him blather on during the first three months of the post-lockout NHL season, talking about how great the officiating was, how fantastic all the penalties were, and how the NHL would "fix itself" as the players would just "simply have to learn to not clutch and grab as much."

And while I realize that the NHL had problems and the rule changes were good in the long run, I never got the feeling that Davidson was telling me what he really felt. Whenever he opened his mouth, I felt like he was reading a press release sent out by the league to "sell the game." Which is a noble ideal, but it's not talking points that are going to sell hockey. It's passion, and sorry, but JD never had it.

At any rate, As thrilled as I am to not have to listen to him on television this year, I feel bad for Blues fans, as in the three days since he's been back, he's been hard at work re-assembling the top line of the disastrous 2006 USA Olympic Hockey team.

Tkachuk he's stuck with, but Doug Weight and Bill Guerin?

Really, JD?

I mean, sure- they have been good in the past, but Weight is old, injured and has a history of choking in the clutch. Guerin is also getting old, and yeah, I loved the guy to death when he was on the Bruins, but the cold fact of that situation is, he scored a lot of goals when Joe Thornton was passing him the puck then scored considerably less goals when Mike Modano was doing it. Not to be a dick about it, but I don't see that trend turning around for him with Dallas Drake. I still love Guerin, and wish he had stayed with the Bruins, been the captain of the team, and let Joe be Joe. But he took the money, went to Dallas, and got hurt when, as my brother likes to say, he put on a pair of baggy shorts and his wallet swung around and hit him in the thigh.

So now Davidson is taking members of Team USA, but not the 1980 squad,who made us believe in miracles, but the 2006 one, who made us doubt even modest expectations. In my opinion, Davidson is trying the same technique with Tkachuk and the Blues that worked successfully with Jagr and the Rangers last year. Take an ass-awful team with a fat, lazy superstar, surround him with his countrymen, and watch the chemistry bloom! Of course, Jagr won a gold medal with the Czech team, and when he tries, is one of the best players in the world. The only thing these oldtimers from Team USA have successfully defeated has been the furniture in a hotel room of the Olympic village.

It's just a matter of time before this idiot signs Brian Leetch.

OK- I jumped the gun there a little on that last one.

But you gotta admit, signing Chara is HUGE.

Figuratively and literally.

I saw him play the Rangers this year, and the guy is literally a monster. I mean, we're talking about a guy who can smash people like kindling, forecheck from the defensive zone, log 25 minutes a night and still find time to answer the door for the Addams family.

Seriously, I looked at his scouting report, and the only weaknesses were listed as follows:

1) Fire

2) A blinding, all consuming rage at his creator, who he perceived had brought him into this world alone.

The Rangers were able to beat him, as it turned out by getting together all of the Czech players on the team, forming an angry mob, and chasing him to an abandoned windmill which they then set on fire.

Marc Savard seems to be a coup as well, and I gotta say, with Donovan rounding out the checking line with Primeau and Axelsson, and the Bergeron-Boyes-Sturm unit still strong, it looks like the B's might be able to roll three lines again.

Still, there are three question marks with the Bruins.

1) Can Glen Murray start scoring again with Savard passing him the puck?
2) Who is playing left wing on that line? (ie: who will be the next Mike Knuble?)
3) Will new coach Dave Stewart's fiendish plan to re-animate freshly dead body parts of deceased prostitutes into a "Bride of Chara" be an effective motivating tool?

And here I thought there would be nothing to write about.

Still, before you get too excited B's fans, let's remember- everybody thought Pittsburgh was going to the cup last year.

Free agents do not equal chemistry.

Chara!

Wait.



Something's not right here...