Friday, July 07, 2006

The REAL Chris Pronger rumors!

(LATEST UPDATE 11/28/06: Click here for Ritch's prediction for Pronger's return to Edmonton!)

OK- you've heard the rumor, right?

In case you're still in the dark about this, there has been quite a bit of speculation on the internet of late about the Chris Pronger trade, as a particularly salacious and sexual rumor has surfaced over the past few days. As all parties involved have denied it, it's fair to say that the matter is closed, and I'll refrain from mentioning any names or details of this particular rumor.

What I can do is share with you several other rumors I've heard that have not as yet been denied by either the Pronger family or those directly involved.

The truth is out there...

(UPDATE 7/31/06: Click here to see AHF's latest on the Lauren Pronger saga: Lauren Pronger is Busting OUT! )


Last fall, Chris Pronger's wife Lauren was surprised and thrilled when she got a phone call from the pop star Phil Collins offering her a front row ticket for his upcoming concert at Rexall place in Edmonton. As both of the Prongers are huge fans of the Academy Award winning song You'll be in My Heart , from the animated smash Tarzan, they graciously accepted. Then, at the show, when Phil went into his 1981 hit "In the Air Tonight" he not only sang it directly to Pronger's wife, but a harsh, bright spotlight blasted her while Phil crooned the lyrics: "I was there and I know what you did." Mortified, Pronger's wife demands a trade from Edmonton.


Before game one of this year's Stanley Cup finals, Lauren Pronger found herself without a ticket to one of the biggest games of her husband's life. Not wanting to break her husband's concentration by bothering him with a ticket request, she burst into tears on the way out of the Oilers practice facility. Her breakdown was noticed by Oilers backup goaltender Ty Conklin, who tried to cheer her up by saying he had always liked the SUV she drove. Lauren told Ty the whole story and they came up with a plan. Lauren would dress up in Conklin's helmet and pads, as there was practically no chance he would play that night with starting goaltender Dwayne Roloson en route to an MVP performance. She would watch the game undetected from the bench, and in exchange, would give him her SUV. After agreeing to the deal, Lauren threw her car keys to Conklin, who mishandled and dropped them. All went as planned until late in the final period, when the unthinkable happened. Roloson suffered a series-ending knee injury in a collision, and was replaced by Lauren Pronger in Conklin's uniform. With 32 seconds to go in regulation, Lauren misplayed the puck, and Rod Brind'Amour easily jammed it in for the win. Embarrassed by not only the fact that she had cost her husband and the Oilers the game, but also that anyone as ugly as Brind'Amour had ever actually scored with her, Lauren demanded her husband be traded. As a postscript, Ty Conklin was so embarrassed that he asked to go somewhere where "he would never be seen again." He settled for the Columbus Blue Jackets.


Lauren demanded her husband be traded to America after the following email was intercepted by a Federal Fraud Investigator in Canada:

Edmonton, Alberta
FAX NO: xxx x xxxxxxx



I hope this letter will not embarrass you since we have not had any previous communication. My name is Lauren Pronger and I am the wife of the NHL superstar Chris Pronger. I got your reference from your country's trade department under private enquiry that is not related to my aim of writing you this letter and went further to have it confirmed by the Canadian Exports Promotion Council (CEPC).

We as holders of official positions in various player's wives committees, discovered some contracts that were grossly over-invoiced, either by omission or commission. Also we discovered that the sum of $65,560,000.00 (Sixty-Five Million, Five Hundred and Sixty Thousand United States Dollars Only) was lying in a suspense account, although the American contractors were fully paid their entitlements after executing the said contracts. We all agreed that the over-invoiced amount be transferred (for our own use) into a bank account provided by a foreign partner, as the code of conduct of the Federal Civil Service does not allow us to operate foreign accounts.

We are therefore seeking your assistance based on the balance amount of US$45.560M, which can be speedily processed and fully remitted into your nominated bank account. On successful remittance of the fund into your account, you will be compensated with 25% of the amount for assistance and services and 5% set aside for expenses contingency.

This transaction is closely knitted and in view of our SENSITIVE POSITION we cannot afford a slip, I assure you that this transaction is 100% risk free. I am at your disposition to entertain any question(s) from you in respect of this transaction, so contact me immediately through the above private e-mail addresses and fax number. Please note that the DEAL needs utmost confidentiality and your immediate response will be highly appreciated and we will use our own share of the money to establish a lucrative business in your country.

Please you should contact me immediately with your private fax and telephone numbers where further details in respect to this transaction would be sent. Please you can also contact me on yahoo at XXXXX.

Yours truly,

Obviously, she had to skip town.

She's a spoiled rich chick married to a professional athlete and would rather be living in California, where it's sunny and nice, than Edmonton, where it's cold and shitty.

Actually, you know what citizens of Edmonton?
Forget that that last one, that's WAY too far fetched.

I'm gonna go with the Phil Collins thing.


sven patrick larsen said...

Funny post, Rich. It does also highlight the fact that it takes a certain type of player to make it in markets like Edmonton, Calgary or Ottawa. These are relatively small towns (less than 750,000 people) where nothing is secret for very long.

In olden times before the Internet, something like Mike Vernon's drinking problems or the 80's Oilers cocaine use were badly kept secrets that didn't generally make it beyond the city limits (the Oilers SPORTS ILLUSTRATED article being an exception). It's a different ball game now.

Personally, I've always thought Pronger was one of the more overrated players in the NHL. I could never see him being comfortable on a blue collar team like the Oilers.

vh2k6 said...

i like the 2nd one best. definitely makes the most sense.

DrFrankLives said...

Game One - when Mrs. Pronger played Goalie, was in Raleigh.

other than that minor glitch, brilliant!

Ritch said...

Ahh- you're right.

But otherwise, 100 % factually accurate.

Anonymous said...

Edmonton, Ottawa and Calgary all have populations of over 800,000. If regional populations are included (similar to US suburb cities), all three have populations in excess of 1 million. Relatively small by most US city standards, but not exactly Raleigh or Buffalo.

Ottawa also has a pretty active nightlife - just as much as Vancouver and people are more interested in the peccadilos of politicians than they are those of hockey stars.

The '80's Oilers cocaine problems were widely known in the NHL. Murdoch was traded specifically because he was viewed as a bad influence on Messier, and this was widely known throughout the NHL.

I don't think Pronger is overrated. His effect in the Oiler's end was evident immediately. There really is no big "rumour" here. His wife lived in Edmonton for less than 2 months, spending most of her time in St. Louis. She wanted to be closer to her family. She is also, apparently, not too thrilled with the move to Anaheim.

Alec said...

This is even better now that Pronger is talking about it. His wife is a slut but its not as bad as hammerhan's wife... She's a Lesbian!! ....A Lesbian...!!!

Hammerhan's wife... a dike?... No?



Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

The real skinning on this fact is that pronger knocked up a edmonton weathergirl and that is why mrs. pronger wanted out of edmonton.

Anonymous said...
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