Friday, July 21, 2006

Garth Snow is the GM of the Islanders.

OK- I know that this is kind of old news, it was announced a few days ago, but I guess after I jumped the gun on the announcement that Phil Kessel was going back to play in Minnesota, I've been kind of sitting around waiting for an official press release reading something like this:

PRESS RELEASE

ISLANDERS OWNERSHIP BUSTS OUT LAUGHING ABOUT FALSE GM RUMOR; "OF COURSE WE WERE JUST FUCKIN' WITH YOU!"

7/21/2006- Managing owner of the New York Islanders approached a podium for his weekly address to the media this afternoon and toppled over in a fit of "the giggles" after being barraged with questions about former backup goaltender Garth Snow being named General Manager of the club this week. "Garth Snow?! The GM? Of course we were just fuckin' with you! We've been fucking with Islander fans for years! I mean, show of hands- how many here actually thought my real name was Wang?!"

And so, the second largest practical joke ever foisted on the fans and followers of the National Hockey League came to an end after Doug Peterson, the Islanders owner who had apparently been telling reporters for years now that he was named "Charles Wang" stood giggling like an idiot on a podium. "Yeah- sure that was my name. Hi, I'm Mister Charles Wang, and this my assistant, Chubby McBallsack!"

The assembled throng of reporters waited politely as the owner formerly known as Wang continued to guffaw at his own joke.

"I mean, I thought it was funny enough when I started calling myself Wang, but none of you got it, so I put the Gorton's fisherman on the jerseys!" When nobody got that, I hired a GM who was best known for beating a fan with his own shoe, and traded Bertuzzi and McCabe for Linden! Can you imagine?! We were pissing our pants at that one, but again, nobody laughed! So we sent Zdeno Chara and a number one pick that would become Jason Spezza to Ottawa for Alexei Yashin. And you thought we were serious?! When we shipped out Luongo and Jokinen for Parrish and Kvasha I was sure SOMEBODY would get that we were fucking with you, but no! Anyway, I figured screw it, why don't we tell them that the new GM is...hold on wait for it...Garth Snow! I mean, Christ- he isn't even that good at playing hockey! We were practically dying with laughter up here. But yeah- it's a joke. So- we're sorry."

As the flashbulbs popped off in Peterson's face, he giggled some more, and took a sip of water.

"Christ," he moaned, "my fucking sides hurt over here- can somebody hand me a towel?"

Of course, the first largest practical joke in NHL history wrapped up several months ago, when Anaheim Mighty Ducks officially dropped the "Mighty," and removed the Donald Duck logo from their jerseys, saying (rather similarly) "What- we were going to name an NHL franchise after an Emilio Estevez movie? Of course we were fuckin' with you!"

And indeed they were.


Contact:

Ritch Duncan
Rduncan357@gmail.com
(234) 578-9152477

Source: Syndicated News, Inc.

1 comment:

colelab said...

Where is our writer. Come on. This is the worst time of year for sports, baseball is going the route of a soap opera to basically make mundane events seem worth watching and then there is golf... men who don't like to sweat or get wet if per chance it rains. Oh yeah, I forgot the WNBA and Poker... (insert tumble weed graphic here) If not for playing hockey twice a week I may be in tears. Please restore my sanity.