Friday, March 23, 2007

Guest Blogger Jack Kukoda: "I am classy."

Hey guys- it's time once again for a guest column from Buffalo Sabres fan Jack Kukoda, who is upset about the bad reputation of Sabres fans around the league. In typical Buffalo fan fashion, he has decided to get drunk, take off his shirt and yell about it.

Enjoy!

--Ritch

How to be a Buffalo Sabres Fan
By Jack Kukoda

There’s been a lot of talk on the web recently about how drunk and obnoxious Sabres fans are, and since my column last week didn’t do much to refute this, I decided to educate and enlighten you all with an impassioned essay, extolling the virtues of the city of Buffalo and its fans. It would be entertaining, informative and maybe, just maybe, would raise the level of discourse among hockey fans across North America.

Then I got about halfway through and realized it was really hard to write elegantly and thoughtfully, so in honor of the home-and-home series between the Sabres and Leafs, (starting tonight at HSBC arena) I decided to just talk a whole bunch of shit about Canadians.

I am classy.

Here goes.

Last week I forgot to add one thing that’s true of all Sabres fans. We fucking hate Leafs fans. Four times a year, they invade the HSBC arena to cheer on their history-rich, championship-poor team (at least since Lyndon Johnson was President.) They do this because Toronto is only 90 miles from Buffalo and tickets to Leafs' home games are so coveted and expensive that only Ontario's most prominent fur-traders can afford them.

As such, after getting a special dispensation from the Queen of England to cross the border, these Leafs fans drive over the Peace Bridge and make Sabres games absolutely hellish for the local fans. And fuck all that noise you've heard about Canadians being polite, because it's not true. They'll talk shit to 8 year olds. In particular, they have one favorite insult they like to use, over and over again.

Since I was a kid, dozens of Canadians have delighted in telling me that "Buffalo is the armpit of America."

No matter how many flaws you point out in their native city or country, that is their only retort:

"Buffalo is the armpit of America!"

“Yeah, but you’re from Oshawa, for Christ’s sake.”

“Armpit.”

“You put ketchup on macaroni cheese.”

“Armpit.”

“In terms of cultural trends, your entire country is three years behind Des Moines, Iowa!”

“Armpit.”

By the way, that last one isn't an exaggeration. Watching Canadian television is like unearthing a long lost time capsule. Whenever I'm at my parents' house and flip past a Canadian channel, waves of nostalgia wash over me. "Wow, jam shorts? I haven't seen those in years… huh- I used to have a band collar shirt just like that....Wait, Nickelback is still alive? That does not seem possible."

Occasionally, a Canadian will have another comeback, but they are equally unconvincing. Don't give me any of that shit about free health insurance or natural beauty or how America is an aggressor on the world stage, because I'm not impressed.

We're talking about what's important here: pop culture. If your entire country can't produce a single decent sitcom or movie, you have no right to exist. At least Mexico made Pan's Labyrinth. What have you done since Kids in the Hall(one of my absolute favorite shows of all time). Royal Canadian Air Farce? This Hour has 22 Minutes? Those shows make Mind of Mencia look like Masterpiece fucking Theatre. Think about that while you're eating poutine or riding your moose to work or whatever the hell it is you do up there when you're not invading HSBC arena or shopping at our malls for clothes that won't be available at the Eaton Centre for another 12 years. Oh, Leafs’ fans, you make me so mad! And don't get me started on Habs fans. You're about as French as my asshole is Portuguese, so drop the whole fucking act and broadcast your games in English already.

Okay, I feel like this has definitely opened an intelligent and thoughtful dialogue with our neighbors to the north. I look forward to hearing their responses. Am I a hero for taking the first step and extending an olive branch to my fellow hockey fans?

The answer is yes.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

That all sounds about right to me. MN

Herringbone said...

This pretty much puts the post on my Victoria trip to shame...

http://deathcabforwoody.blogspot.com/2006/10/no-weekend-football-for-dcfwi-spent.html

What no mention of Degrassi? That is BS man...

If you think Ontario is bad, BC is tens times worse..

paul said...

this was hysterical - love the fur trader comment

Desdemona said...

Aaah... Degrassi. I don't know what was worse, Degrassi Juniour High, Degrassi High or that last one when the original actors (should we really call them that?) return as teachers.

Yes, I'm Canadian and yes many of our television shows are horrendous, although since I don't watch much of it, I'm no expert. I'm going to guess though, that a large part of why "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" is not regarded in your favour (with a u) is because of Rick Mercer's bit Talking to Americans. I wouldn't expect you to like, or even "get" Canadian television shows such as Trailer Park Boys, Corner Gas or Little Mosque on the Prairie, just as I hope that you dont' expect me to give a rats patootie about Jerry Springer and waaaaay too many reality television shows.

My only question is why the hell do you care about someone who calls your city an armpit? Why bother? Ontario's put down by you and the rest of Canada, I don't care. I'm a Leaf fan - there are so many ways to make fun of that fact - go ahead, I won't care.

I never met a Canadian who put ketchup on his Kraft Dinner before I met my husband and it seems disgusting.

I won't pretend to have a biting comeback, because I don't. Are you a hero? I don't see why... and what olive branch? Classy?... When some of the first words were "We fucking hate Leafs fans"?

Well, I come to this site for the humour, and you never let me down. Sadly, I'm not a fur trader so I can't afford to make it to the games here in Toronto, but everything that you said has a ring of truth (except that the Habs fans do deserve a French broadcast). I wish I could be there representing the polite sector of Canada alas, the fees I would have to pay to park my Moose is just way too high.

Alec said...

worry not citizens of canada- the rest of America hates Buffalo as much as you do.

I bet you both arms the Drury and Briere split out of buffalo without even considering what they are offering.

I'd bet Briere signs in Philly (ugh) and Drury signs in Calgary- just a hunch.

Nice post Kukoda-