Eliminations.

Well. the first casualities have hit the bricks, (or the links, as it were) as both the Tampa Bay Lighting and the New York Rangers made hasty exits from the postseason in a whirlwind total of nine games. Notable among the eliminated:

-Jaromir Jagr and Sean Burke:
OK- you know how everybody kind of thinks that Sean Burke stinks? Even though every two years or so he’ll play really great for a stretch? Guess what? Jagr is the same way. Why can’t we see clearly on this! Jaromir Jagr is a brilliant one-on-one player who will not help your team win in the playoffs on his own. He’s got the two cup rings from the Mario years, an Olympic Gold medal he won with Hasek in his prime, a pantry full of KitKat bars, and a vagina full of sand. And don’t tell me he was “playing injured.” We’re talking about a guy who only got injured when he tried to bitch-slap someone and failed. I mean, I hate A-Rod as much as the next good Boston fan, but at least when he slapped the baseball out of that guy’s glove in the ALCS a couple years back he didn’t dislocate a shoulder doing it. Talk to a Penguins fan. They’ll tell you. Jaromir Jagr doesn’t deserve to hold a warm glass of Willis Reed’s piss. And I’m a hockey fan so I don’t even really know who Willis Reed is. I guess he effectively played hurt once or something, which is more than I can say for Jagr. So far, no NHL team that has relied on #68 as their primary offensive talent has ever still been excited in mid-may.

-Marty St. Louis:
A great, great player that I’m sorry that I won’t be able to watch for the rest of the playoffs. I’ll just have to console myself with the knowledge that Daniel Briere is the Marty St. Louis of 2006.
You heard it here first.

-The fans of the New York Rangers:
All class. As the Rangers wrapped up their embarrassing performance on home ice after limping into the playoffs and being swept by a regional rival, the hometown Ranger fans STOOD AND APPLAUDED THEIR TEAM. The Rangers have been an embarrassing mess for far too long, and this year their team turned it around and made the playoffs, giving a great fanbase something to cheer for the first time in the new millennium. The fans had plenty to boo this team for given the play over the last month, but they didn’t. They rose as one and thanked the team for the year. Good for them.

Oh, and in case you guys don’t read the comments section- here are two gems from Ben Z, who posted the following, disputing my assertion that Bob Gainey resembled Monk:

He so does NOT look like Monk...though I concede that he may still lead the league in it.
However, there is still only one undisputed leader in looking like Dan Aykroyd.

But why stop there? Check out this one.