This is pretty sweet.

If you can't see it here, check out The Smoking Gun for the big image.





Thanks to Ben for the find.

Did anybody consider-

-that the Bruins might have picked up Paul Mara and Zdeno Chara this off season mainly because they have the most fun names in the NHL to to yell in a Boston accent?

Say Chara, Frenchy! Say it right! Come back here, I'm not through demeaning you!

By the way, that link should last a week, tops. Enjoy it while you can.

John Buccigross-

-is back in action today over at ESPN.com, and it's good to have him back.

My link over there on the sidebar doesn't seem to get you anywhere, but here's the direct link.

I emailed John back before I started this blog about opportunities to write about hockey, and he was kind enough to email me back, which was a pleasant surprise. He didn't have too much advice other then "start writing," which I certainly knew already, but I did appreciate the response. And I know he's an ESPN guy, which is tantamount to treason for most hockey fans, given the limited coverage and outright scorn the game receives from most of those clowns over at Sportcenter, but if you read his column on a regular basis I think you'll find a smart, thoughtful, humorous dude who really cares about the game and is fighting for all American hockey fans from the belly of the beast.

So I thank him for that.

That's not to say I agree with everything he says, (Gonchar will have a good year? Really?) and as much as he knows about the NHL, which is a great deal, he is sadly misinformed about how much the average hockey fan likes indy rock.

I get it, you have eclectic musical taste. Now stop telling me that the Ottawa Senators are like a Ben Folds Five song.

Christ.

Either way, welcome back John-

Now can you pull some strings and get us a nightly hockey wrapup show again?

Pretty busy today-

So in lieu of a real post, I offer up this Youtube of Steve Carell's hockey sketch from the old Dana Carvey show.



And you know what?

While I'm at it, from the same show, the wonderful "Waiters who are nauseated by food."



Nine days till hockey.

I got nothing today.

Well, almost nothing.

I do have this picture I found on the internet of Martin Luther King playing goal for the Washington Capitals.






Umm,

Yeah.

So- how are you guys today?

I'm not the only one who has noticed this, right?

Boston Bruins Goaltender Hannu Toivonen















The St. Pauli Girl










Wait- hold on.

Crap.

Did I label those wrong?


That's not to say it's a problem, if the Bruins find a goaltender who can maintain a G.A.A. lower than a 2.60 next season, I don't give a fuck if he looks like Mrs. Butterworth's:







The future of the B's














(thanks, Groggie !)





Come to think of it, if I was shopping for a goaltender among the realm of female mascots of corporate food chains, I'd probably start with the Land O'Lakes butter maiden, based on her clear mastery of the butterfly style of goaltending:








Uncanny, no?















Plus, for those of us out there who were dirty perverts in the third grade, we're well aware of the butter maiden's impressive ability to twist both of her knees behind her back, which could come in handy for a goaltender in trouble. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, I congratulate you.

More importantly, Chara's foot is going to be fine.

Just keep repeating that, until it's true.

You got a better plan?

I'm all ears.

My head hurts.

The comedy show went well yesterday night, and me and the lads stayed out late for a drop or five.

So I'll keep this short except to give a tip of the hat to Kukla for linking me up on NHL.com.

For those of you who are new to the site, well, hello, welcome, and feel free to poke around the site a little.

Keep in mind, though, I'm a little hung over today, so not so loud, OK?

A good place to start might be the Tie Domi retirement, a situation I called weeks ago .

We'll miss you Tie.

I'd write more, but my head feels like I just fell into the penalty box with you .

If you're in New York-

-check out Warning Shot Comedy the stand-up showcase I'm hosting tonight that Time Out New York named their "Don't Miss" comedy show.

Of course, if you're not in New York, there are plenty of other options for quality comedy tonight.

Like, say- Dancing with the Stars, which I have written about (read: shit on) before here.

Or, you could check out my pal Chris Deluca's very funny new blog talking about how much this show (and a great many other things) suck:

As he says:

Do you realize you're watching Tucker Carlson dance?

I mean, that's a compelling question, America.

You're actually watching someone who isn't even good at doing the job he is hired to do, doing something that he is even less good at doing.

Be strong America, hockey's only 2 weeks away.

Once again, here's the details for the show:

WARNING SHOT COMEDY
Dillon's
245 W 54th St
(Bway & 8th Ave)
Tuesday, September 19th
8:00 PM
$5 cover + $10 food/drink minimum

"Candle in the Wind" An Interpretive Dance: (Performed by Bill McCreary, Rob Schick, Kerry Fraser, Greg Kimmerly, Pierre Champoux and Paul Stewart.)

Goodbye Norma Jean, Though I never knew you at all-



You had the grace to hold yourself-



While those around you crawled.




They crawled out of the woodwork-




And they whispered into your brain




They set you on the treadmill-



And they made you change your name.



And it seems to me you lived your life-



Like a candle in the wind;



Never knowing who to cling to-



When the rain set in.



And I would have liked to have known you-



But I was just a kid.



Your candle burned out long before-



Your legend ever did.




I say, your candle burned out long before-



Your legend ever di- i- i- i -id.






Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin
Available on the album Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
© 1973 Dick James Music Limited

Bruins Sign Wacey Rabbit.

You heard me.

Wacey Rabbit .

Whoops-

My bad.

Here's the real story.

Still.

Wow.

I guess I owe Hakan Loob an apology.

Still, I just did a player search, and there is nobody in the NHL with the last name of Cagney, so there goes my letter writing campaign begging the Bruins to complete the "Cagney and Wacey" line. Still, they should have no trouble motivating him, as while I'm not sure what the stick should be, I'm pretty sure about the carrot.

I can't wait until he scores three in a game, and we get to see the articles about pulling a hat out of a Rabbit.

Hockey starts in less than a month, but if you're jonesing to see what the Bruins are gonna look like there's always this .

There's a John Updike joke to be made somewhere here too, but I'll be damned if I know what it is.

This one isn't about hockey.

For those of you who are comedy fans, and live in New York City, I'll be hosting a live, stand-up comedy show next week that I shit you not, will be really, really good.

This is a killer lineup, and will be a lot of fun.

Here's the details:

WARNING SHOT COMEDY
Dillon's
245 W 54th St
(Bway & 8th Ave)
Tuesday, September 19th
8:00 PM
$5 cover + $10 food/drink minimum

Hosted by Ritch Duncan (Writer: Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, Jest Magazine, American Hockey Fan)
Musical Director: Steve Rosenthal

Featuring:

Christian Finnegan : (Best Week Ever, Chappelle's Show, Comedy Central Presents)
Liam McEneaney: (Premium Blend, Best Week Ever)
Dan Cronin: (Conan O'Brien)
Ophira Eisenberg: (VH1, Premium Blend)
Eric Kirchberger: (Premium Blend)
Amanda Melson (Stand Up Nation with Greg Giraldo)

A reminder of why hockey is the best sport in the world.

So- how long did it take you to get over your excitement over the NFL's opening weekend?

It's five past noon here in New York City, I've watched the opening of both the NFL pregame shows on CBS and Fox, and I'm already bored.

CBS started out with a slick, well produced hype package detailing the offseason moves, including Adam Vinatieri putting on a Colts jersey and (surprise!) Terrell Owens making a funny face. Then they went to that insufferable panel that every sports broadcast feels the need to have in America these days. This one was special because James Brown was hosting, after moving from Fox. Anyway, the big reveal turned out to be that he has moved to CBS to do- wait for it- exactly the same thing he did on Fox!

Not impressed yet?

OK- hold on- this time, JB is chatting with a DIFFERENT panel of braying idiots! Oh, fellas- keep impressing us with your devastating combination of halfassed football analysis along with witty barbs about each other's clothing choices and foibles during your playing days!

So I flipped over to Fox, where things seemed more promising. I was treated to an animated montage, already in progress, of a giant robot in metal shoulder pads smashing through other giant robots and scoring a touchdown before transforming, METALLURG MAGNITOGORSK style, into the logo for Fox NFL Sunday. From there, there it screenwiped into a smooth steadycam shot panning tit-level across a line of about 20 Jacksonville Jaguar cheerleaders.

Now I'm on board.

After all, my affinity for both giant robots and tits is well documented, so I'm sticking with Fox for now.

So we cut to the new analyst, Joe Buck, who is a pretty good baseball guy, you know- if you swing that way, and guess what he's doing?

Chatting with his own panel of braying idiots!

Yes, it's Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long, and Jimmy Johnson, a lineup of entertainment heavyweights whose value can be summed up by the stellar resume highlights Failure to Launch , Firestorm and The Waterboy alone.

I mean, Christ.

I don't mind football, in fact, I'd consider myself a fan, especially when the playoffs roll around, but Jesus, is it that hard to find someone even mildly fucking clever to do the broadcasts?

Apparently, yes.

So instead, I popped in the DVD of the Homecoming episode of the Showtime series Masters of Horror, and was blown away by it. Opinionated, courageous, unflinching and fun, it's political propaganda the way it's supposed to be done- with a horde of angry zombies.

George Romero would be proud.

Plus I got it on Netflix, and Ultimate Gretzky is coming next.

I'm hoping that by "Ultimate," they mean "something other than "watching Wayne's 802nd goal for the motherfucking 802nd time."

Stay tuned for that.

As for me, I'm off to play some hockey.

It's a beautiful day.

After all of this Evgeni Mallkin nonsense-

-no one has seemed to mention perhaps the saddest part of this whole ridiculous story, mainly that he is stepping away from a Russian team with just about the bitchin-est name I've ever heard for a hockey team in my life.

I mean, what the hell is your problem when you no longer want to suit up for METALLURG MAGNITOGORSK?

What do you mean you don't want to play for METALLURG MAGNITOGORSK!?

If you're playing for Metallurg Magnitogorsk, you aren't just a hockey player, you're a legend, a monster, a 60 foot robot striding confidently through the smoldering wreckage of your enemies, crushing with your metal fists everything you didn't eliminate at long range with your fully automatic, shoulder-mounted hellfire missiles.

I just did some internet research, and check out this bio:

For millions of years, METALLURG MAGNITOGORSK has led fanatical legions of evil DECEPTICONS in a single-minded desire for the enslavement of the Universe. It's intellect, ego and talent for deception are second to none, and it rules with an iron-fisted combination of fear and force of personality. Driven by a nearly insane lust for power, METALLURG MAGNITOGORSK managed not only to survive the catastrophic implosion of UNICRON, but absorbed much of his power. Now, wearing salvaged pieces of the ancient destroyer's armor, the awesomely powerful METALLURG MAGNITOGORSK is determined to beat OPTIMUS PRIME and the AUTOBOTS to the lost Planet Keys.

Actually, that's Megatron , but you get my point- you're gonna leave all that to become a "Penguin?"

Somewhere, Ivan Drago is weeping.