It's a link to a page that allows you to download the long out-of-print Rick Moranis Comedy album "You, Me, the Music and Me," notable here for the track called "hockey."
I didn't think it was tremendously funny, but then again, I'd never listened to Foster Hewitt, and this seems to be making fun of him.
And there's the difference between America and Canada. Down here, you don't sell a lot of records by hauling out your killer Fred Cusick impression. Which is too damn bad, cause I have a pretty good one.
I can't wait to read his book.
In fact, if he reads the audiobook, I'm preordering right now.
Not sold yet?
Well, according to this teaser in the Boston Globe, Cusick wrote it because he didn't like other hockey books: "(Phil) Esposito's was awful...I could have thrown up reading all that personal stuff."
Christ, I loved that man.
Here's hoping Derek Sanderson does the introduction.
Friday, August 18, 2006
Thursday, August 17, 2006
I know where Evgeni Malkin isn't.
Yeah, a lot of hockey people out there are speculating where in the world Evgeni Malkin is, Pittsburgh, Washington, Russia, who knows?
But I can tell you where he definitely is not.
Or wasn't yesterday around 3:30.
Evgeni Malkin definitely was not on 55th street in Manhattan with his arm around Mr. T.
I know this, because I was.
You heard me.
That's Mr. T on the left, there, next to your beaming author.
Evgeni Malkin was nowhere in sight.
I was on the way to meet a friend for coffee, and walked past a hotel on 55th street off Madison, and there, on the red carpet in front of the hotel posing for a photo with three beaming teenage girls, was Mr. T.
I don't really consider myself that impressed by celebrities, you see them every now and then in the city, but I hate to tell you, when you aren't expecting to see Mr. T, and all of a sudden, you are three feet away from Mr. T, well- you stop, you smile, and you tell Mr. T that you are happy to see him. Because you are.
And you know what?
Mr. T is happy to see you as well.
So, yeah- man.
Mr. T.
Sweet.
He didn't seem to be pitying me at all either, which was a good sign.
I'll keep an eye out for Malkin, though.
Keep checking back.
But I can tell you where he definitely is not.
Or wasn't yesterday around 3:30.
Evgeni Malkin definitely was not on 55th street in Manhattan with his arm around Mr. T.
I know this, because I was.
You heard me.
That's Mr. T on the left, there, next to your beaming author.
Evgeni Malkin was nowhere in sight.
I was on the way to meet a friend for coffee, and walked past a hotel on 55th street off Madison, and there, on the red carpet in front of the hotel posing for a photo with three beaming teenage girls, was Mr. T.
I don't really consider myself that impressed by celebrities, you see them every now and then in the city, but I hate to tell you, when you aren't expecting to see Mr. T, and all of a sudden, you are three feet away from Mr. T, well- you stop, you smile, and you tell Mr. T that you are happy to see him. Because you are.
And you know what?
Mr. T is happy to see you as well.
So, yeah- man.
Mr. T.
Sweet.
He didn't seem to be pitying me at all either, which was a good sign.
I'll keep an eye out for Malkin, though.
Keep checking back.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
My friend Adam Felber has written a book:
And you all should go out and buy a copy.
Adam grew up on Long Island, was a fan of the Islanders growing up, is a regular performer on NPR, and used to play the keyboards at the late, great Felber's Frolics comedy show on 54th street in Manhattan. He also does a very funny blog about politics along with Daily Show Alums Chris Regan (who is also my pal) and Mo Rocca, (who I was in a movie with once.)
The novel is called "Schrodinger's Ball," and there should be an umlaut over the "o" there, but I still don't know how to do that on blogger, which incidentally, is also the reason I've been delaying my post about playing four-on-four street hockey with the members of Motley Crue.
(That was a lie.)
Insofar as I can tell, the book has nothing to do with the game of hockey in any way, shape or form, which still makes it better than the majority of hockey books available in stores today.
Now go buy it.
I mean, c'mon.
Shouldn't we all be doing something nice for Islanders fans this year?
I mean, if I opened the sports pages about my favorite hockey team, and saw stuff like this, well- I might contemplate writing a comic novel based on a metaphor from the world of quantum physics intended to illustrate the simultaneous potentiality of particle and wave as well.
Oh, and in case that sounds too heady, the metaphor is a dead cat in a box.
Or maybe it's alive.
Get it?
Just read the book, dickheads, there's no hockey till October anyway.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Thanks, Ben!
Well, once again, I ask Ben to step up, and he does- that Jamie MacLennan video was great- still, as an astute anonymous commentor stated, now he's Alex Auld's bitch.
Yeesh.
Still, it's worth bringing up how funny and well produced that segment was- sure it was a little low budget and rough around the edges, but it really worked. The punchlines were funny and it was directed exactly like it should have been, like a late night comedy remote.
As I was thinking about this, I was about to lament that American hockey broadcasts are just never as funny as that, but that's when it occured to me that pretty much all American sports broadcasts are never as funny as that. In this country, the sports broadcaster's idea of comedy, at least on a national level, is still just three guys behind a desk doing this lameass, fratboy whinnying at each other. They sit there like idiots and bray, awkwardly and unskillfully attempting to make fun of each other's clothing or lack of ability when they played the game. Then they force out these honking, billious waves of fake laughter, as though to impress on the viewer that watching the broadcast is just like "sitting around a friend's house, busting balls and watching the game."
Look- if they honestly wanted to replicate the experience of sitting around a buddy's house and watching the game with a bunch of knuckleheads, they not only should never have fired Jimmy the Greek, but they should go one step further. Why not go ahead and hire an abrasive actress (Kathy Griffin anyone?) to walk into the booth with two minutes left in the half and start screaming at the color man.
You know- really letting him know, right at the most important part of the game that just because his slacker, shithead "friends" think that "doing something productive" entails drinking an entire six pack before 3:00 PM, well that doesn't mean that he has to do it. Then after inquiring if his drunkass buddies all jumped off the Empire State Building if he would go along too, she would loudly and aggressively note that the lawn "ain't mowing itself."
Then, as an intro to the halftime show, we'd be treated to the color man out in the blazing sun in his shirtsleeves, hunched over a lawn mower muttering "just THAT much respect is all I ask....Beer. Yeah I'll drink a beer in my own house- just as much as I da*n well please. Think I'm gonna just sit around- Like she's never sat around- HA! Why just wait till she tries just one thing like this again- JUST ONE. Oh ho ho. We. will. see. Yes, indeedy-doo we will. Now where's' that fu&#*in gas can?"
Then they cut to the highlights.
Oh, and one other thing, while I'm talking about comedy segments in sports, particularly hockey, lemme get one thing off my chest:
Hey Denis Leary!
You can stop now.
Seriously, enough already.
I'm a Bruins fan too, dude- but knock it off.
Yeesh.
Still, it's worth bringing up how funny and well produced that segment was- sure it was a little low budget and rough around the edges, but it really worked. The punchlines were funny and it was directed exactly like it should have been, like a late night comedy remote.
As I was thinking about this, I was about to lament that American hockey broadcasts are just never as funny as that, but that's when it occured to me that pretty much all American sports broadcasts are never as funny as that. In this country, the sports broadcaster's idea of comedy, at least on a national level, is still just three guys behind a desk doing this lameass, fratboy whinnying at each other. They sit there like idiots and bray, awkwardly and unskillfully attempting to make fun of each other's clothing or lack of ability when they played the game. Then they force out these honking, billious waves of fake laughter, as though to impress on the viewer that watching the broadcast is just like "sitting around a friend's house, busting balls and watching the game."
Look- if they honestly wanted to replicate the experience of sitting around a buddy's house and watching the game with a bunch of knuckleheads, they not only should never have fired Jimmy the Greek, but they should go one step further. Why not go ahead and hire an abrasive actress (Kathy Griffin anyone?) to walk into the booth with two minutes left in the half and start screaming at the color man.
You know- really letting him know, right at the most important part of the game that just because his slacker, shithead "friends" think that "doing something productive" entails drinking an entire six pack before 3:00 PM, well that doesn't mean that he has to do it. Then after inquiring if his drunkass buddies all jumped off the Empire State Building if he would go along too, she would loudly and aggressively note that the lawn "ain't mowing itself."
Then, as an intro to the halftime show, we'd be treated to the color man out in the blazing sun in his shirtsleeves, hunched over a lawn mower muttering "just THAT much respect is all I ask....Beer. Yeah I'll drink a beer in my own house- just as much as I da*n well please. Think I'm gonna just sit around- Like she's never sat around- HA! Why just wait till she tries just one thing like this again- JUST ONE. Oh ho ho. We. will. see. Yes, indeedy-doo we will. Now where's' that fu&#*in gas can?"
Then they cut to the highlights.
Oh, and one other thing, while I'm talking about comedy segments in sports, particularly hockey, lemme get one thing off my chest:
Hey Denis Leary!
You can stop now.
Seriously, enough already.
I'm a Bruins fan too, dude- but knock it off.
Friday, August 11, 2006
How do you narrow it down to five?
It’s quite an honor to be included in the Five Weird Things mania that’s been sweeping the hockey blog world lately. As a highly infrequent contributor to AHF, I’ve always felt a bit like Jamie McLennan to Ritch’s Roberto Luongo:
I would say the only differences are 1) our relationship is (slightly) less homoerotic, and 2) I didn’t just dream about running Ritch down with a zamboni...I actually got out there and did it.
But having said that, my name IS right there on the “Contributors” list (which I assume is listed not alphabetically, but in order of sheer awesomeness). And hell, I’m as weird as the next guy, as long as the next guy is Ritch, or maybe “Weird Al” Yankovic (new album in stores September 26). So here goes:
Weird Thing #1 - I’m the creator of the online cartoon Unleashed. It follows the trials and tribulations of struggling animal actors in Hollywood, and it’s quite funny according to my mom, who also confirms that I’m the handsomest guy in school. Thanks to the gift of modern technology, it’s now possible for 3 guys to put out 90 seconds worth of freshly animated comedy each and every Monday, on the web, MySpace, YouTube, and iTunes. Check it out…if you don’t laugh, I will cheerfully refund your purchase price (zero dollars, you cheap bastards).
Here, you can even watch the trailer right now:
Weird Thing #2 – Before working with animated dogs, I worked with real ones. For about half a year, I was in charge of booking Stupid Pet Tricks for the Late Show with David Letterman. Was I good at it? You tell me:
It was a fun job, with tons of great perks, but the stress of having to travel the country looking for animals who could do something besides sing along with the radio got to be too much. I think my heart finally broke for good when I flew a giant pig all the way to New York so he could knock down bowling pins on TV...and he didn’t make the cut. (Weird Thing #2A – In addition to working for Letterman, I’ve also worked at Conan and SNL...the New York late night television comedy trifecta).
Weird Thing #3 – In my senior year of high school, I was on the Homecoming Court. That may not seem that weird, but wait until you get to know me a little better.
Weird Thing #4 – I don’t know nearly enough about hockey to be writing on a hockey blog. I love the sport, but the first year I watched it was 2001. Through her job, my wife got offered a pair of seats in a “luxury” box at the Meadowlands to see the Devils home opener against the Islanders that year. The Devs lost 6-4, but I was hooked. I naturally root for underdogs, and in the tri-state area, no one is further under than the Devils. I swear, the frickin’ MetroStars (or Red Bulls or Dodge Stratuses or Dr. Scholl’s Medicated Wart Removers of Soccer or whatever they’re called) get more ink around here. So while I’ve been an avid fan ever since, I’m still learning about the history of the game and finding myself go strangely quiet when someone brings up Toe Blake or Eddie Shore or Boom Boom Geoffrion. Also, I can't skate.
Weird Thing #5 – I almost always run out of steam before I finish things.
I would say the only differences are 1) our relationship is (slightly) less homoerotic, and 2) I didn’t just dream about running Ritch down with a zamboni...I actually got out there and did it.
But having said that, my name IS right there on the “Contributors” list (which I assume is listed not alphabetically, but in order of sheer awesomeness). And hell, I’m as weird as the next guy, as long as the next guy is Ritch, or maybe “Weird Al” Yankovic (new album in stores September 26). So here goes:
Weird Thing #1 - I’m the creator of the online cartoon Unleashed. It follows the trials and tribulations of struggling animal actors in Hollywood, and it’s quite funny according to my mom, who also confirms that I’m the handsomest guy in school. Thanks to the gift of modern technology, it’s now possible for 3 guys to put out 90 seconds worth of freshly animated comedy each and every Monday, on the web, MySpace, YouTube, and iTunes. Check it out…if you don’t laugh, I will cheerfully refund your purchase price (zero dollars, you cheap bastards).
Here, you can even watch the trailer right now:
Weird Thing #2 – Before working with animated dogs, I worked with real ones. For about half a year, I was in charge of booking Stupid Pet Tricks for the Late Show with David Letterman. Was I good at it? You tell me:
It was a fun job, with tons of great perks, but the stress of having to travel the country looking for animals who could do something besides sing along with the radio got to be too much. I think my heart finally broke for good when I flew a giant pig all the way to New York so he could knock down bowling pins on TV...and he didn’t make the cut. (Weird Thing #2A – In addition to working for Letterman, I’ve also worked at Conan and SNL...the New York late night television comedy trifecta).
Weird Thing #3 – In my senior year of high school, I was on the Homecoming Court. That may not seem that weird, but wait until you get to know me a little better.
Weird Thing #4 – I don’t know nearly enough about hockey to be writing on a hockey blog. I love the sport, but the first year I watched it was 2001. Through her job, my wife got offered a pair of seats in a “luxury” box at the Meadowlands to see the Devils home opener against the Islanders that year. The Devs lost 6-4, but I was hooked. I naturally root for underdogs, and in the tri-state area, no one is further under than the Devils. I swear, the frickin’ MetroStars (or Red Bulls or Dodge Stratuses or Dr. Scholl’s Medicated Wart Removers of Soccer or whatever they’re called) get more ink around here. So while I’ve been an avid fan ever since, I’m still learning about the history of the game and finding myself go strangely quiet when someone brings up Toe Blake or Eddie Shore or Boom Boom Geoffrion. Also, I can't skate.
Weird Thing #5 – I almost always run out of steam before I finish things.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Well, I was right.
It was fun to read the Globe and the Herald today, even though I might substitute Adam Oates for Phil Esposito on Bob Ryan's "all Harry (Sinden) Era team."
Also, check out this cool Harry Sinden Timeline.
I'll give it some thought, and maybe criticize him tomorrow, but not today.
Lemme see, any other hockey news to report?
No?
Well then, enjoy this picture of a squirrel dressed up like a 9/11 search and rescue worker:
You know what would be really adorable? If the squirrel found some human remains!
Fuckin' people, man.
Also, check out this cool Harry Sinden Timeline.
I'll give it some thought, and maybe criticize him tomorrow, but not today.
Lemme see, any other hockey news to report?
No?
Well then, enjoy this picture of a squirrel dressed up like a 9/11 search and rescue worker:
You know what would be really adorable? If the squirrel found some human remains!
Fuckin' people, man.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Harry Sinden Steps Down-
WOW.
Big news out of Boston.
I guess now he'll have some free time to play golf with Joe Lieberman.
I'll refrain from dumping on the guy today- I know that many people feel that he was a puppet of Jeremy Jacobs, but let's be clear here- he coached the Bruins to a Stanley Cup, and was a member of the organization for more than 40 years. I'll hold off on a flash decision.
Press conference is in an hour.
I'll tell ya though, It's gonna be REAL fun to read the Globe and the Herald tomorrow, boy.
Wait- shhh!
You hear that sound?
That's Kevin Paul DuPont hustling his ass off.
Fill us in, buddy- we're counting on you here.
Oh- and more importantly, here's a hearty "welcome to the world" to Gabriella Duben, born August 7th, 2006.
Big news out of Boston.
I guess now he'll have some free time to play golf with Joe Lieberman.
I'll refrain from dumping on the guy today- I know that many people feel that he was a puppet of Jeremy Jacobs, but let's be clear here- he coached the Bruins to a Stanley Cup, and was a member of the organization for more than 40 years. I'll hold off on a flash decision.
Press conference is in an hour.
I'll tell ya though, It's gonna be REAL fun to read the Globe and the Herald tomorrow, boy.
Wait- shhh!
You hear that sound?
That's Kevin Paul DuPont hustling his ass off.
Fill us in, buddy- we're counting on you here.
Oh- and more importantly, here's a hearty "welcome to the world" to Gabriella Duben, born August 7th, 2006.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Apologies for that last post, and the reason I love Keith Acton.
OK- First things first.
Sorry about that last post.
I mean crap- you want to lose an hour of your life you'll never get back?
Ask a blogger to write about himself.
I hate to say it, but the fact is, if you write a blog, you're kind of into yourself. I mean, not as into yourself as say- a congressman or soap opera actress, but still- there's a problem there, and let's be honest, at least the politician and the diva get a little sun now and then.
Either way, there is nothing more ponderous on a blog than talking about blogs and bloggers, so I've decided to instead tell you all the story about why Keith Acton is one of my favorite NHL players of all time.
You can click his name there for his complete stats, and as a Bruins fan, I gotta love that opening quote:
"When I was growing up, I hated Montreal. Always."
I want that hand-embroidered on a motherfucking throw pillow, and displayed prominently in my home.
Of course, the reason I love Keith Acton has nothing to do with his career, which as I look at it again, has some interesting moments. He played for 6 NHL clubs, won a Stanley Cup, was considered one of the best faceoff men in the game, and was sent to the Winnipeg Jets from Philly one summer, only to be sent back again 5 days later. I don't know how it happened, but I do know that it's pretty fucking sweet.
After retiring, he moved into coaching, and has served as an assistant coach with the Flyers, Rangers and currently, the Maple Leafs, a position he got in the year 2000 and is still in today.
But all of that aside, it was one night in the early 1990's as a Philadelphia Flyer that had me and my little brother collecting Keith Acton cards for the rest of our lives. The Flyers were playing the Penguins, who we hated back then for two reasons. The first was that with the offensive fireworks of Lemieux and Jagr, they were becoming the powerhouse that effectively stymied the Bruins' chances to come out of the east, but even moreso, they had Ulf Samuelsson on their team, who had delivered the low hit that led to the end of the career of Cam Neely. To have that bastard skate around with the Stanley Cup while Neely was continually doing rehab after rehab after rehab had the hockey fans of Boston in an absolute fury. I have a vivid memory of a banner hanging from the Gallery of the old Garden bearing the huge letters "KILL ULF." On one chance meeting between the Bruins and Penguins in Boston at the time, the rancor and hatred ran so deep that Samuelsson was a healthy scratch, prompting the great Bruins colorman Derek Sanderson to comment that Ulf had "come down with a touch of the Swedish Flu."
Now, I've said this before, and I don't want to make this an indictment of the new NHL, but I will say that hockey, above almost any other sport, is best enjoyed with a villain or two, and in my eyes, the NHL could use another villain like Ulf.
Christ, I hated that bastard.
In fact, I still do, and wrote about it here .
At any rate, back in those days, if the Penguins were playing, it was an event, and when it was against the Flyers, you knew there were gonna be fireworks, so when the punches started flying, we popped in a tape. I forget who else was involved or how it started, but my memories start after the first fight had ended, and all the players on the ice had grabbed ahold of an opponent's sweater and "locked him up." This was a pretty common technique in the NHL back then, and served as a way to act like you were fighting and kind of save face, but in reality was a way of self-policing the situation so it wouldn't get completely out of hand. So when it did get completely out of hand, it was kind of a surprise. It took the replay for us to see that locking up Ulf Samuelsson on that night was a player named Keith Acton.
I don't know who the cameraman was who captured this moment, but it couldn't have been done more perfectly. The shot showed Acton and Samuelsson locked up with each other, both kind of absentmindedly watching the linesmen and ref break up one of the other fights, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Acton started staring directly over Ulf's other shoulder and up into the stands. He was looking 180 degrees away from the action, and almost straight up, with a perplexed look on his face that seemed to say "What in God's name is THAT?"
As he stared, he relaxed his hands from Ulf's jersey a bit, as though to convey the idea that whatever was going on up there was a sight so bafflingly unique that it commanded every iota of his attention. Acton's eyes widened and his jaw dropped open with awe, as he stared up and behind this giant of a man, who had at least 5 inches and forty pounds on him. Perhaps feeling the grip on his jersey relax, or maybe simply noticing the extent of Acton's interest, Ulf turned his head all the way around and followed Acton's gaze, relaxing his own grip, and craning his head back towards whatever it was that had so aroused Action's interest. Ulf blinked his eyes, stared for a second, and seeing nothing out of the ordinary, turned his head back around, directly into the path of the fast moving right fist of Acton, who had started drawing his hand back the minute Ulf took the bait. Acton's fist smashed into Samuelsson's face with the force of a flying anvil, and Ulf who had no idea what had happened, went down like a sack of wet laundry.
It was a motherfucking gorgeous thing to see.
It was one of the best sucker punches I have ever seen in the history of the NHL, and stands in my memory as a living example of not only the little guy winning over the big guy, but brains over brawn and the chickens coming home to roost, all in the span of 4 seconds.
Henceforth, Keith Acton became a hero to my brother and I, and on days where it was rainy, or we were sad- all that needed to be said to fill the moment with cheer was the phrase "Wanna watch the Keith Acton tape?"
And we did, perhaps watching that tape over a hundred times, and after our Dad mistakenly taped over it, we relived it by acting out the event at pond and street hockey games for years afterwards.
So here's to you Keith Acton.
Keep swinging, buddy- and good luck with Hal Gill in Toronto.
We know you aren't afraid of the big fellas.
Sorry about that last post.
I mean crap- you want to lose an hour of your life you'll never get back?
Ask a blogger to write about himself.
I hate to say it, but the fact is, if you write a blog, you're kind of into yourself. I mean, not as into yourself as say- a congressman or soap opera actress, but still- there's a problem there, and let's be honest, at least the politician and the diva get a little sun now and then.
Either way, there is nothing more ponderous on a blog than talking about blogs and bloggers, so I've decided to instead tell you all the story about why Keith Acton is one of my favorite NHL players of all time.
You can click his name there for his complete stats, and as a Bruins fan, I gotta love that opening quote:
"When I was growing up, I hated Montreal. Always."
I want that hand-embroidered on a motherfucking throw pillow, and displayed prominently in my home.
Of course, the reason I love Keith Acton has nothing to do with his career, which as I look at it again, has some interesting moments. He played for 6 NHL clubs, won a Stanley Cup, was considered one of the best faceoff men in the game, and was sent to the Winnipeg Jets from Philly one summer, only to be sent back again 5 days later. I don't know how it happened, but I do know that it's pretty fucking sweet.
After retiring, he moved into coaching, and has served as an assistant coach with the Flyers, Rangers and currently, the Maple Leafs, a position he got in the year 2000 and is still in today.
But all of that aside, it was one night in the early 1990's as a Philadelphia Flyer that had me and my little brother collecting Keith Acton cards for the rest of our lives. The Flyers were playing the Penguins, who we hated back then for two reasons. The first was that with the offensive fireworks of Lemieux and Jagr, they were becoming the powerhouse that effectively stymied the Bruins' chances to come out of the east, but even moreso, they had Ulf Samuelsson on their team, who had delivered the low hit that led to the end of the career of Cam Neely. To have that bastard skate around with the Stanley Cup while Neely was continually doing rehab after rehab after rehab had the hockey fans of Boston in an absolute fury. I have a vivid memory of a banner hanging from the Gallery of the old Garden bearing the huge letters "KILL ULF." On one chance meeting between the Bruins and Penguins in Boston at the time, the rancor and hatred ran so deep that Samuelsson was a healthy scratch, prompting the great Bruins colorman Derek Sanderson to comment that Ulf had "come down with a touch of the Swedish Flu."
Now, I've said this before, and I don't want to make this an indictment of the new NHL, but I will say that hockey, above almost any other sport, is best enjoyed with a villain or two, and in my eyes, the NHL could use another villain like Ulf.
Christ, I hated that bastard.
In fact, I still do, and wrote about it here .
At any rate, back in those days, if the Penguins were playing, it was an event, and when it was against the Flyers, you knew there were gonna be fireworks, so when the punches started flying, we popped in a tape. I forget who else was involved or how it started, but my memories start after the first fight had ended, and all the players on the ice had grabbed ahold of an opponent's sweater and "locked him up." This was a pretty common technique in the NHL back then, and served as a way to act like you were fighting and kind of save face, but in reality was a way of self-policing the situation so it wouldn't get completely out of hand. So when it did get completely out of hand, it was kind of a surprise. It took the replay for us to see that locking up Ulf Samuelsson on that night was a player named Keith Acton.
I don't know who the cameraman was who captured this moment, but it couldn't have been done more perfectly. The shot showed Acton and Samuelsson locked up with each other, both kind of absentmindedly watching the linesmen and ref break up one of the other fights, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Acton started staring directly over Ulf's other shoulder and up into the stands. He was looking 180 degrees away from the action, and almost straight up, with a perplexed look on his face that seemed to say "What in God's name is THAT?"
As he stared, he relaxed his hands from Ulf's jersey a bit, as though to convey the idea that whatever was going on up there was a sight so bafflingly unique that it commanded every iota of his attention. Acton's eyes widened and his jaw dropped open with awe, as he stared up and behind this giant of a man, who had at least 5 inches and forty pounds on him. Perhaps feeling the grip on his jersey relax, or maybe simply noticing the extent of Acton's interest, Ulf turned his head all the way around and followed Acton's gaze, relaxing his own grip, and craning his head back towards whatever it was that had so aroused Action's interest. Ulf blinked his eyes, stared for a second, and seeing nothing out of the ordinary, turned his head back around, directly into the path of the fast moving right fist of Acton, who had started drawing his hand back the minute Ulf took the bait. Acton's fist smashed into Samuelsson's face with the force of a flying anvil, and Ulf who had no idea what had happened, went down like a sack of wet laundry.
It was a motherfucking gorgeous thing to see.
It was one of the best sucker punches I have ever seen in the history of the NHL, and stands in my memory as a living example of not only the little guy winning over the big guy, but brains over brawn and the chickens coming home to roost, all in the span of 4 seconds.
Henceforth, Keith Acton became a hero to my brother and I, and on days where it was rainy, or we were sad- all that needed to be said to fill the moment with cheer was the phrase "Wanna watch the Keith Acton tape?"
And we did, perhaps watching that tape over a hundred times, and after our Dad mistakenly taped over it, we relived it by acting out the event at pond and street hockey games for years afterwards.
So here's to you Keith Acton.
Keep swinging, buddy- and good luck with Hal Gill in Toronto.
We know you aren't afraid of the big fellas.
Monday, August 07, 2006
My head is killing me (5 weird things)
You heard me.
Not so loud.
What's up hockey fans?
I'm temping in the legal department of Bear Stearns today, trying to ward off a savage hangover with 12 ounces of rapidly warming ice coffee and a banana. It works better than you'd think, but still- I could deal with answering these 9 phone lines a hell of a lot better if I wasn't also having to force out a fake laugh every time some lawyer sauntered past the reception desk and answered the "how was your weekend" question with the words "short!" or "too short!"
I mean, I know- casual conversation is a pain the ass, but c'mon, people, you're killing me with this shit. One of them just said it again, and then topped it off by making that gay-ass "pow-pow, I've got a gun!" gesture with his fingers. Oh, and by the way, if you went to college in the 90's and were offended by my use of the word "gay" well- take it easy there Oprah, I'm using it exclusively in the sixth grade sense of the term.
Either way, I may not make it through the day, which is why now might be the best time to provide my entry in the "5 weird things" thread that's been bouncing through the hockey blogs of late.
I got tagged by Tapeleg over at Jerseys and Hockey Love, and while this whole thing seems a little chainletter-y to me, I figure , what the hell, I'm happy to be included. I'll drop Ben a line too, as TL tagged him as well- we'll see if he can do one. I can tell you right now, he's pretty busy with the Unleashed , thing (which is new today incidentally, and you should check it out.)
Right now, the thing I've been busiest with is fighting the temptation to let fly with this beastly fart that's been rumbling around under my bowels for the past 20 minutes. It's just been rolling around in there, building, like a thick wad of gassy bread dough. It would be a bad one too, as I drank about 8 cans of Coors last night, and seeing that the coffee and banana is, well, compounding the issue, this could be something truly awful. Suffice it to say, if I let it tear, this office would be treated to a torrid blast sounding not unlike the first spastic, coughing pull of a lawnmower cord, and smelling so goddamn terrible it would make a man long for the comparatively sweet aroma of the wet corpse of a large St. Bernard being cremated on a stack of burning tires.
I better head to the restroom.
OK- I'm back.
Much better.
Anyway, lemme try to think of something weird, other than the fact that I live in America and hockey is my favorite sport, which is pretty bizarre, especially when you look at the ratings for hockey in this country. Anyway, here goes:
Five Weird Things About Me- by Ritch Duncan
1) I was the co-founder and editor-in-chief of the late, great, humor magazine Jest. I'd tell you the whole story of its rise and fall, but we need to have room for four more weird things. Here's the short version:
-I started it, got it going, and had great writers, many of whom are currently working in the some of the most coveted comedy writing jobs on the planet. After two and a half years fighting what seemed like hundreds of battles about the kinds of things that are always argued about in collective creative endeavors, I got fed up and either quit or was fired, depending on who you talk to. The magazine sputtered on for a few more issues and finally died. So yeah- now I'm answering phones for lawyers part time. Still, if I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't change a thing.
2) The opportunity I got after the magazine tanked was my introduction to blogging for a large audience, and in a way, was the inspiration for this blog. It was a fictional blog I wrote under the name "Kirk Thomson" about a 30-something video store clerk that was bitten by a werewolf. The first post is here, and the story was eventually optioned by an independent film company, meaning I was hired to write a screenplay based on the material, which I did. The whole story is here. It inspired the hockey blog because it was started for fun, with no hope of making money. When it did make me some money, it was the greatest thing ever. I started the hockey blog on (hopefully) the same principle. I even wrote about hockey a few times on that blog- For example, I was pretty pissed when they Bettman and Goodenow didn’t settle the lockout when they had the chance.
3) The first job I ever got in comedy was a radio show I started on WMCA 570 AM called "The Frank Dell Comedy Hour," which I still think is a pretty cool Lenny Bruce reference. The kicker? WMCA was (and still is) a Christian radio station, and at the time I had a dayjob selling ads for Talkline Communications Network, a Jewish TV and Radio network. Talkline bought a block of airtime in New York on WMCA on Saturday nights from 8:00 PM to 3:00 AM, and seeing as Orthodox Jews can't drive cars until the end of Shabbos, when the sun sets, they had a problem during the summer, as the sun didn’t set until 7:45. This meant that none of the regular Jewish DJ's could even get into their cars until quarter to 8:00, and couldn't get to the station in time to start the shows. Seeing as I had done college radio, could run a radio board, and was the only non-Jew in the office, I found myself with a half hour block of time on New York radio to do whatever I wanted with. It was pretty sweet. Hence, I started my own sketch comedy radio show, sandwiched between programming intended for hardcore Christians and hardcore Jews. The bad news was, the audience hated it. A lot. The good news was, I was the guy who answered the phones during the day, so when people called to complain, they had no idea they were talking to the host of the show they hated so much. I'd be like, "Really- you thought it was in poor taste? Hold on- lemme get a pen." Obviously, I never told a soul. It was a good time, and led to my other radio gig, hosting a radio game show for a couple of years.
4)When I was a kid, me and my older brother held our youngest brother down and poured pepper directly into his nostrils to see if, “like in the cartoons, it would really make someone sneeze." As it turned out, he did sneeze a little bit, but the primary side effects were thick red streaks that appeared on his face accompanied by what he claimed was a severely painful burning sensation that didn't go away for days. He's turning 30 next year, and is still pissed about it. Can’t say I blame him.
5) I won my high school's "Young Businessperson" award my senior year by making the most "fake money" of anyone in one of those stock market games high schools do every year. My winning technique was to do no homework except saving the newspapers from the first and last days of the assignment, finding the cheapest stock that went up the most, and doing all the charts and journals retroactively in different colored pens. We all started with 1000 fake dollars, but I ended up with over 90 grand. I justified my cheating by figuring that real stockbrokers would have done the same goddamn thing if they could have gotten away with it, so I felt pretty savvy. The prize was a hardcover book about sound investment strategy, which I may have opened once.
OK- that's five.
I was going to tap the always entertaining Sidearm Delivery for his five things but somebody got there first.
Crap.
OK- how about Mike and Jason from Orland Kurtenblog?
I tap those guys.
Anyway- God bless you if you made it through this. This was WAY too long.
On the plus side, my head is feeling much better.
So- did anything happen in hockey today?
No, no- stay where you are.
I’ll go check.
Not so loud.
What's up hockey fans?
I'm temping in the legal department of Bear Stearns today, trying to ward off a savage hangover with 12 ounces of rapidly warming ice coffee and a banana. It works better than you'd think, but still- I could deal with answering these 9 phone lines a hell of a lot better if I wasn't also having to force out a fake laugh every time some lawyer sauntered past the reception desk and answered the "how was your weekend" question with the words "short!" or "too short!"
I mean, I know- casual conversation is a pain the ass, but c'mon, people, you're killing me with this shit. One of them just said it again, and then topped it off by making that gay-ass "pow-pow, I've got a gun!" gesture with his fingers. Oh, and by the way, if you went to college in the 90's and were offended by my use of the word "gay" well- take it easy there Oprah, I'm using it exclusively in the sixth grade sense of the term.
Either way, I may not make it through the day, which is why now might be the best time to provide my entry in the "5 weird things" thread that's been bouncing through the hockey blogs of late.
I got tagged by Tapeleg over at Jerseys and Hockey Love, and while this whole thing seems a little chainletter-y to me, I figure , what the hell, I'm happy to be included. I'll drop Ben a line too, as TL tagged him as well- we'll see if he can do one. I can tell you right now, he's pretty busy with the Unleashed , thing (which is new today incidentally, and you should check it out.)
Right now, the thing I've been busiest with is fighting the temptation to let fly with this beastly fart that's been rumbling around under my bowels for the past 20 minutes. It's just been rolling around in there, building, like a thick wad of gassy bread dough. It would be a bad one too, as I drank about 8 cans of Coors last night, and seeing that the coffee and banana is, well, compounding the issue, this could be something truly awful. Suffice it to say, if I let it tear, this office would be treated to a torrid blast sounding not unlike the first spastic, coughing pull of a lawnmower cord, and smelling so goddamn terrible it would make a man long for the comparatively sweet aroma of the wet corpse of a large St. Bernard being cremated on a stack of burning tires.
I better head to the restroom.
OK- I'm back.
Much better.
Anyway, lemme try to think of something weird, other than the fact that I live in America and hockey is my favorite sport, which is pretty bizarre, especially when you look at the ratings for hockey in this country. Anyway, here goes:
Five Weird Things About Me- by Ritch Duncan
1) I was the co-founder and editor-in-chief of the late, great, humor magazine Jest. I'd tell you the whole story of its rise and fall, but we need to have room for four more weird things. Here's the short version:
-I started it, got it going, and had great writers, many of whom are currently working in the some of the most coveted comedy writing jobs on the planet. After two and a half years fighting what seemed like hundreds of battles about the kinds of things that are always argued about in collective creative endeavors, I got fed up and either quit or was fired, depending on who you talk to. The magazine sputtered on for a few more issues and finally died. So yeah- now I'm answering phones for lawyers part time. Still, if I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't change a thing.
2) The opportunity I got after the magazine tanked was my introduction to blogging for a large audience, and in a way, was the inspiration for this blog. It was a fictional blog I wrote under the name "Kirk Thomson" about a 30-something video store clerk that was bitten by a werewolf. The first post is here, and the story was eventually optioned by an independent film company, meaning I was hired to write a screenplay based on the material, which I did. The whole story is here. It inspired the hockey blog because it was started for fun, with no hope of making money. When it did make me some money, it was the greatest thing ever. I started the hockey blog on (hopefully) the same principle. I even wrote about hockey a few times on that blog- For example, I was pretty pissed when they Bettman and Goodenow didn’t settle the lockout when they had the chance.
3) The first job I ever got in comedy was a radio show I started on WMCA 570 AM called "The Frank Dell Comedy Hour," which I still think is a pretty cool Lenny Bruce reference. The kicker? WMCA was (and still is) a Christian radio station, and at the time I had a dayjob selling ads for Talkline Communications Network, a Jewish TV and Radio network. Talkline bought a block of airtime in New York on WMCA on Saturday nights from 8:00 PM to 3:00 AM, and seeing as Orthodox Jews can't drive cars until the end of Shabbos, when the sun sets, they had a problem during the summer, as the sun didn’t set until 7:45. This meant that none of the regular Jewish DJ's could even get into their cars until quarter to 8:00, and couldn't get to the station in time to start the shows. Seeing as I had done college radio, could run a radio board, and was the only non-Jew in the office, I found myself with a half hour block of time on New York radio to do whatever I wanted with. It was pretty sweet. Hence, I started my own sketch comedy radio show, sandwiched between programming intended for hardcore Christians and hardcore Jews. The bad news was, the audience hated it. A lot. The good news was, I was the guy who answered the phones during the day, so when people called to complain, they had no idea they were talking to the host of the show they hated so much. I'd be like, "Really- you thought it was in poor taste? Hold on- lemme get a pen." Obviously, I never told a soul. It was a good time, and led to my other radio gig, hosting a radio game show for a couple of years.
4)When I was a kid, me and my older brother held our youngest brother down and poured pepper directly into his nostrils to see if, “like in the cartoons, it would really make someone sneeze." As it turned out, he did sneeze a little bit, but the primary side effects were thick red streaks that appeared on his face accompanied by what he claimed was a severely painful burning sensation that didn't go away for days. He's turning 30 next year, and is still pissed about it. Can’t say I blame him.
5) I won my high school's "Young Businessperson" award my senior year by making the most "fake money" of anyone in one of those stock market games high schools do every year. My winning technique was to do no homework except saving the newspapers from the first and last days of the assignment, finding the cheapest stock that went up the most, and doing all the charts and journals retroactively in different colored pens. We all started with 1000 fake dollars, but I ended up with over 90 grand. I justified my cheating by figuring that real stockbrokers would have done the same goddamn thing if they could have gotten away with it, so I felt pretty savvy. The prize was a hardcover book about sound investment strategy, which I may have opened once.
OK- that's five.
I was going to tap the always entertaining Sidearm Delivery for his five things but somebody got there first.
Crap.
OK- how about Mike and Jason from Orland Kurtenblog?
I tap those guys.
Anyway- God bless you if you made it through this. This was WAY too long.
On the plus side, my head is feeling much better.
So- did anything happen in hockey today?
No, no- stay where you are.
I’ll go check.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
It's hot today:
So here's a COOL picture:
You know, I forgot how adorable Grant Fuhr used to look before all the drug use.
Thanks to new kids Jason and Mike over at Orland Kurtenblog. If you have a caption of your own, post it with them.
OK- enough already. It's awful outside.
Check on your grandparents, willya?
You know, I forgot how adorable Grant Fuhr used to look before all the drug use.
Thanks to new kids Jason and Mike over at Orland Kurtenblog. If you have a caption of your own, post it with them.
OK- enough already. It's awful outside.
Check on your grandparents, willya?
Monday, July 31, 2006
Lauren Pronger is busting OUT!
(LATEST UPDATE 11/28/06: Click here for Ritch's prediction for Pronger's return to Edmonton!)
Yeah, you heard me.
I got about 200 hits before lunchtime this morning, all thanks to a post I wrote last month making fun of the flurry of rumors surrounding Chris Pronger, his wife, and- (well, I wasn't going to repeat it, but screw it), that TV reporter chick he supposedly knocked up.
The whole rumor was kind of stupid, but it had to do with both sex and an NHL all star, which in Edmonton is better than, well- it's the best thing they have going out there. I mean, not to knock Edmonton, I'm sure it's a swell town, but once you've seen a game and taken a picture in front of the Gretzky statue, what are you doing all day? I'll tell you, if I lived up there, I'd probably be obsessing about Chris Pronger and his various "Prongees" as well. And yeah, I know that's a crass thing to say, but just imagine what I could have written if this had happened to Fernando Pisani.
Maybe it's just indicative of the fact that there really is nothing going on in the hockey world right now, but ever since I wrote that post I've been getting a steady stream of visitors, all through various search engines. But the floodgates broke this morning when a hockey columnist in Saint Louis wrote this:
"But there was plenty of amateur rumor mongering after Pronger abruptly requested a trade from the Edmonton Oilers this summer. When you do a Google search on his wife, Lauren Pronger, you come up with some curious stuff. "
Anybody curious exactly what you get?
Well, you get me, St. Louis.
How's it going, assholes?
And while I have you here, how's that whole hire a blowhard announcer for a GM thing going for you? By the way, there are two words that separate you guys from being the most baffling GM decision made this off-season, and those two words are "Garth" and "Snow."
Oh yeah, any new updates on that fake blog that was intended to look like it was written by fans but was really created by an ad agency?
Oh, and one more thing- is it true that if you press your ear against the St Louis Arch during the hockey offseason, you can hear Keith Tkachuck eating?
Get back to me when you can on these important issues.
Still, the only thing that makes me really sad about this whole mess is that it has distracted the hockey community from the stories that are truly important, like Health Magazine naming Dominic Hasek's "Dominator Spirit Pant" the Best Fitness Pant of 2006.
Congratulations on that Spirit Pant, there Dom.
Oh, and your one year deal with the Wings.
But mostly the Spirit pant.
Nice job, buddy.
Yeah, you heard me.
I got about 200 hits before lunchtime this morning, all thanks to a post I wrote last month making fun of the flurry of rumors surrounding Chris Pronger, his wife, and- (well, I wasn't going to repeat it, but screw it), that TV reporter chick he supposedly knocked up.
The whole rumor was kind of stupid, but it had to do with both sex and an NHL all star, which in Edmonton is better than, well- it's the best thing they have going out there. I mean, not to knock Edmonton, I'm sure it's a swell town, but once you've seen a game and taken a picture in front of the Gretzky statue, what are you doing all day? I'll tell you, if I lived up there, I'd probably be obsessing about Chris Pronger and his various "Prongees" as well. And yeah, I know that's a crass thing to say, but just imagine what I could have written if this had happened to Fernando Pisani.
Maybe it's just indicative of the fact that there really is nothing going on in the hockey world right now, but ever since I wrote that post I've been getting a steady stream of visitors, all through various search engines. But the floodgates broke this morning when a hockey columnist in Saint Louis wrote this:
"But there was plenty of amateur rumor mongering after Pronger abruptly requested a trade from the Edmonton Oilers this summer. When you do a Google search on his wife, Lauren Pronger, you come up with some curious stuff. "
Anybody curious exactly what you get?
Well, you get me, St. Louis.
How's it going, assholes?
And while I have you here, how's that whole hire a blowhard announcer for a GM thing going for you? By the way, there are two words that separate you guys from being the most baffling GM decision made this off-season, and those two words are "Garth" and "Snow."
Oh yeah, any new updates on that fake blog that was intended to look like it was written by fans but was really created by an ad agency?
Oh, and one more thing- is it true that if you press your ear against the St Louis Arch during the hockey offseason, you can hear Keith Tkachuck eating?
Get back to me when you can on these important issues.
Still, the only thing that makes me really sad about this whole mess is that it has distracted the hockey community from the stories that are truly important, like Health Magazine naming Dominic Hasek's "Dominator Spirit Pant" the Best Fitness Pant of 2006.
Congratulations on that Spirit Pant, there Dom.
Oh, and your one year deal with the Wings.
But mostly the Spirit pant.
Nice job, buddy.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
WOW!
Get on over to Vancouver Canucks Op Ed.
She's hockey blogging for charity.
Go there and give her some money.
I mean, Christ.
I haven't been posting too frequently of late, frankly because there isn't anything going on in hockey right now, and to force the issue seems a little pathetic. But still, I figure I need to post at least one a week, so- I figure, what the hell? And I churn out my 'Miami Vice' entry.
I'm thinking, yeah man- fuck....why not? It's mid summer, we're all having fun here out by the pool!
Let's bust a movie star's balls!
I'm having a great time, I look on the sitemeter and-
-BOOM-
Vancouver Canucks Op Ed
is blogging for starving kids or something.
I mean, Christ.
Really?
Damn.
Still, I do believe that Colin Farrell, in the movie Miami Vice, looked like the love child of Burt Lahr as the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz, and Patrick Swayze in Road House.
You heard me.
If the Cowardly fucking Lion leapt out of the underbrush and ass-raped Patrick Swayze's character from Road House, and through some unholy magic, caused an ass-pregnancy in the newly created womb of Swayze- then that child, that combination of man, beast, hairspray and latex chin skin makeup would emerge from Swayze's dripping gash and grow to be-
Yes,
Colin Farrell in Miami Vice.
I mean, look at this motherfucker:
Are you kidding me?
But, um- yeah- Vancouver Canucks Op Ed
is raising some money.
I'm ashamed of myself.
So give Vancouver Canucks Op Ed
some money.
Pronto, OK?
She's hockey blogging for charity.
Go there and give her some money.
I mean, Christ.
I haven't been posting too frequently of late, frankly because there isn't anything going on in hockey right now, and to force the issue seems a little pathetic. But still, I figure I need to post at least one a week, so- I figure, what the hell? And I churn out my 'Miami Vice' entry.
I'm thinking, yeah man- fuck....why not? It's mid summer, we're all having fun here out by the pool!
Let's bust a movie star's balls!
I'm having a great time, I look on the sitemeter and-
-BOOM-
Vancouver Canucks Op Ed
is blogging for starving kids or something.
I mean, Christ.
Really?
Damn.
Still, I do believe that Colin Farrell, in the movie Miami Vice, looked like the love child of Burt Lahr as the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz, and Patrick Swayze in Road House.
You heard me.
If the Cowardly fucking Lion leapt out of the underbrush and ass-raped Patrick Swayze's character from Road House, and through some unholy magic, caused an ass-pregnancy in the newly created womb of Swayze- then that child, that combination of man, beast, hairspray and latex chin skin makeup would emerge from Swayze's dripping gash and grow to be-
Yes,
Colin Farrell in Miami Vice.
I mean, look at this motherfucker:
Are you kidding me?
But, um- yeah- Vancouver Canucks Op Ed
is raising some money.
I'm ashamed of myself.
So give Vancouver Canucks Op Ed
some money.
Pronto, OK?
Saturday, July 29, 2006
A few thoughts on the Miami Vice movie, which will come back around to hockey at the end
Hi all.
I just got back from watching the new Miami Vice remake, and- it's not bad, for a summer shoot-em up. I'll tell ya, that Michael Mann knows how to film a dude getting shot.
Still, though- Colin Farrell, man- that guy is the worst. Look at this picture of him from the film:
I mean, for God's sake.
I'd be enjoying the movie, digging on a bit of witty repartee and stylized violence from Tubbs and some blonde paramilitary cop chick, when all of a sudden, this blob of anti-charisma would lumber onscreen, and I'd think-"OK- so what exactly does that hot Asian chick see in this lead singer from a Ratt cover band?" Or, maybe, "Boy! That overweight used car dealer from Buffalo sure seems to have a fast speedboat!" I mean, he's sporting some bad hair and a bad mustache right there. And don't tell me it was set in the 80's, cause they were all over the high tech cell phones.
But honestly, if you're not making a comedy, should Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice really look like The Paul Rudd character from Anchorman? I guess what I'm saying is look at these pictures of people with similar hair as Colin Farrell, under which I have placed some actual dialogue delivered by Farrell in the movie, and you decide if this should have been a drama or a comedy.
"“I'’m a fiend for mojitos"
"Do you understand the meaning of the word 'foreboding', as in badness is happening right now? "
"Probability is like gravity. And you can't argue with gravity."
I told you it would come back around to hockey.
Cut me some slack, we're in late July over here.
I just got back from watching the new Miami Vice remake, and- it's not bad, for a summer shoot-em up. I'll tell ya, that Michael Mann knows how to film a dude getting shot.
Still, though- Colin Farrell, man- that guy is the worst. Look at this picture of him from the film:
I mean, for God's sake.
I'd be enjoying the movie, digging on a bit of witty repartee and stylized violence from Tubbs and some blonde paramilitary cop chick, when all of a sudden, this blob of anti-charisma would lumber onscreen, and I'd think-"OK- so what exactly does that hot Asian chick see in this lead singer from a Ratt cover band?" Or, maybe, "Boy! That overweight used car dealer from Buffalo sure seems to have a fast speedboat!" I mean, he's sporting some bad hair and a bad mustache right there. And don't tell me it was set in the 80's, cause they were all over the high tech cell phones.
But honestly, if you're not making a comedy, should Sonny Crockett from Miami Vice really look like The Paul Rudd character from Anchorman? I guess what I'm saying is look at these pictures of people with similar hair as Colin Farrell, under which I have placed some actual dialogue delivered by Farrell in the movie, and you decide if this should have been a drama or a comedy.
"“I'’m a fiend for mojitos"
"Do you understand the meaning of the word 'foreboding', as in badness is happening right now? "
"Probability is like gravity. And you can't argue with gravity."
I told you it would come back around to hockey.
Cut me some slack, we're in late July over here.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Ask Tie Domi
OK- so by this time, we all know that Tie Domi has been bought out of his contract by the Maple Leafs, and in all likelihood, will not be picked up by another team. We'll see. And while he's no Steve Yzerman, I'm sad to see him go for what he has been for the game. He's the kind of guy who I'm tempted to say "love him or hate him," but to be honest, I can't think of anybody who hates him.
OK, other than, say- John Kordic, who I single out here for being the recipient of Domi's wrath in this short clip that allows us to ask the question: "How many solid, unblocked shots to the face do you think one man can land in less than 12 seconds?"
I counted at least seven, and fell even deeper in love with YouTube.
OK- even if you hated him, I bet you'd admit that you at least loved to hate him, and hockey, more than almost any other sport, is best enjoyed with a villain or two.
So here's to Tie Domi.
C'mon! look at the little fella!
Anyway, I was perusing his website today, (where I found the Santa hat pictures) when I came across this Tie Domi FAQ (Frequently asked questions) section. Apparently, he likes Italian food and his favorite band is the Eagles.
Am I crazy, or are these nowhere near the kinds of questions that you would like to see Tie Domi answer?
I've complied a list of questions that I would be more interested in seeing Tie answer, but as I'm fairly sure they won't be asked very frequently, I've included my own answers.
ASK TIE DOMI:
Question#1: Dear Tie, who do you think would win in a fight between you and a Lion?
My answer: The Lion.
It would attack you, tear you up with its claws, and then devour you in messy chunks. Still, you'd get some shots in, and let's be honest, Donald Brashear wouldn't fare much better. It definitely wouldn't be the Lion's easiest day. I do think that you could kick a leopard's ass though.
Question#2: Who do you think would win in a fight between you and a Lion with no claws or teeth?
My answer: You.
The Lion would pounce on you, and try to bite, but just end up gumming that bullet-shaped head of yours for a while. It would be sloppy work, but that's when you would start working the Lion's ribs with a series of devastating lefts and rights. The Lion would eventually relent, and you'd have a beer together. Or, you'd have a beer, and the Lion would have a tall glass of finely pureed gazelle meat.
Question #3: Who do you think would win in a fight between you and a Lion with teeth but no claws?
My answer: A toss up. This could be the greatest fight in recorded history. It would come down to diet and training on both sides. Honestly, I feel that the Lion could sink his teeth at least 2 inches into your head, and I still wouldn't count you out. It would be epic.
Question #4: Is it true that your skeleton is laced with Adamantium, the strongest metal ever forged?
My answer: No
Just because you are small, hairy, Canadian and fierce does not necessarily mean that you were transformed into a crazed assassin with retractable claws in your wrists by the government, and driven half mad with bloodlust before coming to stay at Professor Xavier's school for gifted youngsters. But if you had been, you would have been really, really good at it.
Question #5: Really? The Eagles? I mean, goddamnit, man- the fucking Eagles? Really?
Answer: (sigh) Yeah, probably.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Garth Snow is the GM of the Islanders.
OK- I know that this is kind of old news, it was announced a few days ago, but I guess after I jumped the gun on the announcement that Phil Kessel was going back to play in Minnesota, I've been kind of sitting around waiting for an official press release reading something like this:
PRESS RELEASE
ISLANDERS OWNERSHIP BUSTS OUT LAUGHING ABOUT FALSE GM RUMOR; "OF COURSE WE WERE JUST FUCKIN' WITH YOU!"
7/21/2006- Managing owner of the New York Islanders approached a podium for his weekly address to the media this afternoon and toppled over in a fit of "the giggles" after being barraged with questions about former backup goaltender Garth Snow being named General Manager of the club this week. "Garth Snow?! The GM? Of course we were just fuckin' with you! We've been fucking with Islander fans for years! I mean, show of hands- how many here actually thought my real name was Wang?!"
And so, the second largest practical joke ever foisted on the fans and followers of the National Hockey League came to an end after Doug Peterson, the Islanders owner who had apparently been telling reporters for years now that he was named "Charles Wang" stood giggling like an idiot on a podium. "Yeah- sure that was my name. Hi, I'm Mister Charles Wang, and this my assistant, Chubby McBallsack!"
The assembled throng of reporters waited politely as the owner formerly known as Wang continued to guffaw at his own joke.
"I mean, I thought it was funny enough when I started calling myself Wang, but none of you got it, so I put the Gorton's fisherman on the jerseys!" When nobody got that, I hired a GM who was best known for beating a fan with his own shoe, and traded Bertuzzi and McCabe for Linden! Can you imagine?! We were pissing our pants at that one, but again, nobody laughed! So we sent Zdeno Chara and a number one pick that would become Jason Spezza to Ottawa for Alexei Yashin. And you thought we were serious?! When we shipped out Luongo and Jokinen for Parrish and Kvasha I was sure SOMEBODY would get that we were fucking with you, but no! Anyway, I figured screw it, why don't we tell them that the new GM is...hold on wait for it...Garth Snow! I mean, Christ- he isn't even that good at playing hockey! We were practically dying with laughter up here. But yeah- it's a joke. So- we're sorry."
As the flashbulbs popped off in Peterson's face, he giggled some more, and took a sip of water.
"Christ," he moaned, "my fucking sides hurt over here- can somebody hand me a towel?"
Of course, the first largest practical joke in NHL history wrapped up several months ago, when Anaheim Mighty Ducks officially dropped the "Mighty," and removed the Donald Duck logo from their jerseys, saying (rather similarly) "What- we were going to name an NHL franchise after an Emilio Estevez movie? Of course we were fuckin' with you!"
And indeed they were.
Contact:
Ritch Duncan
Rduncan357@gmail.com
(234) 578-9152477
Source: Syndicated News, Inc.
PRESS RELEASE
ISLANDERS OWNERSHIP BUSTS OUT LAUGHING ABOUT FALSE GM RUMOR; "OF COURSE WE WERE JUST FUCKIN' WITH YOU!"
7/21/2006- Managing owner of the New York Islanders approached a podium for his weekly address to the media this afternoon and toppled over in a fit of "the giggles" after being barraged with questions about former backup goaltender Garth Snow being named General Manager of the club this week. "Garth Snow?! The GM? Of course we were just fuckin' with you! We've been fucking with Islander fans for years! I mean, show of hands- how many here actually thought my real name was Wang?!"
And so, the second largest practical joke ever foisted on the fans and followers of the National Hockey League came to an end after Doug Peterson, the Islanders owner who had apparently been telling reporters for years now that he was named "Charles Wang" stood giggling like an idiot on a podium. "Yeah- sure that was my name. Hi, I'm Mister Charles Wang, and this my assistant, Chubby McBallsack!"
The assembled throng of reporters waited politely as the owner formerly known as Wang continued to guffaw at his own joke.
"I mean, I thought it was funny enough when I started calling myself Wang, but none of you got it, so I put the Gorton's fisherman on the jerseys!" When nobody got that, I hired a GM who was best known for beating a fan with his own shoe, and traded Bertuzzi and McCabe for Linden! Can you imagine?! We were pissing our pants at that one, but again, nobody laughed! So we sent Zdeno Chara and a number one pick that would become Jason Spezza to Ottawa for Alexei Yashin. And you thought we were serious?! When we shipped out Luongo and Jokinen for Parrish and Kvasha I was sure SOMEBODY would get that we were fucking with you, but no! Anyway, I figured screw it, why don't we tell them that the new GM is...hold on wait for it...Garth Snow! I mean, Christ- he isn't even that good at playing hockey! We were practically dying with laughter up here. But yeah- it's a joke. So- we're sorry."
As the flashbulbs popped off in Peterson's face, he giggled some more, and took a sip of water.
"Christ," he moaned, "my fucking sides hurt over here- can somebody hand me a towel?"
Of course, the first largest practical joke in NHL history wrapped up several months ago, when Anaheim Mighty Ducks officially dropped the "Mighty," and removed the Donald Duck logo from their jerseys, saying (rather similarly) "What- we were going to name an NHL franchise after an Emilio Estevez movie? Of course we were fuckin' with you!"
And indeed they were.
Contact:
Ritch Duncan
Rduncan357@gmail.com
(234) 578-9152477
Source: Syndicated News, Inc.
Friday, July 14, 2006
The hottest hockey ticket of 2006-07.
Golden Gophers hockey.
They'll have #1 overall pick Eric Johnson (St. Louis) and #5 overall pick Phil Kessel (Boston Bruins) both returning to play for the University of Minnesota. Johnson is old news, but the Minneapolis Star Tribune ran a story about Kessel's decision yesterday, and the Boston Globe picked it up today. Scroll down, it's in there.
Christ, if there was ever a time to get into college hockey, this is it.
UPDATE: It seems that Kessel's situation is still unclear - the Star Tribune jumped the gun. Click the link for the full story from the Globe. I'll tell you, if you're in doubt about a hockey rumor, go with DuPont's version. I get the sense he's a bit of a prick, but the real deal, certainly.
Hey "Versus" network- (I still can't get used to that name, and wrote about it here.) are you listening?
Cause if you really "believe in hockey," you should know that any respectable hockey fan would LOVE to see Kessel and Johnson playing together. And you think the opposition won't be up for it? Anybody know how to get tickets? Drop me a line, cause I wanna go.
Oh, and if there are people from "Versus" watching this, do us all a favor and check out this . It's Sportsnet Canada's list of games to watch for this season. Now, I know that your ratings get a little boost when you show big market games like the Rangers playing Philly, but real hockey fans would much rather see a game like the 'Canes home opener against Buffalo on October 4th. The rematch of game seven of the Eastern Conference final is the game everybody wants to see, and there's sure to be a surly contingent of Sabres fans making the trip. Remember, Sabres fans hate Hurricanes more than the entire city of New Orleans.
On the other side of things, you might never see a more effusive lovefest for a returning/visiting player than on January 7th when Todd Bertuzzi returns to Vancouver as a member of the Florida Panthers. It will be a wonderful display of affection marred only by an incident in which, and you heard it here first, Bertuzzi will break Markus Naslund's neck.
Talk about awkward.
While the crowd reaction will be anybody's guess on December 9th when Zdeno Chara returns to Ottawa in a Bruins sweater, The Edmonton crowd reaction will be a bit easier to predict on November 28th when Chris Pronger comes back. I'll go ahead and assume Lauren will be staying in Anaheim for that one. The mightiest ducks of all will be shown off by Pronger, who'll be ducking questions like crazy at the post-game press conference. And yes, please show us the press conference.
A few others that aren't on the list:
Nov 2: NY Rangers at San Jose Sharks
Jagr and Thornton, who battled over the scoring lead and the Hart trophy all season face off for the only time next season, in a battle of the big men. Yes, they both choke in the playoffs, but THIS ISN'T THE PLAYOFFS.
Should be a good one.
October 18th: Canadiens at Blackhawks:
OK- I know, but c'mon! Original six! Plus, the Hawks added Havlat and Smolinski, you never see the Blackhawks on TV anymore, and if the Hawks were good this year, it'd be fun to see it early. Plus, Mike Ribeiro is back with the Canadiens, and I love to root for somebody to punch that guy in the mouth. Seriously, what a little weasel. I hate the Canadiens. I even wrote about it once. Thank God my prediction was wrong.
Multiple dates: Colorado Avalanche at (anywhere)
These will not be as interesting for the games themselves, but just to see if while the Avs are on the road, goalie Jose Theodore stays at the Hilton.
(snicker, snicker)
Am I missing anything?
Probably.
Oh, but seriously, I want Golden Gopher tickets.
Tell me how.
They'll have #1 overall pick Eric Johnson (St. Louis) and #5 overall pick Phil Kessel (Boston Bruins) both returning to play for the University of Minnesota. Johnson is old news, but the Minneapolis Star Tribune ran a story about Kessel's decision yesterday, and the Boston Globe picked it up today. Scroll down, it's in there.
Christ, if there was ever a time to get into college hockey, this is it.
UPDATE: It seems that Kessel's situation is still unclear - the Star Tribune jumped the gun. Click the link for the full story from the Globe. I'll tell you, if you're in doubt about a hockey rumor, go with DuPont's version. I get the sense he's a bit of a prick, but the real deal, certainly.
Hey "Versus" network- (I still can't get used to that name, and wrote about it here.) are you listening?
Cause if you really "believe in hockey," you should know that any respectable hockey fan would LOVE to see Kessel and Johnson playing together. And you think the opposition won't be up for it? Anybody know how to get tickets? Drop me a line, cause I wanna go.
Oh, and if there are people from "Versus" watching this, do us all a favor and check out this . It's Sportsnet Canada's list of games to watch for this season. Now, I know that your ratings get a little boost when you show big market games like the Rangers playing Philly, but real hockey fans would much rather see a game like the 'Canes home opener against Buffalo on October 4th. The rematch of game seven of the Eastern Conference final is the game everybody wants to see, and there's sure to be a surly contingent of Sabres fans making the trip. Remember, Sabres fans hate Hurricanes more than the entire city of New Orleans.
On the other side of things, you might never see a more effusive lovefest for a returning/visiting player than on January 7th when Todd Bertuzzi returns to Vancouver as a member of the Florida Panthers. It will be a wonderful display of affection marred only by an incident in which, and you heard it here first, Bertuzzi will break Markus Naslund's neck.
Talk about awkward.
While the crowd reaction will be anybody's guess on December 9th when Zdeno Chara returns to Ottawa in a Bruins sweater, The Edmonton crowd reaction will be a bit easier to predict on November 28th when Chris Pronger comes back. I'll go ahead and assume Lauren will be staying in Anaheim for that one. The mightiest ducks of all will be shown off by Pronger, who'll be ducking questions like crazy at the post-game press conference. And yes, please show us the press conference.
A few others that aren't on the list:
Nov 2: NY Rangers at San Jose Sharks
Jagr and Thornton, who battled over the scoring lead and the Hart trophy all season face off for the only time next season, in a battle of the big men. Yes, they both choke in the playoffs, but THIS ISN'T THE PLAYOFFS.
Should be a good one.
October 18th: Canadiens at Blackhawks:
OK- I know, but c'mon! Original six! Plus, the Hawks added Havlat and Smolinski, you never see the Blackhawks on TV anymore, and if the Hawks were good this year, it'd be fun to see it early. Plus, Mike Ribeiro is back with the Canadiens, and I love to root for somebody to punch that guy in the mouth. Seriously, what a little weasel. I hate the Canadiens. I even wrote about it once. Thank God my prediction was wrong.
Multiple dates: Colorado Avalanche at (anywhere)
These will not be as interesting for the games themselves, but just to see if while the Avs are on the road, goalie Jose Theodore stays at the Hilton.
(snicker, snicker)
Am I missing anything?
Probably.
Oh, but seriously, I want Golden Gopher tickets.
Tell me how.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Only 6 months 'till Christmas!
And here it is, fresh from eBay, the Clint Marlarchuk severed throat action figure!
Thanks to Jack for the find.
And while I'm sharing things, I found this on the stinging nettle:
Look-it's the 1980's Wendy's Grill Tutorial Rap!
Or for some entertainment you can laugh a little more with than at, check out my buddy Ben's new animation project Unleashed .
Funny, short, bite-sized cartoons.
Who has a problem with that?
They have nothing to do with hockey, but I'll tell you, after that Malarchuk doll, I owe you guys exactly dick.
Enjoy the week, people.
Thanks to Jack for the find.
And while I'm sharing things, I found this on the stinging nettle:
Look-it's the 1980's Wendy's Grill Tutorial Rap!
Or for some entertainment you can laugh a little more with than at, check out my buddy Ben's new animation project Unleashed .
Funny, short, bite-sized cartoons.
Who has a problem with that?
They have nothing to do with hockey, but I'll tell you, after that Malarchuk doll, I owe you guys exactly dick.
Enjoy the week, people.
Top 40
So- have you ever been to the Battle of California blog?
It's devoted to the rivalries between the Ducks, Sharks and Kings, and is a fun read. Anyway, this kid James, who's one of the authors of that site, left a comment yesterday saying I'm hilarious, so I immediately visited his site to see what else this man of obvious wisdom and good taste had to offer.
He had some good stuff today about what San Jose got out of the Havlat deal, which they were involved in along with Chicago and Ottawa. But before I knew it, thanks to a link he had in another post that mentioned Chris Pronger, I found myself back on the site where pretty much anybody who fancies themselves a humorous sportswriter ends up eventually, the Bill Simmons page at ESPN's Page 2. As far as cracking wise about sports goes, it seems his career is pretty much the pinnacle, in that he's funny, knows his shit, and people actually read him.
Anyway, he had a column up there about the 40 best valued players in the NBA, which to me, was sobering, as I am so willfully ignorant about basketball that reading the boldface names listed on the front page of the article was an experience somewhat akin to perusing an online generator of baby names. I mean, they were perfectly nice names, I guess, but they meant absolutely nothing to me.
Here are the first few names I saw:
Al Jefferson:
You know who that is? I sure don't. He sounds like a plumber to me. Like the kind of guy who would answer his phone at work by saying "Jeffersons, this is Al. "
Zach Randolph:
Again, a total fucking blank. If I was pressed on this name in say, a quiz show environment, I might say that he was the actor who played the lead in Gremlins. OK I just looked it up on IMBD, and that was Zach Galligan. The point I'm making is, basketball is not my game.
Still, as Bill Simmons is pretty much the man when it comes to this online funny sports writing thing I'm doing, I thought It might behoove me to at least try to test my ability to do what he does. Of course, I don't know anything about basketball, so I thought I'd be upfront about it.
And so, without any further ado:
THE AMERICAN HOCKEY FAN PRESENTS:
The Top 40 players in the NBA (in that that I have heard of them):
(NOTE: this list is being done without googling these guys or referring back to Simmons or any column. I'm going from memory here, and will do my damndest to get all the way to 40. Let's see how it goes!)
1) Allen Iverson- I liked him. I like the small guys. His nickname is A.I. which is also an awful Steven Spielberg movie. If there were a guy in the NBA whose nickname was "Hook" I'd probably remember him too.
2)Ben Wallace-Huge dude, huge afro. Can you dig it? I can.
3)Paul Pierce- He's on the Celtics and is good, but not good enough right?
4)Antoine Walker-He was on the Celtics, and then wasn't, then was again, then wasn't. Where is he now? I dunno. Eating something, is my guess. He was a heavy man.
5)Vince Carter- He was on the Raptors, and then maybe the Knicks? I dunno. He used to be pretty good at dunking.
6)Shaquille O Neal- Duh. Shaq Fu. I don't believe it took me this long to come up with this one.
7)Dwayne Wade- yeah, little guy on Shaq's team, kinda awesome I think. Did he play with a cold? I think so.
8) Bill Bradley- Presidential candidate. Was on the Knicks once. Can you tell we're getting near the bottom of my knowledge? (Ok- I'll admit, guys who have retired don't count.) I'll do 8 again.
8) Isn't there a European guy named "Shinobly" or something? Yeah- it's like "Chertoff Chinobly?" Something like that. Well, that guy. You know who I mean.
9) Does Vlade Divac (pronounced Dee-Vatch) still play? How about him? Fuck it, I'm counting him.
10) Tim Duncan! Has my last name. Almost forgot about that guy. Looks like the Snuggle bear. You know, from the commercials? I'm right about that.
11) How about David Robinson- he still in the league? I know him too.
12) Alright, now I'm just trying to run through the cast of the movie Space Jam, and I think those dudes are all retired. Lemme see. Uh- fuck. 40 is a lot of guys. I'm tempted to ask my girlfriend. No- no I won't, I'm standing firm. Think, Duncan, think. Who else is in the NBA? WAIT! What's that dude in Minnesota? Kevin Garnett? Is that right? Cool. Kevin Garnett. He's tall.
13) OK- There's Kevin Garnett, and that made me think there might be a guy who has a segmented nickname, like A-rod. Wait- that just made me think of a long name. Stodimeire? There's a guy named Stodimire, right? Is first name is exotic, I'm pretty pure, something like "Amare." Yeah- Amare Stodimeyer. Maybe. I'm going with that.
14) OK- only 27 more. Only 27 more, and the only thing I can think of is Manute Bol. Fuck. I'm out.
Oh well.
Lemme restate the premise, clean up and republish- here goes:
THE AMERICAN HOCKEY FAN PRESENTS:
THE TOP 13 PLAYERS IN THE NBA!
1) Allen Iverson
2) Ben Wallace
3) Paul Pierce
4) Antoine Walker
5) Vince Carter
6) Shaquille O Neal
7) Dwayne Wade
8) Chertoff Shinobly
9) Vlade Divac
10) Tim Duncan
11) David Robinson
12) Kevin Garnett.
13) Amare Stodimeyer.
Fuck it, I'm sticking to hockey.
And don't even get me started on this World Cup bullshit.
It's devoted to the rivalries between the Ducks, Sharks and Kings, and is a fun read. Anyway, this kid James, who's one of the authors of that site, left a comment yesterday saying I'm hilarious, so I immediately visited his site to see what else this man of obvious wisdom and good taste had to offer.
He had some good stuff today about what San Jose got out of the Havlat deal, which they were involved in along with Chicago and Ottawa. But before I knew it, thanks to a link he had in another post that mentioned Chris Pronger, I found myself back on the site where pretty much anybody who fancies themselves a humorous sportswriter ends up eventually, the Bill Simmons page at ESPN's Page 2. As far as cracking wise about sports goes, it seems his career is pretty much the pinnacle, in that he's funny, knows his shit, and people actually read him.
Anyway, he had a column up there about the 40 best valued players in the NBA, which to me, was sobering, as I am so willfully ignorant about basketball that reading the boldface names listed on the front page of the article was an experience somewhat akin to perusing an online generator of baby names. I mean, they were perfectly nice names, I guess, but they meant absolutely nothing to me.
Here are the first few names I saw:
Al Jefferson:
You know who that is? I sure don't. He sounds like a plumber to me. Like the kind of guy who would answer his phone at work by saying "Jeffersons, this is Al. "
Zach Randolph:
Again, a total fucking blank. If I was pressed on this name in say, a quiz show environment, I might say that he was the actor who played the lead in Gremlins. OK I just looked it up on IMBD, and that was Zach Galligan. The point I'm making is, basketball is not my game.
Still, as Bill Simmons is pretty much the man when it comes to this online funny sports writing thing I'm doing, I thought It might behoove me to at least try to test my ability to do what he does. Of course, I don't know anything about basketball, so I thought I'd be upfront about it.
And so, without any further ado:
THE AMERICAN HOCKEY FAN PRESENTS:
The Top 40 players in the NBA (in that that I have heard of them):
(NOTE: this list is being done without googling these guys or referring back to Simmons or any column. I'm going from memory here, and will do my damndest to get all the way to 40. Let's see how it goes!)
1) Allen Iverson- I liked him. I like the small guys. His nickname is A.I. which is also an awful Steven Spielberg movie. If there were a guy in the NBA whose nickname was "Hook" I'd probably remember him too.
2)Ben Wallace-Huge dude, huge afro. Can you dig it? I can.
3)Paul Pierce- He's on the Celtics and is good, but not good enough right?
4)Antoine Walker-He was on the Celtics, and then wasn't, then was again, then wasn't. Where is he now? I dunno. Eating something, is my guess. He was a heavy man.
5)Vince Carter- He was on the Raptors, and then maybe the Knicks? I dunno. He used to be pretty good at dunking.
6)Shaquille O Neal- Duh. Shaq Fu. I don't believe it took me this long to come up with this one.
7)Dwayne Wade- yeah, little guy on Shaq's team, kinda awesome I think. Did he play with a cold? I think so.
8) Bill Bradley- Presidential candidate. Was on the Knicks once. Can you tell we're getting near the bottom of my knowledge? (Ok- I'll admit, guys who have retired don't count.) I'll do 8 again.
8) Isn't there a European guy named "Shinobly" or something? Yeah- it's like "Chertoff Chinobly?" Something like that. Well, that guy. You know who I mean.
9) Does Vlade Divac (pronounced Dee-Vatch) still play? How about him? Fuck it, I'm counting him.
10) Tim Duncan! Has my last name. Almost forgot about that guy. Looks like the Snuggle bear. You know, from the commercials? I'm right about that.
11) How about David Robinson- he still in the league? I know him too.
12) Alright, now I'm just trying to run through the cast of the movie Space Jam, and I think those dudes are all retired. Lemme see. Uh- fuck. 40 is a lot of guys. I'm tempted to ask my girlfriend. No- no I won't, I'm standing firm. Think, Duncan, think. Who else is in the NBA? WAIT! What's that dude in Minnesota? Kevin Garnett? Is that right? Cool. Kevin Garnett. He's tall.
13) OK- There's Kevin Garnett, and that made me think there might be a guy who has a segmented nickname, like A-rod. Wait- that just made me think of a long name. Stodimeire? There's a guy named Stodimire, right? Is first name is exotic, I'm pretty pure, something like "Amare." Yeah- Amare Stodimeyer. Maybe. I'm going with that.
14) OK- only 27 more. Only 27 more, and the only thing I can think of is Manute Bol. Fuck. I'm out.
Oh well.
Lemme restate the premise, clean up and republish- here goes:
THE AMERICAN HOCKEY FAN PRESENTS:
THE TOP 13 PLAYERS IN THE NBA!
1) Allen Iverson
2) Ben Wallace
3) Paul Pierce
4) Antoine Walker
5) Vince Carter
6) Shaquille O Neal
7) Dwayne Wade
8) Chertoff Shinobly
9) Vlade Divac
10) Tim Duncan
11) David Robinson
12) Kevin Garnett.
13) Amare Stodimeyer.
Fuck it, I'm sticking to hockey.
And don't even get me started on this World Cup bullshit.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Glen Sather's off the wagon.
Well, how long did he last?
How many long months, how many meetings did he attend?
I can see it now:
INT: A church basement, New York, NY sometime in late 2005. Pictures of Bill Guerinon the Stars, Marty Lapointe on the Bruins and Sergei Federov on the Ducks cover the walls with the slogan "DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!" A crowd of overweight, whitehaired Canadians are assembled in wooden folding chairs. GLEN SATHER, GM of the New York Rangers approaches the podium, clears his throat and begins to speak.
GLEN SATHER: "Hi- I'm Glen, and I'm a free agent-a-holic"
ASSEMBLED GM'S: "HI, GLEN"!
GLEN SATHER: I Don't know how it started, I mean, I used to be with the Edmonton Oliers in the 1980's, and I mean- we just couldn't lose.Those players, that squad- they had to put it in their own net to lose cups. I had them once, and when it ended, I needed to get the team back together. I needed it. I got to New York, and once I saw how pretty Messier looked in Ranger blue... and that all it took was money, not even MY money, well- I, I just had to have them. All of them.
(Sobs are heard from the audience. Sather pauses as several GM's attend to a visibly distraught Bobby Clarke)
BOBBY CLARKE: I know. I know...(inaudible as sobs increase)
But I got better. I hit bottom, we locked out the players, got the financial setup we wanted, actually a financial system better than we could even have dreamed. I kept a star player and surrounded him with youth and members of his home country. And now, coming up on the Olympic break, it seems the Rangers are approaching respectability. Of course, both myself and this organization could never have gotten to this point without the help and support of both my higher power, my sponsor and the wisdom I gain from these meetings.
ASSEMBLED GM'S: KEEP COMING!
GLEN SATHER: Thank you. Thank you all. One day at a time.
FLASH FORWARD TO JULY, 2006. SATHER IS IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION, WATCHING A REPEATED LOOP OF ZDENO CHARA PULLING ON A BRUINS JERSEY. HIS HANDS ARE SHAKING. HE TAKES A LARGE DRINKING GLASS OFF THE SHELF, AND FILLS IT TO THE TOP WITH SCOTCH, WHICH HE HANDILY DRAINS. HE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS.
GLEN SATHER: Hi- Is this Brendon Shanahan? Glen Sather- New York Rangers. Do I have an deal for you....
How many long months, how many meetings did he attend?
I can see it now:
INT: A church basement, New York, NY sometime in late 2005. Pictures of Bill Guerinon the Stars, Marty Lapointe on the Bruins and Sergei Federov on the Ducks cover the walls with the slogan "DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!" A crowd of overweight, whitehaired Canadians are assembled in wooden folding chairs. GLEN SATHER, GM of the New York Rangers approaches the podium, clears his throat and begins to speak.
GLEN SATHER: "Hi- I'm Glen, and I'm a free agent-a-holic"
ASSEMBLED GM'S: "HI, GLEN"!
GLEN SATHER: I Don't know how it started, I mean, I used to be with the Edmonton Oliers in the 1980's, and I mean- we just couldn't lose.Those players, that squad- they had to put it in their own net to lose cups. I had them once, and when it ended, I needed to get the team back together. I needed it. I got to New York, and once I saw how pretty Messier looked in Ranger blue... and that all it took was money, not even MY money, well- I, I just had to have them. All of them.
(Sobs are heard from the audience. Sather pauses as several GM's attend to a visibly distraught Bobby Clarke)
BOBBY CLARKE: I know. I know...(inaudible as sobs increase)
But I got better. I hit bottom, we locked out the players, got the financial setup we wanted, actually a financial system better than we could even have dreamed. I kept a star player and surrounded him with youth and members of his home country. And now, coming up on the Olympic break, it seems the Rangers are approaching respectability. Of course, both myself and this organization could never have gotten to this point without the help and support of both my higher power, my sponsor and the wisdom I gain from these meetings.
ASSEMBLED GM'S: KEEP COMING!
GLEN SATHER: Thank you. Thank you all. One day at a time.
FLASH FORWARD TO JULY, 2006. SATHER IS IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION, WATCHING A REPEATED LOOP OF ZDENO CHARA PULLING ON A BRUINS JERSEY. HIS HANDS ARE SHAKING. HE TAKES A LARGE DRINKING GLASS OFF THE SHELF, AND FILLS IT TO THE TOP WITH SCOTCH, WHICH HE HANDILY DRAINS. HE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS.
GLEN SATHER: Hi- Is this Brendon Shanahan? Glen Sather- New York Rangers. Do I have an deal for you....
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