Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Father of the Bride

Well, we've had some fun with the news that the presumptive Republican Vice Presidential nominee is a hockey mom, and former sports reporter, and I gotta tell you, this story just keeps getting better and better.

The McCain campaign has released a statement that Governor Sarah Palin's 17 year old daughter Bristol is pregnant, and will be not only having the baby, but marrying the father. And here he is:

Courtesy of the New York Post, meet the soon to be happily married 17 year old Levi Johnston, who scored 24 goals in 24 games with the Wasilla High School Warriors despite suffering a cracked bone in his shin during that season.

Enjoy the quotes from his MySpace page (which has now been removed:)

"I'm a f - - -in' redneck" who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes.

"But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some s- - - and just f - - -in' chillin' I guess."

"Ya f - - - with me I'll kick [your] ass," he added.

He also claims to be "in a relationship," but states, "I don't want kids."


Still, seeing as Levi has been pretty clear about his intention to kick the asses of people who fuck with him, let me be clear here-

I'm OK with you, dude. You seem like a little bit of a redneck, but I'm only getting that impression because you, well- called yourself a redneck. It doesn't really take a Jeff Foxworthy to make that leap. But, still, since it's a self imposed title, I'm gonna go ahead and assume that you don't think that's a bad thing. Also, you're 17, and not only scored a goal per game, but also scored with, you know, Bristol, which is no small achievement. She's a fox, no doubt, and while I've never personally had sex with the teenage daughter of an evangelical Christian, I bet it's super fucking hot. I mean, I've seen Footloose, and there's some serious forbidden fruit action going on there.

So on those fronts, good on ya, dude. The no rubber thing is a bummer, but hey, man- you don't need me to tell you that.

Also, and this has nothing to do with you, but I'm really enjoying watching these stuffed shirt right wing pricks choking on their words as they attempt to explain that McCain knew all about how Bristol was pregnant and was OK with it. I'm sure that McCain really wanted to open his convention with a hurricane in New Orleans and a story about an unwanted teenage pregnancy. I mean, family planning arguments aside, nothing puts a bump in the whole "we're making the ticket younger" argument than discovering your injection of youth is about to be a grandmother. I'm guessing that John McCain was just about as pleased to hear about this pregnancy as you were.

Barack Obama has taken the high road with all this, and reminded voters that he was born to an 18 year old mother, but it's not the official Democratic reaction to this that matters. It's the hand wringing for the the Republican family values crowd, and I'm loving watching it unfold. I'm terribly sorry that you're caught in the middle of it, seeing as you had no way of knowing that your girlfriend's mom was going to be potentially a heartbeat away from the Presidency of the United States. I mean, I don't think anybody did.

For Christ's sake- while she was mayor of Wasilla, wasn't this where she worked?

1 comment:

Alec said...

I think he's giving a speech at the convention too. He's going to talk about how John McCain has a shitty wrist shot- even for an old guy, then give the make, model, color, and exact location of the car in which he impregnated the potential VP's daughter in. The specific car will then see the same sales bump as the OJ Bronco and could single-handedly save GM (or Chrysler... or Ford), and mark the turn-around point for our economy. Lets hope it was a hybrid- probably not.