VERY much hockey news today!

So Detroit won the Cup, Barack Obama won the Democratic nomination, and that prick Tiger Woods won another U.S. Open.

Bo-ring.

If you're like me, you're craving something surprising or unpredictable to help pass the long summer months until the puck drops in October. Well my fellow surprise-wanters, look no further.

SOAPnet is launching a new series about hockey.

Yes, SOAPnet. You know SOAPnet. They show soap operas?

So yeah, that's a little surprising. If you want to be further surprised, see if you can guess what established demographic segment of the hockey fanbase they're targeting:

Yes, I spent the morning googling "rob lowe
shirtless." What are you getting at?

Did I mention that at this point in the post, my use of the term "surprise" becomes sarcastic? No? Well, let me further illustrate.

Another surprise is that the show appears to lack authenticity. For one thing, the players' names: Gabe McCall. Trevor Lemonde. Damon Trebuchet. I mean, what the hell? Not a "chuk" in the bunch. And I'm pretty sure at least one of those is a font.

But perhaps most surprising of all, SOAPnet has managed to produce a 2:17 promo for a show about hockey that (spoiler alert!) features NO FUCKING HOCKEY. If you care to sit through the pre-roll commercial for Splenda (a staple in the pantry/breakfast nook of any true hockey fan), you'll see what I mean:

Can you believe that? (Yeah, like you watched the whole thing). In their defense, though, "no hockey whatsoever" is only 3 seconds less than appears in the average NHL promo.

SIDE NOTE/AHF CONTEST BONANZA ANNOUNCEMENT: Five bucks to the first reader who can find a non-ironic embed of the above promo. Post a link in the comments, if you have hours to waste looking for something that doesn't exist. This is not a joke...I will really send you $5.

So I don't know about you, but I'm pretty much set for the summer...assuming I can tear myself away from the Death Metal dog.