Sarah Palin's NHL roundup

Skip to 2:08 for Sarah Palin (nee Heath)'s NHL roundup:

"Hockey Mom" Sarah Palin is McCain's choice for VP.

Well, how about them apples?

Just as we know now that Hillary Clinton would be up at 3:00 in the morning if the red phone rang in the White House, now we can safely know where Alaska Governor and recent Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin will be too- loading the boys into the van so they can make their 5:00 AM icetime for hockey practice.

Can she make policy? I'm not sure, but I bet she makes a mean cup of cocoa.

Way to appeal to the general population of America John McCain, pander to hockey moms, a group that generally live in New England, Buffalo and Minneapolis. I'm sure that New York, Massachusetts, and Minnesota are gonna turn red this time around. Also, she's married to an executive from BP. My brother works there, he likes it fine, and I have no problem with the company, but I gotta tell you, McCain's promise to break the nation's addiction to foreign oil doesn't really take flight when his VP choice is married to an executive from- um, a foreign oil company.

On the bright side, no matter who wins this election, there will be either a black man or a woman in the White House, which is definite progress- or as I call it "Better Luck Next Time Jews!"

But seriously- good pick Johnny.

Nominate a hockey fan. That works great.

Just ask John Kerry.

OK- Here's why Kevin Paul DuPont is awesome.

I've written about how much I've enjoyed reading Kevin Paul DuPont's column in the Boston Globe many times in the past, even if to point out that he's sometimes a grouch who doesn't have enough faith in the Bruins.

But DuPont is an institution, one of the primary reasons I know a lot about the game of hockey, and a solid writer. Sunday isn't Sunday without the Globe's "Hockey Notes."

So here's a recent example of how goddamn great he is.

In case you don't feel like reading the whole article, The Bruins have a new European prospect named Carl Soderburg who is currently playing for a Swedish team called the Malmo Redhawks. How does DuPont know this? Well, cause it's his goddamn job to know these things. He knows shit like that so people like me don't have to, and God Bless him for it. Either way, that's not what I like about this story. Apparently, a local Swedish newspaper column covering the Redhawks claims that Soderberg will be attending Bruins camp this fall, something that the Bruins claim isn't happening until next season. So how does Dupont handle it?

Check this out:

Former Bruins defenseman Michael Thelven, reached by email in Sweden yesterday morning, supplied a translation of the hockeysverige.se story, which had Elefalk saying that Soderberg planned to report to Bruins camp. Peo Larsson, GM of Soderberg's Swedish team, the Malmo Redhawks, also said he didn't understand why Chiarelli felt Soderberg would not attempt to make the Boston team for the upcoming season.

"So it seems all the fans of the Malmo Redhawks," noted the report, as translated by Thelven, "have to wait a little bit longer for further news on where Carl Soderberg will play next season."

Rather than accept the party line from the Bruins that everything is hunky dory, DuPont thinks "who do I know who lives in Sweden, and might be able to help me get to the bottom of this?"

And he thinks- "Oh yeah- ex B's defenseman Michael Thelven, (who last laced them up for the Bruins almost 20 years ago) lives over there now and is the CEO of his own company- I'll drop him an email, and see if he can translate this for me."

So he did, and it worked, which I absolutely love. That's called keeping up your connections, and it's what really good journalists do.

Sadly, it's kind of a boring goddamn story, and who really cares if Soderberg shows up to camp this year or next? Not many people, but I'll tell ya, DuPont does, and in the dog days of summer, it's tough to come up with a hockey article.

Good on ya, KPD.

good on ya.

Watching Olympic Water Polo:

So, has anybody else noticed that the primary difference between water polo and ice hockey is temperature?


















Wouldn't it be more fun like this?

American Hockey Fan Hall of Fame: Cameron Frye

Cameron Frye:

As Ferris Bueller's best friend, the mild mannered Cameron Frye endures.

A wonderful mimic, wingman, son, and lover of fine art, Cameron struggles under the oppressive thumb of his domineering father, until he ultimately rebels, destroying his father's sports car and heroically sticking around to take responsibility for his actions.

Through it all, this emotionally tormented young man wears a Red Wings jersey in the heart of Chicago, back in the 1980's, when being a Blackhawks fan still meant something.

"Hey Cameron- do you realize that if we played by the rules right now, we'd be in gym?"

Cameron Frye, we salute you.

Really, Bruins?

You gave this guy money?



How much again did you pay the special needs FOOTBALL FAN FROM TENNESSEE to hawk the Bruins all you can eat pass?

I want answers.

If the answer isn't "We decided to do something so inexplicably stupid that hockey bloggers across North America would not be able to resist plugging the new Bruins free popcorn seats" than I'll be pissed.

Actually, if that is the answer, I have to admit, it's kind of brilliant.

So how'd you come up with that idea? Oh, I know- I bet you said- "you know what the problem was with trading Joe Thornton for Marco Sturm, Wayne Primeau, and Brad Stuart? Doing it without tying in a plug for the free food in the upper deck ticket packs. Next time we do something that is totally fucking ridiculous, let's move some nosebleeds!"

RIP "The Nosebleeds"

Well, as some of you know- I was one of the writers for the comedy sports blog "The Nosebleeds." That blog was funny, and a lot of fun, until, well- we all just stopped writing. Not quite sure how that happened, but there you go.

Now that the blog has been "suspended for lack of payment," and the editor, the very funny comedian Liam McEneaney, is performing over in Scotland, I'm gonna go ahead and call it.

The Nosebleeds is dead.

And since there isn't a heck of a lot of hockey news, I thought I'd raid the raw files of the Nosebleeds, and re-print one of my favorite posts. Originally posted on August 15th of last year, it dealt with Michael Vick, who at the time, had been indicted on dogfighting charges, but not convicted.

The following post was written by my cat Grapes, and brings the kind of perspective to the dogfighting issue that only a cat can bring. In case you think this is a stretch for AHF, Grapes is named for Don Cherry, which makes it about as hockey related as I can muster on the 31st of July.

Enjoy:


Michael Vick Deserves Our Support

By Grapes the Cat, Guest Columnist for the Nosebleeds

Greetings sports fans! As I was lying atop a newspaper today, I noticed that Michael Vick is facing Federal charges of dogfighting. Most of the sports community is either condemning Vick outright, or withholding judgment until due process takes it's course. I would like to recommend a third path, and send a passionate, heartfelt message of support to Michael Vick on behalf of not only myself, but cats in general:

We support you Michael Vick.

In a related point, fuck dogs.

Seriously, dogs are assholes, generally stupid, and deserve whatever they get.

Dogs were shot? Sweet.
Dogs were hung? Awesome.
Dogs were drowned? Great News!
Dogs were electrocuted? My only regret is I can't see every single one of those filthy, vicious pricks bursting into a shower of sparks on Youtube.

For Christ's sake, look at what you're defending!

Yeah, let's all make sure these fucking idiots are well cared for.

I have heard that dogfighting is cruel, but I respectfully disagree. It is really, really funny. We all know the dog that loses the fight gets killed. While that is unquestionably awesome, it gets even better. Guess what happens to the winner if he gets injured?

They kill him too!

Ah-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Too bad, Scraps! Congrats on the big win buddy, here's your trophy: it's um, noose-shaped. Oh, my. I apologize. My sides are hurting from laughing so hard at these stupid fucking dogs.

In closing, I would like to urge all of you not to leap to judgment. There is no definitive proof Michael Vick has committed any crimes against dogs, and while all of us earnestly hope that he did, it is also our earnest hope that he will get away with it, and return to a long, prosperous career electrocuting, shooting, hanging and drowning dogs.

Best,

Grapes the Cat.


PS: If you are a dog, go fuck yourself.

Who's got three grand?

If the answer is "you,"well- you could be the lucky hockey fan who gets to go see the New York Rangers kick off their season in Prague, or as John McCain calls it, Czechoslovakia.

Here's a riddle for John McCain:

What's the difference between the New York Rangers and Czechoslovakia?

Czechoslovakia ceased to exist in 1993 whereas the Rangers waited until 1995.

Of course, having the Rangers play in Prague is 100 percent consistent with almost all of the recent signings of the Rangers, namely "a great idea if it happened three years ago."

And I know, many hockey pundits over the past several years have been praising the Rangers and their post-lockout return to being a playoff team, but with the "don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out" departure of Ranger captain and Czech star Jaromir Jagr, and the signings of the past-his-prime Marcus Naslund and soon-to-be past-his-prime Wade Redden, it looks like we are seeing a return to the disastrous decisions that not only led the Rangers into years of soaring payrolls and a complete lack of team chemistry, but the utter abandonment of the only thing that actually worked for the Rangers over the past decade, the creation of a team identity built around Jagr and young Czech players.

Check out this post-lockout 2005 New York Times article about the first place Rangers and team identity. There might be a login required, so here's the pertinent passage:

New York reminds Jagr of European cities, and his preponderance of Czech teammates makes him feel almost at home.

His roommate on the Upper West Side is the Czech rookie Petr Prucha. His car pool to practice includes the Czech veterans Martin Rucinsky and Martin Straka. Jagr usually sits in the back, sipping a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper. The group chats exclusively in Czech.

The car pool has grown this season. The Rangers now have six Czech players on their roster and three players who used to be with Jagr in Pittsburgh. "It's all by design," Rangers Coach Tom Renney said. "You can tell they enjoy each other's company."

Not only are the Rangers in first place in the Atlantic Division, but Jagr also leads the N.H.L. with 12 goals and Straka has complemented him with 13 assists. During games, Jagr and Straka continually gesture to each other, flashing the same sort of hand signals they used to give with the Penguins.

"We had this situation in Pittsburgh with a lot of Czech guys around him," said Michal Rozsival, a Rangers defenseman from the Czech Republic who played with Jagr in Pittsburgh. "He was always happy, always upbeat. He looks the same right now."

The only remaining Czech players on the Rangers are Rozsival, who remains a solid defenseman, Petr Prucha, who despite a promising rookie season has been invisible of late, and Marek Malik, a hulking oaf who gets booed by his home crowd practically every time he hits the ice, and whose unrestricted free agent status leaves him still available to any NHL General Manager willing to part with a used puck bag.

So good luck on the Prague trip, Rangers. I'm sure the locals will be thrilled to come out and cheer for Dan Fritsche.

So it seems that the Rangers have managed completely recover from one of the two brilliant hockey decisions they have made in the past decade- establishing a team identity. (The other one was signing Henrik Lundquist.) Now, after booting their captain, letting character guy and fan favorite Sean Avery walk out the door, leaving Brendan Shanahan unsigned and likely retiring, the Rangers have effectively created another power vaccum for who is going to lead their team. Will it be Drury? Gomez? Naslund? Unless a major surprise happens and this team miraculously becomes greater than the sum of it's mismatched parts, the Rangers are threatening to reclaim their throne as the Toronto Maple Leafs of the United States hockey market, filled with aging players with no chemistry and no chance at the cup, with the one difference being that they'll never have to deal with all that annoying "fan interest" and "demand for tickets" that Toronto struggles with. All things considered, it's a miracle the Rangers didn't end up with Mats Sundin.

As a dedicated Bruins fan, no one wanted to see the Rangers and Bruins face off in the Winter Classic in the last game ever played in Yankee Stadium more than me. But as a general hockey fan who wants to see the game grow, I certainly don't want a team with no identity on the stage that was established last year as such a triumphant showcase for the league.

I have always hated Jaromir Jagr. I hated him for beating my team when he played great, and I hated his lack of passion for the game when he didn't. But hockey has always needed bad guys, and as I see Jaromir Jagr step off the NHL stage, I realize I never hated the man, I just loved to hate the player. And now, I'm coming around to the belief that the management of the New York Rangers failed him, perhaps starting with the signings of Chris Drury and Scott Gomez, as I wrote about last year.

The cracks in the team chemistry that were caused by that signing, have expanded to shatter the Jaromir Jagr era of the New York Rangers, and any rebuilding that they began.

Now the Rangers and their fans must live with the results.

Let the Gretzky Fleury Lindros Bure Holik Jagr Naslund era begin.

Best. Hockey. Headline. Ever.

Click here and enjoy.

UPDATE: They changed it. The bastards. It used to read: "Leafs give Finger big raise."

Sigh.

Hey Sportsnet! Take a lesson from the New York Post. They don't undo their greatest headlines.

This week in hockey mask news:

Well, the fine folks over at Platinum Dunes, the producers of the highly anticipated remake of Friday the 13th, have officially released photos of the most famous hockey equipment since the era of Gerry Cheevers: the hockey mask of famed slasher Jason Voorhees. The new movie comes out Friday the 13th of February in 2009, and co-stars Mike Modano's wife.

Is it safe to say that hockey is back?

Here's a Friday the 13th themed hockey joke for ya:

Q: What does Hall of Fame hockey coach Toe Blake call a dude who can get up after getting stabbed, shot, electrocuted, run through, and drowned, yet still feels the need to wear a protective hockey mask?

A: A Pussy.

For more on Toe Blake, Jacques Plante, and Clint Benedict click here.
For an awesome punk rock song about Gerry Cheevers, click here.

Fear not, hockey fans:

I have just set up my DVR to record every episode of SoapNet's new hockey series "MVP" which premiered last night. From what we can tell so far, it's less about hockey than it is about a bunch of hot trashy women who are involved with hockey players.

I'm already on board.

That being said, I have a few ideas for episodes-

How about one when the star player takes his team on an underdog run to the the championship game, loses, then his wife demands he be traded in the off season as rumors swirl that he impregnated a local TV reporter!

Or one when the former backup goalie is not only inexplicably promoted to general manager of the team, but unexplained pictures surface of him with a bunch of hot blondes making out with each other!

Or one where the American hockey star's hot wife steals headlines when she nabs a part in the remake of the classic slasher film Friday the 13th!

Actually- forget it. That all sounds WAY too far fetched.

Even for a soap opera.

We'll keep you updated.

For my hockey-related, non hockey entertainment, I'm sticking to reality programming:



(Thanks to Danny for the find)

New York Rangers vs. The NHL?

Strange news out of New York today, as a report has surfaced that the NHL could actually wrest the New York Rangers from the grasp of the MSG (Madison Square Garden) group. MSG is owned and operated by the Dolan family, a group of men whose names alone elicit the same raw, visceral hatred among Ranger fans as the name "Voldemort" does for the student body of Hogwarts.

When I forwarded the article to my Ranger fan buddy Eric, he replied dryly that he hoped that the Dolans and Bettman might "off themselves like in the end of Reservoir Dogs."

Oh, and if I could extend the Reservoir Dogs analogy, the cop who gets tied to a chair, doused in gasoline, has his ear sliced off, and eventually shot to death would be your average New York Knicks fan after this season . (The Dolan's also run the Knicks.)

Apparently, the Dolans have sued the NHL for maintaining a league wide consistency over all NHL team websites, claiming that it violates anti-trust laws and the NHL has responded by threatening disciplinary action for challenging the league constitution.

The NHL team sites are all functional and good looking, if a bit boring, but any team run site is going to have the interests of the team at heart and not print any negative information that might hurt ticket sales. All that seemed fine with me- so what do the Dolans want to do differently?

There isn't anything in the story about WHY the Dolans want to challenge the NHL's website consistency rules, but upon a quick perusal of both the New York Rangers site, and as a sample group, the Boston Bruins or New Jersey Devils sites, the Rangers site has a noticeable difference.

Up on the top of the Rangers site, under the NHL network links and above the consistent looking team website content there are the following links:

* MSG.com
* |Madison Square Garden
* |Radio City Music Hall
* |WaMu Theater at MSG
* |Beacon Theatre
* |The Chicago Theatre
* |MSG Insider
* |NY Knicks
* |NY Liberty


All of these are Dolan holdings, and no such similar link list appears for either the Devils or Bruins. My guess is, the NHL would much rather have the Ranger fans who come to the Rangers team page clicking on links that are NHL properties, as opposed to links that are not. I'm guessing the league told the Dolans they couldn't promote their personal holdings on an NHL website, seeing as the presence of a link to the New York Liberty might distract a Ranger fan from clicking on one of the NHL approved sites, like, you know, Poni23.com, the official website of Alexei Ponikarovsky (Now featuring an actual sculpture of Ponikarovsky's hand, for only $199.99 Canadian!)

I can't imagine that the NHL will actually remove the Rangers from the Dolan Empire, but for the benefit of my Ranger fan pals, here's hoping.

Still, though- if and when this debate fades away, it will be interesting to see if that link list atop NY Rangers dot com fades with it.

I'm betting it will.

VERY much hockey news today!

So Detroit won the Cup, Barack Obama won the Democratic nomination, and that prick Tiger Woods won another U.S. Open.

Bo-ring.

If you're like me, you're craving something surprising or unpredictable to help pass the long summer months until the puck drops in October. Well my fellow surprise-wanters, look no further.

SOAPnet is launching a new series about hockey.

Yes, SOAPnet. You know SOAPnet. They show soap operas?

So yeah, that's a little surprising. If you want to be further surprised, see if you can guess what established demographic segment of the hockey fanbase they're targeting:

Yes, I spent the morning googling "rob lowe
shirtless." What are you getting at?

Did I mention that at this point in the post, my use of the term "surprise" becomes sarcastic? No? Well, let me further illustrate.

Another surprise is that the show appears to lack authenticity. For one thing, the players' names: Gabe McCall. Trevor Lemonde. Damon Trebuchet. I mean, what the hell? Not a "chuk" in the bunch. And I'm pretty sure at least one of those is a font.

But perhaps most surprising of all, SOAPnet has managed to produce a 2:17 promo for a show about hockey that (spoiler alert!) features NO FUCKING HOCKEY. If you care to sit through the pre-roll commercial for Splenda (a staple in the pantry/breakfast nook of any true hockey fan), you'll see what I mean:

Can you believe that? (Yeah, like you watched the whole thing). In their defense, though, "no hockey whatsoever" is only 3 seconds less than appears in the average NHL promo.

SIDE NOTE/AHF CONTEST BONANZA ANNOUNCEMENT: Five bucks to the first reader who can find a non-ironic embed of the above promo. Post a link in the comments, if you have hours to waste looking for something that doesn't exist. This is not a joke...I will really send you $5.

So I don't know about you, but I'm pretty much set for the summer...assuming I can tear myself away from the Death Metal dog.

Not much hockey news today

What, can you think of anything better for today?

In case you haven't seen it.

The best 10 minutes of Bruins hockey in almost 20 years:

Rest in Peace, Tim Russert

It's hard to believe, but it's true.

NBC News Washington Bureau Chief, host of "Meet the Press" and longtime Buffalo Sabres fan Tim Russert has died today of a heart attack.

I have written about him fondly before, here and here.

Here's a recent clip of him at the end of Meet the Press rooting on the Caps in these playoffs, as his Sabres failed to qualify this year.



This is just tremendously sad.

NHL AWARDS: Big Winner, Big Loser

The Big Winner:

Who Else? Number 8, Alexander Ovechkin. Takes home a sideboard worth of hardware, and gives the fans of the Washington Capitals even more reason to salivate over the beginning of next season.

The Big Loser:

Whoever the poor bastard was who got stuck sitting behind Zdeno Chara for the whole evening.

Hey- how about those dicks on TSN?

Dominick Hasek announced his retirement this week, and as a longtime fan of the game, I'll say that he should be a first ballot hall of famer, and deserves nothing but praise for the seasons of excellent memories and plays he brought to the NHL.

After saying that, I'd also like to take a shot at Canada's TSN who celebrated his retirement with the following video:



What a pompous ass. OK- first of all, I know that Dominick Hasek can be kind of a jerk, and has suffered from shall we say "motivation problems" his entire career. But even with that, we're talking about unarguably one of top ten goaltenders of all time, easily top 5 and arguably top three. Hey TSN- you think you can cut the guy some slack on the day he announces his retirement?

Who knows what goes on in Canada, but I don't think I've ever, even once, EVER "heard" anybody ever do a Dominick Hasek impression. I've "seen" people do a ton of them, when street hockey goalies roll around on their spines, kicking their legs up in the air and call it "doing a Hasek." And when they do that, they are honoring the man and his unorthodox playing style, not mocking his foreign accent.

Second, Hasek falling down while trying to fight Patrick Roy isn't a career highlight, it's a blooper reel. Including that clip while ignoring the stop he made on Todd Bertuzzi's penalty shot in the 2002 playoffs seems to me like they are directly saying "We don't like Dominick Hasek, and are going to use his retirement from the game he made so much more exciting as one final chance to embarrass and poke fun at him."

Finally, giving a goaltender of his caliber a tribute in which your number one highlight shows him giving up a goal (not to mention a heartbreaking, controversial Stanley Cup losing goal) is just low class.

Don't get me wrong- I've poked fun at the Dominator over the years, but today is not the day.

For a more reasonable, respectful and in-depth retrospective of Hasek's career, including the high points along with the lows, check out the NY Times Slap Shot blog.

From everyone at American Hockey Fan, Congrats to Dominick Hasek on a fantastic career.

You know, this has been bugging me-

-Can anybody give me a good reason why every year in recent memory Gary Bettman has been the guy on the ice awarding the Stanley Cup? And I know he is the commissioner, but still. Every year I see him do it, he takes what should be one of the best moments of the season, seeing the overjoyed captain raise the cup over his head in triumph, and if not actually spoils it, kind of taints it with not only his presence at all, but his goofy, stilted, stammering, ham-fisted speechifying.

I mean, everybody loves the Stanley Cup.

Everybody.

Why taint that experience by including a guy who everybody hates?

Does ANYBODY like Gary Bettman?

I mean, really?

Additionally, this year, it seemed like this fact was acknowledged by the league as he was never really even introduced properly. I need to go back to the DVR to hear the actual wording of his introduction, but I know they didn't end it with his name. If they said "Ladies and Gentleman: NHL commissioner Gary Bettman" it is a rock solid guarantee that he would be booed, even if it was a night earlier in Detroit, and the hometown team was delirious with joy.

So if they are already altering introductions to make sure that the commissioner isn't booed, why doesn't he step aside for the good of the game? Because seeing him do his little dog and pony show is embarrassing.

He does his little rehearsed speech, awkwardly praises both teams and then says "come get the Stanley Cup" which would be great, if he'd fucking let go of it. He's gotta stand there like a fat little toad, clutching onto his completely unearned slice of the spotlight, while the captain of the team, a genuine hockey hero, stands around like a doofus, waiting for daddy to give him his treat.

It's disgusting.

Here's an idea. How about every single year the cup is awarded by a previous Stanley Cup winner and member of the Hall of Fame that remains unannounced until the actual ceremony itself. The Oscars do it right. The person who gives out the best picture award is a heavy hitter. Paul Newman, Al Pacino, Katherine Hepburn, somebody that commands unquestionable respect in the industry.

In hockey, it should be a person who means a great deal to the franchise who won the cup. Would it not be a thrill for even the Pittsburgh fans, (who like all great fans, stayed and applauded the ceremony) to hear "Ladies and Gentleman- Presenting the Stanley Cup: Hall of Famer and three time cup champion...Steve Yzerman"

If they managed to keep it a surprise up until the moment, it would make for supreme drama, and you know that Stevie Y would LOVE to hand that cup to Nick Lidstrom. He could deliver the same canned speech that Bettman does, but delivered from such an icon of the game, it would be a moment that would be nothing short of priceless.

If the Penguins won the cup, Mario awards it to Sidney Crosby. Winning the Stanley Cup represents being a part of history, and a part of the Stanley Cup forever, as your name will be engraved upon it from this point forth. It should be awarded by someone who is a part of that, either as a player, a builder, a broadcaster or a cherished member of the hockey family.

It would feature the game of hockey symbolically welcoming the newest chapter of it's history. That honor should come from a beloved part of that history.

Not Gary Bettman.

How close they came....

So was I the only one who thought that the final seconds of last night's cup final resembled that Super Bowl game when the dude from the Tennessee Titans reached his arm out with the football and ALMOST broke the plane?

The New York Times hockey blog has a great post today with a photo taken with two seconds left, then one second left and then when time expired.

Good stuff.

I had wondered earlier this week if this Cup final qualified as a classic, and if that puck crossed the line there at the end, there would be no question. As it stands right now, I'm gonna say no. The only way this Stanley Cup final will go down in history is if the Penguins go on to win a cup or two in the next couple years, and this was the series that that taught a young dynasty how to win.

What a terrifying thought.

Ultimately, what I take out of this series is the only thing scarier than a Pittsburgh power play composed of six determined skaters is a Detroit penalty kill composed of only three.

Those 5 on 3 kills were things of BEAUTY.

Anyway, thus ends another NHL season, which despite having it's dull moments in the playoffs, was I think the best since the lockout, all things considered.

I'll keep posting over the summer, you know, just in case one of the Staal boys decides to have another bachelor party.

But for now, it's nice out.

Anybody wanna watch a baseball game?