Birth of an American Hockey Fan Week Four: Hockey Terminology and Slang

Biscuit in the basket
What it is, as I understand it: Well, a goal.
How I learned about it: An afternoon spent combing through Wikipedia’s "hockey slang page". When I casually brought it up to a friend, I was informed that I am in no way qualified to offhandedly use the term, and my doing so would demean the sport.

Crease
What it is, as I understand it: The area around the goal.
How I learned about it: If you say the word "Hull" or anything phonetically similar to a Sabres fan, it triggers some sort of uncontrollable seizure in which the word "crease" makes an appearance or five, so you kind of pick it up.

Delayed penalty
What it is, as I understand it: Someone does something illegal, but not well enough that they actually gain possession.
How I learned about it: Through Ritch’s clenched teeth as he explained it to me for the fourth time. A good rule of thumb seems to be that if you have to ask what just happened, it was a delayed penalty.

Hand pass
What it is, as I understand it: Catching the puck.
How I learned about it: In wide-eyed awe. They never show that in the movies. It seems kind of a puss out. I bet the Russians don’t hand pass, and if they do, their coach makes them play without a mouthguard or something similarly toughening.

Icing
What it is, as I understand it: Apparently, if you’re going to hit the puck really far away, it’d better go into the goal. That’s all I got so far.
How I learned about it: If anyone reads the above explanation and genuinely believes that I fully grasp icing, then I am officially playing "the blind" to your "the blind".

Long change
What it is, as I understand it: During the second period, the goal switch means players have to skate further to make substitutions, so they get all tired-like.
How I learned about it: An elaborate table diorama involving various pieces of alcohol paraphanalia, set up in a sports bar by the Earl. An effective teaching technique if I’ve ever seen one.

Poke checking
What it is, as I understand it: Dude’s got the puck, someone tries to jab it away. Kinda the basis of the sport, really.
How I learned about it: The second installment of my "Use one new hockey term per game, then squeal with glee and solicit high fives all around" plan. It’s all very rugged.

Power play
What it is, as I understand it: Simple addition. One team’s got more players on the ice than the other.
How I learned about it: Unlike the rest of hockey’s rules and quirks, Versus actually seems to want its viewers to be better informed when it comes to power plays, and they put a little digital notification beneath the score. It almost makes up for them showing that damn Ovechkin commercial so often.

McDonald's hates minorites.

OK- so check this out.

I'm on the Sportsnet Canada NHL page today, checking in to see if there have been any big trades today, and what do I see but this contest sponsored by McDonald's.

Apparently, you go to McDonald's, buy a Big Mac, and get a chance to win tickets to an NHL playoff game, a home opener next season, the all star game (big deal) and I think the NHL awards show.

Fuck Morgan Spurlock, I'll eat a Big Mac for that.

So here's the rub (from the OFFICIAL RULES):

HOW TO OBTAIN A GAME PIECE

In Restaurant: Game Pieces are available when purchasing one of the specially marked food items, while supplies last, at participating McDonald's restaurants in Canada.

Fuck me.

Only in Canada?

And you wonder why the game isn't catching on here in the States. If there is one thing Americans unquestionably adore, it's stuffing our faces with fast food. And yet the NHL can't seem to extend some that action even as far south as Michigan?

Excuse me as I once again gently place this needle upon a well-worn broken record, but Bettman, you are a prize hog of morons.

Of course, that got me wondering, what does McDonald's have to offer us here in America? As it happens, not much in the way of contests. Still, after surfing around their website for a while I found a few things that are definately worth a look. Anybody familiar with McDonald's tremendously tasteful (read: borderline racist) mini-websites designed to appeal (read: pander to?) the African-American and Asian Communities?

If you're like me, that is to say, a fan of gold medal examples of the unique brand of horseshit that results from a combination of clueless corporate culture, niche-marketing disguised as sensitivity and white-hot fear of racial discrimination lawsuits, these websites are kinda wonderful to behold.

I present to you now, courtesy of the Clown himself, the McDonald's marketing websites 365Black and I am Asian.

Hey, McDonald's!

I've you've got so much goddamn love for minorities in this country, how about throwing a bone to an American Hockey Fan!

Either way, it's after 2:00 and I need some lunch.

Guess what I WON'T be having?

The New NHL (kinda sucks)

Well, the earth stood still this week, as Sports Illustrated ran not one, but TWO pieces about hockey:

Ever since the NHL's early days when Montreal's Sprague Cleghorn terrorized the ice, the league has housed pugnacious souls whose primary function is protecting their more skilled teammates by intimidating opponents into steering clear, and delivering swift and terrible fistic punishment upon transgressors.

It's a pretty solid photo gallery of 14 of hockey's all-time great enforcers...solid especially in comparison to recent features in other magazines/glorified-Axe-body-spray-promotional-materials.

So good for SI, but bad for hockey fans...of these 14 tough guys, only 3 are still playing today. The new whistle-happy NHL is never more depressing than when it's juxtaposed against the sport's grand history.



Gordie, forgive Gary Bettman...he knows not what the hell he's doing.

Or alternately, you could just beat the shit out of him.

It's not all peaches and cream

Backing up Marty Brodeur may be seem like a plum job. After all, even figuring the league minimum, you're basically collecting mid-six figures for riding the pine all season. In fact, Scott Clemmensen probably earns more per minute of ice time than some of the league's biggest names. But let no one say that Clemmensen doesn't leave it all...well, maybe not on the ice, but on the bench, which is right next to the ice:

Backup goaltender Scott Clemmensen has started only two games all season and hasn't played since Dec. 14, but still ended up with eight stitches in his upper lip when he was struck with the stick blade of teammate Travis Zajac while sitting on the bench.

"Travis was carrying the puck past our bench and [Chris] Simon hit him and his stick hit me," Clemmensen explained as his lip still oozed blood after the game. "At least, my teeth are OK."

Give Clemmensen credit, though...in the first period of last week's game against the Islanders, he only made three fewer saves than Brodeur.

Birth of an American Hockey Fan Week Three: Film Foundations

Needing a break from my increasingly pathetic requests for bartenders to change the channel to hockey games, I decided to supplement my education with a little hockey film foundation. Ritch put it to a vote, and though I appreciate whoever was looking out for my womanly sensibilities with the suggestion of The Cutting Edge, time and self-respect constraints narrowed it down to the classics- Youngblood and Slap Shot.

This little experiment was supposed to be about fellow fans offering me insight into the underlying themes of hockey (no guts no glory, size doesn’t matter, etc.) but after popping Youngblood into the Tivo, it became clear to me that you people are just cruel, calculating bastards who have it out for me. Youngblood is an interesting example of a hockey movie in that it eschews showing actual hockey being played in favor of a scene in which one man shaves another man’s balls. They wisely chose not to give the villain of the movie any speaking lines, letting his prominent forehead and stubble convey his inherent evilness, which is just as well, since the Canadian accent is only slightly more menacing than a lisp. If I’ve got one gripe with this movie (complete lack of plot not counting as a "gripe"), it’s the ending. Having lost all interest in Dean Youngblood’s future during the mind-numbingly long farming montage—the fact that the phrase "farming montage" even exists makes the world a bleaker place—I was at least hoping that I could vest myself in the fate of the Mustangs themselves. The last-minute penalty shots seemed promising, but then they went and left those extra three seconds on the clock. Unspectacular game footage aside, this is a sports movie, and sports movies have a pretty tried-and-true formula. Boxing movies end in KOs, baseball movies in home runs, and hockey movies end in penalty shots. Three seconds may not be a lot of time in other sports, but it can be a long time in hockey, and when it’s three seconds of Rob Lowe throwing sloppy punches, it can be downright interminable.

Slap Shot, on the other hand, I was almost looking forward to. I’d been promised both violence and a breakdown of the various penalties, with the added bonus of getting to see Paul Newman fuck some guys up, and I was not let down. Though the romantic subplots dragged a bit—I would have been perfectly content if every female character in this movie were replaced with yet another Hanson brother—after the horror of Youngblood, I was pretty psyched to have a main character that uttered actual dialogue. I’m not saying the movie was perfect; that last-minute perfect storm of a roster in the final game seemed a little suspect, and I’m not sure how a screenwriter can sleep at night knowing he ended a movie with ice dancing. But there was blood and hockey, and a girl can’t ask for much more than that.

Birthing Status: Packing the overnight bag

At least they bothered to correct it.

With apologies to Alan Muir, who wrote a great article recently about spending Superbowl Sunday "poring over two-week-old game film of 16-year-old hockey phenom John Tavares" we all know that Sports Illustrated really isn't the place for hockey.

Check out what ran in the corrections section of the February 12th issue of Sports Illustrated (pictured.)










I get it, guys- you like football.

Sheesh.

I don't want to say that hockey gets no respect, but a girl phoned hockey the other day and said... "Come on over, there's nobody home." Hockey went over. Nobody was home.

Incidentally, this was pointed out to me by one of the guys who works over at The Smoking Gun. They have a little bit of experience ferreting out these kinds of errors, like this classic "Dewey Defeats Truman" moment from the Tampa Tribune, published the day after the Lightning won the Stanley Cup. TSG also has a lot of good background on Anna Nicole Smith today.

All I have on the subject are tasteless jokes that probably won't be purchased by TV shows- like this gem:

39 year old Anna Nicole Smith died Thursday after collapsing at a Florida hotel. The hotel is in stable condition.

I'll be here all week!

More evidence that hockey is not the number one sport among speakers of Portuguese:

Exhibit A:



And Exhibit B:


What gives?

I'll say this to you, people of Portugal, Brazil, São Tomé e Príncipe, Angola, Cape Verde, Mozambique, East Timor, Goa and Macau.

Smarten up.

You're getting screwed by the man.

Mail Bag!

So I got an email from my pal Eric today, a passionate Rangers fan who watched the game against the Devils last night. We had a little back and forth that I thought was interesting enough to reprint here. Here's the highlights of the game in case you didn't catch it:



By the way, I asked him if he was OK with me publishing this, and he said he had no problem with it, so long as he wasn't "disparaged." I immediately agreed, which is why I have selectively edited out all of his statements detailing his love for German fecal-porn.

Kidding.

Eric is actually a very knowledgeable hockey fan and a smart guy. I have no evidence that he has any disposition towards fecal porn of any kind, German or otherwise. Still, I will say that if he was into fecal porn, it would probably be German, seeing as he's the kind of guy who appreciates the best things in life. From wine to beer to food to music to sports to art, he's a class act, and if I applied his appreciation for the other passions he has in life to fecal porn, I'd think he'd go German. I'm just saying that from what little I know about the subject, if you're going to go for fecal porn, the German variety is pretty much universally considered top of the line.

But he's not into fecal porn.

As far as I know.

That's not disparaging, is it?

But I digress- here's his original email:

Subject: Numbers Game

12--The number of shootouts that the Devils have participated in this season. So they play 65 minutes of conservative, "not to lose" hockey so that their hall-of-fame goalie can win them an extra point.

27-The number of consecutive non-sellouts (including last night's game vs. the Rangers) at the Continental Airlines Arena.


Think there's a correlation??


Just asking.

Here's my response:

I dunno- I was in and out of the room, but I thought last night's game
was a pretty good one.

In terms of playing "not to lose hockey" and the negative effect on
turnout, you're playing a bit of a rhetorical game there. I mean, sure
"playing not to lose" sounds boring, but "playing a tough defensive
game with great goaltending" sounds pretty good to me.

I only bring this up because I am against troop buildups in Iraq, yet
am pro-"surge."

Plus, if anything, the Devils defense, at least along the blue line,
has been weaker than it's been in years. When Jagr came out of the
corner on the power play in the last two minutes of overtime and
Brodeur laid down and stopped him, it was every bit as exciting as a
two-on-one break the other way would have been.

(NOTE: That play was inexplicably omitted in that highlight package I found above. Get your heads out of your asses, NHL.)

And, yeah- the Devils don't score much, but they're using what they
have, which is a great goalie. Gauging by the amount of fan jerseys
with goaltenders names on the back around the league, it's hard to
argue that winning with a great goalie is something fans dislike. I
think it's a damn risky strategy, but they seem to have the goalie to
pull it off in the regular season. Whether that's enough to win four
playoff rounds is entirely another.

If I had to pick one factor that negatively effects the gate, it's
probably the fact that the game has officiated out some of the
intimidation that makes it feel just a little bit dangerous.

There were two factors that made me excited to tune in last night, and
it was the addition of Sean Avery and Cam Janssen in the line-ups.

Fights and violence in hockey are the naked pictures in the early
years of Playboy. The fantastic athleticism, grace, speed, finesse,
passing and goal-scoring are the great articles. So- do I read Playboy
for the articles? Yes, I do. But I picked it up for the pictures.

That said, I hear you that losing a game like that in a shootout has
got to be frustrating as hell, and I certainly don't like the way the
points are handed out in the OT/shootout.

Intuitively, it seems to me that there should be only two points up
for grabs in every NHL game. Just as they once argued that a team that
loses in overtime deserves a bit more than a team that gets blown out,
shouldn't a team that wins in overtime get a bit less than a team that
gets it done in 60 minutes? If two teams play to a tie, they each get
half of one point. If there are only two points awarded in every game,
then at the end of regulation, one of the points is gone. OT and the
shootout if necessary, allows them to play for the remaining point.

Therefore, an OT win is not as good as a regular season win, as it's
only worth a point and a half. A team who loses in OT doesn't go home
totally empty. They get half a point.

Thoughts?

And he replied:

I thought that Jagr's move out of the corner was his best stuff of the season and that last night's game was pretty darn good, as was the game against Buffalo.

However, would you pay $65 a night to see a team play cautious offense and stifling defense? Great goaltending is only great if the goalie is forced to face quality shots.

I think that three points should be put up for grabs. Win in regulation, get three points. Win in OT or a shootout, get two, with the loser getting one. Make teams play for wins. Or, just play overtime until someone wins, like baseball or basketball.

I'm sure Ben (Devils fan) has something to add to this, and I'm curious about others thoughts on the OT extra point issue. Any ideas, comments, or links to exterior articles or blog posts on the subject are welcome.

PS: Thanks to the Forechecker for giving us props on his Heavy Hitters of the hockey blog list. Also to Jes Golbez, who tagged me on a thread that I didn't have time to respond to. If you're not reading his site, you're missing out.

"Conserve your precious hatred for the game."

Hey all.

There was only one game on last night, so today is a pretty good day to get some suggestions for Jen, our burgeoning American hockey fan. The category she's writing on this week is "hockey movies and television shows she needs to see."

Obviously, the big two are Slap Shot and Youngblood, but what else is out there?

Anybody remember that two-on-none breakaway from the opening credits of the Hogan Family?


This used to piss the shit out of me as a kid- watch Jason Bateman and some other asshole slam dunk it on this poor goalie.



Where in God's name was the defense?

He clearly wasn't skating hard enough to break a sweat, or even mess up his hair under the helmet, so I suspect he was playing against very young children, or the developmentally disabled.

What a dick.

By the way, the example that Bateman's Dad sets by leaping out of his seat and roaring his approval for such an obvious mismatch could very well have laid the foundation for the rash of violent, thuggish hockey dads that made news in the decades to follow.

Nice work, Hogan family.

There is blood on your hands.

Certainly, this early Simpsons episode has got to be on the list.



Suggestions?

Coaches Corner with Don Cherry- Feb 3

Hey all- I found a Youtube account that is posting Coaches Corner on YouTube, so those of us in the States can see it.

By the way, I feel like I must have said this before, but I'll say it again. Wanna improve TV ratings for hockey in the States?

I have three words for you:

Hire Don Cherry.



Huge thank you to joeyjohnson992

Strange things happen around the Buffalo crease

And apparently, not all of them are because of Brett Hull.

Well, Jen, it looks like it's not all peaches and cream being a Sabres fan. Saturday night's matchup against the Devils was a good one. Historically, the Devils have had Buffalo's number, but this year's Sabres are a whole other story. They embarassed New Jersey a couple of months ago in a 3-2 win (coincidentally the same night as the inaugural AHF Buy Me a Beer Challenge) that wasn't nearly as close as that score indicates, so I was really excited to see a fast-paced, tightly-defended game that had a lot of fire, and even more controversy. If this is the eventual conference final, I say bring it on.

First, on Elias' alleged no-goal...come on. That thing was in. No matter where the puck happened to hit Miller's glove (and replays showed it up near the webbing), almost the entire glove was over the line before Miller snapped it back out again. And the resulting closeups of Miller's face showed a man with a secret...those were guilty eyes if I've ever seen them. I don't know why there was no review of the play:

"We all said something right away, that they should go upstairs, but they were threatening delay of game," Scott Gomez said.

Oh, that's right. Because the NHL hates the Devils.

And as for Madden's goal, Miller's argument was basically that he should have gotten a quicker whistle. That's a pretty tough sell. Watch the replay, and count out 1...2...3. It's not even close. Was I pissed when Evgeni Malkin scored his first NHL goal on Marty Brodeur that way? Yes, I was pissed. Did the goal count? Yes, it did:



If the Sabres are going to go all the way this year, Ryan Miller is the key. He is crazy talented, with lightning fast hands, but he's still just a kid, and he needs to work on his temperment. Watch the way Brodeur reacted to Malkin's garbage goal, and compare it to Miller's freakout, and subsequent dressing room bitch-and-moan. Yeah, it hurts to give one up like that, but there was still plenty of hockey left to play. After that goal in the Pittsburgh game, Brodeur didn't give up another, not to Malkin or even Jesus Chr--I mean, Sidney Crosby.

And that's the difference between a rookie and a veteran.

You know, if I had the hockey package:

I'm prety sure I'd know how to pronounce Ouellet .

"Oo-Lett?"

"Oo-Lay?"

"Ellett?"

"Owl-eh?"

Beats the hell out of me.

I guess what I'm saying is I'm not watching the Penguins and the Caps right now.

The only upside is I won't have to see that dreadful Ovechkin/Leonisis at the snack machine ad another 5 times.

Look! The billionaire has his hand stuffed up the snack machine!

Hilarious!

I hate to tell you assholes, but the only five words you need with a hockey player and a snack machine are as follows:

"Fuckin' machine took my quarter!"

I mean, for crying out loud.

Why is it that the All Star game gets all the hype with Ovechkin and Crosby playing together, and this game doesn't get on national TV?

I hate RCN cable with every pore of my being.

I'm in a mood.

Birth of an American Hockey Fan Week Two: The First Sabres Game

(Editor's note: Jen is being added as an author, but Blogger's being difficult- here's her post, please ignore the fact that it says I wrote it)



Sitting down with Ritch at a sports bar in front of our own private flatscreen, it became pretty obvious that the Bruins were playing a different game than they had been all week, namely, one in which they appeared to have brushed up on the basic tenets of the sport before taking the ice. By the end of the first period, the Bruins were up by one, and I was confused; with all of the talk surrounding Buffalo’s innate awesomeness, I had expected them to maybe, perhaps, take possession of the puck at some point, but I’m an outsider here, and figured it was just a lack of expertise on my part.


After a second beer and my eleventh explanation of icing—my only idea as to why I am still unable to grasp the concept is that I was raped by a linesman as a child and have since repressed anything to do with zone violations—the Sabres came to, and I was back in the shittalking business. Tim Thomas did some neat trick in which he momentarily removed his arms from their sockets, and Ritch called garbage goal, but I assumed that was because he was losing. At one point Buffalo scored a goal so quickly after the faceoff that I wondered that maybe they’d just left it there from the last one? I’d have asked Ritch, but the discovery of a foot-long hair in his spinach dip had officially moved him to “man while he’s down” status, so I refrained.


Since my love of hockey fights and injuries is rooted in grainy movie and TV memories from the Cold War era, I had been worried that the general uptightedness of the new millennium had dulled the gore, but watching the replay footage of Andrew Alberts taking a puck to the eye on HD, I actually saw the individual capillaries bursting, and as it always does, technology allayed any fears. When the fight broke out, I felt my heart burst with joy at the exact moment that the ref kicked the helmet out of the way, and when Sturm got a stick in the face and blood hit the ice—so red! so clearly defined!-- I was riled up like it was the Thunderdome. Team victory, a fight, a grievous-ish injury, an unexpectedly long happy hour special, and a worthy receptacle for my trash talk right beside me? Happy friggin’ birthday to me.


I have to admit, it was more than a little heartbreaking to see the Bruins do such a sexy little dance for Ritch before blueballing him in the second and third periods, but hockey’s not a game of sympathetic condolences, and in the end, he had to know that choosing a team based solely on geographic proximity to his birthplace might not be such a hot idea next time; also, making a man cry in a sports bar is always a special treat.


Birthing status: Contractions

I don't even want to talk about that Bruins game last night.

I watched it with Jen, and she's taking to this whole "Sabres fan" thing like a fish to water, in that she was talking a lot of shit without really knowing what she was talking about.

More later on that, from both of us.

I will say that the best moment of the night, (for me at least)was Brad Boyes getting in the first fight of his NHL career, and with the crowd roaring, they cut away to a local commerical featuring a contest where you can win a trip to a "Friendly's" ice cream parlour with, wait for it- Brad Boyes!
It was pretty sweet.

When I was growing up, if I wanted somebody to punch me in the mouth and then take me out for ice cream, I'd have to accidentally break a dish in front of my dad.

What?

You see, that's funny becuase I was an abused child.

Oh, and as a follow up to yesterday's hopefulness for hockey on ESPN News, I got the following in an email from my pal Eric, who's the big Ranger fan:

>>Took your advice last night and tuned in (To ESPN NEWS) at 10.

>>They covered:
>>College Basketball
>>NBA All-Star Game Reserves
>>Non-Stories from the Super Bowl
>>College Basketball
>>NBA

>>Then it was 11 and I turned to the Daily Show....

Ahh well, can't say I'm really surprised...

Hockey Thursday Night on ESPN News?

After my blustery, pro-fighting post yesterday, I did a little research on the fighting debates, and found an interesting tidbit that I'd missed in a John Buccigross column from a couple of weeks back- it has nothing to do with fighting, but for American hockey fans looking for some coverage, it's worth checking out:

NHL hockey is primarily what I watch at home and what I watch at work while preparing for "SportsCenter" or ESPNEWS on Thursday Nights from 10 p.m. to 12 a.m. ET when we talk lots of hockey.

Really?

Lots of hockey?

Anybody seen this?

I'm skeptical, but I'll tell ya, for people who have written off watching ESPN entirely, (read, me) Buccigross keeps the tiny light burning. I'll give him a chance this Thursday. If it pans out, it could be a good thing. Still, even if it turns out to be a bust, reading that collumn was worth it if only for the anecdote of hanging out with Tony Twist at a bar, and seeing him do a shot through his nose.

That's a tough guy right there.

For reminder of what kind of damage Tony Twist was capable of, check this out:



Whoop, my bad. Here he is-Tony Twist.



Goddamnit.

Alright, no foolin now- Tony doesn't win this one, per se, but it's worthwhile for that great old Penguins announcer and the Twister's effort. He may not win the fight but he pops right back up, and then tries to blast through two officials, dragging one of them across the ice by his leg.



It's funny, I'm not normally this bloodthirsty.

Let's bring it down a notch, shall we?

Christ, Jesus.

I just read the box score of the Boston/Buffalo game, and at this point, I'm fairly convinced that if you put on a blindfold and whack the Boston Bruins with a stick, candy will come out.

They have given up 13 goals in two games and have exactly one fighting major.

One?!

I mean, good for you, Wayne Primeau- but as for the rest of you, I'm ashamed.

I have half a mind to pay the 80 bucks just to boo you in person.

There was an article in the Globe after yesterday's debacle against the Rangers that mentioned the Bruins were looking at videotape to correct the situation.

Well guess what, douchebags, it's not videotape you should be watching.

It's YouTube.



Watch and learn guys, and pay particular attention at the 1:31 remaining mark for the gloves flying off so fast that it looks like they're making popcorn out there.

The only silver lining about all this is that I didn't go and watch the game tonight with Jen, who is in training to become an American Hockey Fan, and has chosen the Sabres as her team. In a moment of weakness I almost certainly would have brought up Brett Hull's fate, uh- oh, I'm sorry, did I say fate? I meant "skate," which is out of line. Of course, maybe that wouldn't have been so bad. I'm not sure she knows about that yet.

Well, click that link, Jen, if you're gonna be a Sabres fan, these are things you'll need to learn.

The only silver lining to all this is that these teams meet again on Thursday night, this time on Boston ice. The great Dan Wetzel article that I linked to yesterday mentions that Bettman has arranged more home-and-home series this season, but adds the great point that with fighting and aggression systematically officiated out of the game, a home-and-home series is like drinking a non-alcoholic beer.

But fighting's not completely gone.

Add the fact that the Bruins have been embarrassed twice in a row now, once on home ice, and now again on the road. On Thursday night, they get to meet the team who handed them their most recent humiliation, this time in front of their own fans. Do they want to extend that streak of humiliation to three? Do they want to show what is arguably the best team in the East that they are willing to lie down twice in a row, this time in their own rink? Do they want to show the world that the Boston Bruins are most definitely not a playoff team?

Or do they want to throw a motherfucking punch?

They got a win against the Sabres not long ago, and they way they did it was by slowing them down. They hit them, and hit them, and hit them again. Add some good hustle, quality shots, and good goaltending and the Bruins can beat that team. I don't know if the Bruins (or for that matter, anybody) can beat them four times in April, but here's their shot at legitimacy.

I certainly am the furthest thing from a Bettman apologist, and I'm no fan of the altered schedule, but I gotta say this.

That schedule has set up a contest this Thursday that IS the Boston Bruins season.

They have been humiliated twice, they are on their home ice, and they are facing not only a leading contender to win the Stanley Cup this year, but the architects of their most recent disgrace.

You wanna prove you're a playoff team?

Beat a contender.

The Buffalo Sabres have one of the best road records in the league.

The Bruins are reeling.

You wanna stop the bleeding with an exclamation point, or get blown out again by a real hockey team and limp your way through the second half?

Put up or shut up.

Fuck, I wish I had the hockey package.

If I could write anything better than this I'd do it.

Kudos to Dan Wetzel, and this terrific column about Gary Bettman's 14th anniversary as NHL commissioner and the disasters he wrought.

The Birth of an American Hockey Fan- Chapter one.

Check out the next post for the debut of Jen Adams, as she begins her quest, from knowing nothing about the sport, to become an American Hockey Fan.

This is what she wrote about the All Star Game, and I think we have a chance with this girl- she, like any decent hockey fan, thought it was boring.

Read on!

Birth of an American Hockey Fan Week One: The All Star Game

I decided to partake of my first game from the confines of a sports bar, hoping the din of perpetually disappointed Knicks fans would drown out the constant string of Eastern European names that passes for hockey commentating. Possible interesting future experiment to try on drunken Canadiens fans: turn down the volume, read the Minsk phone book, and see how long until/if they notice.

For a group of guys named to be the best in the league, and for the wattage of the spotlights they were using, no one really looked all that psyched to be in Dallas. I’m sure Rory Fitzpatrick didn’t begrudge the opportunity to kick back and watch the game without being overwhelmed by the smell of barbecue. It’s not the sort of thing one can usually determine with the sound off, but the level of enthusiasm in the Center looked to be less “deafening roar,” and more “Peanuts, get your peanuts!”

I’d been warned that I should in no way judge all professional hockey based on the All-Star game, which was just as well, as right from the start, I found the night lacking in bloodthirstiness. Not knowing or really giving a shit about any of the players yet, I tried to acquire the basics of the game with the help of my resident expert, the Earl of Rochester. Still, without any sort of penalties, strategy, or any actual desire on the part of either team to win, there wasn’t a lot to work with. By the time the first period break came around, if there was any doubt into my mind that hockey was the red-headed stepchild of the sports world, the hiring of The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus (was the scraping of nails against a blackboard already taken as a band name?) as the headliners pretty much sewed it all up.

This isn’t to say the night was completely devoid of momentary delights; I believe I actually giggled like a schoolchild when the first mini digital hockey player was superimposed on the screen during play, even though the Earl immediately informed me that I would grow plenty distasteful of the “ghetto VS graphics used by Popup Video ten years ago.” I also recognized both the name and team of Martin Brodeur, whom Ben had described to me, wide-eyed, using the term “second coming” in entirely serious tones. After a couple of periods I decided to make a go of it at my own apartment, in part due to the bar’s decision to change the channel to what appeared to be an amateur cricket match, giving me a small glimpse into the kind of adversity I’m facing in the next few months if I don’t suck it up and get Time Warner’s Center Ice package.

Back at home, after a mere nine minutes of play time with sound, the name Shanahan was like a gentle lullaby to my Anglo ears. Not much more excitement was to be found, and when Dion Phaneuf—geseundheit—scored a goal the same way that one wins a stuffed Spongebob at the county fair quarter toss, I think we were all pretty well set to call it a night. All in all, some foundation was laid, but until I see blood on the ice, I’m not feeling quite born as a hockey fan yet. So for this week:

Birthing Status: Mild labor pains.

Tips of the hat:

1) To the Forechecker, who once again, played my request.
I'm more than a little proud, by the way, that my gut instinct ended up being justified by two spreadsheets. Seriously, if you serious hockey fans aren't checking out the Forechecker, you're missing some GREAT hockey number-crunching. In fact, I'm such a big fan- one day I vow to learn his real name.

2) To the recap program FSN's Final Score.
It's like Sportscenter, except- oh, I don't know- they show you the fucking clips! It's a wonderful, much needed, sports highlight show, with no catchphrases, no egos, and oh yeah- hockey highlights! Add a sweet "Pardon the Interuption" type ticker on the side that lets you know what game highlights are coming up, and you have a happy hockey fan.