How about that big Papi!

Love him!
Former Minnestota Twin!

And those undefeated Patriots!
With Randy Moss, who made his name as a Minnesota Viking!

Pretty sweet right?

Don't forget Kevin Garnett, putting the Celtics on the front pages again after coming over from the Timberwolves? It's really looking like Boston teams are all hugely benefiting from an influx of players from Minnesota sports franchises!

Oh.

Damn.

To be fair, while Manny Fernandez didn't play well, it's hard to peg that loss on him. The Bruins lost big last night, but it was kind of a perfect storm of bad things happening. Huet was hot, Fernandez wasn't. The Habs snipers found the net, guys like Glen Murray and Patrice Bergeron had great bids but just seemed snakebit. Add the fact that Chara didn't have a great game, getting caught up ice a few times and taking some bad penalties against a team with a lethal power play. Montreal had a tough loss against the Panthers last week when they got caught in the last two minutes, and they corrected that mistake tonight.

Still, for a team that got beat, really humiliated last night, they did a lot of things well. They cycled the puck well in the offensive zone, kept possession, and stayed into the game until the fifth goal, no small feat.

Honestly, if they were going to lose to the Canadiens, I'd rather they get blown out, as it could serve as a motivator for the future.

Plus, if they go through a rough patch for a while, they're in the clear, and have time to improve without media scrutiny. Face it, everybody in New England is watching the World Series and the Pats anyway. Chara could rape a guy on the ice, and they wouldn't get any ink.

Chicago's next. It'll be fun to get a look at this Towes kid.

Sidney Crosby Special on 'Versus' Tuesday

Well, the people at Versus were kind enough to contact me and see if I'd like to post some exclusive video of (read: advertisement for) the new Sidney Crosby special airing Tuesday night at 6:30 prior to the 7:00 PM Pens/Rangers game.

I decided to go for it, not only because I was flattered that Versus thought of me, but it also because it gives me the opportunity to note that this preview video, much like "Versus" itself, is not available in high definition in New York City. Also, the local Ranger broadcast will not be on, meaning New Yorkers with Time Warner won't be able to see a highly anticipated game in HD.

While I'm aware that this is a decision of Time Warner Cable and not Versus, somebody needs to get off there ass on this. Whoever's fault this is, it probably pisses off Ranger fans, and alienates the large market share that I'm sure Versus wants to capture.

Just sayin.

So here's the preview video. My favorite part is when Sid explains that the new NHL is all about speed. So how does the film show this off?

You guessed it, slow motion!

Sigh.

National Punctuation League

The clock is ticking, counting down to the Devils' home opener at the brand new Prudential Center on Saturday, October 27th. Crews are working around the clock to make sure the arena is ready and let's face it...with this kind of time crunch, the first thing to go is the proofreading:

Or maybe it's a nod to those who say that Brodeur is the whole team...so only one Devil gets a locker room?

Wow-

I guess Americans always sucked at broadcasting hockey on a national level.

Check out the pronunciation of Rocket Richard's name in this American newsreel footage from the 1951 Stanley Cup Final between the Canadiens and the Maple Leafs.

And Richard scores!

Richard who?

Richard Lewis?

Of course the broadcasters on TSN tonight weren't much better, as they repeatedly accused Florida coach Jacques Martin of "stealing" a game from the Canadiens tonight. Hey guys! It's hard to win a game when you only score one goal.
If anybody stole that one it was Thomas Vokoun, who also leads the league in looking like Tim Wakefield.

What a win for the B's!

Oh, and by the way- Aaron Ward?

Officially off the shit list.



Told ya so.

Sean Avery is injured.

So what did you think he'd be doing?

Duh- he's talking to the New York Times.


Thoughts?

What a day.

11:00 AM- hit the grand opening of the NHL store in Manhattan. Went through the Stanley Cup line . Talked to legendary referee Paul Stewart. He loved my Mighty Squirrels track jacket. I decide not to tell him about the Candle in the Wind thing. Paul Stewart is polite, affable and a splendid ambassador of the game. I overhear him telling someone else that his grandfather was also an NHL referee, and I wish that I could have been a fly on the wall for discussions between Stewart and his grandfather. I mean, imagine that. Awesome.





11:30 AM- Hit the Starbucks inside the NHL store. Wasn't wild about the fact that my color scheme exactly matched the pumpkin spice lattes. Mere seconds after this picture was taken, I overhear Paul Stewart approaching the Starbucks counter. He asks "So, how are those pumpkin spice lattes?!" While I have previously stated that pumpkin spice lattes have very little to do with hockey, I am forced to reconsider this idea as Paul Stewart is clearly fired up for one. Paul Stewart orders a pumpkin spice latte, and the Starbucks employees, none of whom probably know who he is, fall over themselves to serve him. Charisma and a sharp looking uniform go a long way in this town. Sadly, I do not get picture of this.


12:00 PM- Headed outside to see what's up. We see Bruin great Rick Middleton signing autographs. I remind Ben of what my pal Andrew Donnelly once said about Rick Middleton- that he was so lethal a scorer partly because when goalies would see him, they would momentarily be confused by the fact that he looks exactly like a butcher. They'd look up, se his face, and instead of hearing "What can I getcha, pork roast?" BOOM, the puck is in the net. Seriously, if that guy never led the league in scoring, I can tell you he definitely led it in resembling a butcher. That dude looks just like a butcher. Great Bruin.


7:00 PM- Lucked into a pair of Ranger tickets tonight against the Caps. 60 bucks for the pair. Went to the game with my future wife and love of my life, and had a great time. Saw Gomez's first goal as a Ranger, Jagr eclipse Paul Coffey to become #11 on the all time point scorers list and saw Alexander Ovechkin put on a clinic. More than any other player in the NHL, Ovechkin is a player that you need to see in person. The way he moves off the puck is an art form. And then when he gets the puck, look out. I didn't see the slew foot from the opening, but I can tell you this: an undefeated team defeated itself with penalty after penalty after penalty. Additionally, their defensemen seem chronically unable to keep the puck in the offensive zone. Also, Olaf Kolzig deserves a medal. Really, really, really fun game. If there was one downside, it was that Brashear didn't fight. Good times.

10:00 PM- Arrive home, pour a scotch, watch Roberto Luongo make a few sick saves for the Canucks. Jesus, that dude is good at playing goalie.

10:30 PM- Settle in to watch my beloved Bruins face off against the Los Angeles Kings. As though this night could not get any sweeter, some freaky Cirque du Soliel trapeze artist is slowly lowered from the rafters to drop a ceremonial first puck between Chara and Blake. She gracefully twists down to the face-off dot, places her feet on the carpet, slips, and she falls on her ass. I cannot stress enough how enjoyable this is to watch. Thanks to the magic of DVR, I watch it at least 6 more times. The moment I find this on YouTube, I will bring it to you. Anyone?

10:35 PM- The game starts, and it's a rollercoaster. Phil Kessel gets the first hat trick of his career, Marc Savard comes back from a groin injury to QB a devastating looking power play, and Aaron Ward puts in a game like the number 2 defenseman he should be, scoring a clutch goal and landing a great hit behind the opposing net. It's nice to see that when a game becomes a shooting spree, the Bruins can continue to put the puck in the net. Great effort by PJ Axelsson at the end there to sacrifice the body and get the puck out of the zone at the end there. Also, Claude Julien looks like Alfred Hitchcock. As my brother noted, it's a step up from Dave Lewis, who resembled Hitler.

2:10- wrapping up a hockey blog post from a great hockey day. Jesus this feels good. Watching the game wrapups on the NHL network and happy to be alive.


Sorry if there are typos, I'm hitting the hay.

Well, I finally got my key.

Yes, I finally obtained one of the "keys that could unlock my NHL dreams." They were handing them out at the store, so after all of the frustration of past days, we just walked up and grabbed one. Alas, after 20 minutes in line, the key did not unlock the box filled with prize envelopes. So I asked the guy who was in charge what to do with my key.

"You can keep it," he said.

Then it hit me- I can still unlock my NHL dreams!

All I have to do is use this beauty to key Ulf Samuelsson's car.

Eureka!

Lord Stanley's Officially Licensed Merchandise

Reporting back from the opening of the NHL store, where I encountered Ben and Ritch wiping the sweat from their brows after a couple of hours spent storing away things the NHL has done wrong for a rainy day (even Bruins and Devils fans run out of vitriol after their record falls to a certain point). I could almost see the exhaustion on their faces. However, they did get there early enough to snag the bag of free shit, while all I made away with was a possible key to my dreams and a rocket popsicle. Nothing like knowing that the Marketing department at the NHL sat down for a brainstorm for their big event and conclusively determined that NHL fans like "free ice".

Though the lines to the "Unlock your Dreams" safes (they have two sets of my dreams on hand) were shockingly long- unfulfillment in New York City knows no bounds-the line to get into the store was bearable, and we sailed through in about 15 minutes. Even more surprising, while the line to buy a t-shirt that says "It's good to have goals" was about twenty deep, the line to see and be photographed with the Stanley Cup was exactly one person long, and we took the opportunity to grope the Cup like it was Ben's mom for a full 30 seconds. Odd to be so excited to touch something that you can pretty much guarantee has held the urine of a solid four dozen people at least, but it's just so shiny.

And for a little added perspective, the hands that type the very words you're reading have touched the Stanley Cup more recently than the Bruins.

Four Thousand Words

More to come, (Ben took most of the pics) but here's a few shots from my camera at the grand opening of the NHL store:

(left to right: Ritch, Stan, Ben, Sid the Kid's giant legs)

(Jamie Langenbrunner submits a written request for Ben's autograph

AHF hits the "ice wall."

File that grin under: "shit-eating."

"Unlocking My NHL Dreams"

That's the slogan for the contest the NHL has been running all around New York City this week.

Not like I've seen any of it.

Supposedly, there were members of an NHL "street team" (read: unemployed actors) hitting locations all around the city and giving out keys. You take the key, go to the grand opening of the NHL store on Friday, and you can "Unlock Your NHL Dreams."

They were supposed to be at Grand Central Station in New York between 2:00 and 7:00 on Thursday, and I went twice, once on my lunch break at 2:15 and then again after work at 6:15 and I couldn't find them. I did see Antonio Banderas (look, Gawker confirms it, he was there!) but no NHL. After I got back to work, I emailed my pal Doug, a Sabres fan and a real nice guy who I had the pleasure of attending one of the Sabres/Isles playoff games with last season. Like me, he works near Grand Central, so I emailed to ask him if he had gotten a key. Here's what he said:

No key yet. Just went and did a pretty thorough walk-through to blow off some steam from work. Nobody there from the NHL that I could see...Anyhow, I am gonna try to brave the elements and take a walk by one of the other supposed Street Team locales on my way home to try and find a key.

No word if he found one. Oh, and did I mention it was pouring rain in New York this afternoon? That's a hockey fan for ya.

Later, I emailed AHF contributor Ben Zelevansky to relate how Doug and I struck out, and he wrote the following:

I just came from GCT (Grand Central Station) myself, as it happens. No street team, no indoor team, no nothing. The NHL - wasting the time and abusing the trust of its fans...whoda thunk it? My new NHL dream is to kick Gary Bettman in the nuts.

Perhaps this isn't surprising. After all, the grand prize of this contest, or the "ultimate NHL dream" is- wait for it.... tickets to an NHL All-Star Game in Georgia!

Wow.

Tickets to a game where the players don't care in front of an audience that doesn't understand? Christ, if you're you're offering up NHL fantasies in the All Star Game, why don't you let me skate a shift? It's not like there's any hitting going on anyway.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to the NHL store opening tomorrow.

Not to be a dick, but I'd go to a Klan rally if the Stanley Cup was there. I'd feel bad about it, and tell every man present that Willie O'Ree is ten times the man they are, but I'd go. The Stanley Cup remains the one thing about the NHL that Gary Bettman seems powerless to fuck up. It is the past, present and future of the greatest game on earth, it fits eleven beers in it's bowl and you can motherfucking read it if you want to. And I've never seen it in person, but I will today. And I will read it.

There's an NHL dream for ya.

Incidentally, do you know ANYONE whose idea of an NHL dream is seeing the All Star Game in Atlanta? It'd be nice, sure, but DREAM?

C'mon.

Therefore, in the spirit of Ben's new NHL dream, to kick Gary Bettman in the nuts, I'd like to propose a far better NHL dream, and one that hockey could provide-

The NHL gives the winner of this contest a pair of lower bowl tickets to games 4-7 of the Stanley Cup finals sitting next to (wait for it)......... Kurt Russell.

There's a goddamn dream for ya.

That's a guaranteed great seat to go see the Stanley Cup being hoisted next to not only a great American hockey fan, but Snake Fucking Pliskin.

If any of you readers have some other NHL dreams, I'm all ears-

Comments are wide open...

Have you guys met my nephew?

Well, I haven't either.

That's him there, in my sister in law's belly next to the big shining cup. Or maybe it's my niece, we don't know yet. Either way he or she is closer to the Stanley Cup than I've ever been, something that still chaps my ass a bit. Knowing this, my brother sent me this picture in an email entitled "The Real Hockey Fan."My brother will doubtless be a great father, as he's already using his unborn child as a weapon in his ceaseless campaign of breaking my balls.

Either way, I'll even the score with my little nephew or neice tomorrow, as I'll see the Stanley Cup at the opening of the new NHL Reebok store in Manhattan. I'm excited, as it looks to be the only place in Manhattan where I'll be able to get my mitts on a new B's hat with the sharp new logo, and they will also be driving a zamboni up 6th avenue. On the downside, Gary Bettman will be speaking, and there's a Starbucks inside the store. I'll tell ya, nothing really says hockey like a four dollar spiced pumpkin latte.

Christ.

But you can't go wrong with the cup.

The Battle of AHF

Most of you are no doubt on the edge of your seats wondering how the first week of our fantasy league shook out. As you may recall, opening week matchups were Ritch vs. Jen and Jack vs. Ben.

Astute readers who noted which of us is writing this post will be unsurprised to learn that I kicked the most ass of all, shaming Jack in a 12-1 blowout for the week. And if not for Montreal's defense (they've got more holes than an O.J. Simpson memorabilia heist plot - am I right, people?) letting 62 shots through to Cristobal Huet, I would have shut him out completely. Ritch pwned Jen similarly (though let's face it, not quite as effectively as I crushed Jack - numbers don't lie) with a 10-4 drubbing.

So, to recap....the standings:

1) Ben
2) Ritch

[...]

15) Jen
16) Jack

And yes, it's a 16-team league.

I'm not going to say that my domination in the world of fantasy sports also means that I am the funniest writer here...that's for history to decide.

Momma Needs a New Sunday Dress

While happy that hockey will have me, despite the crippling setback of my ladybits, I've found it hard to attire myself properly when cheering on my beloved team. Last year's hastily bootlegged wifebeater got downgraded to pajamas after the playoffs, and I hear bison-related fashion was all the rage on the catwalks this fall, but I can't seem to find Sabres gear in ladies' sizes for the life of me. It seems like Ebay would be my best bet- girls gots babies to make, they can't all have time to keep up with the hockey- but the pickings are slim. Allow me to go all Lucretia Mott on Ebay's offerings for "Sabres ladies/womens/girls":

First, the Sabres watch. For when your biological clock isn't doing the job!

The Sabres hat, or as it's referred to in Northern New York, the tuke (or tuq, or took. It's an oral tradition). As IF we'd mess up our hair with a hat, even if it is that delightful it's-a-girl shade of pink. Common sense, people.

The Sabres shirt, only available for ladies in pink. Because nothing says "I'm a serious sports fan, and my team means business" like calligraphy.

The piece de resistance, the Buffalo Sabres cheerleading uniform, featuring that bane of a logo. I'm not entirely sure why the makers chose a cheerleader outfit specifically. Since there are no sidelines, couldn't they have picked something just as arbitrary? Why not a Sabres kitty cat or a Sabres French-Canadian maid?

Same thing? Actually, no. This is a toddler-size version. Get your little girl started on the road to objectification early!

Finally, this sexy little number, which I will gladly accept from any willing patron with $9.99 to spend on advertising my team allegiance/loose morals*. I'm not sure exactly what "one" is, but I think I have an idea, and I'm willing to play along (though I'm going to need a few cocktails if it's Vanek.)

*I'm so not kidding. Size small, tank top.

OK- that feels about right.

Fun night of hockey tonight- I caught most of the second and all of the entertaining third period of the Stars/Avs, and was very impressed with their offense. Shhh- you hear that? It's fantasy owners around the country adding Jaroslav Hlinka.

Still, the most entertaining thing about the whole night was the feature on Rod Brind'Amour between the second and third periods, mainly because it had Rod the Bod delivering the following quote:

"I'm so lucky, I gotta tell ya...I got three beautiful children and- everyone that is a parent has beautiful children and thinks there's are the best...my life's just...great."

Really, Rod?

Every parent has beautiful children?

You ever run that statement past your mom?

Rod Brind'Amour is a great, great hockey player, but uglier than a weevil-ridden tree stump.

Christ, that guy is horrible looking.

In other good news, my cable company now has the NHL Network, channel 458 if you're in Manhattan.

Finally- a nightly wrapup show!

Now, if the Bruins can manage to not totally suck, this should be a darn entertaining season.

American Hockey Fan Season Preview: Boston Bruins

In case you guys didn't catch Kevin Paul Dupont's recent Sunday Boston Globe column, he really went on a tear. I'll tell you, nobody can hate on the Bruins like Dupont. I quote:

"The Bruins today are New Orleans-after-Katrina low, and in theory it should be easier to reassemble one ramshackle franchise than an entire city gone asunder."

Wow.

The Boston Bruins are in worse shape than post-Katrina New Orleans?

OK, they were bad, but were they really Two-part Spike Lee documentary on HBO bad?

Yeah, they had a hard season, and I appreciate the lyrical turn, but I gotta tell ya KPD, that's a fucked up statement.

The Boston Bruins:
In WAY better shape than these dudes.

As bad as they were, they still finished better than both the Flyers and Capitals, or as Dupont might refer to them, Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Let's not forget, this was a team that remained in the chase for a playoff spot through February, and then crapped the bed on two crucial home and home series against the Rangers and Canadiens, who were both at the time, vulnerable.

Those four games, from March 18th through the 24th, were must win games, and when they blew them, all of them, the Bruins were done, and they knew it. They would win only one more game that season, and it would be tough to argue that anybody who wasn't just up from Providence was trying too hard. I'm not saying that if they had busted their balls to win those games, anything would have come of it, but if they hadn't been gutted by those back to back home and homes(thanks unbalanced schedule), maybe they wouldn't have quit. If they played up to their ability, and added, say- 13 points in nine games to their final standings it makes them look a hell of a lot more like the playoff team that they had the potential to be.

Don't get me wrong, the Bruins were a painfully inconsistent team all of last season, but that's a flaw that I lay at the feet of the coaching staff, which has been replaced. I'm not saying that I have complete confidence in Claude Julien, but at least his technique of motivating the team won't be pitching a fucking bear head around the locker room. Adding Manny Fernandez in goal is a huge improvement over Hannu Toivenen, who they shipped to St. Louis for a used puck bag Swedish prospect Carl Soderburg.

Also, it bears mentioning that the evening of that first crucial game they played against the Rangers was one of the first games (if not the first) that Aaron Ward played as a Boston Bruin. Ward was traded from the Rangers because of a dispute with Jaromir Jagr, something that should endear him to Bruins fans of all stripes.

Ward is a solid defenseman who despite his big mouth in the locker room, has quietly and efficiently won a number of Stanley Cups over a long and successful career. Plus, whatever he hits, he destroys. He came into a situation that was already deteriorating, and I feel like a competitor like that has gotta have a really big chip on his shoulder for a fresh start. As a lifelong Bruins fan, I have my eye on Aaron Ward for a big season, and when I say a big season, I mean it not in the sense of putting up stats. I'm looking for a guy who can get things done, not be too flashy, not go over the top, just get in there, and show the young guys how to fucking win in this league.

While the team certainly has a lot of gelling to do, they certainly have the tools to roll a couple of lines.

Marc Savard is as good a setup man as anybody in the game today, and is just three fights and one soul patch away from being a beloved Boston sports hero. Here's a tip Marc: if you want to stand out as Marc Savard the hockey player, maybe you oughta try to distinguish yourself from Marc Savard the Hypnotist.

I mean, for Christ's sake, dude.

You're a great fucking hockey player- there's no need to have the facial hair that Kevin Costner sported on a photo shoot for the AARP.

Sturm, Savard and Murray can Score. Patrice Bergeron has it in him to be an elite player in this league, and PJ Axelsson is one of the finest shorthanded players in the NHL. Not to put too fine a point on it, but if the Bruin management's pledge to make the Bruins a "harder team to play against" comes true, having some crafty shorthanded guys will really help us out. Chuck Kobasew is no slouch in that department either, not that he really had that much of a chance to prove himself last year.

So look- am I saying that the Boston Bruins are going to win the Stanley Cup this season?

Yes.

That is exactly what I'm saying.

I mean, fuck it, who picked the Canes in '06?

Underwhelmed.

OK- so the NHL season is, um- under way?

I don't know about the rest of you guys, but boy, I'm none too impressed with the NHL's season "Premiere." Above and beyond the fact that the debut game was on HD Net, which pretty much means the only people watching were close personal friends of Dan Rather, it's also kind of tough to really feel like the season has kicked off, when the rest of the games don't start for three or four days.

I did catch Sunday's game on Versus, and the game was "eh." There was about 10 minutes of great hockey during the second period, and I felt that as much as the British fans, (and me as well) love a good fight, did Scott Thornton really think it was a good idea to drop his gloves and start swinging when his teammate had possession in the offensive zone?

Also, I was upset that we didn't see more footage between periods of what hockey is really like in Britain. Hockey fans in Britain are a small passionate group who love their game despite the fact that football is FAR more popular. You know, kind of hockey fans in America, who are a small passionate group who love their game despite the fact that football is FAR more popular.

Sigh.

According to Yahoo sports, there were a lot Manchester Phoenix and Belfast Giants shirts in the crowd -- two of the 10 teams in Britain's Elite Ice Hockey League. Why didn't we get to see a little footage of these guys in action?

Seeing British hockey players would be entertaining for, at the very least, the dentistry. If there were ever a group of people with worse teeth than Englishmen, it's hockey players, and the confluence of craggy horrors that would be on display in those player's mouths would be worth the price of admission, even if the hockey is terrible.

Got an email today-

So, for those of you who don't know, I pick up a few bucks on the side writing for the Court TV blog.

I rarely mention it here, mainly because, um- who cares, right? Other than the occasional photo of two girls kissing, there really ain't much of interest going on over at Court TV to the average hockey fan.

Not today.

I work over there three days a week, and today, just as I turn my back for a second, there's a post up the Court TV blog plugging an episode of Forensic Files
entitled: Did Craig Rabinowitz Kill His Wife or Just Watch Hockey?

My co-worker just forwarded it to me, with the snide tagline, "Did you see this? Hockey=crap alibi!"

The obvious assertion here by my ball-busting co-worker is that hockey is so lame that there is no way ANYBODY would believe that watching hockey would be a plausible lie. Like the cops would go "sure- that's a fine story, but the national television ratings for hockey simply don't bear out that you, or anyone in this country was watching hockey on that night. Ergo, you killed your wife. Come with us please."

Indignant at this assertion, I did a little looking into this case, and the murder happened on April 29, 1997 in suburban Philadelphia. As it happens, the 1996-1997 season was the best the Flyers have had in the past 20 years.

From Wikipedia:

Though Lindros missed 30 games in 1996-97, LeClair still managed to score 50 goals for the second consecutive year. Despite finishing just one point shy of a third straight Atlantic Division title, the Flyers blitzed their way through the Eastern Conference playoffs. Backstopped by the goaltending tandem of Hextall and Garth Snow, the Flyers dominated Pittsburgh, Buffalo and the Rangers all in five games apiece to win the Eastern Conference championship, and clinch a berth in the Stanley Cup Finals for the first time since 1986-87. However, their opponent, the Detroit Red Wings, swept the Flyers in four straight games. After Game 3, Terry Murray said that the team was in a "choking situation". It is said this remark cost Murray his job, as he was fired soon after.

So, in late April, it is in fact very plausible that Craig Rabinowitz would have been watching a hockey game. Lots of people in Philadelphia were. It is also worth noting that he turned himself in on May 6, 1997 and confessed to strangling his wife for her life insurance money, because his obsession with a high priced stripper caused him to not know the difference between right and wrong. Oh, and he had a little girl too. Nice guy.

This means three things were probably true:

1) He was a major league scumbag
2) He wasn't watching hockey that night, (busy killing his wife.)
3) He turned himself in during the best Flyers playoff run in many years, less than three weeks before the Flyers went to the Finals. No true hockey fan would do that.

Therefore, not only would watching hockey have been an awesomely plausible alibi in 1997 Philadelphia, but this a-hole was clearly not a hockey fan.

And with that, Court TV- the defense rests.

One more thing:

Hockey starts tomorrow, across the pond.

Game on!

UPDATE: My pals at Court TV just reminded me that on April 29th, the Flyers weren't playing, having defeated the Penguins three days earlier. Still though, if this a-hole were a hockey fan, there were two different game sevens to watch that night, both of which were decided in overtime, as Buffalo beat Ottawa and Edmonton beat Dallas. If a real hockey fan wanted to kill his wife, he'd wouldn't pick a night with 2 separate game sevens, I'll tell you that much.

My hypothesis stands.

Obsessive Statistical Number Crunching: The Next Best Thing After Hockey

In the interest of spending even less time producing valuable output while strapped to our computers, the good folks at AHF have all joined the same fantasy hockey league, along with a dozen friends, leaving me wondering who the hell else in America is playing fantasy hockey. When draft time came around Tuesday night, the chronological math of an 11 PM start time, 16 teams, 20 roster spots, and a minute and a half alotment per pick wasn't looking promising for those of us with actual, functioning circadian rhythms, so reckless, baseless picks were encouraged from the start. Though Yahoo's done some good things with tweaking the AI for fantasy baseball autodraft in terms of prioritizing you filling your roster before slavishly following the questionable O-rankings decided upon by the CFO's teenage son, no one trusted them to have been so attentive to the red-headed stepchild of fantasy sports, and it was nearly a full virtual house. After my team, the Sixth Hole, drew first slot in the order, I formally introduced myself to Mr. Crosby--all naysayers can march alongside your own drummer all the way to April, say hi to the Coyotes and Kings for me-- and poured myself a drink to sit back and watch everyone scramble to achieve mediocrity.

The AHF crew was nicely spaced throughout the snake, and other than the deafening crack that shook the city when Ben saw Marty Brodeur (handsomely) snapped up in the pick before his, and the general feeling that the Sabres have truly, truly broken Jack, the first few rounds went much as expected, somewhat regrettably. There's very few poor decisions that can be made at that point, so shittalking was minimized, but you gotta use your gems before the later rounds, when no one knows what the hell they're doing anyway and you have to fall back on rather specific insinuations as to Ben's mom's whereabouts and doings. The beauty of hockey is that the players are so distinct, in their look, their attitude, and the goddamn stupidity of their actions (Dani Heatley, here's looking at you), so shittalking can be regressed back to schoolyard namecalling, using particularly bad offenders. When Ritch picks up, say, Tim Thomas as his goalie, a simple "Who next, Yashin?" gets the point across almost eloquently.

Most of us assumed that even a passing familiarity with hockey would carry us through at least the first six rounds of such a large league, but it turns out there's some sort of weird top-down thing with Slavic hockey player names- you're familiar with one -qvist or -inen, you think you know them all, when in reality, it turns out you are an ignorant, ignorant fool. One doesn't understand how desperate things are until Teppo Numminen goes in the thirteenth round with the hope that it was only "light heart surgery", and odds are laid out on Mike Modano breaking a hip before the All-Star game. Drafting strategies evolved from skill level---starter---have heard the name before---name sounds Russian---suppose should take a Western Conference player---name sounds dirty---name sounds like he's hung well---pointer happened to be over his name. I dare each and every one of you not to snicker at the name Alexander Semin after five beers and two hours in front of a computer screen.

All in all, we clocked in at a little over two hours, and I walked away with a bomb squad, and Ritch walked away from a hockey event not in tears. For those who who joined an American Hockey Fan Contributor Fantasy League, results of Week One's showdowns, conveniently between Ben/Jack and Ritch/Myself, are to come.

Jeremy Jacobs Lives Still.

Rest in Peace, Dollar Bill.

Will the NHL put highlights of the Rangers/Isles brawl on YouTube?

Time will tell, but I doubt it.

Watch this space for updates. Or I guess you could just go to YouTube yourself, but that wouldn't really help our site traffic, now would it?

Hey- you guys know how I post on another blog too?

It's called the Nosebleeds, and it's about all sports.

I mention this because both this blog and that blog are powered by blogger, and I just wrote a post for AHF that I unintentionally published on the Nosebleeds.

I thought about changing it, but who gets hurt if there is more hockey available on general sports site?

You know, other than the hundreds of thousands of American sports fans who don't give a crap about hockey?

Oh well- it's a pretty good post I think, and I haven't posted for them in a while.

You can click here for a direct link.

I gotta go, Rangers/Devils starts in 20 minutes!

Eric McErlain-

--has a terrific wrap up of the Ice Bowl ticket flap over on AOL's Fanhouse, which you should definitely check out, and not just because they mention my name.

While I'm at it, I can't say enough good things about the FanHouse. In addition to the fact that it's a great hockey source, I'm even more impressed with how it caused me to almost immediately get over my knee-jerk desire to despise it simply because of the big, corporate AOL logo. It's sort of like a Barnes and Noble over there, in that you want to hate the big giant chain, but then you get inside, everything's laid out beautifully, and there is plenty you want to read.

Of course, the Fanhouse is better, because unlike Barnes and Noble, you can enjoy it in the nude.

Boy, did I learn that the hard way.

What?

I'm the only one who sees a couch and a good book and feels the urge to take his pants off and relax? I'm not the bad guy here, it's society.

Anyway, Eric did a great job with the wrap up of the Ice Bowl story, and thanks to all the boys from the FanHouse who were in touch with me about it. From what I have been able to figure out, it was more important for the NHL to be able to say that they sold out in half an hour than it was for them to make sure that the right fans got into the game.

On the bright side, that decision has led to a lot of decent press from several major sports outlets not generally known for being particularly respectful of hockey. They have been praising the drawing power of the NHL, and raised the game's profile. This is great stuff.

The bad part is, I truly believe the NHL could have had it's cake and ate it too. Like most of the massively embarrassing PR blunders the NHL has made and continues to make, (The Gladiator ad campaign, Glowing Pucks, The Columbus Blue Jackets)this all could have been avoided if the NHL had actually LISTENED to it's fans, something it seems tragically unable to do.

The Hockey Blogs and websites have been calling the Ice Bowl the worst kept secret in sports for a reason- people were really excited about it. The outdoor game in Edmonton was a big deal, and I was pissed when it wasn't on television. The Michigan-Michigan State outdoor game was something that people loved. I really believe that the game would have sold out quickly without the backstage maneuvering, and both the fans and the league would have been thrilled.

Also, to address the baffling question of why tickets were set aside for Toronto Blue Jays Season ticket holders, a comment I got from a reader named David bears reprinting:

The Jays and the Bills have promotions for joint season tickets, whereby if you buy your Bills tickets through your Jays account you would qualify for a discount. Or something to that effect.

Paul Godfrey, president of the Jays has been a huge proponent of bringing the NFL to Toronto and has had strong ties to the Bills organisation dating back to his days as publisher of the Toronto Sun.

I have no idea if this is true, as if there are two things I couldn't give less of a crap about it's Canadian baseball and Buffalo football, but it sounds plausible to me. If anybody can confirm or deny this, I'm all ears.

Ultimately, at the end of the day, I am thrilled for hockey.

This game is going to happen, it's a runaway sellout and will certainly help to restore some of the excitement that many hockey fans have lost since the lockout.

I just wish I coulda scored a ticket.

Who knows though? There are definitely still some tickets out there, and maybe, just maybe- I could find one.

Unlike these two guys who play on my street hockey team,



I guess I just haven't looked everywhere yet.

Good day for Blue Jays Fans-

-they managed to top the Red Sox last night, and their season ticket holders managed to grab (at the very least) 133 tickets to the Winter Classic/Ice bowl- tickets that- well, how do I put this...? Hockey fans were not allowed to access.

I'm disgusted.

Winter Classic/Ice Bowl- the questions continue

OK- I've thrown up a few updates on this already, but I've been able to confirm that yes in fact, very few tickets were made available to Pittsburgh season ticket holders, while many more were made available to Sabres, Maple Leafs, and Blue Jays(!) season ticket holders.

I for one, followed the rules, went to Ticketmaster at 10:09, and missed out entirely. Sure, maybe I should have been trying at 10:01, or 9:59:59, but jeez- I mean, that place fits 70,000. Even after they pull out a mess of seats for TV cameras, that's a lot of tickets in 9 minutes. And from what I can determine, there was a lot more at play here than just overzealous scalpers buying up blocks of tickets. Kevin over at Bflo blog is reporting that Sabres PR man Mike Gilbert told a sports radio station that the biggest block of tickets sold through Ticketmaster was 32, even though it was supposedly possible to buy as many as 50 at a time, another fact that is mindboggling. Who, besides scalpers buys 50 tickets for anything?

While I have heard that people far more connected and qualified than I am are looking into it, I still haven't gotten a decent answer as to why the NHL feels that season ticket holders for the Toronto Maple Leafs or Blue Jays don't have to wait in line like everybody else, or why so many fewer tickets were made available to Penguins season ticket holders.

I contacted the Blue Jays organization, they couldn't confirm anything about ticket promotions, but said someone over there would try to get back to me in the next few days. Apparently, it's crazy over there with the Red Sox in town. I really hope someone calls, but I'm not holding my breath.

And why those two teams?

If it was the Leafs and the Raptors, who are both owned by the same company, that'd still be corrupt, but at least I could understand the motive.

A reporter from Pittsburgh was told by the NHL that they opened the market to Toronto to "attract more fans." Except it's not like Ticketmaster is closed to Toronto, right? Maple Leaf Fans come down to HSBC arena in Buffalo all the time without any special tickets being withheld for them. In fact, the entire reason so many Toronto fans come to Buffalo for games in the first place is they can't get single game tickets to home games, because practically the entire building is bought up by the season ticket holders.

So if the stated excuse for this is to encourage the sports loving residents of a great hockey city who might have a difficult time getting NHL tickets in their home arena, well that might, sorta explain why they reached out to Blue Jays season ticket holders, but why do you also open it up to the Leaf season ticket holders, the one group who have no problem getting tickets in their home arena?

And why the Blue Jays instead of the Raptors or the Argonauts?

OK, just the Raptors.

But still!

And why does Pittsburgh get so screwed?

I'm pissed as it is, but if I were a Penguins season ticket holder, I'd be livid, especially considering the shoddy treatment they've received from their team's management and the NHL with all the rumors of the team moving. All Penguins fans have done is RABIDLY support their team through all this horseshit, and now they have to queue up behind Blue Jays fans?

And what is the NHL thinking? They are using Sidney Crosby to sell the league, then reward his biggest fans by giving them third class citizen status for the biggest game of his career?

Is this a concession for not moving another NHL franchise to the area?

All I'm saying is, If I can't get a ticket to this game, I'd really hope that a Pittsburgh fan, a Buffalo fan, or an NHL VIP is sitting in my seat. As for the Blue Jays, I hope the Red Sox fucking massacre you tonight.

Your fans have had more than their share of good luck for today.

ICE BOWL: SOLD OUT

OK- here's a question:

Seeing as tickets for the historic New Years'Day "Winter Classic" outdoor game between the Sabres and the Penguins went on sale this morning at 10:00 AM, and I couldn't get four at any price at 10:09, can anyone from the NHL answer for this announcement on the Ticketmaster webpage?

PENGUINS, MAPLE LEAFS AND BLUE JAYS SEASON TICKET HOLDERS OFFERS. ENTER THE PASSWORD PROVIDED BY THE RESPECTIVE TEAMS.

Why is there a special icon on the Ticketmaster page that allows season ticket holders from the Toronto Maple Leafs and Toronto Blue Jays to enter a code for either a reserved seat or some kind of deal on tickets, especially seeing as I logged in just after 10:00 and was told there were no tickets available?

I understand that Sabres and Penguin season ticket holders would get first crack, and would even understand why they might give Buffalo Bills season ticket holders a spot in line, but what in God's name does Toronto have to do with all this? The Air Canada Centre holds roughly 19,000 people, and the Rogers centre where the Blue Jays play hold 50,000. While I can't imagine that they have anywhere near 50,000 season ticket holders for the Blue jays, what's a safe estimate- 10,000? Add in- say 15,000 season ticket holders for the leafs, and you have 25,000 fewer tickets available for everybody else.

Why?

Seriously, what gives?


4:22 PM UPDATE: Rob Rossi at The Pittsburgh Tribune Review is reporting that only 1,500 seats were made available to Pittsburgh Penguins season ticket holders. I asked him why he thought special concessions were made through ticketmaster for Toronto Blue Jays and Toronto Maple Leafs season ticket holders, and he said he was told that the NHL "opened the market to Toronto to attract more fans." From my end, I can tell you that Buffalo and Pittsburgh are tremendously popular hockey markets, and something stinks. More later.

I'm taking credit for this

Brodziak, Oilers outlast Panthers 5-4

EDMONTON, Alberta (AP)-- Kyle Brodziak had two goals and an assist to help the Edmonton Oilers beat the Florida Panthers 5-4 in a preseason game Monday night.

Clearly, Brodziak read my post knocking him and decided to make me eat my words.

Well, Mr. Brodziak, you done good. But in a more accurate way, WE done good. Because let's face it...without the gentle prodding and encouragement of American Hockey Fan, you never would have scored those goals.

You're welcome, Oilers fans!

Anything you can plug, I can plug better

Just because Ritch is the boss around here doesn't mean he's the only one allowed to derail the hockey posting to plug his other projects. In fact, I've often considered myself the Alex Ovechkin to his Sidney Crosby in that regard...arguably better at it, but without the media adoration.

OK, that ought to take care of the tenuous link to hockey...now on to the plug!

Today marks the launch of Season 4 of Unleashed, the weekly animated comedy show about the trials and tribulations of animal actors in Hollywood that I created and produce. Check out this week's episode and tell your friends!

If you're scared to leave AHF for fear you'll never find your way back, here's the trailer to wet your whistle.



Speaking of whistles, you know who wears those? Hockey officials.

Anybody wanna hear what my voice sounds like?

Well, listen to this recent edition of the national public radio show "Fair Game with Faith Salie." They were kind enough to have me come by last week and do a humorous little show opening with Faith on the topic of Global Warming.

And for those of you who think that Global Warming doesn't have much to do with hockey, I'll remind you that the last three Stanley Cup winners have been from California, North Carolina, and Florida.

I mean, for crying out loud.

Here's a link to the show, my segment is first.

Is it Tuesday yet?

How can it be possible that I'm sick of football already?

Granted, this kind of thing happens to me every year, and I swear, I like football, or at least I usually do, for the first few weeks it's back. I was never the biggest football fan, but seeing football coming back is usually like the return of an old friend, and it's welcomed. But not this year. Seriously, this year, I could not give a crap. And this is even happening while the Patriots are looking great! If I had to guess, I'd say that the aggressive marketing battles from different networks, highlight shows, videogames and what-have-you led to the NFL killing the golden goose. It's hard to deny that the sheer amount of hype they're putting out there is greatly eclipsing the product on the field.

It might be a function of the Michael Vick and Pac-man Jones stuff that was ever present over the summer, but whatever it is, I am just over football, man.

Already.

I mean, how fucked is it that the season opener of Monday Night Football is on tonight and not only am I wholly uninterested, but actually thinking "Man- I can't wait for September 11th?"

Niedermayer - Dead?

Please ignore this picture. It's only here so
the title of the post makes sense. Thank you.

We’ve all heard the expression “fuck you money.” Meaning, an individual has so much money, he or she can pretty much tell everyone “fuck you, I’m doing whatever I want.” Well, Scott Niedermayer not only has "fuck-you money," he’s had a "fuck-you career."

Olympic gold, a Norris Trophy, and a ring for every four years he’s been in the league…so, yeah. F you. I’m going to abbreviate this from now on, so I don’t have to say “fuck” again.

Whoops. OK, starting now.

So when Niedermayer’s GM starts looking nervously at his watch as the trade deadline (in the case of Lou Lamoriello) and/or training camp (in the case of Brian Burke) draws near, there’s not much they can say or do to light a fire under his ass. He’ll decide when he decides, and that’s it. If Flavor Flav took this long to make a decision, there’d be no room on VH1 for Bret Michaels.

OK, so maybe a little deliberation wouldn’t always be a bad thing. But back to hockey.

The same passionless demeanor Niedermayer displays on the ice (seriously, this guy makes Ivan Drago look like Richard Simmons) must carry over to his discussions with management, because what are they going to say? You don’t issue an ultimatum to a player like Scott Niedermayer, lest he dump his Conn Smythe over your head and start beating it with a ladle just to mess with you.

In my opinion, the waiting is the hardest part.
I think I've been pretty clear about that.

That said, I think we can all agree that this foot-dragging is nothing more or less than a big time f you to the Ducks. The guy had all summer to decide whether or not he’s going to retire, and he’s still not sure? So now he’s going to skip camp, leave the team in limbo, cost himself who knows how much money, and for what? MORE time? Somebody get this guy a Magic 8 ball!

And what kind of marbles does it take to retire at 34, anyway? I think he’s going to need those extra 7 or 8 years just to decide whether or not he might go fishing.

The guy takes a long time with decisions is what I’m saying.

One month away-

Well, we're less than 30 day s a way from the debut of a brand new hockey season, and I gotta tell you, I'm starting to get excited about it. As a Bruins fan, I 'm falling into the usual pattern of hoping for the best, yet wondering whether this year will be any different.

And then, for some reason, I thought about the NHL and how far it has come. There was a lot of hype over the past few seasons about Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin, and like I am pre-disposed to do, I doubted and waited.

But now, after each of these two extraordinary players have had two seasons to stretch their legs, work through the hype and expectations, I gotta say, I'm a believer.

This is the year to watch these guys.

Year one was the "which one will be rookie of the year" thing.
Fun, but ultimately not that big a deal.

Year two was "OK, are either one of these guys just a flash in the pan?"
A resounding no. These guys are not just here to stay, but the future of the game.

So what does this year bring from Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby?

This year brings all the gifts that all of them have offered, plus one mammoth, huge factor- confidence. Neither one has a damn thing to prove to the league as individual players anymore. Now we see how they can lead a team. Just for fun, here are a couple of YouTube Clips of Ovechkin, who I've praised in the past, and Crosby.



Now here's Crosby, in a clip that is kind of awesome, if only to bring people into the mind of a Penguins fan who thought to himself- "You know what would make people understand how great Crosby is? I know! The music of Foreigner!"



Either way, I saw both of them live last year, and I hope to do it again if I can.

This is the year of confidence.This is the year that the boys become men.

I say this now, before my love for the Bruins blinds me to enjoying any success that their Eastern conference rivals might achieve.

Seriously. This is the year.
Get your tickets as soon as possible.

Buckle your seatbelts.

Asphalt Avengers Assemble!

OK- I really, really tried to write something that could properly set this up for you, but I think it's better if you go in cold.




As Ben said, when he forwarded it me, "What the Holy Fuck is this?"

Wow.

I mean, WOW.

I am the only one who thinks Brodeur and his weird goatee'd buddy are going to try to fuck those kids?

To pre, or not to pre

That is the question. After a long summer of no hockey, am I desperate enough to go see a pre-season game? Ritch and I went to one right after the lockout ended. It had been over a year since we had seen any hockey, the tickets were free, we had our pick of seats, and beer was available.

It was still JUST BARELY worth it.

But yesterday I got a Ticketmaster email about upcoming events at the Garden, and there, on Friday September 21st, is a pre-season matchup of the Devils and Rangers. And God help me, I considered it. After all, it's tough to resist the chance to be one of the first to hurl insults at Scott Gomez as he takes the ice in Ranger blue - and one of the few, I'm sure, to hurl insults unrelated to his ethnicity.

Pre-season hockey? Why not watch me dry instead?

That said, there are a few reasons not to go:

1) There is nothing more pointless than pre-season hockey.

2) Thanks to the emphasis on intra-divisional competition, I will have the chance to see the Rangers play the Devils approximately 37 times on an 82 game schedule.

3) This is not the Devils vs. the Rangers. This is a collection of wide-eyed 4th and 5th stringers who are as likely to be caught gazing in awe at Eddie Giacomin's jersey in the rafters as they are to score a goal.

4) There is NOTHING more pointless than pre-season hockey.

Is anybody out there going to a pre-season game? If so, I dare you to defend yourselves in the comments.

Posted without comment

This is not about hockey-

But keep your pants on, it's August.

Or for that matter, take them off.

Either way, I assure you that this clip is much like the game of hockey in that while the number of people who it appeals to may be limited, the amount of enjoyment they will get out of it will more than justify it's presence here. I mean, fuck you- I see other hockey blogs posting about soccer this time of year for God's sake.

Don't judge me.

Further, if there were enough material out there to sustain a full time blog entitled "American 'Skinny Asian Dudes Who Cover Early Metallica Songs on the Cello' Fan," well goddamnit, I'd be the guy updating it, day in and day out.

So without further ado, I present Metallica's "Creeping Death," on a Cello.

Awww, yeah.

As some regular readers may know-

-I have a disgusting cat named Grapes, who is named for Don Cherry.

In the spirit of his namesake, he has come out in favor of fighting, and like his namesake, it will almost certainly cause some controversy.

Check out this endorsement of Michael Vick he wrote over at the Nosebleeds.

I haven't mentioned this yet-

- but I happen to be getting married next January.

I haven't brought it up on the site before, partly because it's nobody's business, but also because it depresses me slightly that there is no chance my bachelor party will be anywhere near as fun as anything thrown by the Staal brothers. But mostly, I haven't said anything because if there is one activity that doesn't have a damn thing to do with the game of hockey, it's wedding planning, or at least it didn't until very recently, thanks to a situation I will shortly explain.

The cliche of the male role in wedding planning is that the groom-to-be stands around slackjawed and nodding while the bride-to-be and her mother begin whirling about in an estrogen fueled daze, flipping through catalogs, selecting caterers, registering for sets of linens, and holding up an endless series of false choices in front of the man's bewildered face,almost perversely daring him to utter the words "Baby- who fucking cares?"

This cliche is true.

Still, it is flawed in one respect. While there are a number of decisions relating to the minutia of design and detail that the male mind (or at least this one) is simply unsuited to handle, this does not mean that the wedding itself, or, in a larger sense, what being married *means* is unimportant to him. He just sometimes has a difficult time conveying the information that there is a qualified difference between 'not giving a fuck about the napkin design' and 'not giving a fuck about the relationship." It's a bumpy road at times, but in our case, for the most part, this message has gotten through. Both my fiancee and I have learned to sense when the other is beginning to lose patience, the same way a racecar driver knows when to ease off on the turns before careening headlong into the wall. Within that metaphor, who exactly is the driver and who is the car has been subject to some debate, but either way, she knows that while I am interested and involved in the process, there is only so much I can handle.

Which brings it back to hockey.

We're getting married on January 20th in New York City, a date we decided on because it's balls expensive to get married in this town, and if we did it on a Sunday in January it would be significantly cheaper. January 20th happens to be Martin Luther King Day weekend, so we can have the wedding at the Sunday rate, and nobody has to go to work the next day.

It's a win-win.

Longtime readers of this site also know that I happen to be a die hard fan of the Boston Bruins. So after the wedding date was selected and the venue secured, It was only natural that I would scan down the newly released NHL schedule to see when my wedding fell. Suspecting that perhaps I'd be missing a largely forgettable NHL All Star Game, which traditionally falls around the 19th or 20th, I was stunned to see that not only was the NHL in session, but the Boston Bruins were playing, during the day, and against the New York Rangers at 1:30 in the afternoon, a mere 10 minute cab ride from my home. It was a sign: The stars were aligning, and this day would truly be one of the best in my life.

Hockey is a tremendously important part of my life and the Boston Bruins are a tremendously important part of how that happened. Being able to have that part of my life be a part of this day, in a city that is not even Boston seemed to me to be a miracle. Taking into account that my Bride to be, as much as I adore her, is a woman who can take up to 40 minutes selecting a tank top, I figured that she would be busy getting ready, freeing up me and my groomsmen to go to the game. Even with a shootout, I'm done by 4:30 at the latest, dressed to the nines by 5:45, married by 7:00, and the day goes down in history as one of the greatest of all time.

So great in fact, was this moment in my mind, that it did not occur to me, even for a second, that it might be a bad idea to inform my Bride-to-be that I, already known to possess a dangerously high level of disdain for napkin patterns and linen registries, was planning to, in her words, "take in a hockey game" 5 hours before "the most important event of our lives."

And that's the rub. It's not that it was a bad idea, but I certainly didn't pitch it very well. I started by saying "What time are we getting married?" And followed up with, "Well, The Bruins play the Rangers at 1:30- how great is that?!"

Despite her initial reaction, which was about as positive as it might of been had I suggested getting married in a suit that "lets people get a better look at my balls," she has come around a bit. Marriage, like wedding planning, is a series of compromises. She understands now that attending this game would not be a callous distraction from the day, but an addition to it's joyfulness, and I add that understanding to the ever lengthening list of reasons that I adore her.

Still, that doesn't necessarily mean I can go.

As it stands now, the game is a great idea, and members of my family can attend, but until all the kinks are worked out, I need to be able to remain flexible and in a place where I can be available to help deal with potential problems, meaning "not sitting in a seat at Madison Square Garden."

Which is fair.

Of course, if the day arrives, every detail is in place and we are ready to go, would it be so bad if I had a ticket in my pocket? You know- just in case? That seems OK to her.

So if you'll excuse me, I'll wrap up this post now.

I've spent too much time on this already, and I have some napkin patterns to approve.

Go ahead and suck, Bruins!

I dare ya!

Seriously!

The Celtics pick up Kevin Garnett, who is so good at basketball that even I have heard of him, and the Red Sox pick up Eric Gagne, who not only have I heard of, but his name means "win" in French, so even the goddamn Canadiens will know what every single sports fan in the world is now so painfully aware of:

The Boston Bruins, the team of Bobby Orr, Cam Neely and Raymond Bourque is now the official toilet of the Boston sports scene.

You're on the bottom now, lads- and it's up to you.

Hey- Jeremy Jacobs!

Zdeno Chara stands six foot nine.

That's only two inches shorter than Kevin Garnett, but for this Boston sports fan it feels like the Bruins are coming up a hell of a lot shorter than that.

Ice Bowl?

Thanks to my friend Jack, who found this picture of the Ralph Wilson stadium (home of the Buffalo Bills) on a Sabres message board.



I think breaking this news when it's 89 degrees and humid in New York City is the perfect time to get excited about watching hockey, outside, in Buffalo.

Jesus, I hope they do this.

Where to play street hockey in Tokyo:

-You know, just in case you're in the land of the rising sun and looking for pickup game.

What?

There's nothing else going on in hockey these days, unless you count the Staal brother's bachelor party.

I have nothing to say on that- except that if I could have been at the scene of the crime for any of the athletic scandals breaking last week, (Barry Bonds challenging for the home run record, a fixed NBA game, a dogfight hosted by Michael Vick, strip club shooting with Pac Man Jones) that Staal bachelor party makes the top of the list by a longshot.

Party on boys, just don't hurt yourselves.

With all the douchebags in sports making news-

-anybody else thinking that Janet Jones Gretzky wishes that her gambling story broke this week?

I wrote more on this today over at the Nosebleeds.

Ha ha!

I think this site's position on the Pittsburgh Penguins has been made pretty clear. But redundant as it may be, let no one say that AHF passed up a chance to shit on the Pens for doing something stupid.

How stupid?

This stupid.

I say again: ha ha.

A better goalie than Ty Conklin.

At this time, I would ask you to travel with me down memory lane, and recall the jokes I made when Buffalo signed Ty Conklin just before last year's deadline. Ryan Miller stayed healthy and the Sabres dodged a bullet. Will Pittsburgh be so lucky? Or will Marc-Andre Fleury fall into a sugar coma from eating his own pads? And has there ever been a more self-referential post on AHF?

Close, but no.

Summertime, summertime, sum-sum summertime

Awesome.



What, you got a better idea?

I got nothin' today.

So why not a dose of Peter Puck?

5 minutes: Slashing, Intent to injure.

And lets throw in an extra two for goaltender interference, shall we?



Happy Friday the 13th everybody.

The Duben Messages, Volume One.

OK- I've mentioned my buddy Duben on this blog before.

He was my roommate for a few years when I lived in Brooklyn, a great guy and the father of an adorable baby girl.

He's also a huge Boston sports fan.

Periodically, he'll get mad about something- the Bruins pathetic situation, Jeremy Jacobs, whoever is coaching the Bruins, whatever- and he'll give my cell phone a call. Occasionally, these phone messages are pretty funny, and I always felt like it might make a nice addition to the blog.

Well, I finally recorded one.

Apparently, Duben was on the Boston Bruins website and stumbled across Bish's Blog, AKA "The Bear Essentials."It's the official blog of John Bishop, a dude from Connecticut who works for the Bruins. I never really read it much, and had no opinion either way, but Duben apparently does read it, and has a rather strong opinion.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, it's negative.

Oh, and this is in no way safe for work.

Put your headphones on, and enjoy.

I'm pretty sure I've posted this before-

-what, you got something better?

Anybody excited to see Joe Thornton return to Boston?

Well, too bad, cause it ain't happening.

Again.

Thanks to the new schedule, Boston fans will once again not see Joe Thornton return to the garden, something he has done exactly once, for approximately 2 minutes, before he hit Hal Gill up high and got thrown out for a game misconduct, kicking him out of what could have been a great contest for both clubs.

I mean, wouldn't it have been fun?

To see what the fans would do?

I don't think they'd boo him.

Who knows?

The Bruins will face Thornton in San Jose on October 13th, but there are so few Bruins left on the team from his era, that it won't really be a factor for him.

Once again, thanks Gary.

Also, the Bruins will not be facing at all, even once- two of the greatest goaltenders in the game in Roberto Luongo and Miikka Kiprusoff. They won't be seeing Ryan Smyth at all, and they won't get to see new goaltender Manny Fernandez prove himself against Minnesota.

Sigh.

Let's just hope that the Ice Bowl comes though.

81 degrees in New York, mostly cloudy.

Not much going on today.

I did take a dump on Sidney Crosby today over at the Nosebleeds, so that's probably worth reading, if you can excuse the kid gloves I put on for those who aren't hockey fans.

Yawn.

I'm gonna go find some lunch.

Oh, and for those of you who do know your way around the game of hockey, maybe I'll have a Pepsi.

I'm inspired by this 1960's ad featuring what appears to be early versions of the Charlestown Chiefs Jerseys.



If I could have improved the ad at all, I would have added a cameo from Tim McCracken at the end saying "Dunlop, you drink Pepsi." Then the guy with the Pepsi bottle would turn to the camera with a grin and say "All I can get."

Thanks to my buddy Duben for the heads up.

Who remembers 1988?

Thanks to my friend Todd, I found this website that features pretty much the entire Nintendo Entertainment System catalog.

Including Ice Hockey, one of the more fun video games ever. Sadly, it doesn't work for those (like me) who have PowerPC Macs, but I figured I'd be remiss in not passing it along to those who don't.

Enjoy!

PS:
Screw Sheldon Souray, I wanna sign the fat guy with the heavy slap shot on my point.

This would certainly ease the pain

of New Jersey's recent Gomez-ectomy:



I mean, I don't think our entire defensive corps has enough highlights for an 8 1/2 minute YouTube piece. No offense to our new #23, Karel Rachunek, who did this:



UPDATE: Well, so much for Souray. I don't know much about Vishnevski, but I was pretty mystified by the addition of Brad Lukowich to the lineup, only to have him step up big time when the chips (and half our D) were down. Vishnevski isn't exactly the power play specialist we're hurting for, but I'm officially reserving comment until the season starts.

OK, technically that was a comment. So I'm officially reserving comment startiiiiiiing...NOW!

Happy Birthday, America!

-You don't look a day over 230.

Seeing as there hasn't been much news since the Carolina Hurricanes won the Wade Brookbank lottery, I feel like today might be a good time to take a few days off.

I wrote a few notes on NHL free agency for my pals over at The Nosebleeds, and the latest free agent signings are available on Sportsnet Canada.

Oh, and you probably know this, but Spector's your spot for the hottest rumors on the net as well. This morning he's got Boston shopping Glen Murray, and Sheldon Souray close to signing with the Devils.

Fun stuff.

Happy Independence Day everybody, and Canada- As you were.

This Drury/Gomez signing is less than a day old-

-And thanks to a great catch from Kukla's Korner, we learn that Jaromir Jagr is already grumbling about it.

He's doing his grumbling in Czech, and in the form of regretting losing Nylander, but it doesn't bode well for your squad when your team manages to snare two of the most coveted free agents of the off season, and your captain doesn't have a positive word to say about it.

Also, there were some reported problems with the new free agent goaltender the Bruins just signed, but GM Peter Charelli waved them off with the simple explanation that it was just "Manny Fernandez being Manny Fernandez."

That works like a charm in Boston.

To be fair-

I just had a look at the pre-thunderbolt roster of the New York Rangers and they were kinda weak at center.

Before tearing the hearts out of Devils and Sabres fans around the country, the Rangers had the following guys playing center:

Michael Nylander- The fact that this guy is your number one center is a problem. He's good but nowhere near great. He's also gone. I'm guessing Washington.

Marty Straka- Capable of flashes of brilliance, but injury prone and kinda soft.

Matt Cullen and Blair Betts- good hockey players, character guys and good for a team, but certainly not dominant. If either of these guys shake out because of this move, another team could snap up a great role player.

Petr Prucha- Showed huge promise his rookie year, then fell off. A question mark at best.

So it makes sense for the Rangers to go after some centers, and ostensibly, with the cap, anybody had a shot, right? But the only sticky issue for me is- Over the past two seasons, the New York Rangers have had something they had missed for seven years: chemistry.

After winning their cup in 1994, the Rangers adopted a policy of signing practically every high profile free agent they could get their hands on, which hurt both the Rangers and the league as a whole. From Lindros to Gretzky to Holik to Bure to Jagr, if a team's leading scorer was on the market, the Rangers were buying. They proceeded to strip mine the league and had absolutely zero in the way of team identity.

Until a few years ago.

Two seasons ago, they rebuilt from the bottom up, and figured they couldn't do anything about Jagr's contract, so why not build around him? They did so, with a nice circle of Czech players and a great young Swedish goaltender, who is still the primary reason to take the Rangers seriously. They made the playoffs for the first time in years, and over the course of the season incorporated the European tradition of raising their sticks as a salute to the fans, one of the greater things to happen to hockey in many years.

Hockey is a game of tradition, and any player or team that can establish one deserves some respect.

The next season they started strong, stumbled, then signed Paul Mara and Sean Avery, and the chemistry came back. They swept their first round playoff opponent and did far better than anyone expected against an under performing Buffalo Sabres team.

OK- Stan Fischler expected more,
but c'mon.


They did well, and looked better.

Now with two new free agents in Drury and Gomez, the same old question is haunting the Rangers.

When everybody is a superstar, who leads the Rangers?

You take it way from Jagr, and he pouts. But with Drury in the room, and Gomez no slouch, what are you saying to your team? How do you fit Avery and Hollweg, two guys that add fire into that mix?

Who knows.

The fact is, The New York Rangers just got a lot richer, talent-wise. But we've seen them do that before.

It'd be a shame that if- in their haste to grab the newest and shiniest free agents on the shelf- they lost the spirit of the team they worked so hard to build over the last two years.

We'll see.

I think it is now safe to say

that American Hockey Fan's official position on the Rangers is as follows:

Fuck the fucking Rangers.

That is all.