American Hockey Fan Expert Playoff Predictions (Round One): Jack Kukoda

Reminder: These Stanley Cup Playoffs picks were decided on Monday by coin flip, and assigned to our writers, who were told to justify them. Without further ado, Buffalo Sabres Fan Jack Kukoda :


So I've accepted Ritch's proverbial 30 pieces of silver to pick against my beloved Sabres, but only for the purpose of this site. I would never betray the Sabres in real life, at least not for a bag of silver. To buy my loyalty, it would take at least a million dollars and a guarantee that the Bills would win the Super Bowl for the next five years. But I digress, here are the picks I was given:

EAST

Islanders over Sabres
How/why this will happen:

There are three ways the Isles can pull this one off:
1) Miller gets hurt, leaving Ty Conklin to play hide and seek with the goal crease for the duration of the series.
2)The Sabres bus gets lost on the way to Nassau Colisseum, forcing them to forfeit.
3)Drew Bledsoe quarterbacks the power play.

Lightning over Devils
How/why this will happen:

Well, the Lightning did win the regular season series 3-1, I think, but I'm not about to bother looking it up. Lack of face-painters at Continental Airlines Arena disheartens Devils, Lightning win in 6.

Senators over Penguins
How/why this will happen:
Bryan Murray gives the Braveheart speech with his adorable speech impediment, inspiring the Senators. Sadly, the bar is set so low up there that winning one playoff series is the Stanley Cup for those guys. Go plan your parade, you hosers, 'cause you're not going past the second round.

Thrashers over Rangers
How/why this will happen:

Jaromir Jagr has a change of heart and decides he doesn't want to actually try this year, after all. In an attempt to fire up his team, Sean Avery picks a fight with the Atlanta mascot but gets his ass kicked after an enraged "Thrash" accuses him of uttering a racial slur against anthropomorphic brown thrashers. Despite winning the hearts of foul-mouthed ornithologists all over the State of Georgia, Avery and the Rangers fall in 6 games.

WEST

Flames over Red Wings
How/why this will happen:

Hasek something something groin something something crybaby something something choke artists.

Wild over Ducks
How/why this will happen:

Jacques LeMaire's teams are way too high scoring and dynamic to be stopped. I say they put up at least 75 goals in this series.

Sharks over Predators
How/why this will happen:

The series that will finally decide America's true hotbed of hockey: Northern California or Central Tennessee. The Sharks put the Predators out of their misery in 6 games, setting in motion a chain of events that moves the franchise to Kansas City, but which will eventually move and move again. Gary Bettman, in his infinite wisdom, sends the franchise to six other Missouri cities by the 2011-2012 season as part of his "I'm Going To Make These Southerners Like Hockey Even If It Fucking Kills Me" program.

Canucks over Stars
How/why this will happen:

Fuck you, Mike Modano, and your stupid giant teeth. Don't think I forgot you were there in '99, too. You'll never be half the American-born center LaFontaine was. Luongo wins this one single-handed.

American Hockey Fan Expert Playoff Predictions (Round One): Ben Zelevansky

Reminder: These Stanley Cup Playoffs picks were decided yesterday by coin flip, and assigned to our writers, who must justify them. Without further ado, New Jersey Devils Fan Ben Zelevansky :

EAST

Sabres over Islanders
How/why this will happen: Duh.

Lightning over Devils
How/why this will happen: New Jersey's overwhelming commitment to team defense prevents their forwards from entering the offensive zone for the duration of the series. Each of Tampa's four GWG in this sweep deflects in off the ass of a different Devils defenseman.

Thrashers over Rangers
How/why this will happen: Despite Bobby Holik's reluctance to offend the club that paid him 8 figures to win faceoffs, the Thrashers take the series, eliciting a collective "Wait, what?" from the city of Atlanta. Side prediction: Sean Avery will bitch to the media about something.

Penguins over Senators
How/why this will happen: The Sens take it to the Pens, but the Pens keep the Sens penned in their own end. Eventually, as Fleury tends, the Pens fend off the Sens, and despite some breaks and bends, the players mend and remain friends in the end.

WEST

Calgary over Red Wings
How/why this will happen: Wait, there's still a Western Conference? So why haven't I seen them on TV this year?

Ducks over Wild
How/why this will happen: Fueled by pure shame despite a name and logo change, the Ducks sweep Minnesota just so they can change back into street clothes as quickly as possible.

Sharks over Predators
How/why this will happen: This is a tough call, since I think Predator could probably beat a Shark…after all, he had a pretty good showing against Alien. Whoever wins, we lose.

Canucks over Stars
How/why this will happen: This one's a no-brainer. Wait, are we talking about the NHL playoffs or a Goaltenders-only John Turturro Lookalike Contest?

American Hockey Fan Expert Playoff Predictions (Round One): Jen Adams

Reminder: These Stanley Cup Playoffs picks were decided yesterday by coin flip, and assigned to our writers, who must justify them. Without further ado, newbie American Hockey Fan and Sabres enthusiast Jen Adams:

A couple of things to start.
1. Random coin flip, my ass. I didn't think the laws of physics allow for a one-sided coin designated solely to crappier teams, but hey, I'm new at this.
2. No, seriously. I mean, come on. Look at these friggin' picks.
3. I'm doing this entirely without research, since the whole green thing is my angle, so keep in mind that most of what I say will be pure bullshit, unless I'm right, in which case, bow before my omniscience.

East

Isles over Sabres
How/why this will happen: Hell freezes over, the sky opens from above, cats and dogs living together.

Lightning over Devils
How/why this will happen: After straining a muscle during a routine dismissal of a girl from his bed, Marty Brodeur has to sit out the series. Much like a unicorn without its horn, in his absence, not only do the Devils not play well, but they actually cease to exist.

Rangers over Thrashers
How/why this will happen:Brendan Shanahan's concussion imbued him with a temporary Charlie Gordon-like ability to calculate velocities and angles, singlehandedly leading the team to an upset. Also, he speaks in a French accent now. Weird.

Penguins over Senators
How/why this will happen: The Penguins decide to do away with any sort of offensive formation, choosing instead to station four men around the rink with the instructions to "Defend Sid to the Death." They do, and at least two good Canadians are lost.

West

Red Wings over Flames
How/why this will happen: Over the course of a seven game series, Detroit puts the puck into Calgary's net more times than Calgary does in a corresponding manner. That was easy.

Ducks over Wild
How/why this will happen: The home ice advantage plays a large role in this matchup, as the majority of the Wild roster has never spent more than 48 consecutive hours in above 58 degree weather. Native Swede Kim Johnsson actually melts.

Sharks over Predators
How/why this will happen: Realizing that between the two teams, no more than a total of 64 people--most of them relatives--care about this matchup, the teams meet up at a local bar and settle the series with a raucous game of Rock Paper Scissors.

Stars over Canucks
How/why this will happen: Realizing that they've already won the race purely by dint of not having to live and practice in Texas, Vancouver puts on a couple Harlem Globetrotter-style exhibition games to showcase their little-known slapstick skills, before turning the win over to Dallas in a show of good sportsmanship.

Happy Anniversary, American Hockey Fan!

Yes, it's true, people.

American Hockey Fan is one year old today.

There wasn't really a proper post until April 17th, but it was a year ago today that I kicked it off, so it seems that now would be an appropriate time to announce the unveiling of the new and improved:

American Hockey Fan Expert Stanley Cup Predictions (first round edition)

I have been on record before that making playoff predictions is for chumps, since they are almost always wrong, and when they are right, it's usually for the wrong reasons.

Face it, was anyone picking that Carolina would be playing Edmonton in the finals last year?

As such, I have decided that rather than having all of the folks here at AHF (myself, Ben, Jen and Jack) give their actual predictions, I would flip a coin for each matchup, tell them what their predictions are and if they don't like them, tough shit.

As knowledgeable hockey people and funny folks, they have to justify how these picks that they have been assigned will actually come to pass.

So here are the predictions for each person here at the blog- their reasons for their picks will be coming in over the next couple of days provided they decide to, well- you know, do it.

I assure you, all of these picks were decided by coin flip, and they all were determined entirely randomly.

Let's see how we do!

The Randomly selected predictions for Ben (New Jersey Devils Fan) Are:

East:

-Sabres over Islanders
-Lightning over Devils
-Thrashers over Rangers
-Penguins over Senators.

West:

Calgary over Red Wings
Ducks over Wild
Sharks over Predators
Canucks over Stars

The Randomly selected predictions for Jen (Recent Hockey Convert, Buffalo Sabres Fan) Are:

East:

-Isles over Sabres
-Lightning over Devils
-Rangers over Thrashers
-Penguins over Senators

West:
-Red Wings over Flames
-Ducks over Wild
-Sharks over Predators
-Stars over Canucks

The Randomly selected predictions for Jack (Buffalo Sabres Fan) Are:

-Isles over Sabres
-Lightning over Devils
-Thrashers over Rangers
-Senators over Penguins

West:

-Flames over Red Wings
-Wild over Ducks
-Predators over Sharks
-Canucks over Stars

And, the randomly selected predictions for me (Ritch, Bruins Fan) Are:

East:

-Isles over Sabres
-Devils over Lightning
-Rangers over Thrashers
-Senators over Penguins

West:

-Calgary over Red Wings
-Ducks over Wild
-Sharks over Predators
-Canucks over Stars

Once again, each and every one of these picks is entirely random, and the writers will be forced to justify how in God's name it could actually happen.

Stay tuned, and once again, Happy Birthday to AHF!

Birth of an American Hockey Fan Week Nine: The Last Regular Season Game

Figured I'd bring this thing all round again in some quaint circle of life fashion and wrap up this up with the Sabres final regular season game, a game of so little importance that they scheduled it for Easter, cornering the niche market of Jewish hockey fans (Ben, that's just you. Just you.).

In order to wrestle the remote away from my mother before tucking into our Easter spaghetti, I had to defend the sport of hockey and justify its viewing during the Master's (Mother: Are they still skating back and forth on the ice? Me: Are they still hitting the ball, running after it, then hitting it again?). When my choice triumphed, I found myself in the position of having to explain not just the rules of hockey, but the very concept of professional sports to my grandmother, much in the same way it was once explained to an ignorant little me a few months ago. Intrigued by the fighting- that's my old girl- she picked up the basics pretty quickly, and now calls Buffalo her team, as she is unaware of any other team's existence. In a nicely symbolic moment (and with some divine help from above/silverware diagrams), I was able to explain icing for the very first time, and when my grandmother called Conklin on handling the puck outside the trapezoid even before the refs did ( "Where did the goalie go? Shouldn't he be in front of the net?"- close enough), I felt like Arva Orr, watching my flesh and blood fly through the air. *

Gamewise, this was actually my first opportunity to see Ty Conklin in front of the net, at least in a non-handing the playoffs to the Hurricanes capacity. While I wasn't horrified at his performance, I was unimpressed. There's something about the way he moves and the way he lets in four goals to the worst team in the entire league that gives me the feeling that he talks to himself in the mirror and carries a good luck talisman in his pocket. I'm sure there was cake and ice cream and Mylar balloons stating "You didn't completely blow it!!" waiting for him when he got home, but I'm going to be sacrificing livestock in the name of Ryan Miller's health before every playoff game. The rest of them were looking pretty decent for a bunch of guys essentially trying not to waste any platelets before the playoffs, especially Pomminville, and as Useless Henineken Light Intermission announcer pointed out (Heineken Light? Really?), they really are doing much better on the power play, not that yesterday's stats provided much empirical evidence. A nice, easy little pickup game to whet my appetite for the carnage to follow in the next couple of months.

*Feeling pretty goddamn proud of myself for this one.

Birthing Status: Fully Dilated

This weekend in the NHL-

-one of the greatest playoff races in the history of the NHL was played out.

The Montreal Canadiens and the Toronto Maple Leafs brought an entire country to its feet in one of the best hockey games I have ever seen.

A defensive battle it was not, but it was high scoring, as fast paced and aggressive as a seventh game of a Stanley Cup playoff series, and was everything that American critics of the game have been claiming the game has needed for years. The momentum shifted radically at least twice, and the game ended with a Toronto victory in regulation, eliminating Montreal and allowing for maximum drama in New Jersey the next day, putting the New York Islanders in position to eliminate the Maple Leafs and gain a playoff spot with a victory.

The next day, in the largest media market in the country, an entire season came down to one game, was tied up with less than one second remaining and after a thrilling, five minute overtime, was settled by a shootout that pitted two rookie goaltenders against each other with the seasons of two storied franchises on the line.

You know what was on NBC?

Car racing.

NBC did show an NHL game- it was the Buffalo Sabres, who had clinched the division last week and had nothing to play for, facing off against the last place Philadelphia Flyers, in a matchup that was interesting almost exclusively to relatives and close friends of Ty Conklin.

Do I need to mention that Ty Conkin does not have many close friends?

Oh- and by the way- the head broadcaster, and face of hockey in America for the NBC High Definition broadcast was this man:




If you'll allow me a moment, I'd like to compose an open letter:


Dear Whoever Is In Charge Of Selling The Game Of Hockey In America,

It's your pal Ritch.

I just wanted to let you know that on the most exciting weekend of the entire hockey season, with a budget of millions of dollars, you decided to show the nation a meaningless game that no one wanted to watch and paid a snake oil salesman to host it.

Seriously.

The face of your sport is on record here comparing Wayne Gretzky to Richard Simmons.

Let me be clear:

You are missing what makes this game great.

Real hockey fans lost an entire season because idiots like you were allowed to make decisions about our game.

You have a great product that people will watch, and you are doing a terrible job.

The Stanley Cup Playoffs, the best tournament in sports, is starting on Wednesday, and it is so goddamn entertaining that even you guys probably can't fuck it up.

You will note that I say "probably."

If those games get good ratings, it isn't because of anything you do.

There are two facts that at this point in the hockey season are unchangeable:

1) The Stanley Cup Playoffs are great

2)You are terrible at your jobs


Oh, and just becuase I love the game and I love American hockey fans, here's a tip- with the Devils, Islanders and Rangers in the playoffs, you're gonna wanna say that there are three New York teams in the playoffs this year, and that's the first time this has happened since blah, blah, blah.

Well, Buffalo also happens to be in New York, and there's a good chance they are going to beat each one of those teams on the way to the Stanley Cup finals.

Sincerely,

Ritch Duncan

Will the real Bill Clement please stand up?

We all know Bill Clement, right?

Inoffensive, middle-of-the road, company man hockey announcer that seems to be first guy called for pretty much every national hockey broadcast that comes down the line?

Yeah, Bill Clement!

That's him.






So who the hell is this guy?

This is the picture that appears next to Bill Clement's name on the website of Nopac Talent, "America's Premier Celebrity and Sports Talent Agency."

They seem like a reputable company that provides professional athletes and celebrities for speaking engagements.

Jeremy Roenick is also available, and you can tell it's the real Roenick because it's April, and he's on the golf course.

Now I know what you're thinking- that guy kinda looks like Bill Clement, right?

Same facial structure, same hair, same borderline heterosexual Magnum PI mustache- well,maybe it's just a picture of a younger Bill Clement?

Well, here's a picture of young Bill Clement, and if you're still not convinced that they have the wrong guy, here's a frankly splendid look at both a young and old Bill Clement, doing a commercial for "Backwoods Off!"

I found it on his website, and has the added bonus of seeing him shirtless and surrounded by biting insects. It's really kind of extraordinary:



For all the people who arrive at this site after googling "shirtless hockey players," I'm thrilled to finally have something to offer them.


OK- so if that dude isn't Bill Clement, NHL broadcaster, Backwoods Off! Spokesman and Motivational Speaker, who the hell is he?

Well, it's interesting actually. That guy actually happens to be Bill Clement, member of the 2005 Canopy Formation World Record holding skydiving team, who, along with 80 other skydivers, successfully undertook an 81 person canopy formation parachute jump.

I shit you not.

Check it out, people, there he is- number 16, between Tamsin Causer and Martin Clennon
for all the world to see. Click his name, and you're treated to this photograph, which also coincidently, comes up on the first page of a Google image search for "Bill Clement."

If you're asking people for $20,000-$30,000 to produce Bill Clement, is it asking too much that you could, um- pick him out of a lineup?

Oh, and if you're curious about skydiving Bill Clement, here's a photo of his World record breaking jump.



According to the website, Bill Clement is fourth up from the bottom, and third from the left.

You see him there?

He's the one with the mustache.

Congratulations, skydiving Bill Clement!

Oh, and if you're curious about what you'll actually get if you do plunk down the $20,000+ for Broadcaster Bill Clement to come and speak to your corporate or business group, here's a pretty sweet sample (also from BillClement.com) of the "Value Added Leadership" he's offering. If you can make it all the way to the end, he makes a joke that's worth every penny of that twenty thousand dollars. Seriously. Try to make it through.




Holy Christ.


I wonder how much they charge for the skydiver?

No hockey last night.

I was at home with the lady, and since I've been pretty clear about the fact that I'm gonna be watching two or three hockey games a night when the playoffs start, I figure it's a good idea to let up and watch something else on the nights when there's no playoff race on. It wasn't all that hard, all that was on was Caps/Thrashers and Ducks/Sharks, and while I do get a kick of out hearing the Atlanta broadcast team continually explaining to their audience what a playoff game is, it's better for my relationship if I give the hockey a rest for right now.

Anyway, we took advantage of our new DVR to attempt to watch American Idol. We've tried to watch it a few times in the past, just to see what all the fuss was about, but all we would ever see was a group of awful people saying awful things about awful singers who sing awful songs.

That's the whole show, right?

Anyway, we tried again last night, and surprise, it was fucking awful.

But here's where the genius part comes in. Everybody always talks about how DVR is a great thing because it allows you to skip the commercials, but as my pal Michael Reisman has pointed out, the real beauty of the DVR is it also lets you skip through the shitty parts of the actual shitty shows themselves. As such, we watched pretty much the whole show in about 8 minutes, which seems hard to believe, as I feel like I now have at least ten minutes of material on it.

Jesus, that show is wretched.

The best part was when the girl with the short skirt and the girl with the tight shirt were clutching onto each other waiting for one of them to be eliminated, as though they were being forced to await the verdict on whether America ultimately defines itself as more of a leg man than a tit man. When one of their names was called, their reactions of joy and despair were identical, ie- crying, rending garments, pulling hair over eyes, etc.

This was great because after they took all this time and drama unveiling who was to go, they finally told us, and we still had fully no idea which weeping, squalid clownface was the one who had gotten the sack. As it happened, America went for the tits, which seemed to me about par for the course.

I did like the part where they actually mocked a contestant's physical appearance by suggesting that he resembled the lead character from the Disney flop "Chicken Little," which he completely did. It was as though they said "Enjoy mediocrity? Don't bullshit me. We know you do. Well check out how much this mediocre thing you didn't enjoy watching that much resembles this other mediocre thing you didn't enjoy watching that much! High Five!"

Honestly, if America loves mediocrity this much, you'd think Bruins hockey would get higher ratings.

Oh, and speaking of the Bruins, the only joy I have left on that front is rooting for Montreal to lose. Lucky for me, my pal Eric has come though again with tickets to the Rangers and Canadiens tonight. If the Rangers either win or make it to overtime, they will clinch a playoff spot, and we'll be checking the scoreboard all night for the Leafs/Islanders as well.

If the Isles get eliminated tonight, the "Potvin Sucks" chants should be ringing from the rafters with particular luster.

Either way, it should be really fun.

A musical message for the Carolina Hurricanes:

I just hope it's not overkill.



OK, it was Overkill.

Yes, the Carolina Hurricanes were officially eliminated from playoff contention last night, making this year the first time in history that both the previous year's Stanley Cup champion AND challenger failed to make the playoffs.

How's that for parity, Mr. Bettman?

Oh, and as it happens, these Devils fans from the 2006 playoffs eventually did end up being right, they were just 11 months early.



By the by, it's looking like a big night in New York this Thursday with four teams still battling for a playoff spot all meeting up in the big apple. The Rangers clinch with a point, so if I'm doing my math right, if they beat the Canadiens and the Isles beat the Leafs, we could be setting up a Saturday night showdown between Montreal and Toronto, on Hockey Night in Canada with a playoff berth on the line.

If this happens, everyone in Canada will be watching this game.

I guess what I'm saying is, anybody wanna drive to Canada with me this weekend for some good, old-fashioned looting?

Hell, we could do it in the nude for all they would notice up there.

We'll start drinking during warmups, and as soon as the puck drops, we strip naked and stroll to the center of downtown Toronto with this bitchin' metal saw. Then we cut down a parking meter, pitch it through the window of a JC Penny's, pick up some stereo equipment (and perhaps a sharp new suit of clothes) and saunter back to the hotel room in time for Coaches Corner.

It'll be the perfect crime.

Who's in?

Define "spotless"

OK, we've had some fun here at AHF with this whole Julien firing, and that's important. But as the site's resident Devils fan, I see that it falls to me to provide some perspective. After all, I've been watching this team all season, and if attendance is any indication, you sure as hell haven't. So give me just a moment to collect myself here, and speak out in defense of Lou Lamoriello.



Oh, yeaaaaahh...that's better.

First off, I haven't been wildly impressed with Julien's coaching. And before you point to the standings, let me assure you that if you'd been watching them all year, you wouldn't be too impressed either. This team has had to work WAY too hard to get where they are. I don't care to look up the stats (Forechecker?), but the number of one-goal games they've played this year has got to be some kind of record. And yeah, they've won most of those games, but if your team has to go full throttle to beat Philly 3-1 (including an empty-netter, no less) there's no denying that something ain't right.

Yeah, they've had some injuries lately...a lot, in fact. And having players like Patrik Elias, Brian Gionta, and John Madden all out at the same time is going to be a kick in the crotch (or in this case, groin) no matter who your coach is. But why so many injuries? At the time, the team blamed bad ice at the Meadowlands after the circus had been in town...but I didn’t really see that ice affecting the other teams. Might those injuries be due to a reduced number of practices, or a lack of intensity in the few practices they did have? Or was it the overworking of the top three lines resulting from a resistance to play a fourth line that, while not exactly offensive superstars, are still one of the best "energy" lines the Devils have seen in years?

Putting that aside, though, injuries are part of the game, and the beauty of the Devils' system and of their much-heralded (and rightly so) scouting department is that you can call up guys from Lowell to fill those roles. Rod Pelley demonstrated that he is a Madden-in-training, matching up against some of the top players in the league, going only -3 in 9 games, and winning faceoffs with a vengeance. And David Clarkson knocked us all on our collective ass notching 4 points in his first 7 NHL games, including 2 goals on the power play – and that's to say nothing of his gritty physical play on both sides of the puck. The talent was there, even during the stretch of injuries. But the team just wasn’t clicking...so who do you blame? (Hint: the coach)

If you're still wondering whether dumping Julien was the right move, take a look at last night's game against Ottawa. The second most productive offense in the league, and the Devils took them through 6 rounds of a shootout before John Madden (the captain of this team - sorry, Patrik) put the final nail in the coffin. Another one-goal victory, but it was like night and day compared to that game in Philly.

So maybe Lou's "house" was "spotless." It was certainly plenty clean enough for the likes of you and me...let's face it, we live like pigs. Empty pizza boxes all over the place, laundry stacked a mile high in the corner – if someone came in a washed a dish, that'd probably be enough to satisfy us. But in this case, I'm reminded of one of Lou's apocryphal quotes – "Good is not good enough when better is expected."

See you in the playoffs – In Lou We Trust!

UPDATE - The Forechecker rules. Anyone with theories on why the new NHL features so many one-goal games, let's hear 'em.

Devils GM Lou Lamoriello fires maid, citing "spotless house."

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

By RITCH DUNCAN
STAFF WRITER



EAST RUTHERFORD -- When Lou Lamoriello walked into his servants quarters at noon Monday, none of his team of cooks and butlers could have guessed what the president and general manager of the Devils was about to tell them.

Lamoriello calmly announced that he had fired head maid Claudette Julien, blaming her for the "spotless" appearance of his home.

"Jaws dropped," butler Jeeves Brodeur said. "It was kind of 'Wow.' You start thinking, 'What did we do wrong?' "

When American Hockey Fan contacted Lamoriello, he was busy squeezing his pasty white thighs into a set of black mesh tights, and was observed holding a tight fitting black-and-white maid's outfit up against his body, in a display that this reporter found difficult to watch.

"Sure, the place is immaculate, but it's not good enough- Claudette HAD to go. Oh, and do you think this outfit will make my ass look fat?"

The more pertinent question might be, "What did Julien do wrong?"

The Lamoriello mansion is prominently featured on the first page of "Atlantic Home and Garden" magazine's "cleanest homes" issue and is number two on the list of cleanest homes in the East, behind the sparkling mansion of Buffalo Billionaire Tom Golisano.

"I don't think that my cleaning staff is at a point of being ready for the [level of] scrubbing that is going to be necessary going into the cleanoffs," Lamoriello said, adorably accentuating his point with a imported French feather duster.

The cleanoffs, of course, are the annual spring cleaning exercises that many wealthy homeowners throughout the United States and Canada go through each spring, although to be honest, it's been been quite a while since a Canadian homeowner has put in the the elbow grease to be the tidiest. It's odd that Lamoriello would take this much interest in cleaning, especially seeing as Boston homeowner Jeremy Jacobs has expressed confidence in his maid, despite the fact that she left his home in a state of fetid, repulsive, squalor, the second year in a row this has happened.

This isn't the first time that Lamoriello has taken the cleaning of his palatial mansion into his own hands, but it is odd that he did so when the house seemed to be so lemony-fresh. "I'm not saying that it's going to change, but there has to be a better focus going forward. And if at all possible, I'd like to find a Parisian Maid's outfit that accentuates my curves a bit better. Maybe something in a sheer, open-cup babydoll with matching apron and G-string."

The press conference was scheduled to continue for another 15 minutes, but this reporter left early when Lamoriello finished applying his makeup, pooched his mottled, white buttcheeks out of the miniskirt he was wearing and started making pouty-faces into his full size mirror, which, like the rest of his home, was spotless.











(Thanks to Tom Gulitti for the template.)

Birth of an American Hockey Fan Week Eight: NHL Vintage Collection: Greatest Goals

After taking a week to bask in the Sabres glory, I decided to tap into NHL’s Greatest Goals, as narrated by Denis Leary. Reasoning behind this casting choice: 1. It was 1996, pre-blogs, when spewing vitriol on random topics still had some cache 2. Boston fans should always narrate sports specials, it gives them something to do 3. There are no other celebrity hockey fans. Though the production values were a little bit low—at one point, another camera man filming Leary fully and unapologetically entered the frame, and I was surprised they had sprung for two cameras—they did manage to shell out for a couple of additional “celebrity” hockey fans, Dave Coulier from Full House and Dan Moriarty from (I’m assuming) open mic night at Jimmy’s Burgers and BBQ on Route 1. I’m unfortunately a little fuzzy on names and teams, which would not only be a key component of this post, but really the only thing that makes it make sense, but none of you are reading anyway, so play along.



Unlike my less-than-exciting experiment with Classic Moments a few weeks ago, this DVD proved to be highly entertaining, and although the daguerreotype-to-digital transfer for some of the older games made it difficult to distinguish between players and, well, the ice, there’s something to be said for a game winning goal in which nary a helmet flies off, as the NHL had yet to determine the correlation between getting hit in the head with a puck and massive head trauma. They trot out quite a few legends to toss in a few monosyllabic words on their famous goals, including Gretzky, Brett Hull (who, it would seem, was in the crease), and a Lemieux or deux. While some of these guys have held up quite well for having had the shit slapshotted out of them for years, some of their noses make me wonder whether their team doctor’s were even vaguely acquainted with the idea of a plumb line.

At one point Dave Coulier gave Luc Robitaille a mic and a piece of chalk and asked him to reenact the specifics of his famous goal (I forget which one), and if your DVD remote isn’t a piece of shit like mine, you can actually pause on the very moment during Robitaille’s masterful oration (“Then I went here, and he cameat me, so I went here, then I went here…”) at which Coulier regrets turning on his mic. Once Lucky Luc figured out how to use the chalk and got about halfway through drawing circles and hearts on the chalkboard, Coulier mercifully put us out of our misery.

Even worse is Leary’s attempt to recreate the famous goal during which the famous hockey player (an assist here?) flips the puck over the back of the net, to himself, to score. An amazing goal to watch, with some seriously creative expletive usage on my part, but Leary takes about 4-5 tries on clear ice only to fail miserably, and a truer anti-smoking announcement has never been filmed.

Perhaps the greatest joy for me was the introduction of a move called a spin-o-rama, joylessly defined by Wikipedia as “a player completing several tight circles with the puck fully under control of his stick, eluding pursuing opponents who cannot keep up or intercept the player.” There was an entire category devoted to spin-o-ramas, kicked off with Valerie Kamenski’s shot between his feet while in some sort of tailspin. This move is the wheelie, the slam dunk, the Called Shot of hockey. Including this maneuver once in every game would guarantee that even the Predators would pack the stands. This move blew my top, agaped my jaw, warmed the cockles of my heart.

All in all, a worthy 46 minutes and royalty nickel for Denis Leary, and I learned how to pronounce Yzerman.

Birthing Status: Four Centimeters

Watching Hockey Night in Canada

And Jesus, is it fun.

It's the Flames and Canucks, and the beautiful thing for an East Coast hockey fan whose watching these teams play is that it's a showcase of players you've always heard about and don't get to see much, along with guys who you loved at one point but you haven't seen in ages.

Kristen Huselius, Tony Amonte, Brad Stuart, Daymond Lankow, Sami Salo, Alex Tanguay, Roman Hamirlik, Brian Smolinski, it's like a who's who of "What the hell happened to that guy I liked?"

Fuck, you even get to see Rory Fitzpatrick, which will be fun till the day he retires.

As it stands, Calgary is leading 3-0 in an unfriendly building, and they look very, very good.

With all the emphasis on speed and rolling lines these days, it's fun to watch Calgary (who is also plenty fast), and their shotblocking and tough forechecking style that doesn't look too different from the one that got them to the seventh game of the Stanley Cup finals back in the last gasps of the "old NHL." I'm surprised to see that the teams are tied in shots, when in real time, it seems like Calgary would be beating them soundly in that department.

That Kipersoff makes it look easy, don't he?

Leaving Boston now.

And it can't be soon enough as I'm taking a train from South Station, which is downwind from the TD Banknborth Garden and the stinky, stinky Bruins.

Whew!

I'm gonna light a match or two, then head out of town.

Now all there is left to do root for both the Rangers and Isles to make the playoffs.

More local teams in the tournament, the greater my chances of seeing live playoff action.

Anybody wanna take me to the playoffs?

I don't like the Habs any more than the rest of you...

...but this is pretty good:



Elmo is pretty clearly hepped up on goofballs (and probably helium) but I'd say his prediction is right on.

I'm in Boston- buy me a beer?

Well, as it happens, the lady had to travel to Boston this week for work, and as my most recent freelance assignment over at Court TV just ended, I decided to tag along and catch up on my drinking during the daytime.

Unsurprisingly, I found myself in a sports bar outside the Garden, and walked over to the Bruins pro shop, hoping for some kind of "Christ, I know it's embarassing to wear this stuff, but look how cheap it is!" sale.

Sure, the Bruins collapsed in epic fashion this month, (notwithstanding last night's nice win against Ottawa) but that doesn't mean that I'll look askance at an opportunity to snag a new spoked B hat for 50 percent off. As it turned out, the sales were on, but there wasn't much I wanted in there, although I admired the balls they had in asking 5 bucks for a shitty sticker of that awful old mustard bear.

But the Bruins are hosting the Penguins tomorrow, and I thought I'd see how much tickets were, and sure enough I scored some 10 dollar tickets up in the nosebleeds. Once I get in, I'm guessing I'll pretty much be able to pick my seat.

I've never seen Sidney Crosby skate, I'm interested in seeing Bruin prospects Mark Stuart and Peter Kalus stretch their legs a bit, and let's be honest, when NHL hockey costs less than a matinee of Wild Hogs, you gotta take notice.

I know we have unsuccessfully attempted the American Hockey Fan "Buy me a Beer" challenge before, but I think it's time for one more crack at it. In the past, Both Jen and I have given out our seat numbers in the hope that someone would stop by with a beer in exchange for a personal shoutout on the site.

However, as I may be moving around once I get to the game, here's a step by step guide to how you will be able to find me to purchase me a beer:

1) Enter the upper deck of the TD Banknorth Garden
2) Find a male in his 30's who isn't wearing Penguins gear
3) It'll probably be me.

A Molson would be ideal, but whatever they have is fine.

See you tomorrow!

Well, the HDTV finally kicked in.

It took me a few days to figure it out, seeing as the cable box and the television need to be on the right settings, it requires new cables, new connections and when you consider that this TV has enough inputs on it that with the correct set of wires, I can use it to travel through time, it can get complicated.

Today, it was to be my job to call the cable company and threaten to call Direct TV, an action that was sure to cause the Time Warner representative to tremble in fear at the thought of a black mark on their heretofore spotless reputation for stellar customer service. Of course, they also might just decide to send me though a automated telephone menu so rigorous that it would solve nothing, waste my entire afternoon, and lead me to a level of frustration so intense that I would literally begin looking though the stationary drawer for a mailer envelope sturdy enough to safely deliver the customer service department of Time Warner what it truly deserved, a tightly coiled human turd.

So I was sitting there, with my HDTV cable box still thinking that I had a square television screen, tired of poring over owners manuals and at the edge of despair. With remote in hand, I did what all American males do when logic has failed them, and started pressing random buttons.

Once of the buttons I chose was the "source" button on my TV remote, and all of a sudden, the clouds parted, the horizontal grey bars disappeared, and High Definition television arrived. Of course, this was a bit of a mixed blessing, as the sample HD channel I was watching happened to be ABC, which was tuned to "The View."

It was startling, to say the very least.

If you aren't used to watching high definition broadcasting in the first place, having it instantly sear across your field of vision in the form of the horrible spectre of Rosie O'Donnell, Barbra Walters, Joy Behar, and that other witchy little see-you-next-Tuesday in full crisp, horrifying clarity, well- it's enough to give anyone the heebie jeebies.

"The View," indeed.

Sounds like a Japanese horror movie.

Despite the fact that I was staring directly into every detailed bulge and wrinkle of these horrifyingly orange women, I was so thrilled that my HDTV was finally working, that it provided me with enough residual, pent-up joy to help me fight through the horror of the images currently unfolding before my eyes. With a song in my heart, I shrieked like a wounded animal, bayed out a few repetitions of "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU"and gleefully fumbled my way to the cable remote and the relative safety of the Discovery channel in HD, which by the way, also fucking rocks.

But it's nothing compared to hockey.

Hockey in High Definition is really something extraordinary.

Let me put it this way- I'm watching the Boston Bruins get the shit kicked out of them by the Pittsburgh Penguins on a replay of Sunday's NBC game on the Universal HD channel, and I gotta tell you, I am loving it.

I love the Boston Bruins, hate the Pittsburgh Penguins and I can't take my eyes of this goddamn screen.

In high definition, the Bruins are more than just a bored, disinterested, passionless hockey team, they are like bored, disinterested, passionless house guests.

It's almost indescribably awesome.

Thank God the Bruins suck.

If they were any good this year, I'd never leave the house.

Guest Blogger Jack Kukoda: "I am classy."

Hey guys- it's time once again for a guest column from Buffalo Sabres fan Jack Kukoda, who is upset about the bad reputation of Sabres fans around the league. In typical Buffalo fan fashion, he has decided to get drunk, take off his shirt and yell about it.

Enjoy!

--Ritch

How to be a Buffalo Sabres Fan
By Jack Kukoda

There’s been a lot of talk on the web recently about how drunk and obnoxious Sabres fans are, and since my column last week didn’t do much to refute this, I decided to educate and enlighten you all with an impassioned essay, extolling the virtues of the city of Buffalo and its fans. It would be entertaining, informative and maybe, just maybe, would raise the level of discourse among hockey fans across North America.

Then I got about halfway through and realized it was really hard to write elegantly and thoughtfully, so in honor of the home-and-home series between the Sabres and Leafs, (starting tonight at HSBC arena) I decided to just talk a whole bunch of shit about Canadians.

I am classy.

Here goes.

Last week I forgot to add one thing that’s true of all Sabres fans. We fucking hate Leafs fans. Four times a year, they invade the HSBC arena to cheer on their history-rich, championship-poor team (at least since Lyndon Johnson was President.) They do this because Toronto is only 90 miles from Buffalo and tickets to Leafs' home games are so coveted and expensive that only Ontario's most prominent fur-traders can afford them.

As such, after getting a special dispensation from the Queen of England to cross the border, these Leafs fans drive over the Peace Bridge and make Sabres games absolutely hellish for the local fans. And fuck all that noise you've heard about Canadians being polite, because it's not true. They'll talk shit to 8 year olds. In particular, they have one favorite insult they like to use, over and over again.

Since I was a kid, dozens of Canadians have delighted in telling me that "Buffalo is the armpit of America."

No matter how many flaws you point out in their native city or country, that is their only retort:

"Buffalo is the armpit of America!"

“Yeah, but you’re from Oshawa, for Christ’s sake.”

“Armpit.”

“You put ketchup on macaroni cheese.”

“Armpit.”

“In terms of cultural trends, your entire country is three years behind Des Moines, Iowa!”

“Armpit.”

By the way, that last one isn't an exaggeration. Watching Canadian television is like unearthing a long lost time capsule. Whenever I'm at my parents' house and flip past a Canadian channel, waves of nostalgia wash over me. "Wow, jam shorts? I haven't seen those in years… huh- I used to have a band collar shirt just like that....Wait, Nickelback is still alive? That does not seem possible."

Occasionally, a Canadian will have another comeback, but they are equally unconvincing. Don't give me any of that shit about free health insurance or natural beauty or how America is an aggressor on the world stage, because I'm not impressed.

We're talking about what's important here: pop culture. If your entire country can't produce a single decent sitcom or movie, you have no right to exist. At least Mexico made Pan's Labyrinth. What have you done since Kids in the Hall(one of my absolute favorite shows of all time). Royal Canadian Air Farce? This Hour has 22 Minutes? Those shows make Mind of Mencia look like Masterpiece fucking Theatre. Think about that while you're eating poutine or riding your moose to work or whatever the hell it is you do up there when you're not invading HSBC arena or shopping at our malls for clothes that won't be available at the Eaton Centre for another 12 years. Oh, Leafs’ fans, you make me so mad! And don't get me started on Habs fans. You're about as French as my asshole is Portuguese, so drop the whole fucking act and broadcast your games in English already.

Okay, I feel like this has definitely opened an intelligent and thoughtful dialogue with our neighbors to the north. I look forward to hearing their responses. Am I a hero for taking the first step and extending an olive branch to my fellow hockey fans?

The answer is yes.

Just signed up for the hockey package.

You heard me.

After my nearly-season long plight on RCN cable, which doesn't offer the package, the Hockey Gods intervened and broke our old television. Soon, we were proud owners of an HDTV, and the combination of my near-constant whining about the hockey package and the fact that RCN cable has rotten pay per-view service all added up to a hello to Time Warner Cable, and a goodbye to productivity.

Of course, there is a certain amount of suckiness to the fact that the instant that I get the hockey package the Bruins irrevocably slide into oblivion.

Ahh well.

If they had to break me, like they seem to every year, this year they had the common decency to do it execution-style. They needed four wins against the Rangers and Habs, and instead decided to well, not score any goals in the first two games.

Still, I was cheered up by this Youtube from my pal Jack, depicting Buffalo Sabre (and future "have another donut" Devils coach Jim Schonfeld in a memorable collision with the Bruins Wayne Cashman.

Enjoy- I'll be busy watching every every single hockey game that's on tonight.

Any suggestions?

Birth of an American Hockey Fan Week Seven: The Live Game

First off, to satisfy the perhaps twos and threes of you out there who might be wondering whether a beer was in fact purchased for me at last week's game, the answer is "No, you ungrateful, post-grubbing bastards." Had my ears not been filled with the sounds of my own dry, parched cough and the constant swish of the puck hitting the back of the Devils net, I'm sure crickets dropping pins could have been heard. I don't want to get all holistic and godlike here, but if one of you had bought me a beer, the Devils wouldn't have lost.

Thanks to a healthy penchant for gambling/the timely victory of my alma mater's hockey team over the Earl's, my Devils-Pens tickets were begrudgingly gratis, and after following Ben's treasure map-like instructions to get to my awaiting NJTransit Chariot, we were all set. The first thing you notice about the Continental Arena is that the Devils are still kinda riding the high from their last Stanley Cup win, as evidenced by the appearance of "2001-02 Stanley Cup Champs" on every available surface; we were even given pictures of the 2001-02 Devils as we dejectedly left the arena, the sporting event giveaway equivalent of the cutout face mask on the back of the cereal box (I gave mine to Ben to put in his hope chest). I understand the importance of team history, but those are some seriously dated laurels to be resting on, and though I supose it would be bad for team morale to just plaster Martin Brodeur's face and name all over the stadium instead, they should probably think about mixing it up a bit.

Speaking of which, it's a testament to L'Homme himself that he can allow three goals and still leave the game batting away sexual favors like flies. Though the first period went by in a haze of nacho cheese and crushing disappointment, as I was granted neither a fight, a goal, or really, any excitement whatsoever, once we got to the second period and Brodeur started being all "After you..." to the puck, things picked up. I was granted a pretty sweet fight that utilized both the horizontal and the vertical axis, I used both the terms "one-timer" and "Howitzer", though the second was more in a spelling bee-ish type manner, as in, "If that slapshot had been going at a higher velocity, it would be considered a Howitzer," and I got to see a Penguins fan kicked out of our section based solely on the judicial writ of "a lot of guys in Devils jerseys pointing at him."

I'm not much one for hype, but considering how much fellating's been done on Sidney Crosby and Brodeur's behalfs, these guys really stood up pretty well. Brodeur's got a certain grace to him even in the face of defeat, though the home ice advantage of having your name splayed across 10,000 hairy Italian chests probably helps, and Crosby, well, the Kid can skate, I'll tell you that. Sid took some serious beatings, managing to get the shit kicked out of him by the opposing team, his own team, and the puck itself, which is pretty impressive considering those are the only three things on the ice, but aside from a short and completely justified temper tantrum, he held it together pretty well.

Birthing Status: Pissed That No One Bought Me a Beer

Wow.

Charles Star, my buddy who likes college hockey, particularly Cornell, just hipped me to this, the game winning goal from the WCHA's final five tournament, and it's a dandy, not only for the shot, but for the rinkwide bank shot of a pass.

I saw Gretzky score a goal on a dump in like that back when he was with the Oilers, and if you have a forward with some wheels, you can really catch the opposition with their pants down on a play like this.

Anyway, check it out, it's cool:



I mean, holy cow.

Oh, and just for fun , here's Neal Broten's goal that many were comparing it to:



As I well know, Charles hates the the University of Minnesota, but he was kind enough to pass the link along because (and I didn't know this part) he also hates North Dakota. I'll tell you, whatever college hockey lacks in speed and skill, it more than makes up for in hate.

Hockey needs hatred, and that was just what I needed to see, after wasting my Saturday night watching the Rangers set up a pup tent in the Bruins' crease, and just hammer in pucks all night long.

The story of the pre-game was Aaron Ward, who was apparently traded from the Rangers to the Bruins after an argument with Jaromir Jagr where Ward questioned Jagr's leadership. While Jagr is unquestionable a crappy leader, Aaron Ward isn't coming off much better.

According to today's Boston Globe, ""Zdeno Chara and Aaron Ward, Boston's top defensive pairing, were on the ice for four of New York's seven goals. Chara threw one hit and has yet to fight this season."

Jagr is definately a Prima Donna, kind of soft, and a crappy captain. Chara has also yet to prove that he can motivate his teammates and is probably only the captain because Patrice Bergeron was too young at the beginning of the season, but what the fuck, Aaron Ward?

You're playing your old team that you left after leveling an accusation of crappy leadership. So how about stepping up to the plate? Jagr had three assists last night on the power play- what did you do?

Still, if you start pointing fingers at guys on the Bruins last night, not many people are going to come off well.

This was bad, but not the end yet. Right now, the Bruins must beat Montreal twice, in regulation. Then they face the Rangers again, and must rise to the challenge.

This is what the Bruins must do if they are to maintain any chance of making the playoffs finishing ahead of Florida.

Just keeping the expectations realistic here.

Huge comeback win for the Bruins!

Well, I was scoreboard watching tonight, and while the Bruins have a long road ahead of them, they picked up two HUGE points on everybody who matters to them in the East tonight with a big 3rd period comeback and shootout win against the Caps.

Add that to both the Devils and Senators doing their part to vanquish the Canes and Isles in regulation and that adds up to the Black and Gold elevating their status from "totally fucked" to a respectable "pretty much still fucked."

You know what that is?

Progress.

Also, with their next four games against the Rangers and Habs, who are both solidly on the bubble, it's looking like they have their destiny in their own hands, at least for the next two weeks.

I'll close with this- if you're a Bruins, Rangers, Leafs, Canes, Isles, or Habs fan and you need another good reason to hate Gary Bettman and his unbalanced schedule this year, well- answer this question:

Wouldn't it be nice to play the Edmonton Oilers right about now?

That explains it

I'm sure Jen will be weighing in soon with her reactions to last night's Devils/Pens game, but allow me to pre-empt some of her inevitable ball-breaking.

You see, I discovered the reason why the Devils were shut out on home ice for the first time this year. It's not easy to win a game when your hall of fame goaltender is clowning around behind the opposition bench:



Come on, Marty...knock that off.

Worst Hockey Items Available on eBay: Volume One.

A postcard featuring a caricature of Ray Bourque playing golf.




Yep, this is for sale. Don't get me wrong, I loved Ray Bourque, but really? A postcard of a CARICATURE of Ray Bourque? Playing golf? Not a photo, not playing hockey, not even WEARING A HOCKEY UNIFORM?

Yeah- I'd like to place a bid- on the huge balls you must obviously possess to ask someone for money for that. I mean Jesus, Christ. The seller goes on to say that it is available in "MINT CONDITION!"

Really? I suppose that is pretty rare seeing as anyone who owned one of these would certainly have creased it's pristine edges by throwing it directly into the trash. The opening bid for this piece of shit is 77 cents, by the way. Get it?! What that means is, even if the Bruins hadn't retired Phil Esposito's number this goddamn thing would still cost 7 cents too much.

Speaking of which, look at this awful fucking thing:




That's right, it's "Vintage" Phil Esposito skate straps, or as they are better known, "6 inches of trim from a 30 year old carpet sample."

All yours for a mere 18 dollars.

Oh, and Jen's at the Devils/Penguins game tonight at the Meadowlands, her first since becoming an official AHF.

If you're going to the game, buy her a beer, willya?

Coaches Corner with Don Cherry- March 10

This is a pretty great Coaches Corner, with great points about hitting, fighting, Jordan Staal and pretty sweet flashback to 1999.

American Hockey Fan's Buy me Beer v 2.0

All right folks, this was attempted once before my tenure here, to let's-just-go-with "lukewarm response", but I have to assume that it's because most of you don't like Ritch, Ben, or Jack, and not because you don't believe in the principle of the thing. So here you have it- American Hockey Fan's Buy me Beer, Take Two.

I, Jen Adams, your intrepid guide through the birthing process of an American Hockey Fan and all-around decent, thirsty human being, will be attending my first professional hockey game (Devils-Penguins) since becoming an AHF tomorrow night, at Continental Arena in East Rutherford, NJ. I'm a girl who enjoys a tipple or two, and I like my live pro sports like I like my men- mashed, fermented, then poured into a 16-20 oz cup with minimal foam. It's not that AHF readers owe me a beer- I write my weekly post out of the love of the game, natch- but I watched Rob Lowe get his balls shaved for you people. I'm just saying.

The first fan of this blog (or their representative) to bring a cold draft beer to me in section 231, Row 24,seat 10(I'll be the girl loudly screaming generic encouragements at the Devils, such as "Put the puck into the boundaries of the net!" and "Skate faster than the opposing team so that you might score more points!") at any time during the Devils-Penguins game on March 14, 2007 will win the following (optional AND paltry!) prizes, adapted from Ritch's original bounty:

1) At least one (1) picture with me (that will be published on this blog), in which I will use Photoshop's "blur" tool in order to make myself appear freakishly deformed, thereby making you look more attractive in comparison. I can also testify to you being a "totally doable solid 7.5", even if you are, in fact, completely not.

2) At least one (1) paragraph (published on this blog) of effusive, probably somewhat forced praise, saluting you (or your business or project) for your courage, good taste and excellent choice of lagers.

3) Though I'll be rooting for the Devils out of loyalty to/fear of Ben, I'm not all that tied to them, so if you're a Penguins fan, I will happily shift allegiances midgame. If you're a Devils fan, then forget I just wrote that.

Think of the indelible impression you can leave on a nascent hockey fan. If a drop of free alcohol passes these lips thanks to one of you, the sport of hockey will have gained a lifelong fan, and it will all be because of you and the fine people of the Molson Brewing Company. It's in your hands, people.

"Stevens checks the musky into the boards!"

Just imagine the conversation:

"I'm the captain."

"Actually, on this boat, I'm the captain."

"I'm the captain."

"Yes, but again, while we're on the boat--"

[crunch]

"OOF!"

[splash]

[pause]

"I'm the captain."

Birth of an American Hockey Fan Week Six: Classic Clips

1970 Stanley Cup clincher by Bobby Orr

The nine year-old girl in me is simply delighted by this clip. Fathers out there, if you’re trying to raise a young American Hockey Female of your own, I’d start with this clip, and go light on the Bobby Orr/Stanley Cup background explanation. Simply point your young blossom at the screen, press play, and say “Look, hockey players can fly!” She’ll either fall in love with the sport, or become deeply suspicious of Canadians.

Stevens flattening Lindros

OK, whoever described this as a “flattening” and got my hopes up, you need to leave the commune more often, hippie. I’ve thrown harder punches than that at Ann Taylor Loft.

Yzerman’s Double OT goal

Without having seen the first seventy or so minutes of this game, and having spent nearly that long figuring out how one would pronounce “Yzerman”, all I can muster up is this: “Great shot”.

Pronger’s pass to Karya through Lemieux’s legs

This one was suggested by Ritch himself, in an attempt to turn a green young hockey fan against a hockey legend who led his country to a gold medal despite a debilitating hip injury. You’d think as a Bruins fan you’d try to stay away from all bad karma-inducing practices, but hey, to each his own.

Lemieux Turtles

A newbie’s thought process on this clip, entitled “Claude ‘Turtle’ Lemieux” by YouTube:

“Jesus, how many Lemieuxs are there? It kind of contradicts the name.”“
Why is this one named Turtle?”
“Ah. Gotcha.”

Brett Hull’s 1999 Stanley Cup goal

Upon careful review, I really believe there are a lot of factors that need to be taken into account here, beyond the contested shot. For starters, the logic behind the seemingly arbitrary distinction of three consecutive shots constituting possession. Second, there’s the matter of crowd mentality having a major affect on officials during the review of footage, adding a strong element of human error to what should be a fair and balanced decision. Third…fuck it. HE WAS IN THE CREASE.NO GOAL.*

* I may be new enough to the Sabres booster club to be somewhat objective, but have you seen the size/BAC of some of those fans? I’m not stupid.

It’s weird, the thing that people love most about hockey(Excluding Ritch, whose #1 most enjoyed attribute is “the unfailing heartbreak provided by Boston-area teams")—the fact that the tide of the game can change at any second—is the exact thing that makes it somewhat dull to watch the classics in clip form. Without the investment provided by three hours spent absorbing yourself in the game, and without any particularly strong anti-communist stance, it’s hard to get jazzed for any singular outcome to most of these games/clips. Go figure.

Birthing Status: Trying to Remember my Lamaze Breathing

I just saw an ad for Chili's-

-in which a group of young hip partiers sat down for a meal at Chili's, and one of them confidently says "I could work at Chili's- I'm pretty good on the grill."

His friends look at each other incredulously. One of their expressions says:

"What!? How could a mortal man, without putting in the years of time and training, possibly ascend the mountain of culinary excellence that is Chili's?"

And another friend's expression, slightly angrier this time, seems to say:

"Does this dickhead think he can actually flip a burger, put a slice of cheese on it , and pour mushrooms, onion sauce AND salsa over it when completed? Challenge not the Gods young Icarus, for you shall fly too high to the sun!"

Sensing their doubt, he tries another tack-

"Oh- I can cook!"

Again, his friend's eyes roll, this time to the eyes of their waitress, who shares a "what a deluded asshole" look with them. Even she knows the truth.

They all laugh.

I was really hoping the commerical would keep going for 10 more seconds so the guy could say- "No, seriously, It's not that hard. You just read the shit off of these laminated cheat sheets they have pinned behind the grill. I know the guy who works here. In addition to this fry-cook gig, he sells crystal meth out of his van behind the restaurant. I heard him talking about how he once put together both a Mesquite Chicken Salad and a Southwestern Cobb while getting a handjob from a single mother. So, you know- go fuck yourselves. By the way, are you gonna finish those poppers? They came here frozen in a truck from Cleveland. You know that, right?"

Games to watch tonight?

Rangers-Islanders.

Might not a sellout but it'll definitely be a war.

Also, Penguins and Devils clash in what could be a playoff preview, and thanks to this bizarre schedule, marks Brian Rolston's return to Boston for the first time since signing with Minnesota, what- 3 years ago? He was a fan favorite, and if there's a crowd at the new Garden, I bet they give him a nice welcome.I also bet he scores a shorthanded goal.

They really should hold a charity all-star game pitting the players that the Islanders let walk out of town for a song against the ones the Bruins did. Come to think of it, the Blackhawks could put a pretty strong team on the ice for that contest as well.

Oh, and speaking of bad ads, anybody else sick of watching those Goddamn Rock-em sock-em robots Dodge ads on Versus? OK- I get it, hockey, you have exactly one corporate sponsor.

If they'd branch out a little, I wouldn't even mind watching another Chili's ad.

Guest Blogger Jack Kukoda: "For a drunken and sleep-deprived hockey fan, there is little solace in logic."

Jack Kukoda is the comedian responsible for, among other things, the very funny website Kukoda.com . He's also a Buffalo Sabres fan, something I stopped holding against him the moment he got the hockey package and started inviting me over to watch Hockey Night in Canada on his roommate's HDTV.

At one point, we talked about how AHF contributor Jen was a new Buffalo fan, and how it might be a good idea to provide a little backstory from a longtime Sabres follower. A lightning-quick 3 months later, he came through like a champ.

Enjoy!

--Ritch


How To Be a Buffalo Sabres Fan

By Jack Kukoda

I know, I know. It’s a little late in the season to give anyone advice on how to be a Sabres fan, especially with the Sabres in first place in the NHL. But before you go calling me a front-runner or a bandwagon jumper, I should point out that Ritch asked me to write this column months ago. Due to a combination of being busy and just an overall desire to be a prick to Ritch, I didn’t get a chance to tackle it until now. Besides, I wouldn’t be a true Buffalo fan if I weren’t just a little bit of a front-runner.

There are two hallmarks to every true Sabres fan: unbridled, irrational optimism matched only by devastating, irrational pessimism. These are the yin and yang of the Buffalo fan, existing simultaneously and in harmony with each other, yet locked in a constant struggle for superiority. The Buffalo sports fan is perhaps the most bi-polar of any fan out there, and like anyone suffering a chemical imbalance; their emotions can turn on a dime.

When things are going well for our team, you’ll know about it. We’ll travel to your team’s arena and make drunken asses of ourselves. We’ll call up sports radio shows to proclaim the Sabres’ dominance, with nary a question or comment for the host! We’ll record a new version of the song “We’re Gonna Win That Cup” every few years, despite only making it to the Stanley Cup Finals twice in franchise history. We’ll do all that and more.

But when things go wrong for the Sabres-such as the prospect of losing our captain for the season-we’ll sulk, proclaim the season lost, and blame God, the national sports media and Canadian-born referees. Sometimes a combination of all three. And yes, most Sabres fans believe Canadians are out to screw us at every turn. Same goes for Bettman.

I'll grant you that fans of all teams are full of enthusiasm when things are going well and hopelessly depressed when they aren't, but what separates the Buffalo fan is the absolute extremes.

Perhaps the following anecdote will illustrate my point:

The last time the Sabres went to the Stanley Cup Finals, back in ‘99, I camped out at the arena overnight with a bunch of friends to try and get tickets. We were all home from college for the summer, and with no real responsibilities besides our shitty summer jobs, we threw a party for every playoff game.

As soon as the Sabres eliminated the Maple Leafs in the Conference Finals, we rushed down to the arena. We even brought the pony keg with us that we had bought for that night’s game. By the time we got downtown, there were already a couple hundred fans camped out. Everyone was celebrating and drinking so we joined right in.

I distinctly remember a palpable spirit of camaraderie among the crowd as total strangers shared food and beer all night. It was like a Phish concert, if Phish concerts didn’t totally suck. When the ticket booth finally opened in the morning, everyone started chanting “Let’s Go Buff-a-lo” as we formed an orderly line.

When they sold out of tickets after about fifteen minutes, the parking lot nearly erupted in a riot. Within seconds, our collective mood had changed. Fans started pelting the ticket booth with meatball subs, 2 liter bottles of “pop,” which is what we call soda in Buffalo, and other garbage. The police, who had ignored us all night while we drank from a keg on the sidewalk in the middle of downtown Buffalo, started inching closer to the crowd. Our Woodstock had become an Altamont. Just when I thought we had reached the nadir of our collective savagery, two shirtless, mustachioed-men starting fighting each other in the middle of the line. After that, the police broke things up and everyone went home, dejected and angry.

Suddenly, we hated the Sabres, or at least their management, for getting our hopes up only to smash them by only releasing a limited number of tickets at the box office. We found out later that the Sabres had in fact released quite a few tickets, just not at the box office, and we would have had better luck calling up Ticketmaster that morning or going to ticket outlet at a grocery store. But that didn’t make us feel much better, because for a drunken and sleep-deprived hockey fan, there is little solace in logic.

Perhaps that wasn’t the best story to tell, especially since I had hoped to use this column to debunk recent perceptions of Sabres fans as a drunken louts.

In truth, most of us are erudite, well mannered, and in my case, possess abs that most men would kill for.

I’ll try to make that clearer next time.

For a first hand look at the psyche of the Sabres fan, check out bfloblog, especially the open threads during the games. It's like watching the game with a bunch of funny, knowledgeable, smartass hockey fans from Buffalo. And if that doesn't sound like fun to you, then you're goddamn communist.

Here's a blast from the past-

Hannu Toivonen and Peter Budaj facing off in a goalie fight back in their AHL days.

Ahem.

Back in Budaj's AHL days.



Winner gets to not only start for the big club, but ruin the others playoff hopes.

It's basically a six team scrum as the Rangers, Islanders, Hurricanes, Bruins, Canadiens and Leafs fight for the 7th and 8th playoff spots. Still, all season, every single one of those teams have combined to hand the Sabres a whopping 6 losses.

I'm really sure one of them can do it four times, by themselves in two weeks.

I'm depressed.

That first Colorado goal tonight shoulda been reviewed.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda...

Birth of an American Hockey Fan Week Six: Just a Regular Old Game

I decided it was a good time to check in and see where I stood in terms of applying all this delicious knowledge I’ve been acquiring, and what better time than the Sabres first post-trade game against the Canadiens on Friday night (Tuesday’s slaughter against the Leafs didn’t count, the locker room still smelled vaguely of Biron). Having been downgraded to one of the smaller screens at the local sports bar- if there’d been one more spring training scrimmage on, I think we would have been relegated to an old computer monitor in the back- the action wasn’t as visceral as past games, but the refs weren’t as fun either, in terms of allowing fights. I suppose getting inadvertently punched in the face a few times can do that to a man.

Two Sabres goals within the first two minutes was some pretty potent foreshadowing of the kind of game it was going to be, and I had to make peace with the fact that if I wanted to take a piss, I would likely miss at least three goals. Two beers in, I waxed a little philosophic (internally, waxing philosophic out loud at my sports bar is prohibited)- is it better to have a high scoring game, with more moments of elation, or does that dilute the joy of a goal? Two more beers, a glass of whiskey, and a Sabres victory later, it turned out I didn’t give a shit.

I was disappointed not to see Conklin go in for his trial by fire; I either want to see this guy go down in flames or carried off the ice on Slavic shoulders, anything in between would be a letdown. Wondering how wide the gap would have to be before Lindy Ruff would let him try to win the crowd/his freedom proved pointless, as the Habs wouldn’t roll over and die spectacularly enough to allow it. I was definitely feeling more comfortable watching this game than I have been in previous weeks, and I think this was the first time I managed not to give bystanders the impression of "Baby’s First Hockey Game". Though my slang usage is more at the "hat trick" than the "dump and chase" level, I’m feeling adventurous, and when I attend my first official NHL game as an American Hockey Fan next week, my goal is to have enough command of my lexicon to be able to intersperse the appropriate swear words.

In the meantime, this week’s theme is "Classic Hockey Plays/Games", starting with a "Miracle on Ice" as an amuse-bouche. I’ve got the Sabres/Stars Cup game in my YouTube queue, but here’s where I need a little help from AHF readers. What plays are considered to be seminal/controversial moments in the sport of hockey? Line ‘em up for me and I’ll watch ‘em.

Birthing Status: Bitching at the Baby’s Father for Getting me Into This

Hullo Bert!

Thanks again to Christy at Behind the Jersey for scaring up this pic from the Detroit news. That sublime bit of photo-editing was all me.

Back from vacation.

Well, I'm back from a quick jaunt to the great state of Texas, where I celebrated the NHL trade deadline at opening night of the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. My lady grew up there, and I know the trade deadline is exciting and all, but if you get an opportunty for 75 degree weather in February, you'd get the hell out of New York too.

On the day of the deadline, I walked around the rodeo in my cowboy gear, and (with apologies to the last place Houston Aeros) ruminated on sports that are more popular down there than hockey.

Here's an example of just one of them:



Still, as great as the food is in Texas, I'm happy to be back in a state that is a little less excited about it's own shape on the map.

That said, I do have a few thoughts about the trade deadline, which I'll keep short and sweet:

-With the Guerin deal, the San Jose Sharks are doing their best to look like the 2002 Boston Bruins. Bill Guerin rejoins Joe Thornton and Kyle McClaren. Get ready for this crew to make an impact on the league. Or at the very least, maybe they'll finally kill Richard Zednick.

-Speaking of Guerin maybe I owe John Davidson an apology. I've shit on him before, but if the strategy of signing veteran all stars to a) hope they still have some left in the tank, and b) if not, selling them off to desperate contenders for top draft picks was an intentional ploy, he may be quietly pulling off a Pittsburgh-esque turnaround. When you add what he's earned from dumping Tkachuk and Guerin to last year's #1 overall pick Eric Johnson, emerging sniper David Backes, goalie Manny Legace, and serviceable 2nd line winger Brad Boyes, you have to like how this team is rebuilding.

-And speaking of apologies and Zednick, why not an apology for Garth Snow? Sure, he's is under a fair amount of pressure to make a big deal to get him into the playoffs as a rookie GM, but with the team getting hot at the right time, and Mike Sillinger quietly making a case as the most underrated two-way player in the game, picking up Zednik was nice and Ryan Smyth was a COUP. Given the fact that the Isles have become as solid a team as they have, (what was it- two regulation losses in February?) the addition of these veterans could lead the Islanders to stun somebody in the first round. This team is looking really good, and the less people talk about them, the better they'll be. Lucky for them, they play on Long Island. It seems like there are more Houston Aeros fans these days.

-Atlanta picks up Tkachuk and Zhitnik? Did Waddell sign everything on his scouting report that set off his spellchecker?

-And Bertuzzi goes to Detroit. I guess they figured if any group of people wouldn't mind someone almost murdering a member of the Colorado Avalanche, it'd be Red Wing fans.

As always, thanks to Ben and Jen for picking up the slack while I was running around the country.